mrmot-world - Tumblr blog

[mrmot-world]

“I’m not interested in the romanticized version of people, but what they actually are. Not because that’s all dark, but because it’s a lot of things. It’s generous and empathetic, and it’s also vile and crass. We’re all these conflicting things melted into one. I feel like a student of human nature. I like to explore what it actually is, because that’s more interesting than rainbows and butterflies. People are weird! There’s nothing as weird as a person.” - Annie Clark, St. Vincent (via themindmovement)

via @themindmovement

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I’m still shook

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via weheartit

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If I’m telling you how I feel and you make it seem like we arguing, I ain’t telling you how I feel no mo

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Was nice being with you and knowing you, be well

The bad

So, a lot of things happened during 2017 however when writting things I first focus on the bad, than on the ulgy and finally on the good. It doesn't make much sense when you read it and I didn't like it the first time my therapist suggested it to me. The reason why it works for me is because after dealing with shit I'm left with the awesome stuff.

Let's just get into it, I've lost a lot of friends at the begininng of 2017 and it felt terrible but only briefly, later on it just puzzled me and even sometimes bothered me. I didn't give it much thought because while those people where the ones I spent my childhood with, played in a band with, spent some of the craziest times of my life with, they were not my best friends.

Another thing that happened that I disliked was that I thought I needed to move to Novi Sad for my parents well-being. Only recently, up to which more and more issues surfaced, I accepted the reality of things- I'm not supposed to change my life and make big decisions based on what they need but based on what I need. Additionally, I never liked my small room, never felt at home in it, just used it to escape what ever bullshit laid beyond my doors. When I moved back was when I thought I realized how friendless I was and how people were truy only focused on the benefits they have from one another. I thought all of this only made me sad however I was also getting frustrated which I didn't realize even thought my partner at the time pointed it plenty.

The above is insignificant compared to its follow up. I lost two people I cared about a lot. One was long time friend of my family with whom I loved spending my time with and talking. He was a wise man who was more than happy to exchange opinions and words and offer support. He was kindhearted and always did everything he could to make his family and friends feel loved. I had to watch him struggle in agony for breath and eventually die. When I realized what was happening I first focused on organizing the ongoing traffic and signal the ambulance van that was rushing to his aid. After that, I instinctively buried my thoughts and feelings and they remained such until I started talking with my therapist and the emotion train just ran me the fuck over.

The second hardest thing I did was to lose a very close friend.. We've used to talk all the time, saw eachother hours on end and thought of things we could do together. Shit was confusingly awesome, I've met hundrets of people but this was my first time that I liked someone so much and so early on.

This made me scared as hell and combined with the frustration I didn't know I was feeling or how to deal with it made my insecurities and paranoia resurface and because of it I made a terrible mistake. I wanted to tell this person how much I appreciated, loved and admired them and that I never experienced something like this and that I doubt I deserved this. It came of as if I saw all of what we had as my punishment which lead to her decision to withdraw and close off. Unfortunately, she kept this decision from me for months and I watched the intimacy and all the cute things such as "I miss you", "Sleep tight yo", "Let me know when you get back home"(this usually doesn't mean much to me however these were two hour car trips so yeah), "how was your day", "whachu up to?" to wither away. Slowly it grew into her not paying attention to the things I was telling her, to her not being interested in me or my life, to not texting me and to when I texted her either ignoring my text for a long time or replying with basically a "yes", "no", "ok", "it's complicated", "we will see". After two months of this I asked if this was it for us to which she said yes. I was a bit pissed simply because we haven't hearder from one another for 10 days and she was trying to blow me off when I got in touch. I felt like she was leading me on and because of all the frustration and every other emotion I had I told her that I am not sure if we can be friends not just because of how I felt but because how she treated me. I thanked her for our time, apologized for the things I knew I fucked up and said what I still thought about her which she didn't read and probably never will.

Unfortunately, our friendship ended. It's really hard to cut ties with someone you appreciate and have strong feelings for but it had to be done because of one simple fact- after four months of poor conversation where I couldn't get an answer to anything, wasn't asked anything and haven't had even a "hey how are you" I realized that it wasn't something that would change over time. For what ever reason this person no longer saw me as a friend, maybe not even as a friendly stranger.

The ugly

There was a lot of ugly in the 2017. I wasn't taking care of myself properly, I neglected my dog for years and was trying to make up for it now that I was back in my home town but out of my frustration I failed to realize that I was still not providing him with enough love. Because of all the pain I felt because of the losses I suffered I started going out because being surrounded by the positivity, parties and dancing my shit away made me feel great. Apart from that I was panicking. I am working a full time job, started my studies again and the exams were getting ever so close. I had to go to as many parties as I could because it was now or never. Boy was I wrong.

I noticed that I shared an approach that many of us have and that in Serbian is best illustrated with the following expression "Majmun se uvek hvata za najblizu granu". My head was so up my own ass that I started thinking short term because the only thing that mattered to me was for ME to feel great NOW. After a month of outing I realized what I was doing and started slowing it down and focusing on the things that were actually a priority in my life.

The good(awesome actually)

I've realized I have 5 friends that would go above and beyond for me and they actually proved it to me with actions. I can't remember the exact date however it was a day when a lot of the bad from above happened and I believe it was just a few days apart from an argument I had with my partner at the time. One of my best friends called me, noticed that I was a bit off and asked me what was up and I straight up told him that I felt like shit and doubt that anything could make me feel any better. Within two hours he got in touch with 4 other of my friends, two of which were in Belgrade, and got them all to come to my apartment and play a board game I was dying to play. One of my friends actually went out from work, rescheduled a lot of his other obligations and came whilst another tried, but failed, to organize an outing in Belgrade. As I was in need of a good dance and a few drinks we went to one of the best parties I ever went to. While I had a few regrets about that day, one of which was that I didn't get to walk some doggos with my partner, it went to show that I truly had great friends.

I also stopped postponing things I want to do which is how I ended up to learning to play the piano, started traveling a bit more, saying people what I think and feel, exercising, joing a humanitarian organization and much more.

I also recently saw some work my ex partner did on Instagram, three to be exact. The first and second one were in my search feed and the third was her picture being featured on another account and that made me excited and happy. I am not sure but would love to think that not every post gets in the search featured posts and am happy that other people are recognizing her talents. It made me happy that I was just able to appreciate her work and that that was all I felt, just being proud and happy.

I came to a realization that we are all good and bad. We can all be amazing and we can all be douchebags. That's life. Sometimes it is your fault, sometimes you do things that simply lead to other things happening.Don't dwell on things unless you can learn from your past and don't be too proud to apologies, to reach out and to try do some good because it usually doesn't hurt. Just because we make mistakes that can hurt others doesn’t mean we are bad people, what we do after that mistake is what makes that determination.

[mrmot-world]

(breaks into your house) can i pet your dogs

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Do simple shit for your significant other. Send them songs you like, tell them they look good, write them dumb little notes, buy them their favorite candy, tell them corny jokes, watch their favorite show with them, etc.

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I’m still trying to figure out how everything went wrong so fast.

(via flame)

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The good, the bad and the “eh, fuck it”

2015, 2016 and a part of 2017 I’ve spent on auto-pilot where I just went through the motions, didn’t even think about the things I was(’nt) doing or saying. I’m not saying good thing haven’t happened during those years but what I am saying is that most thing felt like a giant blur and that I felt mostly numb during that time. The beginning of 2017 is where I tried to pull my shit together. I started working out a bit, playing games, going to board game nights, going out and socializing. However all of my encounters with either people I just met or those I’ve known for some time drained me. Every day I would spend at least 40 minutes in my bed either waiting to fall asleep or eventually snapping myself out of it and start playing a game or reading up on things I needed to do for work. I was employed by the biggest companies in the world yet I felt no pride or joy. To me, the choices I made weren’t choices at all but something I had to do for the sake of my family. I neglected myself so much that I forgot what it meant to feel or to take care of yourself as the only self care I did was my “recharge” time and that I took my health seriously enough to go on regular physical checkups. To me, the most important thing during this time was sleep. That was the only thing I knew I enjoyed apart from glutenous amounts of food. Then I met her and things were starting to be strange for me- if only I knew that they would also become frightening. Nothing changed much at first, the only thing was that someone has managed to catch my attention. Someone has became interesting to me and I started appreciating them and not for their looks(Which came later) but for their thoughts, for their sincerity and for their acceptance of the weirdest parts of my mind and most broken pieces of my heart. I knew thing were different when she came over after I’ve spent a long day in the office and I wanted to lay in my bad and recharge- I’ve just layed there for but a moment when I realized I was somehow refreshed. I’ve looked up at her, to who I explained that this was a part of my daily routine, and heard the most gentle and worried sentence:”I’m sorry if I contributed to you being tired, please take the time you need to rest up.”. Her eyes glared and her shoulders shrugged a bit and I couldn’t help but smile as I whispered “No, I think I’m actually okay today”. Little did I know that I misjudged that feeling and that I was more than okay and that that feeling will remain for more than just that one day. I, who was mostly either hungry or sleepy, traded my sleep hours of hours of talking and just that. We talked until 8 AM simply because I had to go to work. During our talks something happened that usually never happened to me before. I was able to peacefully and restfully fall asleep (even thought I would say I’ve lost consciousness because I never wanted not to hear her reply or to bore her) when I was with someone.Even thought I haven’t slept, and even thought we texted each other every minute of every day, I haven’t felt tired once(except that one time I passed out on a lazy bag).  I am a lousy writer and am even worse when trying to convey a coherent, to the point thought. The above should have painted a picture of me, a robot like creature, and her the (all)spark that affected me deeply. Suddenly, I felt things I never felt before. Suddenly, I who never relied on anyone and who never felt the need to see someone or hear from them had that need. Suddenly but surely, I was waking up. And holy shit to what I was waking up to. This beautiful, gentle, strong, admirable and full of potential person who I had the luck and pleasure of meeting. The changes within me were small but significant. She helped me realize how illiterate I was where I would confuse even the simplest of words. She allowed me to understand what it means to feel safe, to feel love and to feel alive. I am giving her too much credit, and I would have gotten where I am without her eventually however she was the most beautiful catalyst that I thank the heavens I experienced.  Thanks to this experience I realized that every moment is truly meaningful and should be lived to the fullest. That you should pursue your dreams and your main goal should always be to be happy and if you can make others happy along the way try it but don’t feel obligated. You are not responsible for the happiness of others. This resulted in me learning how to play the piano, dance hip-hop, (try to) learn photography and go back to(poorly) drawing(all of these things I either dreamed of when I was young and/or have practiced before and enjoyed immensely). I’ve also gone through therapy which helped me learn a lot about myself however even all this time I haven’t changed much. It’s still a struggle, I’m still at the very beginning but that’s what makes it interesting. You are always working on you and you are always trying to be better.  I think no one will read this long ass post but its purpose isn’t to be read by anyone. It is here so that I can have it to reflect upon and change it if need be over time.

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*holds my own hand* its gonna be ok babe

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Want to flirt like a pro?

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via @extramadness

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meirl

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Follow me for more!

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Oh I like. I want this man in my life. :’D

@excima

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You gotta have a plan…