mortalmab

[mortalmab]

I love it when the same character honorifics are basically used as a barometer for an evolving relationship over the course of a story.

"...Princess" (Derogatory)

"Princess." (You have disproven several of my previous assumptions but I'm still guarded and critical.)

"Princess," (Mildly impressed but still snarky)

"Princess," (I am coming to terms with how much your office has demanded of you and am finally considering you an equal)

"Princess," (I genuinely respect you, your office, and how much you have grown beyond it since we have met.)

"Princess." (Uh oh I've started catching feelings and am now using your title to remind both you and myself of the distance between us.)

"PRINCESS!" (You are in danger and I am now utterly devoted AND DOWN SO BAD.)

[mortalmab]

why bother caring about the environment when 1. It’s so obviously a lost cause and 2. There’s definitely going to be a nuclear war?

And what are you doing about it Anon? Learn about ecological restoration or get out of my way.

[mortalmab]

I feel like Narnia is actually much closer to Wonderland than any of us have really put much thought into.

narnia has actually way too many completely devastating concepts in it that are not explored At All

[mortalmab]

[mortalmab]

So apparently Tumblr ate my original post about this but:

A couple weeks ago I’m going to get lunch and as I open the fridge, my mother attempts to communicate to me that any chicken currently in the fridge is ok for people to eat, because the chicken that was intended for the dog to eat has been used up.

What she actually says is, “That’s human chicken.”

After taking a minute to process all horrible implications of the phrase “human chicken”, I decide to go a different route and hold the tupperware of chicken out to my sister, saying, “Behold, a man!”

This was evidently the wrong choice, as it meant I had to explain to my parents who Diogenes was, thereby cementing the incident in their minds and leading to me, just now, opening the fridge to see the following incredibly cursed image:

[mortalmab]

Dracula meets Lord Byron and dies of boredom.

upon learning that the upcoming Dracula movie is yet another Dracula/Mina romance, here is an incomplete list of things that would be more interesting in an adaptation than a Dracula/Mina romance:

A romance between Dracula and literally any other character

An origin story for the lady vampires

A feature length adaptation of the Demeter plot (yes, I know this exists already, it deserves more adaptations)

A Dracula origin story set at the Scholomance

Mina and Jonathan going into that "unknown and terrible land" together

Dracula deciding that, rather than just murdering people, he can offer sex in exchange for blood, and chooses to go to London to do this because the locals will not be receptive. He awkwardly tries to ask Jonathan about prostitution in London and Jonathan's proper gentleman sensibilities are affronted

Dracula gets committed to Seward's asylum, somehow

Dracula gets stuck in wolf form and gets adopted by one of the protagonists

Dracula and his ladies go to Van Helsing, expert on the occult that he is, to ask for help trying to conceive

The Crew of Light try to imprison Dracula rather than destroy him, theorizing that, if they can find a way to cure him, everyone he's turned will be cured

Dracula's sexy immortal vampire harem kicking him out of his own castle because they're sick of his shit

Dracula and Van Helsing as bitter exes

The solicitor who gets sent to Dracula is now Gabriel John Utterson, hoping for a nice relaxing vacation after all the Dr. Jekyll business

Sherlock Holmes, somehow

Dracula marries Mrs. Westenra

Dracula is in the Wild West and gets attacked by vampire hunting cowboys

Dracula being so creeped out by Renfield's obsession and vows of servitude that he flees to another country (to which Renfield follows him)

Oscar Wilde fucks Dracula

[mortalmab]

[mortalmab]

Okay okay I’m clean!

they dont tell you this but like half of adulthood is just washing the same FUCKING pan

[mortalmab]

the default way for things to taste is good. we know this because "tasty" means something tastes good. conversely, from the words "smelly" and "noisy" we can conclude that the default way for things to smell and sound is bad. interestingly there are no corresponding adjectives for the senses of sight and touch. the inescapable conclusion is that the most ordinary object possible is invisible and intangible, produces a hideous cacophony, smells terrible, but tastes delicious. and yet this description matches no object or phenomenon known to science or human experience. so what the fuck

[mortalmab]

Would

hey (with the intention of dancing with you around a campfire in the deep woods as we chant ancient hymns in ode to nature)

[mortalmab]

I have met the Time Librarian and she is absolutely unforgiving and the late fees are astronomically steep.

She told me if I did it again I’d be sent to the Time Archive and have to register my energy borrowing with the Time Archivist and that I didn’t want to meet the Archivist.

if you ever find yourself thinking “wow I scraped the bottom of the barrel with my energy with that and came out okay!” that’s the devil talking. you did not come out okay. you borrowed energy from the future. you will repay it if you don’t rest and replenish the borrowed energy first.

[mortalmab]

It's important to remember that Luigi Mangione is being framed for murder. The "evidence" they have on him is absolute clown shoes absurd.

They're trying to win this by swaying public opinion. That's why they're doing movie deals about it and staging ridiculous photo ops.

They're gonna try to give this kid the death penalty to cover up for their own gross incompetence and in the hopes that they scare the working class out of trying to fight back.

Please don't help them do this by using his name as a synonym for political assassinations. Please do not perpetuate the idea that he's guilty.

[mortalmab]

Happy Pride! 🖖🏻

[mortalmab]

“Star Trek: Strange New Worlds” is “How I Met Your Father” for nerds