msleonard-blog1

[msleonard-blog1]

Am I in control or really am I out of control?

The one thing I have notice is control is a big part of my disorder. When so much goes on that is out of my control. Food was the one thing I felt I could control. But it becomes routine it becomes having rituals.

Think about it..if someone hurt me I starve myself, if life gives me too much I can handle I starve myself, or a big event i have to shower and dress for i starve myself. So am I really in control or out of control?

I mean why would I want to hurt myself because you fucked up or hurt my feelings? Because it's euforoc. It's like an addict getting high. I just can't stop most days. I start to miss my rituals or my routines.

I am building new routines that I hope will keep me going on the path I so strive to walk on. FACT I WOULD NOT WISH MY LIFE ON MY WORST ENEMY! the constant battle that leaves me so drained I am asleep by 8pm.

The battle in itself is a routine..within 5 minutes of waking up I know what kind of day it's going to be. And some mornings I really have to prey to make sure I make it. I have to get the mojo going to make sure I do what's needed and I am not just talking about food. It's making sure I shower or put make up on for work. It's to make sure I put on a smile and let everyone know it's all ok on my end.

As I sit here and type I ponder how many calories my planned dinner is going to have and what else i have consumed through out the day. Not all days are like this but some are. And some are filled with smiles and playing ball with my dog.

I wish I could control understanding. This is a hard issue for most to understand. I mean it's food how can I be afraid of food. But i am. And I am lucky to have the family I do but i know I have put a lot on them. You know my husband says of I truly loved him I could get better for him. Lord I wish it was that easy but it's about loving myself and knowing if I am worthy or Not. Heck if it was about not loving him I could just leave problem solved and I am healed! It's not that I don't love him or my family it's not even that I don't want to get better but let's just say shit comes up that in am afraid of or can't handle and I am back in it. Again I can't control situations or people so I do what I do and the cycle begins over and over.

Rituals and routines is what I need or feel that I need. Now I need to find ones that are helpful not hurtful. Progress not perfection.

Faith and love

[msleonard-blog1]

Most call him ED but my love is named Fred.

When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answers were always a vet or a counselor never ever was it a woman living with an eating disorder who wants and probably killing me. Who's life is ruled by it on a daily basis. Most people call the voice ED I can't because I have a wonderful ED in my life so I call him Free.

Fred showed up my life about 20 years ago and we have had a very strong relationship since. I lived in denial most of the time..oh I am just picky or don't worry I will eat when i get home. Than about 5 years ago it all came to the front of the line.

While home with my husband I woke up on the floor to him slapping my face. When it happened the 2nd time he called 911. When asked by the doctor what happened I said I was roofied at the bar we were watching the OSU game. Plain and simple that's what it was. He laughed in my face and told me I was a skeleton and he thinks that has something to with it. So ya he was right low potassium, low blood pressure, and dehydration will get you an ambulance ride.

So now here I am..all these things being thrown in my face by husband and family. What do i do now? Where do I go from here? Therapist number 1..she was a sweet lady but I knew within 2 minutes I could fool this lady and that was perfect. I went weekly. I talked some B.S. and that was good until my support system was like why is this not working.

Ok so I find therapist number 2 and she is a few more numbers as we have broken up and have gotten back together a few times..the difference with her no way I could B.S. her..she called my bluffs and knew what I was going through. So I thought hmm maybe it's time to get serious. And the roller coaster has officially has started.

The talks of being sent away,the talks of what my brain is like and the talks of how long will I last. The problem is i almost didn't care for a long time. I went everywhere and started a dietician who gave me a meal plan i never followed. Fred and I were fine he didn't mean to cause me any problems.

What i didn't know at that time is all he was going to do is hurt me. Mentally and physically. In the past 5 years Fred has caused many stays at the hopsital..from my potassium constantly low to even my left lunge collapsing. You think I would get it but nope. The problem is and was I don't do enough work on the inner me and my thinking.

Anorexia is a symptom of my thinking.. and if I am not careful it's going to be my end as well.

More to come..

Love and light..