mors-neptune

[mors-neptune]

ᡣ𐭩 MAYBE I JUST WANNA BE YOURS

FEATURING: dazai osamu

SUMMARY: dazai does not get jealous. he especially doesn't get jealous over someone he's not even dating. because he's not dating you. he doesn't want to date you... right?

(wordcount: 5k; fem!reader, nsfw, lots of smut LOL idk what got into me this is the first fic ive written with more smut than plot in ages. but anyway: jealous!dazai, fingering, oral (f->m), semi-public/public sex. whiplash from dazai's thoughts (as always). unedited.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: hihi. SO this actually wasn't going to be connected to anything, but i decided like mid-fic that i wanted to make it a continuation to the adareader universe ive been considering building. i was too lazy to go check for inconsistencies, so if there's any dihfausihdfsudf just ignore them LOL. when i eventually make the masterlist for it and officially connect them all, ill go thru and double check for them. first i need to write them something with actual substance and not just horny posting LOLLLL.

Dazai is not a jealous man.

He’s not.

In fact, he’s the most un-jealous person in the whole world. He has no reason to be jealous, especially over you. He’s not dating you. Dazai never asked you to be his girlfriend, and that was intentional because Dazai doesn’t want a girlfriend. More specifically, he doesn’t want to be someone’s boyfriend. You’re just a friend—a friend that he sometimes fucks and occasionally seeks out to spend time with. He doesn’t want someone relying on him in a way a girlfriend would, and he certainly doesn’t want to rely on someone in the way a boyfriend would, because he doesn’t want the rug pulled out from under him when it inevitably goes to shit. 

The thought is suffocating, it makes his skin crawl.

Almost as much as the realization that the cop the two of you are assigned to be coordinating with is clearly head over heels enamored by you. Dazai scowls from where he’s standing a few steps behind you, watching as you go over the details of the file that the man brought to you—Dazai didn’t care to learn his name. And yes, Dazai means you because when the officer came over with the file, he didn’t even acknowledge Dazai’s existence and walked right over to you.

He still hasn’t acknowledged Dazai’s presence, staring at you with an adoring expression as you read through the file. Dazai thinks if this were some sort of cartoon, the officer would quite literally have hearts in his eyes—it’s disgusting, Dazai can hardly stand to watch it.

“Dazai,” you finally say, voice a soft hum. He likes the way you say his name—it rolls off your tongue prettily, and it makes his chest oddly warm. He’s not used to people saying his name with such softness; he’s used to anger, irritation, fear, but never this. He’s wondered how his given name would sound, he’s spent many nights imagining it, one hand pressed to his mouth and the other wrapped around his cock, but he hasn’t worked up the nerve to ask you to call him by it. That’s a step too close to actual intimacy and he’s not willing to take it.

You raise your eyebrows at him, and Dazai realizes you must have said something after you said his name, but he didn’t catch it because he was too absorbed in the way you said his name to notice.

“Come here,” you say again, nodding your head for him to drag himself out of the corner he’s sulking in to come to you. He feels a bit too gleeful watching the way the officer’s expression shifts in surprise as he turns to look at Dazai, finally noticing him.

Dazai pushes himself off of the wall to take a few steps closer to you, and he may or may not stand a bit too close on purpose just to see the other man frown. He stands behind you, chest brushing your back as he looks over your shoulder to scan through the file you’ve been reading. It takes him twice as long as it usually does because he didn’t realize that being in such close proximity to you would make him as dizzy as it did, and he’s too stubborn to back off now. 

Your hair smells like vanilla, and Dazai can smell the faint scent of your favorite perfume dabbed on your neck, worn off throughout the long day. His attention strays from the file to you, tracing the smooth curve of your neck, dipping down to your collarbone and swallowing when he realizes that the top three buttons of your dress shirt are undone, the stuffiness of the tiny room and the lack of air conditioning causing small, visible beads of sweat to form on your skin. His breath catches as his gaze lowers just a bit more and-

You turn to look at him and his gaze snaps up before it can drop to dangerous territories, and Dazai catches the amused look in your eyes—you know exactly what he was looking at. Instead of having some shame, because Dazai has no shame, he shifts just an inch closer to you, one of his hands resting on your hip. He watches the way your lashes flutter the same way they always do when you’re trying to pretend you’re not affected by his touch, and his lips curl up into a small smirk.

“What do you think?” you ask after a second. 

To your credit, your voice isn’t as strained as he expected, so Dazai ups it a notch, fingers sliding from where they’re caressing your hip to trail across your inner thigh. All out of sight from the officer on your left, but Dazai can tell he’s aware that something is going on from the way his enamored expression starts shifting into a more awkward one.

Dazai gives him a smug, sardonic smile before saying, “I think our friend over here should go get us the CCTV tapes—that’ll be much more useful to us then a bunch of reports.”

The other man’s face shifts in confusion, brows furrowing and lips curving down, but before he can say no, you speak up and agree, “That would be great.”

Dazai rolls his eyes when it makes the man straighten and nod, “I’ll get it right away.”

Before he steps out of the room, Dazai tosses another look over his shoulder, this one colder than it is smug, and he says maybe a bit too snidely, “Don’t come back until you have them.”

The officer doesn’t reply as he leaves the room, and as soon as the door clicks shut, Dazai is pulling away from you to walk over to it. He locks it quickly and then turns to face you, tilting his head to the side as his gaze roves over your body. You’re leaning back against the table, eyebrows raised, and Dazai doesn’t stop himself this time when his gaze lowers to the swell of your breasts just barely made visible by your partially unbuttoned shirt.

“C’mere,” he murmurs, motioning for you to come over to him.

You don’t budge. Instead, you raise your eyebrows and say dryly, “There are cameras in here, Dazai.”

He pointedly looks up to the two corners of the room that they’re in and then back down to where he’s standing, silently telling you that this is a blind spot. After a moment’s hesitation, you push yourself off the table and make your way over to him. Dazai tilts his head back against the wall, looking down at you through his lashes as you come to stand directly in front of him. He pretends that his throat doesn’t bob when he feels your fingers slip into his belt loops.

“What’s gotten into you?” you ask, but your eyes are glittering so he knows you know exactly what the problem is—and to think he thought you weren’t cruel, you might just be the worst type of cruel there is, hiding it behind pretty smiles and sweet words. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous because that cop has a crush.”

“I don’t get jealous,” Dazai replies with a simpering smile, lifting one hand to cradle your cheek, breath catching as your eyes flutter shut, pressing your face into his hand. “I just didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”

Dazai thinks that you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen—he’s thought it since the day he met you, but he thinks it especially now when you’re leaning into his touch like it isn’t poisonous, like his hands aren’t stained with blood and his soul isn’t black and rotten. You deserve better than him, and that’s another reason why he refuses to take that next step: he knows one day you’ll realize it too. You’ll realize that you’ve fallen for a mask, that the man you care about doesn’t actually exist, it’s a thing that can barely call itself human pretending to be him.

He wonders if you know. He wonders if you know that something is wrong with him—he thinks that you must have some inkling after the bout of paranoia he had a few weeks ago when he was at your apartment, but he doubts you know the extent of it. He doubts you know that thoughts running through his head whenever that officer looked at you were anything but just casual jealousy; that every time he leaned in closer to you, Dazai’s fingers twitched in the direction of the gun given to him by the Agency that he’s only supposed to use in emergencies. 

Old habits die hard, Dazai has always been quite trigger happy. They never should’ve put a gun in his general vicinity.

 He leans down to ghost his lips below your ear, savoring in the way he feels you take in a sharp breath. His fingers tangle in your hair as he pulls your head back just enough to kiss the spot beneath your jaw that makes you writhe, and just as he expects, you let out a breathy moan against his ear that makes his head dizzy, your hands darting up to cling at the sleeves of his jacket.

“Dazai,” you gasp as he kisses down your neck. He hums in response, his free hand resting on your waist as he pulls you impossibly closer. “Are you sure…”

“I’m sure,” he says, and then adds smugly, “When am I ever wrong?”

He doesn’t have to see your face to know that you’re probably rolling your eyes at him, but he doesn’t give you the chance to make a witty remark about the first time the two of you met. His grip tightens on your waist as he flips you around so that your back is to his chest.

His hands immediately work to unbutton your slacks, lips finding their way back to your neck to pepper kisses up and down your skin as he watches the rapid rise and fall of your chest. He lets out a low groan against your skin when he slides his hand into your pants and feels just how damp your panties are.

“This better be for me,” he mutters more to himself than to you, nipping at the skin of your neck. His voice is a bit more rough now as he asks you, “Lace?”

He lifts his face from your neck to look at you. Your eyes are half lidded as the pads of his fingers trace the cloth of your panties, head lolled back against his shoulder, breath ragged and lips parted, but there’s something teasing in your gaze as it flickers up to meet his.

“The ones you like,” you breathe out, and Dazai swallows thickly. “I was gonna see if you wanted to come over after this.” 

“Shit,” he whispers, putting pressure right over where your clit is hidden, watching the way your thighs tremble. “Look at you, only I make you feel this good, yeah?”

“Don’t tease.” The whine that clings to your words makes Dazai’s head spin. He can already feel his cock straining against his pants and tries to ease some of the friction by pressing you back into him, rolling his hips against your ass. “Dazai-”

“Shhhh,” Dazai soothes with a grin, kissing up your neck to your ear when he hears the distress in your tone. “I’ve got you.” 

With practiced ease, he slides his fingers beneath your panties, middle finger dipping between your folds. He inhales sharply, immediately losing his grin when he feels how wet you are.

“This better be for me,” he repeats, a bit more seriously this time as he slides his finger between your folds, putting pressure on your entrance but not quite pushing in. “Hm?”

He waits for a response, relishing in the way your whole body trembles against him. He doesn’t even know if you know what he asked, you already seem so fucked out—lips wet and parted as you breathe in and out shakily, lashes fluttering and chest heaving.

“Tell me,” he presses, his free hand sliding up your body, untucking your shirt so he can slip his hand beneath it to feel your skin.

“‘course it’s for you, Dazai,” you say after a few seconds of confusion, like you were trying to remember what he asked. “What kind of question is that?” 

Dazai doesn’t respond to that, letting out a pleased hum as he kisses your jaw again. He also doesn’t give you the chance to say anything else, quickly plunging his middle finger deep inside of you. The sudden intrusion has your hand flying to your mouth to muffle the cry that escapes your lips—he almost wants to pull your hand away, but decides against it because he doesn’t want anyone else hearing you like this.

You try to rock your hips to get him moving, but Dazai’s hand flattens against your stomach, holding you still against him.

“Dazai-” you gasp his name again, this time your voice is more pitched, caught between a whine and a complaint.

“Patience,” he coos, but his voice is strained and his breath is heavier as your tight walls hug his finger, imagining that it’s his cock instead. He drags his finger out until only the tip remains inside of you. He teases your entrance again, tracing a gentle circle but not pushing back in. “Bet you could already take two fingers for me, yeah?”

“What if he comes back?” you suddenly ask panic flying through your eyes as if you’ve only just remembered where you are. Dazai is distinctly displeased by the thought of another man crossing your mind while his fingers are inside of you. “Dazai, what if-”

“He won’t,” Dazai answers you, making his displeasure known as he nips your neck. 

“How do you-”

“The corner that the disappearance took place on—it’s a blind spot for the CCTV cameras,” he answers before you can finish. Dazai knows this because he killed a target in that exact same spot two and a half years ago. “He’ll be gone for a while. He won’t want to come back empty handed to you.” 

Dazai doesn’t give you the chance to question him anymore, sliding his middle and ring fingers inside of you and watching as your jaw falls slack. To make up for the displeasure he felt at you bringing up that irritating cop, he fucks you hard with his fingers—you barely have time to bite the palm of your hand before his fingers are stretching your walls.

He thinks he might be pushing his luck—he doesn’t know if the cameras in the corners of the room pick up sound, and if they do, he doesn’t know how well they pick it up. Even if you’re doing your very best at muffling your moans, there’s no hiding the sloppy sound of his fingers driving in and out of your cunt—it’s wet and filthy, and it has Dazai’s head dizzy. 

His eyes drag up from where his fingers are plunging in and out of you back up to your face. Your pretty eyes are almost fully rolled back as he fucks you closer and closer to the edge and your lashes are wet. One particularly rough snap of his wrist has your hand falling limp from your mouth to your side and your lips parting in a moan that Dazai doesn’t dare allow anyone else to hear. Quickly, his free hand darts up to grab your jaw hard, turning your face toward him so he can press his lips to yours messily, swallowing the keening moan before you can let it out. 

He kisses you deeply, tongue tracing the inside of your mouth gently in contrast to the rapid thrusts of his fingers. You try to kiss him back, but you can hardly even breathe with how deep his fingers fuck into you. He knows you're close—he can feel it in the way your whole body is trembling, and how your pussy flutters around his fingers, so he picks up the pace, just as desperate to bring you over the edge as you are to get there.

He’s the only one that can make you feel like this. He’s the only one that can make your body shudder and writhe, he’s the only one that can make your eyes roll back in pleasure, he’s the only one and he needs to prove it.

“C’mon, baby,” he pleads against your lips. The pet name that spills from his lips is not the teasing bella he likes to hit you with like he intended—it comes out strained, breathy, just as desperate as he feels. The lack of control scares him a bit, but he’s too out of it for it to take hold. “C’mon, once on my fingers, then as many times as you want on my cock when we get home, alright?”

He doesn’t know what you’re trying to say, the noise that spills from your lips, muffled against his mouth, is a moan, caught between his name and a please and something else he can’t make out. Distantly, he thinks that the bandages on his forearm must be ruined, he can feel your slickness dripping down his hand to his wrist and he can hear the lewd sounds of his fingers pushing in and out of you. He doesn’t care—in fact, the thought only makes his lower abdomen tighter. 

“I’m gonna-” you gasp, the only word she can make out and Dazai grins.

“Yeah, you are,” he rasps, scissoring his fingers inside of you and rubbing his index finger over your clit, and you’re gone. 

Dazai groans when he feels you moan his name against his lips, hand dropping from your face to your waist to hold you upright as your knees buckle. You cum hard on his fingers, hips stuttering and stilling, and he can feel tears spilling over your cheeks. His cock is painfully hard now and he wants nothing more than to unbuckle his pants and replace his fingers with it, but he thinks that would be pushing his luck—he’s never had any semblance of control once his cock is inside you and he needs to keep an ear out for footsteps approaching the conference room. 

He rides out your high, pace slowing as he continues to fuck his fingers into your sensitive cunt, wiping your tears with his free hand once you’ve steadied yourself. You tremble, reeling from the intensity of your orgasm, and Dazai only removes his fingers when you claw at his wrist for him to stop.

His fingers are dripping with your cum, and though Dazai is aching for a taste himself, he instead lifts them to your lips. You’re still trying to get ahold of yourself, leaning back against his chest and breathing heavily, but you instinctually part your lips for him. His breath catches when you take both of his fingers into your mouth, lashes fluttering shut and tongue swirling around his digits as you taste yourself off of him.

“Fuck,” he groans, hand dropping down to rub the heel of his hand against his cock, desperately trying to alleviate the pressure. He has no idea how he’s going to hide this before the officer gets back and…

His thoughts trail off when you finally push off of him, your legs are still trembling, and your eyes are still a little hazy, but your gaze drops from his face to his rapidly rising and falling chest down to where he’s rubbing his cock through his pants. And then, you lower yourself to your knees in front of him.

“Oh, fuck,” he repeats, voice breathy this time and pupils blown wide as he watches your fingers work at the buckle of his belt.

Dazai almost wishes that the officer would come back soon, just so he could walk in on you with a faceful of Dazai’s cock. But if that happens, all of Ango’s work will go out the window because there’s no way he’s letting someone see you like this and walk out alive. 

Dazai’s cock twitches as soon as you free it from its confines. He’s already leaking an embarrassing amount of precum, and his tip is flushed red, but you waste no time before ghosting your lips across his length, suckling gently at the vein running along the underside of his cock before wrapping your lips around his tip.

Dazai chews at his lower lip, thighs tensing as he resists the urge to thrust his hips forward and shove his cock down your throat. Instead, his throat spasms as he swallows, reaching out to cradle the back of your head gently, carding his fingers through your hair soothingly.

“Lookit you,” he breathes out, voice wavering as he swallows another low groan. His fingers tighten in your hair just a bit, but he doesn’t push your face down on his cock, head falling back against the door as you work his cock further down your throat. His breath is ragged and heavy as your tight muscles spasm around him, desperately trying to adjust to the intrusion, and he can feel your nails digging into the bandages wrapped around his hips. “That’s my girl.”

Another loss of control that should probably concern him, but you’re quick to take his mind off of it with the way he can feel you let out a whine around him, nails digging a little bit deeper into skin as you take him fully into your mouth, lips flush to his pelvis and nose buried in his pubic hair.

His head falls forward as he pants, watching your throat struggle to adjust to him. He strokes your hair gently, silently beckoning you to look up at him because he worries that if he opens his mouth to speak, he’ll let out a pornographic moan, one that will be impossible to deny if anyone over hears.

Your lashes flutter as you look up at him, eyes wide and glassy with fat tears that roll steadily over your cheeks. 

Beautiful, he thinks hazily, and his—all his. No one else gets to see you like this, no one else gets to imagine you like this—you’re his. 

He chokes over air, free hand coming up to cover his mouth and hips jerking forward. He feels you gag around him and his hand drops to caress your cheek in apology, trying to wipe away your tears, but it’s clumsy and frantic—the sight of you on your knees for him, tears streaming down you face as you take him down your throat, is enough to send him spiraling over the edge.

His vision spots with black dots, the taut cord in his abdomen tightens and then snaps. He’s hardly able to muffle the moan that spills from his lips as his eyes knock back and his head falls against the metal of the door. His whole body tenses and spasms as he cums down your throat, he gasps for air, thumb still stroking your cheek as you struggle to swallow all of his cum.

It takes a minute for Dazai to regain some semblance of control over himself. By the time he has, you’re standing on shaky legs and tucking his sensitive cock back into his pants. His hazy gaze focuses on your face—your lips are wet and swollen, your eyes are still glassy, and this time Dazai doesn’t have an excuse as he lifts his hands to cradle your face and says quietly, “Mine.”

Your smile is teasing. “‘I don’t get jealous,’” you mock lightly, leaning in to press your lips against his. Dazai’s eyes flutter shut as his hand slinks around your body to your back, pulling your body flush to his as he deepens the kiss, sinking into the familiar feeling of your lips sliding against his. 

“I don’t have reason to be jealous,” Dazai murmurs, this time with a different meaning. He pulls back slightly so he can button your pants back up and tuck your dress shirt back into them, making sure you look presentable before the officer gets back.

Instead of teasing him again, your smile softens and you affirm, “You don’t,” and Dazai’s throat tightens. 

The thought of being in an actual relationship has always been suffocating to Dazai. Imagining having to spend the rest of his life with one person, having someone rely on him when his will to live is fickle at best and nonexistent at worst, becoming dependent on someone who could leave him on a moment’s notice… It makes his stomach churn with disgust, his chest tight with anxiety.

But when that faceless someone turns into you, Dazai realizes that the thought of a relationship is not quite as unappealing as it’s always been to him. Does it still make him skittish? Sure, but does it outweigh the green hue that colors his vision whenever someone looks at you and thinks you’re not his? Does it outweigh the bolt of fear he feels whenever he sees someone display interest in you, wondering if maybe you’ll get sick of his flighty behavior and give them a chance?

Absolutely not.

Dazai hears footsteps approaching the door he’s leaning on, and quickly unlocks it, motioning for you to stand back by the conference table. When the officer opens the door, the two of you are standing there casually like you never moved.

The officer gives you an apologetic smile that makes Dazai’s eyes twitch. “It doesn’t seem like there’s any CCTV footage from the area.”

Before you can respond, Dazai smiles tightly and says, “Wow, and it took almost twenty minutes for you to realize that—no wonder the police keep coming to us for help.”

You elbow Dazai, but he’s unrepentant, giving you a sweet smile before turning a cooler one back onto the officer. “If you don’t mind, we can finish the rest back at our office tomorrow now that we have the files. We have a date to get to.”

He doesn’t have to look at you to know you’re raising your eyebrows at him, but he keeps his gaze trained on the officer, finding sick satisfaction in the way the man’s eyes dart between the two of you, a dawning expression crossing his face.

“A… date?” 

“A date,” Dazai confirms, picking up the file and motioning for you to leave. He pointedly ignores the amused expression on your face as you make your way out of the room, walking past the officer who dumbly steps out of the way. “Thanks for the help… or, well, lack thereof.”

It’s only when the door slams shut behind the two of you, do you finally echo, “… A date?”

Hesitantly, Dazai confirms, “A date?”

When you don’t immediately respond, Dazai’s smile starts to freeze, considering that maybe you don’t want to date him and he read all of this wrong. You want to keep things casual, no strings attached. But after a few agonizing moments, you hook your arm around his and lean into him.

“Where are you taking me then, hm?”

“… It’s a surprise,” he replied.

A surprise for both of you, because Dazai hasn’t thought that far ahead yet. 

A tenseness that he hadn’t even realized was in his shoulders dissipates when you laugh and press your lips to his upper arm before resting your head against it. 

“Alright,” you agree, although he’s pretty sure you know damn well this is all spur of the moment. “Let’s go then.”

Though Dazai tries to rifle through all of the options of places you like to go, when the two of you step outside, all coherent thought washes right out of the window when you turn to look up at him, the setting sun casting an ethereal glow over your face.

“What is it?” you ask when he freezes in his tracks to admire you. “Dazai?”

For just a split second, Dazai can imagine it. He can imagine a life with you, and there’s no sign of any of the suffocation or discomfort he usually feels when he thinks of long term commitment too hard. He imagines waking up to you in the morning and falling asleep to you at night, he imagines spending his days laid up in bed with you sharing kisses and sweet nothings and he imagines dragging you around the city to show you off to anyone and everyone. His thoughts start to spiral out of control, and he’s glancing down at your ring finger, wondering-

“Dazai?”

Dazai’s thoughts come to an abrupt halt, and he swallows thickly when a more realistic image comes to mind—the expression on your face when you find out about his past, the disgust, the fear, the realization that he’s just not who he made himself out to be, that he’s been lying to you since day one.

“Nothing,” he says after a moment, voice a little raspy, so he shakes his head, giving you a disarming smile and clearing his throat. “You’re just so stunning that it leaves me at a loss for words, sweet bella.”

You don’t seem to buy it, but you don’t press, arm tightening around his as you make your way back over to your car.

As soon as you look away, his expression shifts into a more downcast one as his gaze tracks back over to you. It’s only a matter of time, he remembers. His past will catch up with him sooner rather than later, and no matter what you may insist about the past being in the past, he knows everything will change when you finally realize what all he’s been hiding from you.

… but maybe there’s not too much harm in indulging while he still can. He just has to keep reminding himself that he can’t get too attached.

“You should let me drive,” Dazai says sweetly. “So I can drive us to the place and keep it a surprise for you.”

You laugh in his face. “As if.”

You usher him over to the passenger seat before making your way back over to the driver’s side, and Dazai finds a genuine smile unconsciously curling at the corners of his lips. One that quickly falls when his fingers wrap around the handle of the car door.

He thinks, maybe, it might be far too late to stop himself from getting attached.

[mors-neptune]

I think I'm gonna make a reblog chian of all the little phrases and Apollo uses throughout ToA, now that I'm rereading it. Bc like, he has such a unique way of speaking, and I really wanna dig into it, you know? Ok let's start.

He says "heavens help me" instead of "heaven help me" using the plural the same way demigods do with "oh my gods". I'm guessing this is an acknowledgment of other pantheons? Or I'm looking too far into it, I've just never heard this phrase with a plural "heavens" before.

He calls Cade and Mikey "Ruffians" . And he makes fun of the arrow for being Shakespearean.

He also refers to people as "Mortals" a lot here, which I remembered him doing, but now I want to keep track and see if he keeps that up throughout all the books, or if it peters out near the end.

"I thought how amusing it would be if I could make the snake tattoos around his neck come alive and strangle him to death" I honestly love how violent Apollo's thoughts can be sometimes. Like, you can tell he's someone who has done shit like this before.

I also want to keep track of all the little anecdotes Apollo brings up, so we'll start with the guitar contest against Chuck Berry in 1957, which apparently ended with him getting repeatedly stomped on.

"But something told me this was not she" II love how it's the little things that really get across how old Apollo is. Rick could've easily just said "It wasn't her" or something, but instead he had Apollo phrase this in a way that is far more formal, and more reminiscent of the grammatical patterns of old english. Idk it's just really cool.

(Side note that's not connected to Apollo: Meg's glasses are black? I feel like I've been living a lie, I've been coloring them red for years lol)

God his metaphors are just so striking. Like, I can imagine the phrase "Whatever was left of my pride turned into ice water and trickled into my socks" but I don't want to, because that's such a visceral feeling. I like that Apollo inadvertently proving how poetic he is by making the reader as uncomfortable as possible.

I think I'm gonna start crying out "Horrors!" when I'm upset to. I think I deserve that level of drama.

ahh the classic "My blessings upon you!" Again, I love how every little line characterizes him. Either it's overly formal, like before, or subtly arrogant, like here, or both. It's so fun.

I need to write him saying "Sacred Sibyl!" more. Because that is such a fun little term. Rolls right off the tongue, honestly.

I think I'm gonna leave it there for now, but trust that I will definitely be adding more to this later. Bc Lester-speak is so fun to really look into.

[mors-neptune]

We need to talk about Zen.

Every character in Mystic Messenger is a tragic one, and the Casual Story trio is often disregarded in that respect. But there is one character for whom I’ve hardly seen it explored at all. Maybe it’s because his route sucks such major ass, or because he’s honestly a bit of an asshole, misogynistic, homophobic, and ableist; or maybe it’s because his trauma is only briefly, fleetingly mentioned, as he and his friends refer to it, and then quickly brush it aside.

Zen Ryu, beautiful, stupid, and self-absorbed, is, on the surface, a perfect comic relief character, a beloved himbo, brash but well-intentioned. And I think this wonderful actor has been playing that role so well that he has fooled everyone, including the fandom.

Some character exploration and the uncropped art under the cut.

It’s no secret that Zen’s selfishness is nothing but a coping mechanism, masking a deep-set fear of inadequacy and paralysing self-doubt. It’s stated explicitly by Ray in Another Story, and it’s pretty evident from the way Zen is quick to worry there’s nothing more to him than his looks.

It’s obvious where he got it, considering how his mother treated him and his passions, and how his brother turned his back on him when he needed him the most. But there are more things I haven’t seen discussed anywhere, and I have a lot of thoughts and headcanons, and simply questions, so let’s start from the very beginning.

It’s made very clear in Zen’s route that his early life was… well, horrible. As early as kindergarten, he started getting singled out for his looks. Strangers kept staring at him and wanting to touch him, which bothered his mother.

Instead of getting on their child’s side, little Hyun’s parents tried to convince him he was ugly, to ‘humble’ him. It’s said that they just wanted him to be successful and to have a stable, secure life. Well, good intentions pave the road to hell, as it’s said. What they got as a result was a child who was harassed and stalked at school and in the streets with no one to confide in but his brother, who didn’t explicitly dismiss it, but still made light of it.

A little interesting point:

Make a note here of the ‘protection’ line, because I will get back to it later.

Anyway, whatever small support and understanding little Hyun’s brother provided him with, it wasn’t meant to last. Zen states that their parents treated them so differently they effectively separated them.

When he entered middle school and found passion for music, what his mother saw was her son turning to a precarious road and basically undermining his future. When she tried to convince him his dreams were stupid, Hyun’s brother took her side, leaving Hyun without the last person in his family who supported him. So little Hyun ran away from home, and thus began the story of Zen.

And here is where things get interesting. Zen left home when he was in middle school. A middle schooler in South Korea is anywhere between 12 and 15 years old. And a person living on their own must eat something and sleep somewhere. But here’s the catch: you can only rent if you are at least 19 (I’m assuming, Korean-19, so 18), and you can technically work part-time jobs starting at 13, but you need parental permission for that. And for any full-time job you must be 18. And this is the first big question with no easy answer: how did little Hyun survive after he left home? Where did he live, and what did he eat?

We can assume that for a while, he stayed with his friends, whom he for some reason tried to hide from his parents.

However, it would have been problematic for him to make it a long-term arrangement. If his friends were teenagers like him, their parents would be likely to tell his family where he was so that they would come collect their son. And if the friends were older and employed, it’s doubtful they would be well off enough to host a dependent long-term, unless there was something sinister going on. So the question remains: where did he live and what did he eat?

He mentions part-time jobs and extortion as sources of income, he worked night shifts to make ends meet, and there are also the mysterious 'bad things' that we will get back to later. But there are more variables here than just money.

Well, as far as I can tell, the answer to that is right here:

And now, I want you to stop for a moment and think about what this implies.

A child in his early teens (I like to assume 13-14), and a very pretty child at that, with a history of harassment that was never addressed, let alone stopped, finds himself on the street (at this point, we can presume: homeless and hungry). And he catches the eye of gangsters. Perhaps it’s my fresh experience watching ‘Banana Fish’ speaking (definitely not, I've had this conviction basically since I saw 'bad things' mentioned), but I want to really ask you: what do you think gangsters are likely to do with a beautiful and vulnerable young boy, besides use him for petty crimes Zen admits on the screens above? What 'bad things' could he have been forced to do to survive?

This admission by Zen himself doesn’t help my train of thoughts at all:

Of course, this is said in the context of exploitation at work, but given the gangs and the ‘bad things’, one can’t help but draw a connection.

Besides, this is where that screen I told you to take note of comes into play. Zen says that after middle school, he understood what his parents were trying to protect him from, essentially what dangers being pretty entailed. It couldn’t have been the usual harassment that he had been facing since kindergarten, he would have understood that by then. Another interesting point is that for someone with a gangster past, Zen is suspiciously gender nonconforming in his looks, and mellow in general demeanour. Yes, he’s rough around the edges, he’s homophobic, misogynistic, and foul-mouthed, but he isn’t really violent. Someone who used to fit in with gangs, especially as a youth, I would think, looks and acts differently. And this all takes me to a very grim conclusion: I firmly don’t believe that a good-looking and vulnerable child with no support network and with a history of harassment survived in gangs without being molested or sexually exploited once.

But let’s not delve into my headcanons and continue with the facts we have. These bits and pieces that come together to form a picture of Zen’s teenage years already paint a pretty morbid picture. But he made it big, became an actor, and left it all behind, and he’s happy in the canon timeline, right? Right?!

Wrong.

The most obvious thing is the contents of Zen’s fridge, which Jaehee points out when she goes to see him.

It’s referenced many times in the game, Zen lightheartedly says he often skips meals and in general eats pretty badly, and I think even V refers to it. And it’s easy to chalk it up to his insane diets and the expectations of his body and looks that he has to maintain to stay in the industry. Or, if you are a little like me and like to assume the worst, you can also attribute it to Zen’s borderline self-harming workaholism. But I think there’s a little bit more to it, and the key to it is actually where Zen lives.

I remember being a little confused as to why everyone was surprised that Zen lived in a semi-basement.

But I didn’t give it much thought, after all, semi-basements seem to be cheaper here as well, and Zen’s flat looked pretty nice on CGs (if extremely beige). And it wasn’t until recently when I was talking to a colleague about his friend sharing her experience in Korea that I learned that semi-basements were actually a signature dwelling of the poorest, and seemingly a clearly understandable trope for a Korean. Those semi-basement apartments are often at risk of flooding, which is apparently a well-known fact, and also why they’re supposed to be banned as residential quarters. And, of course, Zen is quick to tell everyone he likes that place with poor ventilation and little sunlight, because it’s Zen, after all. He has that working class mentality because he’s cool, and he likes underground apartments and old tech.

But it seems that the picture of his present life is also pretty grim. Now, I’m not in South Korea, and I know little about how theatre actors are paid there, but I can tell you what I know from several actor/actress friends here in Ukraine: theatre actors aren’t, unfortunately, paid shit. Even the ones you recognise and talk about, working in cool popular theatres, drop over half of their salary to rent a shitty apartment, and are left wondering what they’re going to eat. So it seems pretty likely to me that Zen’s empty fridge, old computer and mp3 player, daily subway commute, and semi-basement apartment all point to one simple fact: he’s simply poor.

And to make it worse, he seems to be extremely lonely.

I’m pretty sure he also mentions isolating himself when he’s feeling bad, but I can’t seem to find screenshots for that anywhere.

All that said, when the fandom looks at Zen, they see a self-absorbed himbo, the ‘don’t kill yourself you so sexy aha’ type of guy. And he is, and I think he’s hilarious, and I’m the first one to laugh at him tbh. But when I look at him for a little longer than a second, I see a young man who has been harassed to hell and back starting as early as kindergarten, who never graduated from school, who ran away from home in his early teens, worked multiple jobs, and still had to resort to crime to make ends meet. I see a young man who was once a vulnerable teen at the mercy of gangsters, who had to learn that all help comes with strings attached. And I see a young man struggling silently with poverty while maintaining a facade of a glamorous and charming actor.

And I think the charming actor has fooled everyone.

[mors-neptune]

bro

[mors-neptune]

my favourite emo🤭

i already posted this on ig but i should post here too. anyway love u

[mors-neptune]

I, personally, think one of the grossest fandom misrepresentation is the fact that, collectively, I've seen people view Nico di Angelo as introverted.

He's not.

In fact, there's sufficient evidence that prove he's actually quite extraverted, and all three Greco-Roman series have plot points that are directly affected by Nico di Angelo actively seeking people out and becoming their friends (Nico & Hestia in TLO, Nico & Bob in HOH, and Nico & the Troglodytes in TON).

I think where this common misconception comes from is, most of the time, we see Nico from the point of view of someone else, and to most people in universe, he'd seen as being introverted, because of how much he isolates himself from other demigods (who we are getting this pov from), but if we look at him through an unbiased lens, it's pretty obvious that this is not a sign of introversion, but rather insecurity. Nico believes he's a burden and an outcast, and therefore doesn't wish to interact with most people because of that. He's afraid of being denied things as a son of Hades, and therefore doesn't interact much with demigods at the beginning.

But non-demigods? He'll yap all day long. He saw Hestia sitting alone and he approached without any fear or animosity because he saw someone lonely and marched over there so that she could have a friend. And he stayed her friend. Percy and Annabeth survived Tartarus because Nico actively sought out Bob after the events of The Sword of Hades and yapped to him about Percy and how good he is even if Percy never thought to befriend Bob until it was too late. The fact that Nico had befriended the troglodytes basically allowed to Apollo to become immortal again, and save Bob in TSATS.

Nico gets overwhelmed easily in groups, I believe, more has to do with the fact that he's neurodivergent and self-isolated for so long that he's forgotten how to act, and that itself is overstimulating. While I do agree Nico has some introverted traits (as does every extravert because it's not a one or the other thing) I think he is shown to be a lot more extraverted in the Riordanverse as a whole.

If you think Nico is far more introverted than extraverted, I'd love to hear your reasonings, but I think as a fandom people have strongly mischaracterized him, and want to talk about it.

[mors-neptune]

Unironically, I think that Saeyoung would enjoy carrying his S/O around in his arms the most out of all mysmes characters. Take a moment to think about it. He knows he's in good physical shape. But nobody else does. He avoids talking about it or showing it off. It's a rather big contrast compared to his other skills and accomplishments he loves bragging about in the chatrooms, even if he often muddies the truth to keep everyone safe from his true identity. And when someone does notice the defined muscle in his arms, he's rather dismissive of it. A strange: 'Oh, yeah, I got some muscle' attitude, before he casually switches the subject. I kind of feel like he has very negative connotations about his own physical strength.

Saeyoung is a protector. It's his best AND he's worst quality simultaneously. As a child, he was too weak to protect Saeran. He used his brain, not his muscle. Now, he's a grown man. A strong, grown man who's probably much more capable of protecting someone physically when push comes to shove. But instead that strength is utilized by him for shady jobs at best, and downright horrible crimes at worst. His strength does no good for him. But he's forced to maintain it nonetheless. To remain alive. In order to protect Saeran, he needs to remain alive. To protect his brother not with his muscle. But with his brain.

Now, imagine this. His perspective on himself changes greatly when you come into his life. You help him believe in himself, to fight for what he thinks is right, to have hope into the bright future where he actually deserves to be happy and free, along with his family. He has viewed himself as nothing but a fraud, a forever tainted fallen angel, but you make him see the good and earnest man inside him that has always been there.

And with you, he can use his muscles for good, for the first time in his life. He can make you smile, squeal, and giggle in delight as he effortlessly sweeps you off your feet and twirls you around, joining you in your fit of laughter. He can help you carry the groceries on the way to his car, such a simple and mundane gesture, but one he finds himself enjoying almost too much. He can make you feel safe as he carries you up to your shared bedroom, since you can just relax and nuzzle into him without any worry in the world.

Because he's got you.

I'm skeptical that Saeyoung will stick to the same workout routine he had to follow while being an informant. Once his father is out of the picture and he knows his family is safe, he can allow himself to relax. Indulge a little. But I do think he'll maintain some of his muscle mass, specifically in his arms. As time passes and you settle into the quiet life of domestic bliss he's always dreamed of, his shape will become more supple and round, but his arms will always be there to remind you that he'll forever be your anchor.

And for him to remember that his strength can now be used to make someone happy.

[mors-neptune]

it’s 2am and i need my daily dose of angst

what are the most angstiest hcs you have for the choi twins? like genuinely heartbreaking ones

TW; Eating Problems, Emetophobia, Body Insecurity, Survivor's Guilt, Life Attempt / The Explosion, and the expected past-abuse warning for the Choi twins.

Ray physically recoils and sobs whenever his red roots start to come back in. A part of him is happy to see it because he thinks he may be able to have his original hair back someday, someday when all of the things his Savior told him are in the past and it's revealed that all of it had been a misunderstanding. He wants to believe that he'll be happy with Saeyoung again.

It's an overwhelming moment, but it's over just as soon as his fingers touch the vibrant red.

It burns.

It burns like he's been sent to Hell, and he screams. "Not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair!" Images of lies burn through his mind as the worst of the worst begins to settle in. Every vicious lie Rika told him tangled in with the images he's seen of his brother in the RFA, laughing, having fun, and living a life without him that he promised he'd never lead on his own.

Ray was abandoned, forgotten, and left behind.

This red is wrong.

This face is wrong.

These eyes are wrong.

This body is wrong, wrong, wrong—

The bleach burns his scalp before he has time to process what he's doing. He doesn't care how he removes the color, just that the color is removed as soon as possible, and that's why there's traces of pink in his hair... it's not intentional. It's what he misses every time he tries to stripe the color from his head. He always misses a few spots, and it's a damn wonder his hair doesn't look more patchy, but frying the color out of his scalp makes the bad feeling go away.

Until it comes back, of course.

Suit Saeran makes the sweetest of desserts. He makes them so he can stare at them just like he did in his childhood memories. The cake you saw in the dead of night when he mocked you? That cake is what his Mother used to make a mockery of him when he was hungry and all he had to eat was old slices of white bread. He hates white bread... he hates it so much because it tastes like the driest crumbs he had to eat to survive alongside Saeyoung.

You want to know the worst thing about salivating at a treat you're not allowed to have? You want it. You still want it even though you've been told you'll never be able to have what you want. You want it so bad that you'll run over every scenario in your mind to find a way to eat the smallest dollop and not get in trouble for it.

If you've spent a long time staring at something, you've imagined every scenario in the book to get into your clutches... and do you want to know the worst thing about those treats Saeran made to "taunt" you? He didn't eat them, either. He didn't eat the sweetest strawberry cake... he couldn't. Because, he remembers what it felt like to have food after denied for a few days after being brought to Mint Eye.

...And when he stopped screaming, they brought him food... and in that variety of food was a meal that anyone who was starving out of their mind could only dream of. You know what happened the exact second he took a bite of the sweetest thing on the place? It... tasted wrong. Every time he makes this particular treat, it tastes like poison. So, not only was he tormenting you, he was tormenting himself, that cake ended up on the floor because it tasted WRONG.

WRONG WRONG WRONG.

MINT EYE IS WRONG.

WRONG WRONG WRONG.

VAE Ray spent a few days in the rubble. It's a wonder he was able to survive in the first place. Jihyun had an operation to save his life from the elixir AND the stab wound. He was in the hospital for at least two to three days, and the only person who could've found him happens to be the same person who brings him out of the country to heal and recuperate for two and half years.

Can you imagine what it felt like to be in the rubble of a building you intentionally destroyed? To lay there for hours as the ash, soot, and God knows what else floated in the air all around you? To know that you can't do anything right, that you can't DIE RIGHT, and all of the people who promised they'd never leave you—left you?

To be unable to scream out for help because your lungs feel charred, to be unable to move because your entire body has been scorched from one side to the other? What was the meaning of your life? All you can do is lay there in the rubble, sobbing, because you can't get up, and every time you fade in and out of consciousness, you think it might be for the last time and maybe you'll be at peace next time and not wake up.

Or, maybe you are dead and this is just the hell you deserve to be in because you were never good enough for heaven, that's what you feel the longer you stay there... and you know the worst part? When Ray is found by Jihyun, it's not relief he feels, it's anger and fear, because he thinks Jihyun was sent there to mock him, bringing him false hope to believe he wasn't abandoned, but also fear, because part of him really didn't want to die but he saw no other option.

And underneath all of that?

Relief that feels like delusion because someone came back for him but it feels like it's too late to save his life.

SE Saeran doesn't sleep well at night. He lashes out, he kicks, and he screams. He has night terrors about Mint Eye. He has nightmares all about that place no matter how far away he is from that building and what it did to him. He has episodes where he wakes up and thinks he is back in his office, trembling, shaking, and his body pushes him to look for his desk to start working as soon as possible because he isn't in the mood to be punished again.

Nothing can stop these episodes, and while he is getting therapy and doing better during the daytime, nothing stops his nightmares, and it does keep him from sleeping with his possible partner. He has to stay in his own bed, possibly even his own room, while you video call each other from other sides of the house, and as painful as that is, it helps him feel safer than he would if he were to hurt you during one of the episodes.

God, you want to know the worst ones?

It's when he wakes up, screaming, and he has no choice but to sprint into the bathroom his brother built into his room to help him feel way more in control over his environment. He's sick, and once he's able to pull himself away from the toilet, he spends the next half-hour trying to burn his hands to remove the sticky feeling of V's blood from both of his hands.

He's trying to remove the feeling of Saeyoung's blood away from his hands, too. He has flashbacks about that day all the time, thinking his brother is dead and V is dead and it's all his fault and he needs to get rid of the blood because it feels wrong, and he's wrong, and he's just a PAWN WHO NEVER MATTERED BECAUSE—

RIKA SAID SHE WANTED HIS BROTHER. NOT HIM. SHE WANTED TO USE SAEYOUNG. NOT HIM. "USE" HIM. IT WAS NEVER REAL. IT WAS A LIE.

ALL A LIE.

Saeyoung can't stop looking over his shoulders no matter where he is. He can't stop looking. It doesn't matte where he is. He has to have a full view of the room he's in, and that means he spends his time on his phone looking for camera feeds and other means to control what he can in his environment. It's nice when he's in his bunker because he has a defense system and cameras all over the place. He's ready for war if it comes to that.

But, it's a horrible way to live your life, isn't it?

To be afraid and know that this paranoia you experience isn't just some fear you have that has nothing to warrant. His paranoia has a reason to exist and it doesn't matter when the party's over and his Father is out of the picture. He pissed off a lot of people during his years in the agency, and until all of those people are out of the way, he can't stop being afraid of losing his life, or being the reason why his loved ones lose their.

He has nightmares, too.

He wakes up in the dead of night, searching for the modified tablet on his bedside table, and he can't breathe until he checks the feed to make sure that nobody's come in or out of the house. Saeran doesn't mess with the system. In fact, SE Saeran doesn't want to touch any technology anymore, so Saeyoung never has to worry about his baby brother sneaking out or tampering with the system to leave.

But, still, he has to CHECK EVERYTHING.

Twice.

God forbid his MC left the room to get water and didn't leave him something to show they would be right now before he could check his system. I think you have to help him implement a system for his fears. He knows it can be overwhelming, he knows that most of his requests or fears come across as controlling, and God knows he is trying his best to be better about this, but... for his peace of mind, it's nice to know you left a plush or an object on your bed to say, "I'm just in the other room. Don't worry."

...He can't stop thinking about the damn near week he spent in that humid, agent-infested warehouse. His paranoia got that much worse after that experience. That's the nightmare he wakes up from most of the time if it's not about his childhood. That's what sets him off to be paranoid for the rest of the night. The fear of being cornered with not a single weapon to protect himself.

God forbid it happen to you or Saeran, too.

[mors-neptune]

Does Saeran have DID?

TLDR: No, but he has a similar condition called OSDD2

Saeran's personality has been widely discussed, his duality, characteristics and behavior have quite possibly made him the most loved boy by the fandom. However, little has been detailed about his condition, leaving many questions and confusions that I would like to try to clear up in this very long post.

I hope you can sit, drink a warm coffee (or Dr Pepper if it's summer!) and enjoy this analysis, based on the most accepted psychiatric diagnosis manuals, my own knowledge and also experience.

As always, any constructive criticism or talk is welcomed :)

So.. ☆ let's get started ☆

What is DID?

Dissociative disorders are a group of conditions characterized by experiencing a disruption in the person's perception of self. It can also cause a discontinuity in the integration of consciousness, memory, perception and/or behavior.

This can translate into memory loss of important events, or daily life (dissociative amnesia). A sense of not knowing "who i am", or feeling like "i'm someone else" (disruption of identity), seeing the world as "i'm watching a movie" or "inside a dream" (depersonalization / derealization)... All those symptoms are consequences of the same basis: Dissociation.

In Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) dissociation will be experienced in two major alterations: the presence of two or more different personality states and episodes of dissociative amnesia.

Personality is a characteristic of every person, it's the set of traits and qualities that makes us who we are. In people with DID, personality fails to integrate, keeping parts of it fragmented into different identities.

These identities or alters, can be different from each other, harboring separated memories, tastes, behaviors and sensations.

And generally, there are one or more alters that have often the control of the body, we know them as "hosts".

When there's an host switch, the identity that takes control usually doesn't has access to the memories that the previous host had, causing the dissociative amnesia episodes.

Structural dissociation theory

In short words, structural dissociation theory proposes that DID, and some other dissociative-related disorders, is caused by severe trauma during early childhood, when identity isn't fully formed yet.

This theory suggests that children are not born with a unified sense of self, but it takes form from multiple experiences. And, in children overwhelmed by traumatic circumstances, many parts of identity that should have been integrated remain separated.

Complex trauma will cause the child to focus on survival instead integration, keeping their perceptions, memories and experiences dissociated as a protective mechanism.

It is implied that the severity of dissociation may be related to the complexity of the trauma and the age it was experienced.

Saeran's Story

To define if Saeran has any condition or not, and based on what we already reviewed about DID, it is important to summarize Saeran's important life events, the ones that made him who he is.

Both twins were born and raised in a context of severe abuse and trauma, making possible, based on what we discussed about structural dissociation, that Saeran may have dissociated parts of himself from an early age. However, this is not suggested ingame.

It is known that Saeran and Saeyoung lived together till their early teen years, when Saeyoung left to work at the agency, around their 15 years old. But until then, Saeran kept a structured and consistent personality, that Saeyoung described as "kind and tender".

So, with the information provided by Cheritz so far, we can safely conclude that, even if Saeran has evident risk factors to it, he didn't dissociate at early childhood, but later.

And the moment of his first dissociation is explicitly shown ingame: once kidnapped by Mint Eye, tortured by Rika and "cleansed" with the drug they call Elixir.

After prolonged torture focused on making him deny his beliefs, Saeran finally gives in to Rika's manipulation, providing her what she wanted: a different Saeran.

His first identity, differentiated from the Saeran we have met till now, is a "nameless one", who uses the same name, but at the same time behaves completely differently: Unknown, also known as Suit Saeran (but I have decided to call him AS Unknown, for reasons I will explain later)

At the same time, Ray is born as everything that "Unknown is not", merging all the characteristics, fears and feelings that Unknown is not allowed to experience, everything that is qualified as "unworthy", but also as "nice".

Both Unknown and Ray behave, act, think and feel differently. And even if they share some similarities, each has a full sense of identity, almost antagonizing each other.

They're both conscious of each other, and can share some partial inner communication. Even if the other one is fronting, or in control, the "dormant" identity will still know what's happening.

So, after being forced to dissociate, Saeran's identity is mainly split in two: Ray and Unknown, but it is not possible for them to determine who's gonna be in control. They can't switch as they please or because the situation requires one of them to be present, Ray will stay as the main host till a trigger happens: the same one that created them. The elixir.

This dynamic stays similar since the beginning of Magenta till it's fall. In AS, this happens after 6 months; in OS after 1 year and a half. (conclusion obtained considering Rika's death date as the funding date of Magenta, and its fall the time it has passed since then, suggested in both prologues)

In OS, after a more prolonged exposition to the elixir, and more time to settle in, we get to know a more mature version of Unknown, the one most people are used to see; staying as the main host.

And, depending on the route, we'll meet a third identity, one formed after therapy the power of love.

Whether by romantic or filial love, we will meet Saeran again, this time more stable and "complete", inheriting aspects from both Ray and Unknown.

In SE we'll see a more Unknown-ish Saeran, while in AS, a more Ray-ish Saeran. But in both cases, the process is the same: trying to be one again.

Is this Saeran the same Saeran he was as a child, before dissociation? Is he the result of integration? or maybe a third identity? It is not really clear, but we know that both Unknown and Ray are not completely gone, they still persist in his inner world. Which means that certain dissociative elements are still there.

By this reason, and for Cheritz's provided information, i believe that GE/SE Saeran is most likely a bridge for integration, the result of him accepting both of once split parts of himself: an still healing Saeran Choi.

This coincides with the 3 identities officially recognized by Cheritz.

Being that said, all other "versions" of Saeran met in the diverging routes and endings, would be one of those three under different scenarios.

So... let's go to the main question:

Does Saeran have DID?

Let's compare DID diagnosis criteria with what we have seen about Saeran:

A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states. B. Recurrent gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events that are inconsistent with ordinary forgetting. C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in important areas of functioning. D. The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice. E. The symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance

As we can notice, Saeran does have a disruption of identity; yet he doesn't suffer from major dissociative amnesia. He can recall what the other identity has done, even if he can't control it while it's happening. He remembers his past pretty well, and so his daily life.

His dissociation does cause disturbance in his normal life, but since his first dissociative episode was caused by the Cleansing ceremony, and is mainly triggered by the Elixir (as Unknown said himself, he needs the elixir to wake up), he does not fit in the last criteria either.

It is important to point out that, despite him suffering from severe childhood trauma, it isn't implied that he showed early dissociative symptoms, and even if dissociation can be manifested at any age, it is most likely that this was caused by Rika's torture.

With 3/5 criteria, we cannot diagnose DID, which forces us to look for a differential diagnosis.

Saeran does not have DID.

What is Saeran's disorder then?

With DID ruled out, we're still left with a wide variety of diagnoses when it comes to dissociative disorders. The WHO recognizes 10 entities within this family:

Among these conditions, there is one that fits surprisingly well to all the circumstances described in canon: Other Specified Dissociative Disorder Type 2, proposed by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5.

OSDD2 is a clinical diagnosis where the subject experience dissociative symptoms manifested as prolonged changes in their identity, that might be accompanied by a disruption on their consciousness and/or memory; as a consequence of indoctrination, torture, brainwashing, and/or being recruited into cults.

The longer the brainwashing, the longer the symptoms prevail, which may worsen this identity disruption across time.

OSDD is an entity that has less strict diagnostic criteria, which can be summarized as:

Experience dissociative symptoms

Not fully meet criteria for other diagnosis

Identity disruption is a consequence of brainwashing.

Saeran meets these three criteria, which allows us to say that he very likely has OSDD2.

Unfortunately, OSDD2 is a very understudied and underreported condition, so it is very difficult to find more information about it other than its diagnostic criteria.

Finally, as I will explore in the conclusions, it is important to keep in mind that there are details that we do not know about Saeran. Elements about his past, future and evolution, which perhaps, in case new canon content is revealed, will make us reconsider this diagnosis in favor of a different one. But for now, with the information and evidence provided in this same post, i can safely conclude that Saeran has OSDD2.

Other, yet less likely, possible diagnosis: Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder (also known as OSDD1) as the second most fit to him, since he only doesn't meet 1 criteria (it is stated it can't be caused by drugs).

Much less, yet also likely, possible diagnosis: Secondary Dissociative Syndrome, Unspecified Dissociative Disorder.

Conclusions

It is always important to keep in mind that diagnoses are a consensus made by experienced people, who find similar patterns in certain ones and associate them with a syndrome or condition. Disorders as such, describe a group of people, adapting to them, it will never be the other way around. Diagnoses don't have to fit people's situation, not perfectly at least, and that doesn't mean their circumstances are any less valid or painful.

Diagnoses are meant to adapt to people, people don't have to adapt their situations to fit into a diagnosis.

Despite everything, Saeran will always be one person. Each of his fragments forms part of him, and therefore there isn't a Saeran less valid than other, or less "real" than other.

Lastly, if Saeran does indeed have OSDD2, with time and therapy love, it's very possible for him to become a single identity again. One of the characteristics of OSDD2 is that, since the person's identity is already structured beforehand, the traumatic event generally only manages to disturb it and not fragment it (since the age where structural integration consolidates has already passed), so recovery is very possible.

However, this is not an absolute. If dissociation continues to be encouraged for some reason, it will be difficult for him to reintegrate. Hence his need to be in a healthy, supportive environment that allows him to heal.

Of course, these are mostly assumptions, since reaching an accurate and definitive conclusion would require talking, studying and working with Saeran himself, and not with the limited information we have about him.

Finally, after all this, we can summarize this analysis in:

1. Saeran doesn't have DID 2. Saeran most likely has OSDD2 3. This may change with time and circumstances he could face in the future. Since by the end of the game, he has just begun his healing process.

If you managed to read this till here, I hope you enjoyed this analysis as much as I enjoyed writing it. Any comments will be appreciated ♡

-----------------

References

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, American Psychiatric Asociation 5° edition, 2014.

ICD-11 International Classification of Diseases for Mortality and Morbidity Statistics, World Health Organization Eleventh Revision, 2022

El Yo Atormentado. La Disociación Estructural Y El Tratamiento De La Traumatización Crónica. Onno Van Der Hart, 2011.

[mors-neptune]

I’ve never thought about it this way omg :O

If the dog is a representation of Seven’s feelings, that explains why he was so defensive when the RFA members suggested giving it to MC. I never really understood why he got so worked up about even the idea of giving MC the robot dog. I mean it’s just a dog, right? But omgggg this makes so much sense tysm for sharing

Good Morning Tumblr

I haven't done an analysis post in a little bit but I have gotten into Mystic Messenger again recently, now that I finally have enough to do 707's route, I'm late, I know...

This analysis may have already been realized by people years ago BUT I DONT CARE I LOVE SEVEN AND WOULD LIKE TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS WITH THE CLASS ok ty and ofc

⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠

SPOILERS BELOW FOR 707'S ROUTE IF YOU'RE LATE LIKE ME >_0

⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠

So this is about 707's robot dog that spits fire,

This dog was made by Seven because he simply couldn't focus, this dog is brought up again in the chat below.

Seven has feelings for MC by this point, he built this robot to distract himself from these feelings, love had been foreign to him up until this point. He doesn't like it and wants to push it away. That being said however, he only doesn't like it because he CAN'T be in love. While he would LIKE to have a life where he could be in love... he can't because of his job as a hacker who deals with a lot of dangerous situations, if he fell in love it wouldn't just be him that's in jeopardy, his love would be too. Furthermore, now that he's in love with MC, he's refusing it to not have her in harm's way. Even though he refuses to talk about his feelings, straight up denying it, he still doesn't hide his feelings totally. When I say that it's pretty obvious like duh Cintax there's context clues everywhere that he likes MC I get that but what I mean is I think he QUITE LITERALLY built his feelings. Remember that robot dog? It's a cute little thing but it's angry and spitting out fire. I may be heavily reaching here from this point on but stick with me, this dog, I think, is a manifestation of Seven right now. More specifically, his feelings. The dog is supposed to be a representation of how his feelings have made him the complete opposite of how he normally acts. Seven likes cats, no, that's an understatement, he LOVES cats. But the choice to make him build a dog instead speaks more volume to me... why would a cat obsessed person... build a dog instead? I know he doesn't HATE dogs (I think) but it's still a weird choice, why would the devs make him build a dog instead of a cat? If he wants to distract himself wouldn't he want to do that by building something he LOVES? Dogs have been seen as the complete opposite of cats for years before this one, as this is apparent, Seven is acting the complete opposite of himself BECAUSE of his feelings for MC. This dog is him, the complete opposite of himself who is a cat lover, he's completely lost because of his feelings and he hates it. The dog is spitting out fire, looking furious, he hates the fact he's in love and is in such a state of confusion and denial. He's so confused why he keeps worrying about her, why he keeps thinking about her, why he wants to hear her voice.

This kind of concept, he wants to enjoy it so much but because of his job he feels he can't indulge. Cutting back to the chatroom, Yoosung says, "Don't throw away the robot..." the reason as to why Yoosung cares about the dog so much is a bit blurry but I can read this as Yoosung saying "Don't throw away your feelings..." if we lean more into the assumption that this dog is a manifestation of Seven's feelings. This puts a whole new perspective. Yoosung doesn't want Seven to turn or toss away his feelings, he wants the opposite. Previously, I don't have screenshots for this one but when this dog is first brought up, some group members talk about how Seven should give MC the dog. And going with the metaphor I'm running with, this could be seen as a metaphor of Seven giving all his feelings to MC, messy part and all, it also shows the fire with how dangerous he is, part of his true self, almost nothing like how he was before due to his hatred towards his own heart.

Don't throw away your feelings Seven, though it feels like you have to.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Idk if this is gonna be brought up later I JUST got done with day 8 as I finish writing this... help me. Who knew you needed a heart made out of netherite to survive this damn route I'M IN SHAMBLES OVER HERE. I KNEW THERE WAS MORE TO HIM BUT ???????????

Anyway, if you really read allat,, thank you, you're cool >_0

To patch the hole, here's some silly cats and until next time >_0!!

[mors-neptune]

707 / Luciel / Saeyoung Choi Headcanons I Have

‼️⚠️ SPOILERS AHEAD ⚠️‼️

• Has ADHD but if anyone brings it up he brushes it off because he thinks it makes him lesser. He’s not ableist he just needs to be educated :(

• I know in the official art he’s pretty pale but I hc him as having tanner skin and some freckles

• Has an undiagnosed personality disorder probably

• Too paranoid to go to church in person so he made a personal shrine in his home that he makes sure to spend time at

• Hates seeing his father on TV because it reminds him how similar they look. He’ll go into a weeks long depression every time where he’ll avoid mirrors because all he sees is his mother and father

• Loves cross dressing but is too scared to think deeply and self reflect about the gender euphoria it gives him because Korea isn’t very accepting

• Hated college because he felt like it was too structured and he doesn’t like being told what to do

• His favorite color is red (obviously)

• Doesn’t want or have any tattoos

• Most of the decor in his house was handmade impulsively and placed somewhere random

• Ultimately wants to move out of the bunker and into a more realistic house with no sci-fi-like doorbells or weapons but his paranoia stops him

• Sometimes stays up till the morning watching security cams in and around the bunker out of fear someone will try and hurt Saeran or MC

• Loves the dopamine hit that buying new cars gives him. It’s almost addicting impulse buying expensive things

• Desperately needs someone to match his neurodivergentness and thankfully his twin brother does perfectly

• His glasses are constantly dirty he never cleans those mfs

• Likes to paint his nails black but it’s always cracked and messed up

• Him and Saeran made up a secret language that they refuse to teach anyone else, even MC

• Welded flowers and spray painted them for him and MC’s anniversary (Saeran told him which flowers to make bc he knows their meanings)

• MC’s engagement ring is a Ruby (to represent Saeyoung) and whatever stone is MC’s favorite swirling together to look like a binary star system

• We know in his route that he has muscles because of his work, but after he runs from the agency, MC noticed some of his bulkiness going away

• But he still keeps a lot of his muscle, he just has some more squishiness around his torso

• Regrets his bunker not having windows because he knows Saeran loves looking at the sky

• Builds a garden in his backyard for Saeran :)

• Too paranoid to get a therapist so one of his more toxic traits is using MC as a therapist

• Goes through periods of not sharing anything emotionally with MC & sharing way too much and borderline dumping all his shit on them

• Has bad abandonment issues

• Loves experimenting with makeup and showing Saeran and MC

• Has both an inferiority and superiority complex

• Owns an obsessive amount of stuffed animals and yes, they all have names

• Idk if this is canon or not but he has curly hair

• I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this already but I hc him as bisexual (he literally mentioned at some point that V’s voice was his type)

• And since it’s basically canon he at least finds V attractive and V is more of a parental/guardian figure to him, I can conclude Saeyoung 100% has daddy issues (duh)

• Has had feelings for Vanderwood at some point

• Horrible at personal hygiene

• Doesn’t drink or do drugs (canon)

• He’s a compulsive liar :/

• Wants a cat but is so bad at taking care of himself he doesn’t trust himself taking care of an animal

• Has staff constellation, and planet stickers & posters all over his room (he’s a nerd)

• Learns sign language so when he’s mad at MC or Saeran he only communicates through sign to piss them off

• Wayyyyyyy too comfy invading people’s personal and cyber privacy because of his line of work

• Lactose intolerant because I think it’s funny

• Light sleeper because of the house he grew up in and his work at the agency

• Kind of apathetic to traumatic things other people go through if it wasn’t as “bad” as his. Not in a “I think I’m better than you” kind of way, but in a way where some issues just don’t compare to an abusive, alcoholic mother, a politician father who wants to kill him, being a secret agent made to do who knows what, and more.

• Catches up on childhood by indulging in childish hobbies and interests. He’s making up for the lost time :(

• His tummy always hurts from his horrible diet

• His cologne smells like apple spice (it’s actually a perfume for women but who cares)

• But tbh on the daily he smells like a mix of his basic masculine body wash, honey buddah chips, and grease (sorry)

• Very protective. Takes on a caretaker role for those closest to him

• Sometimes very controlling. Gets anxious when he can’t control everything around him.

• Acts very parental towards Saeran. He always did because he had to in their childhood, but Saeyoing still does it. It makes him feel good being able to properly provide for Saeran.

• He mentioned in his route that he never really wanted or thought about having a family other than Saeran, and I feel like he would still think the same after meeting MC. Just now he thinks of his family as just him, Saeran, and MC. I don’t think he’d want kids

• Literally never cleans his sheets…

• Can only convince himself to clean anything in his house because he doesn’t want Saeran to have to live in filth again

My first post. I just wanted to share these :)