mrshumandisaster - Tumblr blog

[mrshumandisaster]

i'm scared of being left alone with my thoughts

don't see anything worth staying here for

don't know who i am anymore

don't know what to do and where to go

run away, okay. but to where? and what do i do there?

[mrshumandisaster]

how does one deal with so much rejection?

you know what you are supposed to do: let it go, move on. NOT pay attention to it.

but for how long?

how long does it take to have all your hopes and positive thinking sucked out of you?

my happy tank is almost empty. how do i refill it?

[mrshumandisaster]

all the thoughts and the plans and the positive thinking

fading away while refreshing my phone screen

dreams building up just to tumble back down

crumbs all splattered up on the ground

should i pick them up and glue them together?

try to make sense of it, perhaps in a new shape?

or just let them be the mess that they are

eventually clean it up, trash it,

whatever it takes

just throw them away

is there any use of dreaming?

i'm climbing and slipping and climbing again

they say it's the climb but i'm scared i won't heal right

to be able to climb up again

[mrshumandisaster]

is one supposed to be happy that one wasn't cheated on? say "congrats for not cheating!"? throw a no cheating party? hand out an award?

the fact that someone thinks of other people but doesn't act on it is deserving of a medal?

and then when said person does something hurtful - doesn't cheat, but does something knowingly hurtful towards their partner, regarding the people they think about - does the partner not get to be upset? to feel hurt and disrespected?

or is it unfair for the partner to feel hurt?

"unfair"...

that's the word the partner hears: "unfair"

apparently it's unfair to be hurt when your partner knowingly hurt you because, hey, they didn't cheat on you.

that partner has "a life". has feelings - or thoughts or however they call it - that they can't control.

so it's unfair to be hurt from the fact that they consciously hurt you because it was small! it wasn't cheating. and that person is going through so much internally when it comes to holding themselves from cheating that maybe you should just suck it all in. not feel hurt. not complain. they consciously hurt you but they're making such an effort to NOT cheat that, come on, you should give them a break. cut them some slack.

you don't get to feel hurt. it's "unfair".

[mrshumandisaster]

i need to dance. dance the pain and confusion away, exploring the whole city. feel like myself again, in touch with every fiber of my being.

each movement representing a day. a story. a day made up. there were so many days unlived in this last year - and some in the years before.

perhaps i can get them back if i dance long enough.

[mrshumandisaster]

sometimes

when i pretend i'm in control

(and the pretending is good enough to fool the people around me)

i somehow manage to fool myself.

and for a while, maybe a full day if i'm lucky

it is as if i actually am in control

as if i'm alright, and there's not a thing in the world to worry about

(except the bossing around to keep the control from being found fraudulent)

[mrshumandisaster]

all i want to do is scream at the top of my lungs

[mrshumandisaster]

if this year's a test, then it's one of those which you barely pass, having no clue what the subject actually was.

patience? love? career?

it's hard to be patient in a pandemic scenario, specially if you're unemployed and not sure what country(!) you'll be living in in the following weeks. i've had countless lessions on patience, worked really hard on them but still feel like i'm at square one. i wasn't anxious pre-pandemic, you know? just the normal amount, really, not the crippling pandemic amount. now i have to learn all these lessons, but they keep happening again and again.

about love: it takes work - for it to last you have to nurture it. it's hard but i'm good with that. i'm very lucky on this front. it's work i'm more than happy to do.

career? ... no idea. my long interesting hardworking journey brought me here - WHERE is here? nowhere? to say i am disappointed is an understatement.

this is a class i feel like i've failed, yet somehow passed. how did that happen?

people say it doesn't matter how i pass, as long as i did - but it doesn't work that way for me.

[mrshumandisaster]

the atmosphere feels different. june came and brought a certain air back to my lungs.

the world is more chaotic than ever, but i feel ready for the challenge - my therapist would say it's very predictable of me, to be my most alert at the most poignant moments.

i wonder how much i can work on. i feel like taking the world by storm.

crazy how not so long ago i felt an emptiness so deep it glued me to the ground. filled me with despair. numbed all my senses. did it fade away? lose its power day by day? was it a cloud making waves or a reset button made just in case?

whatever it was, i appreciate it. now i not only feel the cycles but i embrace them. i breathe and carry on. as mediocre as my attemps may be. i appreciate that now they get me from one point to another in less time. they get me from one point to another. with more air suddenly back in my lungs. with more energy to fight until the next cycle comes along.

[mrshumandisaster]

took me so many years to realise i was gay. i grew up at a time when being gay meant looking a certain way.

the hair and the clothes and the what ladies say - i fell right onto that, no one ever complained.

the attitude was talked about, masculine, bold - i've always been soft and terrified of love.

youtuber wasnt a career, but i knew one couple like me. they were lesbians and soft - i was soft and fifteen.

but only at 18 i got to meet girls who liked girls and talked about it. they couldn't tell i did, so did i really?

[mrshumandisaster]

i can't go on like this

[mrshumandisaster]

i know alone like no one else does

[mrshumandisaster]

empty

empty

i feel empty

this post doesn't make sense just like my life rn

i'm empty

empty

super empty

i don't feel a thing except the feeling of the emptiness i have inside

[mrshumandisaster]

since i've wanted to live again, every birthday has been a discovery. when i was 17 i realised being on my own isn't entirely enough: i wanted attention. at 18 i realised i craved connections, relationships - i found that in the worst people and had to deal with the consequences, but still, a discovery nonetheless. at 19 i was in pain, questioning everything and everyone i ever loved. i discovered disappointment. i discovered the importance of few, rare, everlasting bonds. i discovered sex and confusion and frustration. i discovered that my depression hadn't really gone away. at 20 i discovered how lost i was and how much i needed to get back to myself. at 21 i discovered my issues with alcohol. at 22 i had the worst birthday, with the overwhelming discovery that over half of my life up to that point had been subjected to eating desorders. it was also a year of sexual awakenings, not so much a discovery but actually a growing certainty that i am a lesbian because i have never been sexually attracted to men. i've loved them, yes, but there was always something missing. something i couldn't fully grasp, until i understood the undeniable magnitude of my love of women. at 23 i had the best birthday since this journey started. nothing really happened, and yet somehow that was everything. i was content. i knew that i knew very little about life and love, but i had discovered content. a sense of self, a calmness i had long wished for. i was working to be a better self and felt that love was all around me. though i had not met my companion, i knew that she existed and i was content on living amongst my loved ones while i waited for her arrival. i met her less than a month after. at 24, reality has taken a weird turn. the world is facing an umprecedent pandemic, and the self isolation has been taking a toll on both our mental healths. mostly on mine, i'm afraid. i haven't discovered anything yet. i feel empty. it feels rather ironic that my worst birthday was followed by my best one which was then followed by earth chattering events and emptyness. a sandwich made of terrible bread and wonderful filling. it also brings me despair to know that the love of my life is going through a lot and i can't seem to help her. on tough times i tend to isolate, and even though i've been speaking to her everyday, that's not enough. and of course it isn't, she deserves so much more than that. but i'm afraid that that's all i can do for the time being. and that's not enough. though incredibly lucky in having found my love and in knowing that both of us and our loved ones are physically safe, i still feel empty. can't bring myself to feel anything other than that. i might distract myself and live and feel vicariously through fictional characters, but when it comes to me, emptyness is all there is. how can i be this empty? i'm a shell of the person i once was. a fraction of the woman who went through all this. i know the other fractions are still alive, but they've been barried so deep that the attempt to bring them back is too painful of a task. for now, no discoveries, no full life. just a shell of the person i was. and it brings me pain to know i'm not doing enough for my love. but i know that in an alternate reality, the one where chaos hasn't brought the world to drastically change, we're together right now. our mental health is less damaged, i'm digging the fractions of myself i miss, i'm more present and supportive of her life... and we are content. i can't bring myself to discover anything at 24. but i'm sure that i'm discovering something in that alternate reality.

[mrshumandisaster]

there's no footprint

no guideline, no textbook, no scientific research, no self help book, not one single podcast that can even begin to help navigate this.

how do i hurt without hurting who's with me?

how do i not shut them out when all i want to do, all i need is to be left alone?

two people going through bad times at the same time? talk about awful timing

and those bad times happening while the world as we know it is ending?

there's no footprint

don't know how to navigate the next mont

it's too much to take

am i even capable of handling this much?

i've dealt with a lot, but this is certainly uncharted territory

[mrshumandisaster]

about sexual assault and abusive relationships

the flatshare (is abusive relationship the best way to call it?)

sex education season 2

bombshell

morning show

emily ratajkowski's essay

promising young woman

[mrshumandisaster]

22_03_20

I don’t have the energy. i can’t think positively about the future. all i do is cry, distract myself (while sometimes crying some more) and sleep. the meds that were once so good are not enough anymore. i see people laughing, people being distracted by games, by work, by tiktok... i can’t bring myself to do that. the job proposition i have is something i can’t phantom to think about and been dreading a text from. once i do, the odds are i will decline it. some people get to enjoy free time, but not me. never been able to. free time is my worst enemy.