mrs-s-carlisle - Tumblr blog

[mrs-s-carlisle]

krish--yash‌:

His thick lashes batting in his usual state of confusion, Krishna wondered what she could have been talking about. He’d spent most of his flight drifting in his mind, the movie playing having gone unwatched for the most part and his phone off until they landed as he debated his life and choices in his mind. “Why wou–” He got out before she spoke again, prompting him to close his mouth as he was sure that leaving it hanging would make him look like a carp on land and that Sofia already had a negative impression of him. The news soon dropped on him and Krishna froze up, though this time it wasn’t out of fear of the woman before him. As if a switch was flipped inside him, Krishna’s shoulders became square, his face turning from it’s puppy-like innocent expression to a serious one. “ A body..” He echoed more than question. “ Has it been identified yet?” It was a question he could find out from someone else, but he wanted to know the details now, even if it meant hold up the Mayor’s wife. He had a fear that it could be someone he knew or that the person who committed it was drawing a line in the sand. There were too many reasons to worry to make him patient.

Sofia really didn’t have time for this. Of all the people that could have bumped into her, of course it would have been Krishna Yashvardhan. Not only because she was perpetually annoyed by the presence of any of the family, but the younger man’s overall cluelessness would obviously mean that he would have no idea that they were mid-crisis. “If it had been identified do you really think I would have vaguely described it as a body?” She asked, the effort it took for the extravagant eye roll that followed her words looked as though it might actually strain muscles. She would never understand why exactly the man was trusted with anything of importance if he was going to ask such stupid questions - and yes, there was such a thing. Her eyes flickered to the nearby clock, knowing that her driver would be waiting outside and that she was potentially holding up a very important meeting. Sighing she adjusted the bag on her shoulder, grabbing Lexi’s leash that she had dropped upon the impact as she turned on her heel. “Grab my case, you can ride with me and I’ll let you know everything I’ve been told about the situation,” It wasn’t a request, it was a demand. That much was clear as she had already began walking towards the doors. She wasn’t exactly thrilled that she was now having to share a car with somebody she considered an idiot but debriefing him before the council met would save everybody time. Why his sisters hadn’t already thought of this she couldn’t quite understand, but as usual she was being left to clean up other people’s messes - at her own detriment too.

[mrs-s-carlisle]

mayorcarlisle‌:

When he was having such a hard time processing the news himself, how was he supposed to offer comfort to his wife. It was happening all over again. Their last loss had seen him being her rock, keeping his tears a secret so that she could cry freely. He knew he could let his emotions show and yet all he could feel in that moment was frustration, not at his wife, but at himself. How could he have let this happen? Why hadn’t Reid come to him? If something was happening in Kingston, surely he knew he could have counted on Ben. Benjamin would have led him down a dead end. He would have given him a different suspect. If Reid had just approached him, he would have been alive.

“Stop,” he gasped, feeling his chest tighten uncomfortably. “Don’t. Just don’t.”  He pulled out of her hold, pushing himself up from his chair. His hands reached for his tie, loosening it hastily in the hopes that the suffocating feeling he was experiencing would go away. “You think I haven’t thought of them? I haven’t even called her. I don’t have the balls.” His words were a hissed whisper, not wanting those outside of his office to hear him. All Ben really wanted to do was scream and shout; not because he was angry with his wife, but because he was just angry. His cousin was dead and his killer was still out there somewhere. Reid was gone and his poor wife and two little girls were left to pick up the broken pieces of their life. “I’m going to find the person that did this Sofia… I’m going to find them and when I do, they’re going to wish they were dead.”

Sofia visibility flinched at the hostility in Ben’s voice. She was silent, letting him go and her own arms drop to her sides as she felt herself go numb. It was happening all over again. He was building walls that she wasn’t allowed passed and it was selfish but that broke her heart more than Reid’s death had. They were meant to be a team, they’d promised a long time ago that they would stick through every thing together, and yet she felt as if she wasn’t trusted with his most vulnerable moments. Other people were, but she his own wife was being discarded again and she couldn’t do a thing about it.

She slumped against his desk, trying to figure out what she could do. There wasn’t anything that could make this okay, but she could at least make it better in some aspect - that had been her job after all, fixing things. But she couldn’t do that if she was being emotional, and so her own walls were built up as her fingers reach her face to wipe away the tears that she had allowed to fall. No more of that. “I’ll call them,” She stated, leaving no room for argument. She and Rebecca had hardly been the best of friends in the last few years, but before that had been a friendship. And they were family as much as their husband’s had been. “And your mother. She’ll be able to tell us about any arrangements that have already been made.” Had there been arrangements made? How long had everybody else known? How was this even happening? She didn’t look up to Ben once, her eyes trained on the floor and her mind sinking into professional mode. She could pretend this wasn’t happening to them, to their family, but she just had to keep up that emotional wall. She nodded along with his words, but she wasn’t listening. She was focused. The guilt was already gnawing at her gut, telling her that it had happened to their family and ignoring that would do nobody good, but she couldn’t listen to that if she didn’t want what remained of her emotional stability in the moment to crumble to the ground with her.

[mrs-s-carlisle]

emerykobayashi‌:

Emery looked at Sofia for a moment, blinking once as she tried to come to terms with who was in front of her. She didn’t think either Sofia or Ben would be out to see her today.  It hadn’t been that she didn’t think they would come to find out the truth, but things were still so fresh. The fact that she was on their minds didn’t settle well in the pit of her stomach. “You can come with me to the office if you wish. I have things to take care of.” Emery said softly, stepping away from Sofia as her called pulled up. She pulled her coat farther around her body, trying to ignore the thoughts that swirled around her mind about the danger that they were in. She thanked her driver as he opened the door for her and helped her inside. Emery figured Sofia would join her and slid over to make more room for the brunette before shedding her things and closing her eyes as the door clicked shut. She’d always considered Sofia to be a friend, but now, that might have been pushing things. “Ask what you want.” Emery said in a soft voice, reopening her eyes to look at Sofia. 

“But before you do, know that we didn’t do this. It might have been our drug, but we wouldn’t be stupid enough to use it to murder someone or to hurt another member of the council.” Emery said a moment after. It was too easy to link it back to them that way. She wasn’t well-versed in how to kill another person, but even Emery thought it was foolish to use the drug that her family  manufactured to kill someone. It wasn’t something they would do, and if they had, Emery would’ve been warned. Someone would’ve told her what to do or at least have come home to deal with it. This hadn’t been their call, but that didn’t make her feel any better. Someone had it out for them, and Emery didn’t like that truth one bit.

Sofia wasn’t quite sure why she had come to Emery. Her brothers were out of town which meant they were also out of the question, but the younger woman was also her friend. She didn’t believe that the family would be stupid enough to use their own drug, it would make them too obvious of a suspect if they wanted to cover up their involvement. Honestly she wasn’t sure there was any reason to her just showing up other than putting off her seeing her husband while she tried to think of what she could possibly say. She’d turned to Emery because it had been the first person she’d thought of, it was just a bonus that she might have some answers to the questions that were running through her mind. Or at least have some means to get them.

She nodded, not thinking about what she would do with her own car as she followed the other woman. It was strange, she was used to being the one leading - the mentor, the wise one, being followed both physically and in conversation. It was clear that she was no longer in the driving seat, it seemed that was becoming more and more apparent every day and Sofia wasn’t completely sure that she knew how to deal with that after a lifetime of feeling in control. She slid in beside the brunette, stewing in the silence and struggling with what to say until it was broken. She inhaled softly through her nose, her head turning to catch Emery’s eyes as she assured her, “I know. I don’t think that you or your family did this. It would have been plain stupid...but somebody did.” She took another deep breath, willing herself to forget that they were talking about the death of somebody she had considered her family. “Is there anyway that you can track purchases? I know there’s no guarantee that whoever it was got it from your directly, but it would narrow down at least some people,” Surely they were organised enough to keep some sort of record for their own security. 

[mrs-s-carlisle]

Is there a time in your life where you wish you could have just stayed there forever?

“I could say the first week of December 2015. I was coming up to two months pregnant, we were decorating our condo, Duke was being exceptionally well behaved around all the tinsel and Ben and I were planning out cute ways to tell our families about the baby. But I’m not allowed to say that, I have to move on. So I guess it’s the day I moved into my dorm at Princeton, I just felt like it was what my whole life had been leading up to. I was meant to be there.”

[mrs-s-carlisle]

krish--yash‌:

”S-sorry…” He blurted out the moment she prompted him. Krishna had manners, of course, but the last person he expected to see was the Mayor’s wife. He considered it lucky that he had no business dealings with her that would lead to awkward run-ins like this one. Known for being a pacifist, the idea that  Krishna could easily be afraid of any and every one was a popular, though incorrect theory. He was brave in the face of anything that wasn’t bees and yet somehow this woman put the fear of God in him. There was something cold and he would day say lifeless about her eyes; like the ones of a creepy doll or an old painting that followed you around a room no matter where you stood. He gaze was the very definition of ‘if looks could kill’ and Krishna hated being the focus of them. “ I–what?” He stammered for a moment before snapping back to reality. “ Oh, yes… A um… a business thing…” Was as best as he could come up with given she’d put him on the spot. Who would outright say they were acting out an elaborate heist? “ Um, what reason?” He asked, blissfully oblivious as always. “Has something happened?”

Sofia was unswayed by the apology, that she would note she had all but forced from the man. Who didn’t apologise when they ran into somebody? She was really beginning to doubt that any of the Yashvardhans had any idea about behaving in the real world. Those cold eyes didn’t soften, instead looking Krishna up and down before humming reluctantly. She offered no apology back or any other sign that his had been accepted. The next reaction was one of frustration, rolling her eyes as though the question was the stupidest thing he could have asked. In many ways it was. “Well I suppose that answers my question,” She crossed her arms over, irritated that a member of the council hadn’t been informed at what was very clearly council business. “The body. In the river,” It was still said as though it should have been obvious, as though it was his fault for not knowing. Apparently she couldn’t help but snidely add, “It’s good to know that everybody is taking this so seriously.” She had flown home from a family trip that had been meant to help her forget about the problems she left in Kingston, convinced it was a matter of upmost emergency, and the other families hadn’t even bothered to let their members know.

[mrs-s-carlisle]

Do you believe you and Ben will find your way back?

“Honestly? I have no idea. I want us to, but I can’t be the only one that wants it and I’m still not sure I know just how much we have to fix.”

@mayorcarlisle

[mrs-s-carlisle]

What's the one thing from your old life you miss the most?

“Safety. I knew that what we’re doing is dangerous, but I guess I thought we’d make it out okay. Now with Reid...I just don’t feel so sure anymore.”

[mrs-s-carlisle]

do you think easton truly forgave you?

“I want to hope so, but I just don’t know how he ever could. Forgiveness is asking so much already, I don’t know if I can ever expect him to trust me again,”

@eastonvillarreal

[mrs-s-carlisle]

mayorcarlisle‌:

The shock of the news had rooted him to the spot. He hadn’t left his seat since he saw Reid’s smiling face on the television screen. It had been so difficult to breathe in that moment. How strange it was to think that only seconds before he heard the news Reid was very much alive, but the reality was something very different.

“Ben… You’re going to want to be seated for this.” His chief of staff had eyed him warily as they entered his office. Ben had been mid phone call when they walked in, taking the phone and hanging up after a quick, “Hi sorry. The mayor’s going to have to call you back.” The behavior had been odd and Benjamin knew that they would never do such a thing unless it was important. Even as he flashed the chief of staff with a look of confusion, he still followed orders, taking his seat behind his desk. The television turned on and Reid’s smiling image was staring back at him as a news reporter explained that the body found in Summervale had been his.

“He’s dead.” It was all he could manage. Even as Sofia embraced him and muttered words of comfort to him, he could only focus on the fact that Reid was gone. He was gone and it was all their fault. He winced at her apology. “Sorry isn’t going to bring Reid back. Sorry’s not going to change what happened.” He brought one hand up to rest on her arm as he tried his best to return the sympathies. Reid was family to Sofia as well. However, comforting her when he himself was in shambles it was proving to be more difficult than he could have imagined.  

Sofia hated this, feeling so helpless, like she was no use at all when her husband needed her the most. She knew Ben was right, there was nothing she could say to him or the rest of the family which would somehow make this okay. There was nothing that could be done except grief, but that was much easier said than accepted and done. She felt the hand on her shoulder, flinching slightly at how little comfort she felt from it. It was as though it was what he needed to do, what was expected of him, but she could ask for little else from the situation they were in. 

“I know,” She nodded her head against where it was still placed in the crook of his neck. She squeezed her own eyes shut in an attempt to hold back the few tears that were threatening to fall. The more it was said, the more Ben said it, the realer it got and the more difficult it became to not let herself react. Her tries were futile, the handful of tears streaming from her cheeks to the collar of his shirt. She pulled away from the embrace slightly, careful to wipe the wet patches from her under her eyes before she brought her hand up to caress his cheek in a simple sign of support. “Que no fue tu culpa. No podrías haber hecho nada,” She doubted it would help, but she didn’t doubt that somehow Ben would find a way to shoulder the guilt. She could feel it on her own heart, as though maybe if she had been better to the Bradleys they could have done something to stop it, maybe if they hadn’t been in DC they could have done anything. Doubtful, but if that was how she felt she couldn’t imagine what her husband was possibly imagining.

She bit her lip as she remembered their family, all the people who had loved Reid and would suddenly have to go on without him. “Rebecca. The girls,” She whispered almost in disbelief as she shook her head slightly. His aunt, his uncle, his cousins. Him. How was any of this supposed to get better?

[mrs-s-carlisle]

islahadland‌:

Isla had been waiting for a friend that had never shown as she stood at the airport doors. She got it - but it stung all the same. She didn’t even know why she was letting herself get excited, it wasn’t like it was easy to get day’s signed off, let alone ones that meant you had to leave the state and there were men with families that needed holidays, emergencies came up and clutching at her phone she could only assume something along those lines had  happened. Jamie wouldn’t let her down unless it was an emergency she knew that, it just sucked. With a small huff, the blonde stuffed her hands into her pockets, making her way out of the arrivals lounge without much consideration for the others around her, it wasn’t like she knew any of them anyway and they were more than likely all just rushing to be home with family. Her gaze was caught for a moment, by a reuniting couple and before she even meant to she felt her shoulder collide with another, an apology on the tip of her tongue until she was met with the others hiss. Automatically her back straightened and her shoulders pushed back. She had no idea who the woman was but she doubted it would take much to put her on her ass. “Or else what princess?” 

Sofia wasn’t exactly interested in any excuses, not even a good one like Isla had to offer. When she was this mad there was very little that could talk her around into a good mood, and with nothing but bad timing and fate that she didn’t seem to be on her side there was nothing physical for her to project that anger at. That usually spelt trouble for everybody else, hot glares and small threats through gritted teeth the only way to satisfy her building wrath. Perhaps then it was good that the blonde hadn’t provided any, even if she was slightly underestimating her, a challenge was always much better than backing down. Her nose wrinkled at princess, although coming back from DC where she was almost exclusively known as princesa during any of the holidays it shouldn’t have been a surprise that she was still carrying around her teenage queen bee attitude jumping off the plane. It would leave soon enough, be shaken for the put together adult that she had become but unfortunately Isla had collided with her mid internal temper tantrum with the haughtiness still intact. “I think you’ll find it’s Sofia Carlisle, as in wife of Mayor Carlisle,” She corrected, pushing her chin up and her shoulders back in confidence, “And I wouldn’t try anything again.I can guarantee there’s a security detail waiting for me in that car who would show you exactly what else would happen.” She wasn’t sure that was true, it wasn’t as though she had one at all times, but surely when a dead body turned up somebody was concerned for a member of the council even if by proxy.

[mrs-s-carlisle]

mayorcarlisle‌:

The news had spread like wildfire, the flames not sparing the city’s beloved mayor. How many people had he shaken hands with today? How many had eyed him with that same pitiful glance? How many had offered false and empty condolences. He was a broken record, offering his hand up to stranger after stranger as they spoke of how truly sorry they were for his loss.

“We just heard…”

“We can’t imagine to understand how you must be feeling…“

“So sorry to hear about Mr. Bradley…” 

Reid. His moral compass in a younger life. Gone. Was there anything left of his previous existence? Was there anything good for him to cling onto? Had he done this? Did he inadvertently played a part in Reid’s demise? The skin on his fingers tips tingled with an anxious sensation and no matter how many times he flicked his wrists and willed the feeling away, it wouldn’t. He was marred. There was blood on his hands. Blood of his own kin. The ringing in his ears was interrupted by a voice. He wished he he had pretended he hadn’t heard it, but his flinch had already given him away. He reluctantly forced himself to turn in the direction of the other, avoiding eye contact at all costs. 

Sofia wasn’t sure how she was supposed to react, what was she supposed to do. Reid had been her family, she’d known him for nearly fifteen years, the news hit her like a bus. If this was how she felt, she couldn’t imagine what Ben was going through. She wanted to run to him, to comfort him and let him know that she was there for anything he needed, but she wasn’t sure if he wanted her to. Things had been so weird between the two of them, but surely if there was anything that they could set that aside for it was this. And so, she bit the bullet and rushed to city hall like her instincts told her to.

She didn’t stop to be polite, sure that anybody who heard the news would understand that she wasn’t in the position to pretend everything was okay, and didn’t even knock as she entered her husband’s office. “Ben,” His name came out as a whisper, more emotional than she had realised she was. She didn’t wait for a verbal reaction, already knowing that he had heard her. “Oh Ben,” She wasn’t sure what else she could say before she crossed the room to throw her arms around him, holding him tight and not caring if he was going to push her away. She just needed her husband to know even for a second that she was there. “I’m so sorry,” She started, whispering against his ear despite knowing that those words would mean little. She tried to reassure him that he at least had somebody, “I know- I know things between us haven’t been good, but I still love you and I’m here for you. Anything you need, I’m right here.”

[mrs-s-carlisle]

emerykobayashi‌:

Emery felt like screaming or at the very least taking her fist to something. They’d worked so unbelievably hard to not have another scandal, and while all of the dots hadn’t been connected yet, it wouldn’t take a very far jump to put the pieces together. The brunette had sent a few  worried texts to her brothers, but they were overseas. It’d be days before they could get back, and what they didn’t have was time. Emery was going to  have to spearhead disarming the threat and making sure the council didn’t try to oust them in the process. She wouldn’t be surprised to find that they were suddenly left out in the cold if it meant the others could be safe.  After all, it was Ben’s brother for god’s sake. Even if they were friends, would he really believe that they weren’t the ones that had called the hit? Therein lay an entirely different issue. Emery knew the hit hadn’t been ordered on their end, and that meant someone else was implicating them.

She wondered if it were one of the other families acting out after the Holi festival and using their business as a convenient cover up to mask their own desires. Most of all, Emery feared what was coming. This investigation wasn’t going to just vanish, and she didn’t know if she were capable of surviving it on her own. Her internal fears and worries manifested themselves in her behaviors. Biting at her lip, picking her nails, or running her fingers through her hair had become coping mechanisms. She lingered outside her building, waiting for her car to be brought around so she could get to the office and move a few things around and ensure nothing suspicious would be found should anyone come looking. It was only when she heard her name that the girl ran her fingers through her hair quickly before turning with a neutral expression. “What?” She murmured, lacking her normal optimism and joy. This wasn’t a good day, and even she couldn’t find it in her to act like it.

Sofia had developed a new routine over the last few weeks. It was similar to her old one, only minor changes like the fact that she now had the time to watch bad morning TV shows instead of walking the dogs so early. It was almost nice to kick up her feet, lean back and be mindless for half a hour munching on cereal. She had just been about to get up, ready to convince herself that it was in fact time for the day to actually start when the bulletin interrupted her internal pep talk. She almost dropped the coffee in her hand at the name. How? What? How? Why hadn’t they informed the family before putting it-...that was when her thoughts stopped. They had obviously, nobody would be so bold as to put it on the news before informing loved one. Best case scenario her husband hadn’t had time to tell her yet or had momentarily forgot in the grief, worse case...She shouldn’t be thinking about herself when they had a dead family member.

She didn’t bother to change out of her casual get up, just sticking on her sneakers before running to the car. She wasn’t sure where she was supposed to go, wanting to see her family but knowing somehow that there was another stop to make. She had to talk to one of the council, she was unwilling to believe that one of their friends - were they even really friends? - would do this to them but she needed to discuss it anyway. She considered the Villarreals, but she had asked too much of them already. That was how she managed to come face to face with a very stressed Emery. There was nobody else available that she trusted and she desperately needed to know everything there was to do. She just hoped that the younger girl had the information to give her. “We need to talk,” She said calmly, swallowing the lump in her throat as it would somehow  though make the death somebody she’d known for fifteen years just disappear.

[mrs-s-carlisle]

@eastonvillarreal

There’s this girl…

[mrs-s-carlisle]

eastonvillarreal‌:

“Leo is always a great help, he’s just a regular old knight in shinning armor that one.” Easton smiled softly at the woman - there had been a time where Easton had been convinced that it was his brother that should have been mayor, he had the charm and the charisma, he was sure that he would be able to handle the politics well, in his eyes Leo would always be able to handle the pressure of the role better than anyone. “I really did try and find him, and I really don’t blame you Sofia, not in that way, you wouldn’t have ever left her if you didn’t think she’d be fine.” He knew it deep down and he hoped that one day he would trust her enough again that she could be back in Luna’s life because he was sure that his daughter missed her even if he couldn’t really ask her. “I know, I still can’t believe they did that to you, this so called security expert of his is really smart, taking him off with just one person watching his six, real clever.” He sighed. Easton’s eyes scanned over her, she wasn’t very good at hiding her emotions, or maybe he just knew her well enough at this point to know her tells. “Come here.” The male muttered as reached out for her hand to tug her in close, wrapping his arms around her tightly as he pulled her to the chest. “I’m not fine either.” 

“Our very own hero, how lucky the people of Kingston are,” Sofia allowed herself to chuckle, enjoying the presence of a friend for the moment. Maybe if Easton’s daydreams had become true her life would be better right now, or maybe she would have thought that it was worse. There was no way for her to know, so it was best not to think about what could have been. That was supposed to be the whole point of moving on, right? “I know,” She said quietly, nodding her head as she acknowledged that Easton had tried - maybe she hadn’t deserved his sympathy but he’d tried anyway. “I do,” She admitted honestly, her eyes meeting his as she finally said it out loud, “I was the one who left her and I shouldn’t have. I swear that I thought it was safe but I shouldn’t have left her even if it was. I know it doesn’t make up for it, but I really am so sorry.” She ducked her head down, not sure if it was because she couldn’t bear to look at him after apologising yet again or if she just wanted to avoid defending her husband. She knew she couldn’t though, she needed to say something. “It wasn’t his fault. I said some things and he needed time,” She pushed her hair behind her ear, looking up and forcing a smile as she continued on, “It’s better that he did it somewhere else, it’s impossible for him to escape while he’s still here. I guess I should just be glad that Jaxon went with him, at least he was safe.” She hated lying to him, not being able to scream about how much had worried and how it all could have been avoided. But once it was out there she couldn’t shove it all back in and what if there came a time when she wanted to? She happily fell into his hug, sighing deep in relief as she wrapped her own arms his body. She considered denying it for a moment, but fought the urge and shook her head against his shoulder. “I’m not fine,” She finally gave in, suddenly unconcerned with how this might change their still struggling friendship. She needed somebody to talk to. “My life is falling apart, Easton. Everything’s a mess and for once I don’t know how to fix it.”

[mrs-s-carlisle]

                                who we  ARE  and who we  NEED TO BE  to survive                                        are two   V E R Y   D I F F E R E N T   things

[mrs-s-carlisle]

mayorcarlisle‌:

“I’m not throwing it in your face. That’s how I feel. I’ve done by best to be your solid rock, but I’m so tired of carrying the same burden knowing that it’s hurting us both. I just want us to move on Sofia.” He felt as though he had said those words a million times at this point. Yes, he wanted them to move on together, but she couldn’t seem to let go of the past. He wasn’t the same man. As much as he wanted to be, he wasn’t and Ben knew that was a hard pill to swallow. “I didn’t get stuck with you Sofia. What are you talking about. Stop that.”

“If the circumstances were different, if we hadn’t been hit with tragedy, I don’t know that I would have been worthy of public office… I probably would have been kicked out of the race early on. I was almost kicked out of the race even with the others involved. They had to kidnap someone’s kid to basically hand us the office.” The thought didn’t make him feel as sick as it did when he was initially told of the plan, that thought alone worrying him. “I wanted to give you the life you deserved, the one you’ve been accustomed to your whole life and I somehow managed to fuck that up too.”

“I don’t want to resign,” he responded, the answer instinctive. Why would he want to give all this up? If he did that, he really would have nothing. Nothing, but Sofia…. Even then, their relationship was already on the rocks. Going from all this to worse than their previous state didn’t exactly spell good news for him. Plus, what was the guarantee that the other would let him go so willingly? He didn’t have a choice. She knew that. He knew that. “I just needed to unplug from everything. We were just screaming in each other’s faces. I wasn’t thinking. Time got away from me. By the time I had cooled down, we were on our way back. I don’t know what else to say…” His features softened, “Of course I would worry… But, we both know those two situations are different.” He shook his head knowing that answer wasn’t good enough. “I would worry Sof. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you. I just needed time.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a burden. I guess that I just convinced myself that we were good again because I wanted us to be and I wasn’t thinking about whether it was hurting you are not,” It was said sincerely, without sarcasm or anger, but full of guilt. He wasn’t supposed to be the only one doing the catching, they were supposed to be equal partners. She had let him down. “I want to move on Ben. I want us to be good again,” She agreed, trying to smile as she continued on, “Actually good. I was happy, but that doesn’t mean anything unless you are too.” She rubbed her lips together, wondering if she should doubt him. But they were meant to be honest, right? Why would he start lying not? “It feels like you did,” She admitted, “It feels like I pushed you into being something that I wanted and you got stuck with me when all you wanted was a nice girl who could have given you a nice life.” She’d never wanted to be average before, she’d never understood people who did, but part of her was beginning to wonder if that would have been what was best for Ben. Sure she loved him, but was that enough to make somebody happy?

She ran her hands down her face, taking a moment to collect herself. She was growing tired of people insinuating that what they had been through was lucky, even if she was aware that they would never have gotten themselves into the position with a child not one part of her felt lucky. “Of course you would have been worthy Ben,” She insisted, she had never doubted that her husband was absolutely a man worthy of power, “You heard Amrita, there were several reason that they choose you; and one of them is because you deserve it. The problem is the people who deserve it aren’t always the one’s that get it. The extra help doesn’t mean that the wrong man won, you are not the wrong man.” There was a confidence in her words, her own stomach just as void of any guilt over the kidnapping. She had never doubted his capabilities. She pushed herself to her feet, not sure that the path was any clearer than before but still making her way towards him. “You didn’t fuck it up Ben,” She reassured as she placed her hand on his cheek, gently rubbing her thumb against the skin underneath before quickly dropping it to his shoulder in fear that it was too familiar - too familiar with her own husband, the idea should have made her scoff, “I did and I’m so sorry. I’ve spent fifteen years so happy with you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t make it clear that you’re the one that makes me happy. Happy enough that nothing else would really matter without you.”

A sigh of relief escaped her lips. She had been worried that he would say yes and then she would have to figure out a way that got them out safely. Well, him out safely. She nodded, wishing that she could understand but willing to move on. Ben had needed time, maybe it should have been dealt with in a better way but she could at least see why he would. “Yeah, because I’m not important enough to hurt,” She laughed after the joke, hoping that it would lighten the mood while also attempting to cover up the truth in it. There had been times over the last two years when her security was second only to Ben’s, concerns that Sofia was his weak spot should anything happen to her. Were the same concerns still valid? “I want to move on from this. I want to work forward together,” She cleared her throat, moving the hand that was still placed on his arm to scratch her neck as she braved herself to continue on, “But if you still need more time, I’m still going to DC this weekend. You don’t have to come, I can tell them that work stuff came up, but it would give you time to work out what you want.”