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anyone else wanna talk about how bad it hurts when you watch your best friend fall in love? how you feel like a horrible person for that bitter thought of jealousy? how you feel genuinely happy for them but on weak days you sob and scream that they've left you because even if it's not true yet, it will be someday.

someday you'll still be friends but their best friend will never be you again. you used to go to them with everything but now there's things you have to keep from them. how awfully that suffocating bitterness wedges you apart even though you're doing everything in your ever-dwindling power to not let it happen.

how you're in the car and it's not your shoulder they lean on anymore. it's not you they smile at first. sure, you still make them laugh, but they laugh at all the jokes their person doesn't make, too. you never quite measure up, and it's not a competition, you tell yourself, but it is, isn't it?

after everything, they're still your best friend, and you're gathering every piece of them you still get because another one slips away in the breeze with each passing day, week, month.

and you knew this would happen. you knew when it was still getting excited texts that their person answered their latest message, that soon they'd answer their person's messages first and leave yours for a while. you knew you wouldn't be able to talk about your deepest heart-wrenching insecurities because they all surround wanting what they have. and that's okay, it has to be okay.

but it still,

hurts.

and sure that makes you a bad person for feeling second-best.

but you are,

you are second best to them.

but they're still best to you.

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Last night I almost texted you. The thoughts were so invasive and I thought, “There’s no one here to stop me and no one would know”

I thought about what I would say. I had settled on “Hey is it okay for me to ask how you’ve been?”

And part of me felt like I simply wouldn’t get a reply or it would be a short one

But I want to know how you’ve been, just to see if you’d talk to me or ignore the message. But I guess I’m not brave enough to find out

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I’ve swallowed a lot of pills recently and this one is still stuck in my throat.

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I've had this pit in my stomach all day

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I just want to feel loved and wanted. I don't ask for much but for some people it seems to be much.

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Shadows (1959) dir. John Cassavetes

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Wanting to tell someone how much they hurt you and explain the pain to them but then forcing yourself to accept the fact if they really cared they wouldn’t have hurt you in the first place

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I hope that we can look back someday and talk about all the things we couldn't say.

k.b. // duncan laurence - loves you like i couldn't do

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I wonder why destiny let you into my life,

Only to take you out of it when I had already fallen too deep.

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I said I moved on, but truth is I saved some space for you in the closet of my heart. Just in case you decide to come back.

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Nothing is worse than regret, all the words left unsaid. Repeating in your head, over and over again.

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in the same way that we can’t control when or by what our heart breaks, if we get sad or angry or confused, the same way we can’t control what makes us burst into laughter or try to fight back a smile.. we cannot control who, when and where we fall in love. if someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, do not point fingers and put the blame on them, ‘cause it’s not their fault. it’s not your fault either. it’s nobody’s fault. is it sad? yes. are you allowed to feel heartbroken? of course, you have every right to. but do not blame someone for something they cannot control. this also applies if someone falls out of love with you or their feelings for you fade away. people are allowed to end things with you. people are allowed to not feel the same. i know it hurts, it really does and if you are heartbroken you should take good care of yourself and focus on healing your heart! whether it’s a secret crush, a fling that changes their mind or a relationship that’s ending, don’t blame yourself and do not blame them either. it’s nobody’s fault. sometimes life just has other plans for you.

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“Some people are good at loving, others are good at being loved. Two very different things. And some people, perhaps the luckiest of all, are good at being loved and giving that same love in return.”

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Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are simply toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren't inherently bad people, but they aren't the right people for us.

Daniell Koepke

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— Young & Beautiful ( The Great Gatsby )

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We could have been happy. I know that, and it is perhaps the hardest thing to know.

— Ally Condie, Matched