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[mousypresence]

i never want to see you again . / annalise

The words might be new, in their choice, in the sharpness of their edges, in their delivery which, in spite of the warmth dripping from her voice, feels like a quick and cold slap, but the sentiment isn’t. Perhaps it never has been. Guilt is at the root of it. Always was. Always will be, Bonnie figured that out ages ago. Guilt begat resentment, anger, some sort of grudge never entirely misplaced but still unfairly allocated. “You don’t mean that.” Her own voice wills itself to rise above a broken whisper that she knows will garner nothing but more ire, more contempt, maybe even more disgust. Annalise needn’t say it: it’s all over her face, a flash in her eyes, a certain tightness around her mouth.

Bonnie wraps her arms around her upper body with a shake of her head, a slant of her gaze seeking something, a spot in the office - any will do. Right now what she wants to do, needs to do, is to push it all down. All of it. All the way down in the same place where she’s always crammed those sort of things. Her own face must remain composed, or at the very least not put on display the amount of emotions yanked and pulled to the fore by Annalise’s words of dismissal. No. Of rejection. “How long?” She turns her head, focuses her gaze on Annalise again. “How long have you been waiting to say that to me?” Her shoulders lift, her lips droop in a rictus. It helps. Anger, budding as it is, helps. It’s a piece of driftwood in the flood. She clings to it. “It must feel good.”

[mousypresence]

Why’d you come back? Really? And don’t you dare say it was for us. Why not?

[mousypresence]

Safety isn’t something Bonnie associates with home. Growing up, her home was a place of suffering: her father molested her and taped her while her mother let it all happen. That place wasn’t safe. Nowhere was safe but especially not the one place that is usually associated with a sense of safety and solace. As an adult, home meant the Keatings’ house and home but it also meant people. Annalise (and unfortunately Sam, however briefly and fucked-upely - yes that’s a word) was home because she felt safe. The place felt safe, too. It provided her with something she’d never known until then. She had her own place but it wasn’t a home, only a house she lived in. What Annalise gave her was something she never thought she’d get to experience and enjoy - or even deserve. 

After the house burnt down, her own house became a home because it replaced Annalise’s. It was a place where the people she cared for and trusted rallied. It also got her to look after others in small albeit meaningful ways: her kitchen and cupboards were always full of food and snacks, her living-room was always clean and cosy, her kitchen was at the disposition of anyone who wanted to work or relax and her guest bedrooms ready with freshly made should anyone need to crash there. All of this made her feel at home in her own house for the first time in her life.

Safety is intrinsically tied to two people: Annalise and Frank. But it’s Annalise who first made her feel safe and Annalise who first made her feel like home.

[mousypresence]

It’s easier to smile when Laurel not so much deflects but circumnavigates her affirmation. It’s easier to nod and to agree. Easier to feel closer, too. Something akin to warmth but better. More whole. As if Christopher, so small and delicate, so utterly helpless and entirely dependent on them, is changing things, altering a reality. He softens it, Bonnie realises when her hand reaches out to stroke his, soft and tender and already responding to her own by grabbing her fingers. She smiles again. Wider. Everything about him is soft. And simple. And easy. 

“Don’t.” With a shake of her head, she glances at Laurel. “You can stay as long as you want.” Or need. That she doesn’t say. It isn’t out of consideration for some sort of pride she knows Laurel doesn’t possess - not like that anyway. In spite of the ease with which they’ve settled into their new living arrangements, Bonnie is aware that it is fragile. To take it for granted would be not only foolish or even selfish but willfully naive, too, and as though the past months - years - taught her nothing. So much can change, so much has changed, been destroyed, obliterated, lost, in a matter of seconds. “I like having you here.” Another glance is spared in Laurel’s direction while her fingers are gently swaying, moving Christopher’s hand to keep herself, more so than him, occupied. 

“It suits you.” Her smile hasn’t faltered. It’s turned pensive, appreciative, as it lingers. She looks at Laurel. “Motherhood.”

#PRESENTING:　 JACKSON.

˓ You can't talk me out of this. ˒ 　 @mousypresence

watery eyes,  a growing smile.  they've all done so much,  come so far from who they were before any of this had ever begun.  but she knows she's said and done too much to not feel a pang of something for how generous the other woman was being.  it felt undeserving,  but after the entire battle to get her son back, she wasn't going to subject him to anymore uprooting. 

“ if it wasn't for him i would. ”　a chest so full when she turns her head to look down at him then, watching his wandering eyes in adoration. who knew laurel could love another being as small as her own? he needed her, and she can't comprehend how her own parents had once looked down at her and expected so much of her.　“ are you sure you're okay with us being here? he can get pretty grouchy,  ¿no es así, mi pequeño querubín? [isn't that right, my little cherub?] ”　squeezing smaller feet that kick against her palms,  she coos, scrunching her face as she leans down to kiss the top of his head.

she misses the apartment — wes. it was familiar, comforting. being gone from there felt bittersweet, as though she was finally letting wes go. his belongings and the smell of him still lingering through the air of a place she should've left with his hand in her own. it wasn't a place for a baby, christopher needed more room than a shoebox.　“ i promise we won't be here long. ”

[mousypresence]

↪     ᵗʰᵉ 𝑫𝑼𝑺𝑻𝒀 𝑻𝑶𝒀𝑩𝑶𝑿 .    (  a  collection  of  various unsorted sentence starters .  adjust  phrasing  as  necessary .   no longer updating .  )

why are you here ?

drive .  drive fast .

i think we should make an informed decision .

are you coming or not ?

you’ve been avoiding me .

[ name ] ,  what were you thinking ?

this should be your priority .

let me hold you for a minute .

get out of my way .  i won’t tell you again .

that wasn’t supposed to happen .

can you keep a secret ?

i don’t know what i did to deserve you .

you seriously think i could’ve done something like that ?

you’re safe with me .

sorry isn’t good enough .

where is all this coming from ?

who told you about that ?

sorry i’m late ,  i got caught up .

you’re being paranoid .

why are you looking at me like that ?

you’re the single most important thing to me .

all i’m asking is that you hear me out .

whatever they told you ,  it’s a lie .

we shouldn’t stick around here .

hold my hand ,  i don’t want to lose track of you .

[ name ]  …  truth or dare ?

i love you .  nothing’s gonna change that .

can you tell me what happened ?

you can’t come around here anymore .

back off ,  okay ?

what ,  you don’t have time for me anymore ?

you’re asking for too much .

i’m trying to start a new life .

what do you mean ,  you aren’t coming back ?

sometimes i think you must hate me .

why can’t we just talk about this ?

i know i fucked up ,  you can stop rubbing it in .

you’ve got quite a reputation .

i’m not usually like this ,  i’m sorry .

please ,  just let me explain myself .

i love watching you work .

we’re on the same team .

did you ever tell anyone ?

you’ve got a lot of explaining to do .

really funny ,  you’re very mature .

you call THAT a PLAN ?

can we get out of here ?

i thought things would be different .

this is not up for debate !

do whatever you have to do .

karma’s going to get you for that .

it could’ve been a lot worse .

i asked you to leave me out of this .

maybe it’s time to take a leap of faith .

i never want to see you again .

can you see how many fingers i’m holding up ?

i’m gonna be there when you get what’s coming to you .

you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me .

i’ve been waiting all night for this .

i told you not to contact me .

sometimes i really think you have a death wish .

what do you need ?  —  what can i do ?

i would do literally anything to keep you safe .

that was supposed to be a secret .

you haven’t called me that in years .

stop telling me to calm down !

we make a pretty good team .

i have so much i want to say to you .

i’m not going to let anyone hurt you .

can we please not do this right now ? 

wait ,  wait  …  just breathe for a second .

how are you holding up ?

why don’t you stay the night ?  i’ll take the couch .

i don’t need your protection !

you’re not making this easier on yourself .

are you going to let me in ?

i’m supposed to be protecting you .

i will kill you if i have to .

do whatever you have to do .

this is going to hurt ,  i’m sorry .

what happened to you ,  where have you been ?!

there was nothing you could’ve done .

you’re all i need right now .

i don’t believe in love at first sight .

have you been following me ?

i need you to believe me .

what do you remember ?

i’m not a good person .

what the hell’s going on with you ?

you’re being followed .

just when i thought my day couldn’t be any worse .

i’ve been having weird dreams .

so you’ve been lying to me this whole time ?

are you trying to get us killed ?

this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me .

i never asked for your help .

you’re being followed ,  pretend you know me .

why has it started to feel different with you ?

don’t worry ,  i have a plan .

i heard everything .

do you need to sit down ?

i have the right to know what’s going on .

i’ve just gotta catch my breath .

stay out of my business .

what did you think was going to happen ?!

don’t cause a scene .

tell me something about you that i don’t know .

can i buy you a drink ?

what if  …  we played spin the bottle ?

this was never a problem until  [ name ]  came around .

you can’t ask me to make that choice .

are you seeing anyone right now ?

i need you to listen to me ,  we don’t have long .

you’re lying ,  that doesn’t make any sense .

you look  …  stunning .

what are you trying to prove ?

who died and made you the boss of me ?

you can’t just show up here like this .

let me make it up to you .

there’s no way i’m leaving you like this .

can we stay like this ?  just for a little longer .

i don’t need you to fight for me .

so  …  you lied to me ?

you’re the only one that can help me .

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

i never introduced myself ,  i’m [ name ] .

i expected more from you .

you have no idea who i am ,  do you ?

are you real ?  is this real ?

can i stay with you ?  just for the night .

you’re going to get yourself killed .

why did you help me ?

tell me what i can do to help .

pick a card ,  any card .

i never wanted any of this .

i love you .   you don’t have to say it back .

do you wanna get out of here ?

what the hell are you talking about ?

i should have trusted you .

get your head out of the clouds .

how is any of this MY fault ?!

what aren’t you telling me ?

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

it’s never just one with you ,  is it ?

you’re not supposed to know about that .

shut your mouth .

i haven’t kissed you yet ,  today .

where is this coming from ?

come over here and make me ,  then .

keep lying to yourself ,  see where it gets you .

i’m not a bad person .

is that what you wanted to hear ?

we can’t be seen together .

i can’t give you what you want .

i need you to leave .

are you drunk ?

i’m here ,  i’m here .  i’m not going anywhere .

you might want to take a seat for this .

have you been listening to anything i’ve said ?

i haven’t heard from you in weeks .

you’re jealous ,  aren’t you ?

who do you think you’re talking to ?

what are you reading ?

you could’ve killed me !

come on ,  we don’t have time for this .

i just need ten minutes of silence .

really ?  that’s all you have to say ?

we could leave ,  you know .  go far away .

you don’t look too good .

i never want to see you again .

why can’t you just leave me alone ?

i thought you died .

you’ll do anything for attention .

give me another chance .

how’s the weather up there ?

all you do is hurt people !

i’m sorry ,  none of this makes sense .

you need to get out of here before anyone sees you .

i told you i didn’t want you around here .

is that supposed to be a threat ?

you’ve changed .

don’t look at me like that .

it’s a beautiful day ,  don’t you think ?

i did what i had to do .

you never know when to stop .

i’ve got to get home ,  it’s getting late .

i have nothing to prove to you .

stop LYING to me  …  all you do is lie .

you don’t have to be nice to everybody .

don’t tell me what to do .

pull your head out of the past .

nobody can help me .  i can’t even help me .

we are not talking about that right now .

are you new around here ?

you have no idea what you’re starting .

i’m gonna get us out of here .

whatever you came here to say ,  i don’t want to hear it .

everyone’s staring at us .

is there anything i can do to help ?

i won’t cause you any more trouble .

– just follow my instructions for once !

do you want to come in ?

i just didn’t know what to do .

you need rest ,  lie down .

i’m not who you think i am .

i don’t know what you want me to say .

you’re not like anyone else i’ve ever met .

i feel like i’m going insane .

stop asking ,  you’re not going to like my answer .

i didn’t want you to see me any differently .

i wish i knew what to say to you .

don’t give me that look ,  you know what i mean .

you should be afraid .

do you still love me ?

i never thought i’d get this far .

the world doesn’t revolve around you .

i need you to give me some space .

i know what you’re doing ,  don’t play games .

you left me to die .

i’m beyond repentance .

when are you going to get it through your head ?

i missed you more than i thought i would .

i’m in love with you .

what do you need from me ?

i’ll kill them ,   just say the word .

[ name ] ,   what are you doing here ?

how can i help ?

you’re pathetic .

i need you to come pick me up .

where have you been ?  it’s eleven o’clock .

i couldn’t live with myself if i let you get hurt .

i can’t just pretend it didn’t happen .

you’re a real piece of work .

do you remember how we first met ?

when did all of this fall apart ?

that’s not what i came here for .

i would do anything for you .

i don’t need you to hold my hand through this .

are you sure this is the right thing to do ?

can’t we try to pretend things are okay ?

what is THAT supposed to mean ?

you’re always late ,  what am i supposed to think ?

there’s nothing you can do to fix this .

you’re far too kind to me .

can we go now ?  like ,  right now ?

i have to do this alone .

where’s your common sense ?

we aren’t supposed to be in here .

can you feel my heartbeat ?

i think i’ve seen you around before .

why are you acting weird ?

i have a really bad feeling .

i hate seeing you like this .

how am i supposed to react to that ?

what do you want most in the world ?

[mousypresence]

[mousypresence]

It is the first step to moving on. Admitting that, even with all her flaws, you still love her. Do you think you can say that? I don’t know if I’ll mean it. Say it, see how it feels. I love her. Try it again, come on. I love her. Keep going. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her…

[mousypresence]

an independent and private roleplay for Bonnie Winterbottom written by Juniper

carrd ┊affiliated with @sourfilm