mourningplace

[mourningplace]

1/15

Brad Wolfe wants to lay with her

[mourningplace]

Deactivation strategies:

- music, gravitates towards anger and severance

- disappearing

- sleeping on the couch

- attitude, explosiveness, argumentative, obstinate

- lack of conversation

- physical. Forget about it.

[mourningplace]

I know you hate me, I love you to death

I'm saving my breath

I told myself that I wouldn't obsess

I guess I'll confess

[mourningplace]

What Id tell the next man:

At first she’ll be really into you. She’ll make you feel important. She’ll do things for you and with you. The sex will be incredible. She’ll make out with you in the kitchen. She’ll love you so hard.

And then she’ll change.

She’ll start going out more, leaving town. Posting slutty pictures and never once posting you again. She’ll be cold and distant, through text, phone, and in person. The sex stops altogether. She can’t handle being loved, so she won’t let you. This will continue until you can’t take it anymore.

The only way you’re safe is if you notice nothing, do nothing, and have absolutely no emotion. At all.

[mourningplace]

In the beginning:

- You told me the music I sent you was good.

- You told me “you’re so easy for others to be with”

- You told me you loved me often

- Sex was great.

- texting was fun and emotional

- You didn’t mind being around me

Now:

- I have a “unique taste in music”

- You degrade and devalue me as often as you can. So much for easy.

- You’ll go days without telling me you love me

- You’ve depended on me for almost 7 months but I do too much for you

- there is no sex, and when there is it’s rushed and you’re just bored

- you get away every chance you can

- you don’t want to text me, and if you do it’s cold and reserved

[mourningplace]

10/9

Went off on me for not taking better care of Luna. Also for always looking sad. Also for not doing enough to make more money. Said if I didn’t get my shit together she would leave. Probably a projection but this is so much fun nonetheless.

[mourningplace]

10/8

Had empty sex last night

Today she “wanted to go for a drive.” Took my truck, turned off location, left.

And she is hiding her story again.

[mourningplace]

10/3

Today I found she was hiding her story from me. Called about it and all of a sudden it was visible to me.

She makes me want to throw up.

[mourningplace]

I just have this gaping fucking hole in my heart that bleeds profusely at random.

[mourningplace]

My heart has broken hundreds of times already. Every day we add new nicks and cuts to it. I want it gone. I don’t want to feel anymore.

[mourningplace]

Still lying to me about him

[mourningplace]

Accept her as she is. That’s the key. Learn that the problem is not you, and reparent yourself.

[mourningplace]

I wanna go home

[mourningplace]

I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to seeing her give all the affection and words of endearment and love and commitment that I wish for, to her dog.

[mourningplace]

Told her I felt like her last priority. Told her I don’t feel valued. And all she did was shit all over it.

My emotions are too intense.

She wants to do what she wants to do.

Etc etc

[mourningplace]

FUCK, THIS HURTS.

FUCK, THIS HURTS.

FUCK, THIS HURTS.

FUCK, THIS HURTS.

FUCK, THIS HURTS.

FUCK, THIS HURTS.

FUCK, THIS HURTS.

[mourningplace]

9/19

We are back to where we were in June. The same distance and bitterness. We aren’t scratching anything. She wants no help. Wants to go to bed at 10pm.

Mother fuck.