morosemelancholia

[morosemelancholia]

Just know this

You are no longer my friend.

[morosemelancholia]

Self critique

I have these little conversations in my head, most of the time its me just criticizing my own behavior. "Nothing I do is good enough. "

"I will never find love in this heartbreaking judging world"

" I am a mess, a complete mess"

Train of thoughts

Train of thoughts

What difference does it make? When deep inside i am my own worst critique and perhaps i always let myself down. 

Do people really understand what it feels like to be inside your head judging every single detail of your life. Perhaps i would need to stop thinking i am special and accept that everyone else have their own battle of wills and war on their mind

These little voices in my head its destructive.

LET IT GO

[morosemelancholia]

When i first found out that my boss was leaving, something died inside my heart. Call me crazy but losing one of the most patient boss who guided you from day one hurts harder than a breakup

I still remembered what it felt like. Jan 4th of 2016, i started my first day and was introduced to the person that became my source of venting, ranting, emotional messes, problem solving, calm and comfort, patience, a little mixture of everything. The person who saved my ass more than a millionth time in my job.

I was clueless, directionless and everything was a challenge. I toughened up from everything i went through. He saw me at my most naivety, a scared confused child introduced into the world of nasty human beings and taught me how to stand up for myself.

I was basically a fresh grad loser in a painful phase of life and he got me through it all. And from that i believe i had grown into a somewhat wiser person

Now today, here i am. Back to where i started. Directionless, emotionless, lost and numb. Losing my first boss has affected me. How do i go on? Will i be okay? Who will save me next

[morosemelancholia]

A mental loop means starting over, only mentally. Do people remember one of those scenes where the main character needed to go through the same day over and over again until he fulfills a certain purpose. I just want to be one of them for once

[morosemelancholia]

I got a lot to say

Too much to say

And here i am just zoning out between being cold or hurt

[morosemelancholia]

A week ago i flew to Perth to watch one of my favourite bands perform live. In other words, Alex freaking turner.

To this day, i am not over it or i am trying to move on yet the purpose of this post does not help justify the statement.

It is one of the best nights of my life. Queueing up about five hours before the door opened and managed to stand at the second line middle stage right infront of Alex Turner was the best decision ever.

Basically we all went mad, it was lit

By the end of the night, my hair smelled of beer and smoke from all the mosh pit and drunk guys who cant keep their hands to themselves. Walked back to our airbnb in the city and just absorbing the energy.

A good night indeed

But now the longing feeling has hit me hard, it always comes

[morosemelancholia]

all these emptiness and numbness

[morosemelancholia]

You sleep to escape thinking about work but then you sleep and you dream about work

1. You worry pre, during and post campaign too much

2. You’re traumatized by poor campaign execution

3. The consequences when you screw up a campaign

4. The amount of shit to fix after a campaign has been screwed up

5. You are held responsible for every single detail

Now what, sleep it off? Couldnt even if i tried

I get this little migraines when i think too much and i really really do. When i think about something a lot means i worry about not getting it right. My mind cannot put the thoughts and worries away so i think and i think that it rotates and circulate on the whys and hows. I try to sleep yet for thinking about the problem too much, my inner subconscience dream of it and it dejavufied

[morosemelancholia]

When luck is not on my side, i imagine a really sad indie song recapping my whole life into an intro. I always pictured myself forever dressed in shades of black as that is how i see it -  i am standing right in the middle of a subway station on a busy weekday morning. I see people rushing in and out. It’s all just a massive blur, though i was trying to keep it all together. Camera pans to some dramatic effects of a lonely girl-how her eyes just whirl into waves of emotion. And the audience felt the empathy, like whats her story. So im back to this intro and I gave a long sigh then boom, this sad girl is about to narrate her twelve chapters that will eventually have a perfect ending where i win the guy, discover myself and lived happily every after

Well, wake up dreamer

Have you ever felt as though you were meant to meet the right people at a very wrong time? I have, and it puts you into a deep perspective.

Meeting the right people at a wrong time just makes me question on will i ever be able to feel this connection again? Or what is the point if you seek high and low for this perfect idea but you were never meant to keep them. And maybe the people who you think is right for you, and they are right for you but due to unavoidable circumstances, they are just not meant to be in your life for a long time. They’re just a chapter

Wake the hell up, dreamer

[morosemelancholia]

1. Another year that is not my year

But its okay

I have faith, i still have the love from people around me. I may not have found the one, but every single time i tried, i learn a thing or two about myself that is crucial in order to further celebrate my self-worth before i ever get attached again

Self love. Step by step

2. Another year that is not my year

I’m still stuck in my current job where everyday i try to balance out my mental health and money. That dreadful cycle of needing tons of money to fix my mental health through good food, shopping sprees and travel.

Money or mental health

Doesnt matter cause i am still here. Waiting for a better opportunity while i rot

3. Another year that is not my year

Meeting the right people at the wrong time, and meeting the wrong people at the right time. More on this later on

#1amthoughts

[morosemelancholia]

Not having somebody to talk to is another level of pain

When the day is cruel to you like people are against you, receiving nasty emails from people that dont matter, ridiculous illogical deadlines in the middle of December and basically everything that feels wrong. You come home after going through another bad traffic, you throw your bags on the floor and dive into bed

Then all you really want is to get a text from someone to ask you how you're doing

You see, you can get hundreds of texts from other people and yet feel so alone.These people don’t understand you. They want to give you a companion but they also don’t understand that they just don’t get you

Getting texts from people who are unable to comfort you when you feel like shit is the loneliest thing that i have ever felt. Its like i have somebody to talk to, yet this person just don’t see the things that i see

And its heartbreaking

I feel so exhausted from the day and then i am unable to express all my feelings to anyone that matters. And it is exhausting to try and find a person worthy of my truest deep thoughts and sentiment

[morosemelancholia]

1 fucking AM and you feel this empty hole in your heart while you listen to thom yorke

It doesnt get any depressing than this

[morosemelancholia]

Its december yet again

my favourite month, the birthday month, winter wonderland feelings of christmas. The end of the year.

theres just this wondrous goodly feeling in december. im saying goodbye to a bearable yet wretching couple of months.

a new year means

- seeking ways to learn from my past and making peace with it. Letting go is the hardest thing to do ever, i struggle and unable to do so.

- wiser in making decisions not only in terms of work but my choices in life and vice versa

- learn to say no and not feel bad about it because my mental health means more to me than anything else now

- leave everything behind when something or someone no longer fits in my life, i need to feel safe and looked out for

- if it gets lonely, turn to God. Maybe i dont do this well enough and i sin everyday. Baby steps is better than none, im no saint

[morosemelancholia]

As hard as i care to admit, my boss indeed knew me too well.

If you must know, if he could he would politely volunteer in becoming my matchmaker. In his words , “its my duty as your boss to find you happiness”

And of course, i will roll my eyes at him

I’d say, “i do not want to be matchmade”

I have failed again to maintain a certain close to romance as i always do. My encounters are short lived because i screw up, every single time

Well, i dare not mention what my boss's exact words were. But he nailed it. Every little bits of detail, he was right.

And do you know what was his words that got to me. He said, “You’re the problem Dura, its because you push everything away when it becomes relevant”

Well, something somewhat like that

But he means well, i believe he wanted me to reflect on myself. In other words, he’s telling me to quit being dramatic and emotionally unavailable.

So yes, i am the problem that is unfixable.

We are either the good girl or the bad person. Its a cycle. A vicious one

[morosemelancholia]

Those days where you just want to hide and curl up in your bed refusing to talk to anyone

Today is one of those days

The kind of day nobody really understands how down i really feel

[morosemelancholia]

you scroll through old conversations with someone who greeted hello when you were falling apart two years ago.

who left an impact in your life,you read through from the beginning to the end and there you go. you break down

you break down hard

it takes you right back to the days of what could have been and why or what it was

half the reason was cause my period was due hence the hard pitiful emotions

the other half was just plain longing for a hello

[morosemelancholia]

I’ll break my own rules as long as i put myself first