mountweazelorwellandgoode-blog

[mountweazelorwellandgoode-blog]

Unicorn Goes into a Pub

UNICORN:                Evening squire. Pint of Heineken.

LANDLORD:            What the..? You can’t come in here!

UNICORN:                 C’mon squire, no grief, eh? Just a pint please.

LANDLORD:             But - but you’re a horse!

UNICORN:                 Ah, just a minute mate, have a squizz again. 

F/X:                                         A UNICORN HORN  BANGING ON THE BARTOP

LANDLORD:             A horse with a cornetto on it’s heed!

UNICORN:                 Well, that, and I’m talkin’ n’all. Now, a pint of Heiney and a bag of prawn cocktail.

LANDLORD:             A h-- I don’t know if i can serve  a horse -

UNICORN:                 Oi, pal, not an ‘orse, big horn, two words,    Un-----i---corn

LANDLORD:            Unicorn is one word.

UNICORN:                Who the feck are you to tell me, an actual unicorn, how many words is in my bloomin’ monicker you lard bellied lout! I’m from the realm of Faerie, servant of the Queen Mabe, Goddess of summer and the steed of the Knight of Gamalion, bearer of the Sword Sinister. Now get me a pint sharpish or I’ll shove this where the sun don’t shine if you get my point.  Many do!

LANDLORD:                 Sorry  ah...sir?

UNICORN:                     Well, unicorns are hermaphrodites, but lets go with that.

F/X:                PINT GLASS PLACED ON BARTOP. ELECTRONIC TILL BEEPS

LANDLORD:                 That’ll be ...2.20?

UNICORN:                     Hmm, right. Ah, listen, I seem to have, erm, left my wallet in the Nevernever… 

LANDLORD:                 Oh, no money, eh?

UNICORN:                     No pockets.  S’aright, I’m good for it. Unicorns never lie. I just need to pop home for a tic. Have you got a wardrobe?

LANDLORD:                 In the back, aye.

UNICORN:                     Right could you just get the wardrobe…

LANDLORD:                 What, and you’ll disappear into the back of it?

UNICORN:                     Yup. Just a soon as you stand it up against the wall at platform 3 and 3 quarters at King’s Cross station.

LANDLORD:                You what?

UNICORN                           And chant me name three times backwards.

LANDLORD    :                 Nrocinu nrocin nrocinu? 

UNICORN:                    ‘Ats the one. Right, get that wardrobe and lets be off - I’ll just have that quick swig first -

LANDLORD                    Oi!  That’s not paid for!

UNICORN:                     Mate, I’m a talking mythological creature divulging secret entrances and codes that open portals to  magical realms beyond time and space! An’ you’re worried about 2 quid? (crescendo) 

L: Ok Well...is there no other way? The wardrobe’s a bit heavy.

U: (calming down) Well...we fairie kind can travel through mirrors  between worlds. You got a mirror?

L: (threatened) Behind the bar, here!

U: (panting) Right, here we go

F/X:     GALLOPING, A UNICORN YELL, HUGE SMASH, CRIES OF PAIN

UNICORN:         Ah. No. seems I - seems I can’t do that. Right, I’ll just finish that pint and  be off -

L: 2 pound 20 ya bas!

U: Right tell you what - how about - (conspiratorially) do you want to know where talking unicorns come from?

L: Aye?

U: Narnia business! Ha ha! Get it? Want to know where my  missus is tonight? Oh, I centaur to the shops to get me tea!! Oh, stop it!  Another pint? Would I mind? No, I wouldn’t min-a-taur!Ha ha!  C’mon that’s gotta be worth a half!

L: 2 pound 20 or you’re goin in the lasange, pal.

U: Want a shag a mermaid?

L: How does that even work?

U: Gis a pint  and I’ll show ya. ​