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MĂĄste jag bo I livet som innehĂĄller bara ensamhet?
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I have no one, anybody that professes or has ever professed care for me, only does so for their own gratification, rather than the genuine intention of consoling me or more. I don't have any friends anymore, the majority of the people I live with dislike my company. My existence hinders not only myself, but others. I weigh myself down so much, this misery loves company. It got easier to deal with as time moved on, but never once did the pain ever strike softer. I watch my company blow forgotten in a whirlwind of dust, blown in a tornado of other since forgotten memories. I feel my existence drifting as I do myself, I don't know what to do. I know it will never get any better. I will remain alone, I will remain forgotten, I will remain as I am taking the place of an ankle anchor. Existing proves futile as realisations take place, yet I'm still here. I can smile easier now, I can laugh easier now, but I still dislike the life I live. I still sob myself to fatigue most nights, I still feel the hopelessness and numbness of the future. I'm just so tired of trying to fight the inevitable. Nothing can change the fact that my company is undesirable, I have nobody anymore, I just cannot function and live like the rest of the human race. I find it so difficult. Tonight I can sleep and fail to wake, yet either way, I'd be no more dead than I already am.
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Soon, I’ll be too old to have a nice social life. I’ve never had one though, I’ve never had a good social life. I’ve been incapable of it, afraid of it. Now once all the chances are next to impossible, suddenly I want it. I’m lonely, I’m afraid of these walls adjusting their width anymore, because it’s closing so tight I have no room to breathe. The windows are open but no light shines through, this building is my tomb. Torsdag är dagen att jag dö. Jag är rädd för dessa dygn att kommer, jag vet inte om jag kan göra det. Jag är så ensam
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14/03/2017 kl. 1:57pm
I often find it difficult to tell myself I have feelings, that being sad feelings, and love, I suppose. The time I tried to seek help, only concluded with me being told there is no need for it, as there’s clearly nothing wrong. This has resulted in my own denial in such feelings, but they’re there, I feel them incredibly strongly while they eat away at everything I am and how I feel.
I am lonely, that’s evident, I’m lonely now and I will always be lonely. Even if I get “friends”, I will be lonely because I’ve never been capable of adapting into social environments. I really don’t want to be lonely, but I know as soon as I have the capability of hanging out with people, I’ll freeze up at the opportunity. I am my own ankle anchor dragging myself deeper under this ocean of depressive thoughts and feelings. I have to watch people hang out with friends, go to concerts with them, all of this, knowing I could’ve been there but I can’t be. Instead my presence is embellished with that of another’s, which of course would be the better option as I am a hindrance to myself as well as others.Â
My entire life has just been full of disappointment. The best times in my life are always followed by a polar opposing feeling. I once felt like my life was planning itself out better than I could’ve ever imagined, now here I am in my bedroom, all alone with nobody around me to confide in as much as I’d like. While I lay alone, people get to do all the fun stuff with their friends, and I have no one, at all. I’d love to go to a concert with friend/s, I’d love to just chill and hang out with them, but I can’t. People say it’s easy, but it isn’t and never has been easy for me, it will never happen, my entire life consists of this.Â
Beggars can’t be choosers, but I can certainly decide on whether I want to witness this devastation or not. And the latter appeals most to me.Â
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Jag förstår varför du lämnade mig nu. Det finns så mycket ut där, jag slutade dig från uppnår något. Jag kommer aldrig att känner mig bra. Jag kommer aldrig att har vänner. Det är svårt att hitta vänner, men det är så lätt till dig. Jag kan inte gå ut med vänner, när jag har inte ens en. Jag vill sitta och har ett samtal, ett intressant samtal. Något att jag kommer aldrig att uppnå.
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Den kända repliken ursäkta blodet, men jag har skurit upp handlederna och halsen. Det var meningen att jag skulle dö i skogen så att det skulle ta några dagar innan jag eventuellt skulle upphittas. Jag hör hemma i skogen och har alltid gjort det. Anledningen till detta kommer ändå ingen fatta. För att ge någon sånär förklaring så är jag inte en människa, det här är bara en dröm och snart vaknar jag. Det var för kallt och blodet levrades hela tiden plus att den nya kniven är för slö. Om jag inte lyckas att dö av kniven så blåser jag ut skiten från skallen. Än så vet jag inte. Jag lämnade alla mina texter vid "Let the good times roll" -- plus resten av pengarna. Den som hittar dem får skiten. Som en sista hälsning får jag lov att presentera "Life Eternal". Gör vad ni vill med skiten. // Pelle
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sorry to all my BIGGEST fans outchea on tumblr my homies i’ve not been on my computer much at all so not been able to make silly posts about silly emotions from a silly person (me). my emotions have instead just been simmering and pressed under fake chores i give myself, which now makes me feel constantly drained and whatever xoxoxoxoxox
don’t forgot to hit like, lookin to hit 500,000 likes for a revealÂ
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03/03/2017 kl. 1:08pm
No matter the consolation of professing it, there lies no hate under the feelings, the reality lies under this “fact” to compensate for the lack of hate, which is just a dead feeling of anything. There’s no hate, because there’s nothing, only obligatory consolation to keep from any form of guilt if I decide living is too much. Or maybe my judgement is wrong, and there wouldn’t be any care for that either, and this is but a mere time filler in some means to let the day lose a few extra minutes. I know where those feelings lie, anything that once was, was.Â
The path has been crossed with the footprints of another embellishing the way in an attempt to wipe where I stood from existence. This is fine, I expected nothing else, my problem is only the feeling of being pushed aside so easily, thrown away for someone else. Last I checked, we were both human beings. None of us were above one another, we both reside within the same “hierarchical level”. Except I was thrown out like trash. I became a rotting banana peel, an apple core, a synthetically produced beef burger infested by maggots, leaving a rotting stench of dead flesh from hundreds of other cows, yet alongside this, is the rotting stench of freedom. This smell permeated the air and slithers up your nostrils because you threw me away. While this stench of my loneliness loiters, bothering the natural scent around, somebody else can replace this smell... and we both know who that is.
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02/03/2017 kl. 2:31pm
It’s an awful feeling to take in when you understand the eradication of your presence is the key to some form of “happiness” or “success” in another’s life. At least I understand this, which gives me no reason to want this person in my life, if my existence forges a feeling of weight lifted from their mouth muscles. What is the issue with me, however, is that I dislike knowing I spent almost 2 years with someone that only wished for me to be gone. I essentially threw my life away just to be capable of spending it with someone that only wished for me gone. It was a WASTE. I regret this time I spent, because it did nothing for me other than take my life away and push me even deeper than I already was. I don’t like knowing my existence became a hindrance in the end, for somebody that meant far too much to me, to have the feeling of mutuality dissipate in a matter of days, it irritates me.Â
I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m fucking pissed off because this person completely disregarded all of my feelings and just disappeared. They’re so fucking vague with everything too, because they enjoy watching me suffer. They didn’t tell me themselves they were going to go, because they knew questions would come unanswered. When I was at my worst, they were at their best. Whenever they felt sad, I felt shitty because of it. I hated seeing them upset, alongside knowing I was somehow the problem in issues I had no control over, and near the end, issues I had no control over as they weren’t even about me. My existence played merely as a game of fun, except they were having fun at toying around with my emotions, not having fun together.
This person has since moved on, whether emotional relationships or friend relationships, this person has since moved on. It was easy enough. I ended up meaning nothing.Â
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02/03/2017 kl. 2:12pm
When people post or write things in regard to life positivity, “the means to happiness”, “the means to walk upon a path to happiness”, whatever, that shit. Notice how it’s all just indirect methods of telling you to ignore reality for the sake of living something outside of harshness? “look past imperfections”, “look only unto the light shining bright down from the sky above”, “confide in the lord, for he shall grant your most divine wishes”, “watch the energies of the earth collapse upon crystals charged by moonlight, let those crystals charge happiness”. It’s ALL bullshit, because to witness or feel anything outside or further than contentment is a farce. Maybe this sounds silly, but I don’t believe happiness is an emotional state formed from looking at reality. I’ve felt happy before, I’ve felt the best I ever could before.. those were only in moments of ecstasy. These are temporary feelings, but any time after that is contentment.Â
The times I’ve felt happy, are because I’ve kept a tunnel vision on the one thing making me happy at the moment. I’m floating on clouds, looking down at the earth through the one gap in this vast sprawl of cloud-like ethereal beauty. Eventually this comes to an end, as it did for me. Except I am not happy nor content, I am displeased with this life I lead and at times I wish for it to halt and let me walk off. I have written this before, but I just enjoy writing it. I know nobody cares, and I know most people don’t even read what I write anyway. I do it for me, not anybody else because I enjoy writing with the sound of this thick wall of music permeating the air behind me. My voice is not heard, and it isn’t heard on here either, but this makes me happy. Why? Because I can pretend it’s heard, I can fall under the guise of my voice meaning something. That’s what happiness is, falling under a false pretense surrounding something you wish to achieve, or focusing so much on one achievable/achieved outcome, you completely lose sight of everything else in a bid to keep that beaming grin from flipping 180 degrees.Â
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For a while now, pain and alienation have been a feelings at the forefront of every aspect of my life. My days consist of a new life taking a different road from one I once sought, all of these are a road to a future on its way to nowhere. I've been dying for so long that I no longer feel sadness the way I did at the start. Sadness now manifests my way of life, my speech, my emotions. It's taken refuge and it shall never vacate. There have been days where I have succumbed to gigantic bursts of ecstacy, but under the this thing layer of laughter, is an even thicker one underlined behind it all. No matter what I do, I remain the same. What makes it worse though, is I know this pain pleases the person that once gave my life a beam of hope. Someone that took my worries for the future away, clasped my hand under their grip and ran long this path we once sought. Only this path was an uncertainty to her, yet I was carried along this beautiful path, leading to a sudden stop. With all of this excitement, I'd forgotten the way back, but as she was leading it, she remembered the way and ran back to reality without even looking back once. I've tried to get out, I've tried to free myself but no matter what path I take, they all end up in the same place. This living reality is no means of help, it never will be. I'm essentially trapped in a reality I don't enjoy. To worsen the matters, I must also dwell on the fact my life had the capability of being better, and was just thrown away due to my undesirable existence. On the way out of that path, she was capable of clinging back to those already there, I'm so lost and trapped in the thickness of this, my obly confiding is with myself, but you wouldn't confide in someone you hated? I'm unhappy in reality, but this is where it will always remain. There's no "better" future anymore. I'll spend my days rotting away under a shitty job, living a shitty life with nobody but myself. I have no friends, I was once made to feel guilty because she said she lost her friends, but they all came running back to her. I have no one. I stupidly put so much into someone I shouldn't have loved, I lost everything in the process. I dropped out of school, the only place I had friends, not many, but they wrre there, just so we could spend physical time together. I hated school, it was pointless to me, but at least I was a person, I had one or two people that actually enjoyed my company. I haven't spoken to them in ages, they have probably forgotten I ever existed and I must accept that. I dug my own grave, now here I must rest. I don't enjoy life anymore, and anything ahead just doesn't give reason to feel comfortable. My own existence is a lost cause, I suffer while the other gets to feel better than they ever did under my company. Why couldn't it have been both of us that felt good? I'm alone in everything I do, and if I can't have anything, what's the point having anything at all?
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Woke up at a normal time, about half an hour ago. It's currently 8:30 and today is gonna be long and fuckjng boring
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added my expertise in about 2 minutes of work, no clicktrack so everything is out of time and it sounds better than the original xoxoxoxoxioxioxixoixoixoiuxoixoixoxio
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I'm surrounded by transparent walls with views to the outside. I'm trapped and nobody can hear me scream, they can see me though, but even in distress I am of ni concern. After so long I should've got used to this, but it still hurts. I was pushed aside to clear a path to another. I was but a hindrance, I worked as a mere time waster. Everything my life was once worth, has lost its meaning.
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Jag saknar våra Skype samtalen för jävla mycket. Jag saknar hoppar ut säng och pratar med någon att jag trodde älskade mig tillbaka. Jag saknar spelar spelen med henne, trots att pratar tillsammans var trevlig ändå.
Jag saknar känslan av kärlek, en känsla mellan två människor, mellan du och jag. Jag önskar mig att jag kände inte denna känsla, eftersom nu du can skratta åt mig medan sorg bor i mitt håg. Jag hatar mitt liv, och det finns ingenting framför mig, bara mörker och tomhet. Jag ser bara ut som en dum, skriver alla de här inlägg om någon att vill inte mig längre, någon att bryr inte sig ens jag dö. Jag menar ingenting till dem. Det var en gång när trodde jag hon kanske älska mig tillbaka, men jag ser bara tomhet, bara någon som tappade deras känslor lättare än jag gjorde. Jag saknar för mycket och det känns hemskt. Ta mig från den här världen, jag vill inte lever på denna ställe. Jag tillbringar mina dygn ensamma, bara väntar på mitt livet att slut.
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Litet inlägg om något jag ville att säga.
Mina känslor ser sur ut ibland, och jag är ledsen för det. Jag känns inte arg, bara en känsla av tomhet och sorgligt. Jag skriver pĂĄ svenska efterom det här är det bara väg jag kan talar mitt hĂĄg. När talar jag pĂĄ engelska, jag fick inte samma känsla.Â
Jag är nästan bättre än jag trodde nu, sĂĄ det är lättare att skriva alla mina tankar. Konstigt, men jag gillar det. Ă„nda, jag forsökte säga att jag är inte arg pĂĄ dig, det är bara eftersom känna jag ensam ibland, och det komma ut dĂĄligt. Jag hatar inte dig, jag kunde hatar dig aldrig.Â
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