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[msbessie-blog]

when the right thing hurts

So yesterday I had to put my mother in a long term care facility.  Or in other words, a nursing home. I have spent the last six-8 years working really hard to keep my mother home. See, my grandmother had Alzheimer’s and I saw the problems with moving her around and taking her out of her familiar surroundings. Every time she was moved, her mental capacity took a dive. 

My Mom is not an easy person. When my grandmother died I invited her to come live with us, knowing full well how challenging it would be, but not wanting her to be alone. She declined. She rarely participated in family events and usually declined to come over for dinner or go to church or what ever. She wasn’t taking care of herself. She was not managing her money well, not eating well and would never buy herself clothes or shoes. She began to look like a homeless person. It was breaking my heart. 

I began to pray and asked God to open doors for me and give me opportunities for me to help my mother. He did. Little by little I was able take over my mother’s finances, pay her bills buy her new clothes, shoes and outerwear. I made sure she always had food in the house and she began to spend a lot of time with us. She was seeing her grandchildren and great- grandchildren on a regular basis. She was flourishing in a way I really never saw. She was even going to church and loving it. The time I guess I always wanted to have with my Mom, I was finally having it. But she was forgetting and it was getting worse.

In the last two weeks she locked herself out of her apartment for an entire night, fell twice and did not change her clothes for 3 days. I had already been looking at assisted living or long term care but things got very serious very quickly. I had no choice. I had to put her in a safer environment. 

Now here’s the thing. I’ve been praying about this for some time. Everything I do for my Mom I put it to prayer and I ask God to please help me help my Mom. This long term care thing was really hard. I didn’t want to do it. I turned it over in my head so many times. I knew my Mom couldn’t stay with me because she needed 24 hour care which I could not give because I have to work. I tried to get help everywhere I could so she could stay in her home but it was not enough. And she was getting worse. I knew what I had to do but it was so hard. When she took that last fall and couldn’t remember I knew what I had to do. I took her to the hospital to have her checked because of the fall and told the social worker that it was no longer safe for my mom to be alone. 

My Mom is now in a nursing home. And I feel terrible. But here’s the thing. I know it was the right thing to do for my mother. I thank God for what He did because He made a way for my Mom to get into a really nice facility that I think she will actually enjoy because it’s huge and there are people all around. There’s activities she can participate in all the time and she won’t ever be alone. Nothing has to change in terms of all that I do with her. Actually it will probably be better because now I won’t be so stressed out with all I had to do for my Mom plus take care of my home and family and work. I won’t be worried about her being alone anymore. But I still feel bad. And I’m ok with that. I love my Mom. I want to do all I can for her. And I have. But she’s still getting older and her condition is still getting worse. And I am limited in what I can do. It’s sad, and today I’m very sad. But I thank God for helping me help my Mom. I thank God for the strength He gave me and the time I’ve had and still have with my Mom. And I thank God that He took over when He knew I just couldn’t anymore.