morningcatreport - Tumblr blog

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Frozen death falls from the sky once again.* Mother is our only source of warmth.** Huddle up, sister, or we shall perish.***

*snow

**the furnace is on

***68F indoors

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

O Box of Warm, by whose glowing innards all cats are saved from the winter, we beseech thee: If ever we have groomed ourselves in your presence, or brought Mother a tasty mouse, bestow upon us your heat and bless us with your warmth, that we may live to serve you with cozy fur and toasty toes. Amen.

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

As Mother is now the only source of heat in our cold dark world*, we shall sit on Mother.

If you don't like it then make the heat box do its thing**, Mother.

*67F indoors

**start a fire in the woodstove

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

("Angel" plays)

In the time it takes you to make fun of your cat on social media, your chicken dinner could feed that same cat. Won't you donate today and save one of these innocent, deserving creatures from eating canned food instead?

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Mother got out some nice clean towels and left them on the kitchen table.

Thank goodness, Mother. I needed to know exactly where to urp my hairball for easiest cleanup.

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

I help.*

*wearing my Christmas present project as a shawl and blocking my view of the TV

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

We love Mother because Mother is the source of Good Things:

- Pets

- Brushes

- the canned food

- the good drugs

- monologues on how we are pretty, how we are SO pretty, and how we are SO VERY VERY pretty

- body heat

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Mother keeps calling us "fuzzy wooly bears." "Look at you, fuzzy wooly bear!" she says.

We are fluffed up in our skin parkas because we are COLD, Mother. Turn the heat up.*

*70F currently

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Yesterday I found the most fascinating toy on Mama's desk.* Alas, when I touched it, it clamped itself onto my paw fur and would not let go.** Mama made things ever so much worse by holding me and my paw, too!*** I had to steal a pair of Mama's leggings and sleep on them the rest of the day to recover. A true horror tale.

*discarded price tag

**stuck to her fur

***I had to snip it off with scissors

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Purr on Mama MORE

I am OWED after that stunt Mama pulled yesterday*

I am BABY

Occupy LAP

*gone for over 12 hours

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Mama has an entire drawer of treats and drugs and toys that she has been hiding from us all this time.* We discovered it yesterday while she was "cleaning it out."**

Mama. First lap deprivation and now this? How could you?***

*cat supplies drawer

**cleaning it out

***we established that I Am The Worst, cats, keep up

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Mother is FOR REAL trying to starve us this time. The food disappears the moment she lifts the plate from the counter.* She puts food on the plate, picks it up, and...poof.**

Mother, help. For real. Help.***

*I moved their food five feet closer to the fridge

**they refuse to use their noses to find it

***I eventually gave up and moved it back

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

As if Mama's tardiness with breakfast wasn't bad enough, Mama has written a breakfast food jingle to accompany the late service.*

Mama. Please. Have you no dignity.**

*Breakfast for cats,

It's what cats eat

When they are cats

**As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be, world without end: No.

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Also, never ask for forgiveness.

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

The face of a cat who wants to know exactly how many articles of my clothing she has to hide in her nest under the bed before I stop leaving her lapless for hours at a time.

I don't know, cat, I am unfamiliar with this sort of sorcery.

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

8:00 am. The sun is up and so is Mama. Our work is done.* We sleep now.**

WE. SLEEP. NOW.***

*5 am wakeup yodel

**on my lap

***I have work, cats

[morningcatreport]

Morning Cat Report:

Mama says she is "making presents" for "nieces."

She's blocking my lap that belongs to me, is what she's doing.