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[mountindis-blog]

?

i love her, I really do. with every cell in my body. till the day i die. I will continue to love M,. 

i’m just questioning things haha but what else is new? :-/ Today while we walked to the bus stop on the other end of the street, a couple blocks away. We didn’t talk. She got annoyed that I pulled her to the side because of a couple walking by us and she was in the middle of moving but I didn’t feel it. Other (small) things happened while we were in the library that annoyed her. and I get it, I want things to go my way, I have a particular way of doing things. but i just feel like if you want to be in a relationship with me you would get used to it? Like its all such small things ( to me maybe ) but I guess if it keeps on happening it can get annoying. I just don’t know. I feel like I can’t tell her everything. I feel like I can’t her the dumb things because she seems like she doesn’t care. and I know she does!!! I know it. Im reminded everyday. she says things like i stress her out and it really stresses me out bc im literally just acting myself. I have to be extra cautious. I have can;’t say the things I want to say or I find myself keeping it in sometimes because she doesnt say anything in response so it feels like she doesnt care. I get it some of the things I say is kind of out there but that shouldnt stop you if you want to get to know me better? I feel like she doesnt ask questions about me or questions to continue the conversation. I feel dumb. I sometimes think that the reason we havent broken up yet is because we like the physical aspects of the relationship. tbc..

[mountindis-blog]

aug 21,2019

hello? 

im extra emotional today. I get jealous very easily, I think im pretty boring when it comes to conversations, I dont think im funny, I dont want to rely on weed to be funny, I dont think im too attached but sometimes i do? i think ive pushed all my friends away since ive gotten into a relationship, my parents aren’t happy with the fact that im bi and how i have a girlfriend. i think theyre homophobic and a little bit racist. i think its stirred the pot with my older brother. its hurting a lot of peoples feelings. i feel sad. this summer i cried a lot; this year i cried a lot. I extra sad nowadays, i get mad anxiety when I think about how i am towards others, i dont ever think im good enough, i always think i need to be more when it comes to other people. i feel like my girlfriend is going to forget about me. shes moved out with her best friend at a really nice place in vancouver thats close to everything, i feel like since she will always have someone at home that ill get forgotten and thats wha it feels like rn. sometimes i think im overreacting but its also like its my own responsibility to keep myself occupied. im happy for her really, i just dont want to be forgotten or neglected sinces shell have someone to talk everyday about her feelings and all. i shouldnt compare myself to her friends tho its really dumb. this way of thinking is really dumb. i feel really sad rn. i dont like being this person. idk why im like this. 

i should just make plans with my friends, my friends that ive been kinda shitty too since ive gotten into a relationship. im trying to fix things . im trying but sometimes its hard and you dont want to explain. you dont want to explain and u shouldnt have to explain

i just want to call her

sometimes i think that i wouldnt make it through a long distance relationship if im like this. i cant get sad after not seeing her for a couple of days.

i want to close my eyes and have all my worries disappear. i want to be more confident. 

ok my tears are dried out. im still sad but i should goto bed

i have work tomorrow 

[mountindis-blog]

ok ok ok to make myself feel better i literally just creeped the fuck out of everyone which now makes me feel pathetic and sad bc im self confidence went to an all time low..... i need to stop omg i hate myself i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i’m just embarrassing myself at this point eugh i dont like this about myself 

[mountindis-blog]

aug 22, 2018 11:24pm

you seem extra lonely tonight. i dont know why. i wonder if other people feel this lonely? I wonder if he’s thinking about me? i dont know why but not seeing his presence anywhere makes me wonder. or just makes me think what he’s up too? why do I care so much? why cant i get over him? its not even out of frustration anymore, just curiosity. I wonder how he is doing. are you alright? how’s moving? are you nervous? are you excited? you seem happy, im jealous. I want a big change in my life too. one that will come with a bunch of new, different, wild experiences. one where I might find love and might get over you. I want to be over you. I want to be more busy and not think about this anymore. I want to talk. thats really all. I hope you know how unfair this is for me. I hope that you experiences this one day and see how hard it is to get over someone. i dont even have anything to say anymore except for just please let me get over this whole mess that has been taking over me please please please 

[mountindis-blog]

seeing other people in love makes you want to be in love, especially in the summer.

[mountindis-blog]

june 6

i like to come here and see myself grow. you were right about april 6. things ended between me and him and i think we both saw it coming. im sad it happened. you said you wanted clarification and you didn’t really get it. and to this day it still bothers you. its been 2 months. I just want to move on. I am moving on but i find myself looking back at all the memories we shared. they weren’t much but they were something. something that was different to me, something that was new, something that i wasn’t used too. maybe thats why its still hanging on? because it seemed like something but ended too quickly? I find myself wanting to still show him stuff like good movies to watch. I find myself wanting to learn more about him. but it was hard. its hard wanting something and the feelings aren’t mutual. it hurts to see it happen. I just need to tell myself that I was trying so hard to keep things going, even though i knew that i deserved more. ik that it was hard to keep conversations going bc he wasn't as interested in it? i guess i just cant accept the fact that I was more interested in him that he was in me. i just want to talk to him. I just want for us to have a conversation about it all. I want to say sorry and say thank you. i just need to get it all out of my system. i wish that one night i find him at a club, smoking outside and i could make a joke of it all. its not going to happen. he’s not like that. he’s not that kind of guy. he’s a good person. who deserves nothing but good things. i wish you all the best C, thanks for all of it. 

but also fuck you for being so dumb and not knowing how to express your feelings. it makes things so much harder to understand ugh  

[mountindis-blog]

april 6

there’s this boy. a boy you liked, a boy who made you laughed, a boy who you looked forward to seeing. and now he’s just a boy. a boy that doesn’t surprise you much. you keep comparing him to others which you know not too because that just ruins things. it was different then. it is different now. i dont know what to feel. i dont know how to feel. i dont know my own feelings. its nice to have someone but also not nice to have to depend on someone. i dont want to make it into a big deal because its not but i think i just need clarification. its hard not to compare yourself to someone who was in a three year relationship. its hard not to ask questions. its hard not knowing what you are to that person. i dont want it to take up space in my brain. i dont like it when dumb things like boys take up space. this isnt a thing. or if it is its small. his friends probably think that he downgraded which agree with. idk when comparing yourself to that, being the complete total opposite, its hard. i think and i know you want more out of it and you know youre not going to get it from this person. i feel bad for saying it but its what would be best for me. i like him, he’s great, theres nothing bad about him; its all in my head. just dont think about it too hard and clear the air and go on from there. knowing more though i feel like would change with how i act. there’s no sparks flying when we kiss and its sad and i dont like it :( it makes me sad because it was something i liked to do. i don't like myself. i wish something happened to make this easier for me to get through. its a lot of internal conflicts i have to deal with and I think its just better if i do me. and let everyone else work around you. 

sorry i haven't talked to you in a while, i genuinely am. Ill update more soon. 

[mountindis-blog]

almost 2018

hello, i know i haven’t been here in a while but it’s because i have been busy. 

school, work, and life in general kind of just took over me and i never thought twice about documenting any of it since i did not think any of it was worth documenting. 

its almost 2018

its almost a new year, a chance for new opportunities, new feelings, new mistakes, new new new.

2017 was honestly the best year of your life. i know that’s a crazy thing to say but i positive that nothing horrible happened to you.. maybe im speaking too soon.. no but seriously, nothing bad happened except for small things here and there but not big enough to take up space in your mind 

January was bliss because you were in love

February was confusion because you had feelings you never felt before

March was nice because it felt like a new start 

April felt like you had to chance to really focus on yourself (but to be honest i think you just worked a lot) i think this was when you joined EYA?

May was warm, it was summer at an early start 

June you were hot and worked loads saving up for the PH

July was the month you went to the Philippines! so many things to see, so many things to learn, so many things you to do. you did it all and took so much in, that resonates with you and made you the person you are. you’ve connected all the pieces together and things start to make sense. you gained a better understanding of the people around you, the place where you came from and yourself; specially. 

August mainly worked, tried to loose the wait you gained from the PH, and lots adventures!

September was back to school yikes :$ you enjoyed it though. you soaked it all in like a sponge and felt like thriving with knowledge 

October was stress and coffee driven

November was stress and coffee driven and wet, very wet 

December - now stress but also nice that its the break. you have laughed loads. also i think that this was a great christmas (present wise) because you got all the things you wanted. you had more freedom

this year was amazing. my relationship with my parents grew, my knowledge about the world grew, ive made new friends and drifted apart from old ones and im ok with it, i learned an instrument, i was apart of an art show and really called myself an artist for the first time, ive also had my lowest points this year with bad decisions ive made (this part still confuses me.. i dont really like how it made me feel with certain expectations for things anymore because of two dumb experiences), this year ive never been more proud of beig a filipino, i dont think ive ever been more passionate about my home, i dont ever think ive ever called it my home, i really cant imagine what the new year has in store. im ready to glow the fuck up and come in fresh with an open mind of what it has in store. 

dont think too much about the future and focus on whats going on in the present. 

do things for YOU, do the thing YOU want to do, dont sell YOURSELF short, this year is all about you and making you feel at your peak 

[mountindis-blog]

sept 17/18, 2017

the day i turned 19

i cried two times because of overwhelmingness and distress

my body doesn’t like it when things don’t go my way

there’s some things i can control but not my emotions. 

i can’t control my emotions. i can’t make myself happy

if i had time to reflect on all the good things then maybe but in that moment i just didn’t have time.

it was a horrible day. it rained, i rained. it was grey, i was grey

i have nice friends but sometimes i think i don't deserve them

i went home alone, unhappy, but glad it was done. i took care of myself. i watched a movie, washed my face, went for a drive and just did nothing. today i woke up to clouds but with strokes of blue breaking through. i stare out my window and witness marshmallow clouds in the distance. 

throughout the day i received kind messages from my friends. i really appreciate that they took time out of their day to think about me because i often do that with them. i have friends that have exceeded my expectations of our friendships and i think thats when you know they care. 

i love every single one of them.

i can say i love you on paper and online but i can never find myself to say it in person. even at the moments when it’s needed most. 

people saying it to me really helps but i still feel weird about it but i really don’t want to. 

i think its because i just don’t want to say it to someone who doesn’t want to receive it. i say it more like a joke 

its a new day and im 19 

happy belated w, you deserve all the world even when you don’t think so. i want you to love more than you could ever handle this year. I want you to really show your friends you care no matter what it takes. show your love and maybe you’ll receive it back.

[mountindis-blog]

Heartache can allow progress

[mountindis-blog]

sunday, august 27, 2017

sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that that im made of the same exact particles as stars and that makes me feel invincible. 

[mountindis-blog]

theres about a week in my gap year left and im not sure if im ready to say good bye :’(

i just quit my job at blenz, im taking an LET exam soon for my english, ive gained the weight i lost, i just did an art show, this summer has been absolutely amazing. theres too many things. not enough time to reflect

[mountindis-blog]

im willing to take chances this time though. im not afraid. sometimes you have to take risk and its worth the weirdness/ awkwardness 

[mountindis-blog]

i just miss the feeing of love or the feeling of being loved 

[mountindis-blog]

i like the feeling of having a crush but sometimes its exhausting. its a lot of time waisted on a person you barely know. im not even sure if he likes me or not. 

[mountindis-blog]

sun june 29 1:27 pm

im lonely but i think its just tonight.

i have a crush on this boy on my street. i dont know much about him except for that he has a really nice smile. 

i think we would get along really well. he seems like a type of person i would hangout with. 

i think im just lonely.

i really want to see him and just have a casual conversation 

idk

i think im just lonely 

[mountindis-blog]

july7/2017 11:32pm

immigration.

you leave all the things you are familiar to, you leave your friends, your school, your secrets spots, your neighbours, your family; your home. A lot of people leave their home for better futures. With more than half of the population in the Philippines, one member of the family leaves their family to go overseas and work. Mainly as nannies for kids in white privileged families to provide for their own kids back home. Having gone through the experience myself at a young age was weird. I was only 6 when I was woken up before the sun came up, even before the roosters crow. I didn’t know what I was preparing myself for but I knew it was urgent. I didn’t know those were going to be last time I saw my grandma till 4 years later. I didn’t know that those were going to be my last goodbyes to some. I remember being really sad seeing my grandma in the other side of the divider with all the others waving their farewells. I was sad because she was crying. When she cries her fake eye waters a bit making her wipe it in an awkward angle. I cried too. My brothers tried to calm me down but I couldn’t help it. She packed me an extra handkerchief for when i get hot or maybe she knew I was going to cry. 

to be continued