mot-minh-toi

[mot-minh-toi]

Đọc truyện thiệt tình thấy nó hơi

thiểu năng

Nhưng bao nhiêu năm rồi tui vẫn là

một con mê lãng mạn không lối

thoát.

Đọc câu này xong tự dưng kiểu

mọi giọng nói chỉ trích, than phiền

về câu chuyện này biến mất, diễn

biến có ra sao cũng không còn

quan trọng nữa (dù vốn là cũng

chẳng quan trọng thật)

Thấy trong lòng như nỏ hoa vậy

đó.

[mot-minh-toi]

Sometimes it's weird I don't know if I am getting better or not.

People around me seems to think I am getting better. I am more relax and happy and not as depressed. But inside I feel like something is dying.

I came across this youtube video today tho. And yeah, maybe something is dying, the old me. I am changing, after 26 years. I still don't know who I am but my brain (allegedly) has fully developed. Sometimes I still feel the anger surfaces and the need to please urging me into actions, or the thoughts of what-ifs haunt my relaxing moments.

But it's getting easier to quiet them, to smile and gaslight myself into "just do it."

I don't feel good. I feel like taking 2 step forward and one step back and the road ahead of me is just so far out of reach. I am moving but at a pace that killing me.

I still think of death, but no longer fear of pain. The thought of slashing my wrist comes with less and less excuse for not doing it.

Is it good?

I am reading again tho. So I guess something good did come out of it. As for me, I am not sure. But the count down is still counting down, however unbearable.

1306 days to go, why so long...

[mot-minh-toi]

Ủa tính ra đây là lần đầu thực sự nhận ra cảm giác cô đơn là sao luôn á :)))

[mot-minh-toi]

Có lẽ sắp tới Ổi rồi.

Và sẽ tới Than.

Rồi cuối cùng là tui.

[mot-minh-toi]

I have a day off today, can't remember if I wrote anything yesterday, but I doubt I did, since it was a work day and things tend to slipped my mind on those days.

Nothing gets better, unfortunately. Well, maybe one thing, I feel less angry? I don't know, I will have to see. I am (or I think I am) doing a lot of view reframing, but I seriously doubt its success. I am somewhat aware of an anger I am trying to ignore, thinking I have been wronged. Why do I think so much about past reactions, behaviors, and situations? Why do I care so much about what people think about me? Why do I try to change, act, and fit into a mold I think would please people? When it only leaves me frustrated and hates myself more?

I like bowling, I really do, but as of now, it has become something I dread. Can I just ignore my colleagues and bowl? It's nothing on them. It's just that I find it so hard to talk and be around people. It makes me feel so weird and out of place. Even people I am close with and (over)share a lot of things I cannot be comfortable around. I look for certain reactions to feel like we are ok, I am not weird, and that things are fine. When I found none of that I feel trapped, I don't want to be their, to talk or to interact anymore, and it so fucking weird.

I wish I could just be normal and stop thinking. Stop feeling or something. Am I just exaggerating, looking for some sort of sympathy, to avoid looking at the fact that I am just lazy and full of excuses?

I haven't studied for 30 mins today, and neither so yesterday. I should.

Why am I starting to have a headache?

Should I bail this Thursday? Well, it's not exactly bailing, I am not expected to be there or expected to not be there. I want to bowl, but not there, with these people.

Again, no faults of their, just my own.

I hate myself so much. I think I am having some health issues, especially heart related. I am half wishing it will take me, half worrying about all the things I left behind if it does, like my cats, my filthy house, my disturbing art taste, etc.

Oh, and I should really help my mom with the dishes.

I did another laundry load today, yay me!

Anyway, I have done lots of escaping recently, and today, I watched Saltburn. Interesting film, beautiful shots, I constantly thinking, "Oh, that would make a lovely (phone) background" in between admiring the lead actors' beauty. I absolutely love Oliver's birthday fit, I love the scene of the summer montage in which they lay together by the pool, so quick but so nice and full of chemistry that I had to get onto AO3 to search for a fic. Unfortunately, despite the delicious ship, there're few fics and fewer that fit my tastes. Manage to find one, I think, would worth loading onto my Kobo Clara to read.

I don't have much to say about this movie. I love hearing/watching/reading stories, and this movie satisfies my need. I am a bit disappointed with myself that I spoil the movie ending in like the first 20 minutes. I think I would enjoy the twist and enjoy the movie more if only I hadn't done that. No use crying over spilled milk now. it's still a good watch. And I can't watch to watch Amanda's review now. And I think I would like to see this movie again.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm hoping real wins.

And it's enough for today.

P/s: The bathtub scene makes me gag 🤢🤮

[mot-minh-toi]

À đúng rồi nay là ngày 1405-1406 nè.

Thấy cũng không lâu lắm ha :))) chả mấy chốc.

[mot-minh-toi]

I should do home studying today, shortly after this, preferably. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do these things. At least I got the laundry out, although I have another load that needed to be done. Shouldn't wait, but I think if I dwell on that, nothing will get done.

I have another study session with my cousin today. I want to help, I really do, but I doubt if I can do it, I am not qualified, and lately, I have been more and more angry/annoyed with him, which is unfair to him and cruel on my part. He is much smarter and dedicated. It is not his fault that they require English for his job (on a higher level). I really don't want to do this anymore, I'm afraid I am just wasting my cousin's time, but I wanted to help.

I feel so tired lately.

This will be the entry for today, I doubt I have the strength to write it when the day ends. So here it is.

I was planning on watching two movies today and have three meals, but now I think I will only have one meal. I watch "Late Night with the Devil." It is not a bad movie, but maybe because I didn't grow up watching these shows, and I grew up watching the Asian horror movie, I feel this movie lacking. I have to pause several times and make an effort to keep watching. I don't find it so boring that I kept yawning, but I do find it uninteresting. It does not pique my interest except for the scenes of the summoning and that guy who contacted the dead in the beginning. This show is vague (maybe) by design, but this time, I find myself feeling cynical about all the unanswered questions.

I'm still happy with my decision to wait. It is not a hard or bad watch. It's just not what I like.

I hope I can get some studying down. I am thinking about buying another backpack, but that's not practical or smart. I want to buy a Sony's headphone 🎧 , for this I do not care about being practical or smart, it just that I don't have enough money.

I also want to buy a lamp.

P/s: Oh, I am also thinking about reading again. I am making progress.

[mot-minh-toi]

I don't really feel good these days, finding myself relapsing back into bad habits: getting angry easily, doubting myself, over analyzing past social behaviors and situations, agonizing myself over what I think I should have done or could have done better.

I still not dare or still can't make sense or make clear of my feelings, but I watched a movie today, I don't pay 100% attention but just enough to go through it. It was a good movie, win awards, and that helps greatly. I am also thinking about doing some exercise to improve my mood - which is something I usually did not think of before.

Thoughts of death still haunt me, but setting a count down the "judgment" day did help a bit in getting myself out of the over analyzing things.

I still fantasize about drastic solutions and reactions to things, but I hope that when I time comes, I will have enough courage and strength to do what I think is best and move on.

I watch "Poor Things" today.

It has a lot of sex scences, but these scences are not jarring or out of place or make me uncomfortable like other movies, in fact I feel it provides much needed contrast to Bella's other activities as well as help us audiences (me) recognize her growth in character/experience. I don't know if that's intentional, artfully done, or just me reading into things and trying to sound smart, lol. But anyways, enough about that, I guess I must have felt strange regarding these scenes (I usually don't feel this... normal about them) and ironically find myself needed to explain/express that.

The setting is also new and interesting to me. It sets up in what I deemed as the middle of the 19th century but also has some really modern machinery. The sky has a dream-esque atmosphere to it but all fit so well together. Like i took me a moment to realize how strange the animal inside the house was. Weird things are accepted, and yet still some of the modern/the current time's ideas remain. And the people in it, I can not completely demonize anyone (except maybe the general), every characters have their own nuances and even one of the antagonists - Mark Ruffalo's character (he's great in this btw) - I do not condemned him, I even sympathize in some scenes, but mostly just pity him. He is such a miserable and small-minded - pretty moron - that I cannot hate him.

For the rest of the characters, even Harry, I can find goodness within their flaws. I had thought that Max would be my favorite, no faults character, but not even the first arc of the movie had ended when I found something I disliked about him. But, after all, I find most characters lovely and all are necessary to the film - and to Bella's journey of finding herself.

The movie is intriguing to me. I find myself needing to stop very few times, and I was able to watch the movie within its run time and not drag it to days, which is refreshing for me nowadays. Even when it was just 20 minutes left, I still found myself very invested in finding out what would happen next. And what I thought i had figured out from the "crumbs" they left me turned out to be a small plot twist - at least to me.

I also want to talk about the transition - I have an attention span of (what suspect) an ADD infected brain, and I completely missed out on the charging of b&w movie to colorful collors. I think this is their way of showing that Bella's mind and view are changing and exanding. Also, Bella's behavior, speech, and demeanor change so subtly with her knowledge that it is such a smooth transition that it's lovely to watch.

At the end of the movie, I find all my questions answered, and those that aren't were not a concern to me. I thoroughly enjoyed this experience and hope "Saltburn" and "Late night with the devil will be the same." I haven't felt this way since "Moon Knight. " I am extremely happy with my decision to wait and not let my curiosity for spoilers ruin this movie for me.

[mot-minh-toi]

1413 ngày. Tự dưng nhòm vô thấy đỡ lâu hẳn.

Let see if it helps...

[mot-minh-toi]

Im so tired. How to stop.

[mot-minh-toi]

Wish I was dead.

Stop thinking or something.

[mot-minh-toi]

Mông lung như một trò đùa =))

[mot-minh-toi]

Có vẻ shop scam thật rồi 😔

[mot-minh-toi]

Hôm nay nửa vui nửa không.

Muốn ngủ hoài ghê.

[mot-minh-toi]

Tui muốn mua sách quá. Đang flashsale luôn.

Mà túi tiền không cho phép. Thiệt đau khổ 😭😭😭

[mot-minh-toi]

Hôm nay không có gì vui...

Mưa nhiều mát tho :) và mình giặt hết đồ rồi.

[mot-minh-toi]

Oh hey Naruto =))