mrsmacmaroon-blog

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I keep having... inappropriate dreams about him

I’m a hoe for Post Malone

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Sbeen a while

Right, so, since I’ve been away (from this blog that no one reads and I only write to make myself feel like I’m being productive), I’ ve dropped out of uni, gained a kilo and am now a full-time gal.

Let’s go through this.

Dropping out of uni was a hard decision to make but, ultimately, I believe the right one. I wasn’t happy on my course, I no longer enjoyed studying and was very unproductive (which was a vicious cycle of procrastinating, feeling bad and wallowing in that bad feeling, leading to further procrastination). My only motivation to remain on the course was the friends I’d made. Right now, it kinda sucks that they’re off at uni and on the groupchat talking about meeting up before class or messaging between lectures and stuff but I also don’t miss waking up late for a lecture that I attend but don’t listen to. Working full-time at a major retail store is actually making me quite happy, not to mention more productive. I only have to use my energy to get to work, work while I’m there and then get home. Of course, I have to help around the house but I’ve noticed that working has actually made me more driven to get that stuff done because there’s nothing else I have to prioritise or worry about. I mean, sure my room’s a mess but don’t get me started on that.

I’ve been in education for the last 14/15 years of my life and since secondary school it’s been nothing but go to school, come home to a pile of homework and revision and eventually coursework and the EPQ and what have you. You don’t get to go to school and let that be that and just relax at home. I’m not promoting leaving education but... I kinda am. For me, it was the right choice at this time. 

I haven’t totally given up though, I’ve reapplied to study Music and Spanish in September... so far I’ve got no responses but I’m not even too worried about it. At sixth form it was all anyone talked about and all I worried about- getting the grades to get into uni. I have the grades so if they don’t accept me, I guess they didn’t like my personal statement and I either reapply for next year or I just go and start living my life. 

I’ve always wanted to live in Spain and because of my familial circumstances I don’t think that would be a possibility when I’m older so if I don’t get in I’m very seriously considering going there while I’m still young and have that experience (these unis better decide quick though because Brexit’s on it’s way and idk how difficult it’ll be to emigrate). This motivation to actually go and do it has been brought on by my best friend. She didn’t go to university and has been working this year and she’s been applying for jobs in New York!! That feels like worlds away but would take so much courage. 

I worked in Spain for almost two months over the summer but had to come back two weeks early because I got so homesick but I really want to try again. See, when I was there I was with this family and we were just together all the time, I’d like to try living independently. Maybe Spain is a bit too soon but maybe somewhere else in the UK so I’m not too far from my family but I just wanna try something new, I don’t wanna live with my family forever. As much as I love them, they are SO LOUD.

Anyway, I keep getting distracted by How I Met Your Mother, so I’m gonna stop this here.

Also, the kilo thing, being so active at work is making me eat more and I hate it, I want to stopppppp ahhhh I thought I had willpowerrrrrr :(

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New Year’s Resolutions

I know we’ve not even gotten past Christmas yet but, irregardless, we’re approaching the end of 2018. Also, seeing as I’m working Christmas Eve, Boxing day, the day after that and then going up North for New Year’s, I figured I might as well get this out while I’m thinking of it.

So, I know as well as any that it’s highly unlikely to hold onto resolutions. For example, I resolve to make healthier choices and read more every year but always end up putting it off because ‘it’s still the holiday season so it’s time to relax and indulge’ or ‘exams are coming up so I can’t possibly read anything other than my textbooks’.

I’ve lost 2 stone this year, something I’m incredibly proud of and something I hope doesn’t reverse because it feels great to be able to fit into a dress I haven’t worn for literally 5 years and I generally just feel more comfortable with myself now. Don’t get me wrong, I liked myself when I was a bit chunkier and was actually pretty confident, but I respect myself more now that I can actually exercise willpower- something I’ve never been able to do for as long as I can remember. But instead of food, cigarettes have found a place in my hand and that is most definitely not a healthy choice. 

I also need to start exercising more. In between work and uni, I walk an awful lot so that can burn loads of calories and I feel great and get a good night’s sleep, but I’d really like to take up a sport or try running again. I tried running at the beginning of 2017 with the help of my ex-neighbour and it felt great to get up that early and do something that productive. But I eventually started getting lazier and lazier and wouldn’t wake up. So, running lasted perhaps a grand total of 4-6 weeks. I also found it to be an excuse to eat the shitty sausage baps my old school used to serve so that didn’t help the weight issue particularly.

Onto this subject of reading more. Last year, for pleasure, I read a grand total of: 

1 book.

That’s right, The Ice Cream Girls, I don’t even remember who the killer was in the end because it took me two months to read it. But I’m not keeping my resolutions as things just for January. I feel like I’m at the point where I’d prefer to read non-fiction. I want to become a more well-rounded person and not rely so much on the internet for entertainment. And I love stories about real people because I often find I can attach myself more to the story as it is real. The only fictitious universes I’ve ever lost myself in were Jacqueline Wilson’s and JK Rowling’s. I used to love reading so it makes me sad that I don’t do it much anymore but I know that now when I read it just feels like a race to the end that meant I hadn’t fully enjoyed the story and then an overwhelming sense of satisfaction that comes with reaching the end which means I don’t want to pick up another book. 

My most recent book purchase has been Mercury and Me by Jim Hutton and I’m so excited to get into it because to get a glimpse of Freddie Mercury, a man I’ve idolised my whole life, and the man he loved seems incredibly intimate and just exciting!!!

Oh yeah I also need to watch the news more often because I missed so much this year and caught on so late, for example, I only learnt about a month ago that they cast a woman for Doctor Who! To be fair, I haven’t watched the show since the first episode of Peter Capaldi really (who I hadn’t realised had gone either, whoops) but still I'm sure that that would’ve kicked up some controversy. Also, wtf is going on in Parliament. I saw a headline saying ‘Corbyn could be PM by Wednesday’ and then there was a vote of no confidence that didn’t work and we still have no clue what’s going on with Brexit. I used to be up-to-date with all of this because I used to study politics but ever since I’d sat that exam and jetted off on my holiday I’ve turned a blind eye to it all. Even forgot the number of MPs in Parliament the other day. Embarrassing.

Anyway, this is all very rambly and I’m coughing up a lung so should probably go to bed.

TTFN

PS. I also need to knuckle down with my studies, clean my room (and keep it clean!) and be better with money!!!

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Sbeen a while

So yeah, as expected, I let everything slide.

Let’s start with the positives of what’s happened while I’ve been away:

I did well on my first essay- it was only a practice so it doesn’t actually count but I was very pleased, regardless. 

I did well on my second assignment, which actually does count! Amazing.

I got a job! Only as a seasonal temp but it’s something to put on the CV, eh?

But then:

On my first ever biomed exam- where the pass mark was 40%- this bitch got 39%. I can’t retake so I just have to do really well on the next one (which is apparently harder) to balance it out. FFS.

I’m on a break with my boyfriend because I have no idea how I feel- incredible.

I’m now on a 6 week break of guilt and anxiety about whether or not I can actually do this degree and whether or not I will pull my finger out to do some work over this break.

I’m also ill now: swollen throat, blocked nose and pain through the throat and ears when I swallow. So I had to take a sick day off of work (to be fair, on an extra shift that I accepted and I contacted them 3 hours in advance so that wasn’t so bad. But I can’t afford- and I mean literally can’t afford- to miss anymore work- I want to buy my mate a day or two out to the spa (thank God for that overdraft).

But yeah, I haven’t been on here in ages, my room’s a shit-tip, the only relationships I can maintain are platonic and I’ve already messed up on my degree within the first 3 months. 

GO ME!

Love,

A complete mess

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Omg I have my first uni essay due in two weeks and I don’t even know where to start. Luckily it’s only formative but I still want to do well you know? It’s good practice. But gee wizz I’m stressed.

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Chris by Camille Vivier

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ill be sappy whenever i want. i dont give a shit. i love you. fuck off

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I’m gonna cry

he can get all the treats

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here to cleanse you of all ur sins

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Fangirling-> Being content

So, as most teenagers are guilty of, every now and then I became obsessed with things. Be it bands, singers, musicals, TV shows, -even YouTubers!- and the feeling those things gave me were unlike other ones I could identify that I can only recognise them as ‘fangirling’. 

Like, you know that feeling when you just can't get enough of something and you’re almost hungry for it like something happens in your heart and the pit of your stomach when you think about it and you just can’t stop thinking about it? 

Well I thought I was too old to ever feel this way again but, honestly, 'Heathers’ has taken over my life. Not even just specifically either the musical or the film I’m just obsessed with the whole concept and everyone who takes on these roles. Also, the musical is incredible. The way they’ve adapted the film is amazing, like JD in the film saying ‘Our love is God’ you’re like yeah it’s weird but, personally, I didn’t think it was all that notable but then to turn that one line into a whole song and then a reprise?! GENIUSSSS.

But yeah, the purpose of this post was just to say that fangirling over something is almost a sad thing because you can’t do anything but observe. I went to see the musical on the West End last night and it was incredible and I kept making awkward eye contact with the cast (I was in the fourth row but this is besides the point anyway). But I left the theatre at the end of the night obviously buzzing but also kind of sad, I don’t know why I think there’s some part of me that wishes I had the talent for musical theatre (that cast is crazy talented- Jamie Muscato’s JD is terrifying and it’s brilliant!) but also I was just sad it was over like I loved living in that little world for a bit.

All day today I’ve been trying to understand why I’m feeling a bit... sad, I suppose, so this blog is helping me figure it out. But as I was watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, this song came up (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctXYZWE_bCs) and one of the lines was ‘Life doesn’t make narrative sense’ and I know it’s kind of a jokey song but that hit me. I feel like any more I say is just going to be a repetition of what that song says but really I realised I just need to be content with my life. Enjoy the joy Heathers is bringing me right now and not worry about why I’m feeling sad- if you can't find the reason it’s probably not that deep to worry about, you know? 

I think I don’t fangirl as hard or as often as I did back in the day because I’m growing up and beginning to become a bigger fan of the people in my life, and becoming happier with who I am so I’m going to take this current obsession, enjoy it while it’s here and learn from it (it has a lot of lessons I’d really recommend it). 

Sorry all my blog posts are really rambly but it helps me deal with shit (I had no idea where I was going when I started it- it’s kind of like a therapy session).

Night

MMM

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REBLOG THIS IF

↝ you’re an active studyblr

↝ you love making new friends

↝ your followers are always welcome to message you!

i’m in serious need of some more studyblrs to follow and i’d love to interact with this community bc everyone is so warm and friendly and !!!! it’s the best

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My dad thinks I smoked weed

Yesterday I was drunk for about 12 hours it was so trippy like because I stayed awake the whole time my hangover started coming on while I was awake it was awful.

Anyway, I started drinking with my friends at 1, two of us shared a bottle of wine at dinner and then I went back to her flat and we had two vodka and orange each which was yummy but then I had to get the train during rush hour while I was drunk to meet another friend to drink some more. That was an adventure and we had a good time, blah blah blah. 

And then because we met so early we went home early and I got home at just gone 11 and I got into bed and I was so hungry like I really craved Papa Johns with the garlic butter, goddamn but yeah I called my brother to see if he was at home and if he wanted anything because I was gonna order it because I was very drunk and actually getting a bit emotional about the pizza. It turns out my brother was staying at my nan’s flat and he was like just get an Uber up here and we’ll have some pizza. So that’s what I did. And apart from my creepy uncle being there it was really nice and my brother smokes weed but I did not partake but my dad reckons that’s my motivation for going up there because I normally go on about how my brother annoys me but we’ve been getting on more recently.

But yeah it’s just been kinda awkward at home all day because I couldn’t convince him otherwise. Especially as my hair smelt of it. Big mistake. Hope he gets over it.

MMM

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Can’t believe hila’s pregnant ❤️

Ethan