msdoubtful

[msdoubtful]

what's up? I haven't been here in a very long time. So, for today's update, I've reached the point in my degree where I'll be entering the most exciting and demanding phase of my career. We'll be deployed to our assigned school today. At the same time, I'm both excited and nervous. What may be lurking in that school for me? What kind of cooperating teacher would I have? Is it possible that I'll be paired with my favorite Filipino teacher? Will I be able to overcome the obstacles that I may face today? What's more, guess what? It's pouring cats and dogs outside!! Wish me luck on the first day of my internship as a teacher!

[msdoubtful]

Jhey, tumblr, I'm back! By the way, I'm a graduating student, and just a few days ago, I was working really hard to complete all of my first semester requirements before they were due. That's why it's taken me so long to get back to you. So, since I couldn't tell my boyfriend about this matter that has been bothering me, I'm going to tell you about it. I believe you are the best thing to share this with. I had a dream last night. Actually, it was a bad dream for me. In that dream, my BF's mother was upset with me over something insignificant, which embarrassed me greatly. It weighed heavily on my heart. In that dream, I could tell her mother didn't like me. When I awoke this morning, I was relieved to realize it had all been a dream. I couldn't stand it if it happened in real life. Even if it was just a dream, it made me consider the possibility that she doesn't like me and couldn't stand seeing my face every time I came over to their house. We girls are so instinctive that we can tell whether or not someone likes us. I could tell her mother didn't like me the first time I saw her. And I was correct when my boyfriend confessed to me two years ago that I was right with my thought. Her mom didn't like me the first time she saw me. It was so sad on my part. She didn't even know me yet, but she already disliked me. I just shrugged it off, although it was kind of embarrassing for me. That fact never left me, even though, after months of being in a relationship with him, his mother started to accept me. That was what my boyfriend said. Her mother even invited me over when my BF's sister celebrated her 18th birthday. And there were a few occasions when she was looking for me. I was glad that somehow, she tried to accept me as her son's girlfriend. However, as the months flew by, I still wondered why my instinct didn't totally leave me. It made me overthink a lot. When I visited their house, I never conversed with his mom. I always felt within me that she still doesn't like me, even up to now. 

I still had a gut feeling she'd never like me. It makes me believe that my dream is a warning to me not to be overly confident with her mother. What if she was only smiling at my face, but she despised me so much on the inside? That's why I didn't always feel at ease visiting my boyfriend's house. I sincerely hope that my hypothesis is far from the truth.

[msdoubtful]

There was a certain time in my mundane days where I found myself stumbling onto an instant meditation while staring at my unkempt reflection in the mirror. Talking to myself is what I usually do, but that time it was sort of otherwise. I came to the off-putting realization that these past few months—due to the current crisis, mayhap—I seemed to be running out of steam. My once overflowing enthusiasm waned into wit, leaving only an ounce of energy. Most of the time had been spent doing unnecessary things. I’d been paying less attention to how I came to terms with the situation I am currently in. I lazed around the house more than necessary, gorging myself on fiction that made me momentarily forget about the bedlam of reality. My methods of dealing with or should have dealt with my life became unproductive, slow, and monotonous.

I lost faith in myself just as I lost faith in the possibility that everything would go back to normal. The prosaism of my conduct absolutely slackened my equilibrium.

It was when I also realized that I’ve been burying myself deep down in the avalanche of self-doubt and self-deprecation. Just how I let my perception be cloaked in the brume of insecurity. A form of toxicity indeed—but what am I supposed to do? Every time I saw a group of beautiful people on my timeline, I couldn’t help but admire and feel envy. They possessed the things I’d been wanting for myself, which there was no way I could ever get a chance to have.

 

Intelligence, skill, beauty, talent, and whatever else shows perfection. (Perfection that is defined by the ill-mentality of people, which I am so aware of, but I somehow allowed it to affect me, maybe because I’m too desperate.) Their silly idea of perfection warped my mind in a way that was so depressing. I am so well-aware that I am vertically challenged and short on looks. Maybe I possessed some kills, but not excellent enough to rouse appreciation and praise. Unlike those certain people I knew who, beyond doubt, could always hear praise almost every minute of their lives. (I know, my way of thinking is depressingly unhealthy). compliments? Not everyone gets the chance to hear that every day.

I had this belief that appreciation and praise were what some people of my kind needed to fuel their confidence back to its acme. (another inane belief) praises that I longed to hear to feel important and wanted. (Toxicity at it’s finest)

As my brief meditation came to an end, I realized how abhorrent I had made myself over the months. I realized it’s about time I changed myself. Nay, it’s my way of thinking that needs aid. I hated criticism, just the way I hated being unwanted. But it’s one of the main ingredients that we, as people, need to embrace in order to have a better, well-balanced life. I'm already aware of what I lacked. Self-esteem and self-value If there’s someone who we need more than anyone else in this world, I think it’s our own selves. I realized that God—the creator of everything living and non-living—treasures and values us no matter how imperfect we are. We must be like that. I must be like that. I had to put my insecurity and envy to an end. 

Maybe you don’t measure up to your standards. Maybe your performance lately feels pitiful. God doesn’t care about that. He loves and values you because he made you. He has plans for you that you can’t even imagine. Trust Him. He gave up his life for something precious—you. Quoted from the book of Max Lucado, One God, One Plan, One Life.

[msdoubtful]

—Marie Howe, from Magdalene Afterwards in "Magdalene: Poems"

[msdoubtful]

I'm very secretive person. Honestly, there's a lot of things that I kept in myself and kept unknown to any of my friends, family, or even in my boyfriend whom I've trusted the most. It's not that I don't trust them enough. I just believed that something is better off unspoken and better left unknown. Or perhaps I'm just afraid that they might judge me for it. And they might invalidate my feelings. This is likely the real reason.

So what I'm about to say is something that I have never told to anyone, even to my best friend. I hope u will never judge me for this. Okay, so there's this one particular girl that I really looked up in soc med. I personally do not know her and have never met her before. I followed her in facebook and added her as my fb friend. So the reason why kilala ko siya and I know about some events of her life is that because crush siya dati ng boyfriend ko. Nanliligaw pa lang ang boyfriend ko dati sakin and while in the process, we got to talk about our past and failed relationships and his crush as well. There was that time he mentioned to me his crush na hindi niya daw niligawan kasi mataas ang standard tsaka rich kid. Oút of reach daw kumbaga. I didn't mind about that at first. Pero aaminin ko, as a woman with so much insecurities, medyo nasagi yong pride ko. I then told myself mentally, so was I an option then? However my bf told me that he was sincere of his intentions for me and he did have feelings for me that time and slight lang naman daw yong pagka-crush niya don sa girl. I felt his sincerity and i saw his effort in pursuing me. Wala naman talagang issue don sa pagka-crush niya, honestly. Pero dahil nga wounded yong ego ko, I searched for the girl's account in fb and stalked her profile. What i did was adding insult to injury dahil the more I got to know her, and the more I saw her, the lower my self-esteem went. My confidence level sped down to the lowest. She's everything I'm insecure about and just couldn't blame my boyfriend for having a crush on her. She got talent, intelligence, beauty– everything a girl could ask for. Apart from that qualities, she's also an independent woman and a girl with big dreams. What about me?? That was the time that I started to doubt myself, that i started to question my worth. I'm just nothing compared to her and I couldn't help but compared myself to her. That's when I asked myself what did my bf see in me. I absolutely got nothing to prove. I ain't flawless, not tall, not fair, not smart enough, not rich, nothing to be proud of.

I never told him about what I felt. He has shown me how great his love is for me and I never doubted it pero nandon pa rin yung pain na dulot ng insecurities ko sa crush niya. Sobrang mali ng na-fefeel ko but I didin't have any control over my emotion. For years,mula nong naging official kami ng boyfriend ko, I still secretly stalk her. My bf doesn't know any of it and I would never tell him about that kasi by admitting it to him, mas lalong mada-down ako. Mas lulubog ang confidence ko. I don't hate the girl, honestly, I've grown to admire her. The more I looked into her life, like what i sometimes felt to a book, I was hooked. I always look for an update about her by stalking her timeline and it becomes a hobby. A hobby that I wished to stop but I could not. Sa dami-dami ng name-meet ko na magagandang babae, sa kanya lang ako nagkaroon ng ganoong insecurities. Siguro dahil nga minsan na rin siyang nagustuhan ng boyfriend ko. I know my mentality was really messed up and I don't know how to fix this but up to now I'm trying. More than two years na kami ng bf ko but tumatatak pa rin sa puso't isipan ko yong sinabi niya noon na "Gwapa gani tong isa wala gani nako panguyabi." (He was pertaining to his crush, which that time was his workmate's best friend.)

Aware na man ako na sobrang mali na i-stalkin ko pa rin yung girl but I just can't help it. I may look desperate but hindi talaga masama yong intention ko. I've grown to like her(without my bf's knowledge), tas gusto ko lang talaga makita how her life is doing. Through the years, she became my inspiration and I like how her life goes on. Kahit ngayon nga updated pa rin ako sa buhay niya. She also became the reason why i want to make myself better.

For my bf, how I wish sana hindi mo na lang sinabi sa akin na crush mo siya.

And another thing, kahit masakit, alam ko dati, nong first month natin, you may not admit this pero crush mo pa rin sya noon. And u enjoyed her company while we're in a relationship. Crush isn't that deep, pero knowing that u enjoyed her company hurts like hell.

Actually dapat ko na talagang kalimutan yun. My boyfriend never cheated on me tsaka love niya talaga ako for sure. I wasn't assuming. But hindi madali mawala yong crush diba? So nong time na tulog ako sa kwarto niya, I overheard them talking sa kabilang room, (bumisita kasi yung girl sa kabilang room which is sa best friend niya pero wala don ang best friend niya kaya naghintay siya doon. And my boyfriend, nakikisaing don sa kabilang room kasi close din sila nong best friend ng girl at lagi siyang pinapahiram ng gamit. Tulog ako that time at binantayan nong boyfriend ko yong saing niya sa kabilang room kaya they got to talk. I heard them talking non-stop.I waited for him na bumalik pero hindi pa rin sya umaalis that time sa kabilang room, not until umuwi na yong girl.) Naiimagine ko na while talking to her, he prolly had butterflies on his stomach and it hurt like hell.

Kaya siguro, yan din ang dahilan kung bakit di nawawala yong insecuritues ko. I have to love myself more, pero minsan ang hirap.

Back to the girl, she has no idea probably. She treated my bf as friends lang naman and may iba din siyang bf. She has no idea about me, about my insecurities, about my hobby of stalking her. She's not even aware about my issue. Ewan ang gulo ng story ko ano. Pero yung pabg-stostalk ko talaga sa kanya ngayon, it's pure admiration. Masaya ako how well she's doing with her life right now and she's inspirational. I'm trying to get better guys, promise.

[msdoubtful]

I met a smart and a very well spoken lady. She spoke like a radio DJ, and every time she showed up in the room, she radiated incredible wisdom. She's confidently gorgeous and moves with so much poise. In my head, i wish i had that confidence and wisdom. I'm just a typical girl with nothing to prove.

[msdoubtful]

You know what, there's literally no single moment where I become certain of something. I dunno about you, but I always doubt and will always be pessimistic about everything I do. 

Dis mindset sucks!

[msdoubtful]

This evening, I'm so full that i can't breathe. Thank you, God!

[msdoubtful]

So I do cover too..not that great but it's somehow bearable.

[msdoubtful]

Hello tumblr, I'm back! Okay, so first off, i don't have anything sensible in mind that I could put into words right now. I just feel like saying something just for the idea of posting something. 😆Anyway, how do I feel at the moment?neutral. I'm not ecstatic or sad either. I know I'm blessed and I'm glad for it. But there's just no particular thing that makes me happy today, and no particular reason that saddens me. No I'm not levitating that something has to come and make me sad right now. I'm still hopeful that this day could bring me joy . But if something came up that would make me gloom, I'm hopeful that it could be easily shoved away. So that's it.

[msdoubtful]

It's so scary how things could just change drastically. Guilt washes over me right now.

We're about to have dinner together and I don't think barbeque could ever change his mood.

[msdoubtful]

Today, I feel like I've just done something offensive. And I think I've unintentionally hurt him.