mstonecollins

[mstonecollins]

Update on a personal journey

A personal update...

As I've posted previously, after more than 30 years in business I retired from the full-time corporate world on 12/31/2017. After devoting the vast majority of that time to my work and career, I had a few ideas at the time on how I would try to make the most of my "second chapter".

The (partial) list:

Spend more time with my wife and my daughter. ✅

Travel. ✅

Exercise. ✅

Play more golf. ✅

Establish an Executive Coaching Practice. ✅

By any measure, I've been very fortunate and very blessed. However, in spite of the change of lifestyle (stress levels? what's that?) my health was not what it needed to be to fully enjoy the type of activities I have planned over the next 20+ years (God willing; hopefully my parents have blessed me with their very good longevity genes!). Years of focus on work versus my health and healthy habits (a choice) had left me overweight with slightly elevated blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and their corresponding daily medications.

I'm a little taller than average (6'3") and have always been a "healthy" (e.g. large!) size--listed at 215 pounds in my senior year of high school. 10+ Years ago, I received a WiFi connected scale and have monitored my weight daily since. (from Jim Collins' book, Good to Great-leaders have to confront the brutal facts!).

On February 22, 2022 (2/22/22), I stepped on the scale and a number flashed that I never thought I would see. I found myself roughly 24 months away from age 60 and thought, this is it; I took the date and the number as a sign, a wake up call. I looked at the data and the undeniable trend and realized If I didn't change my habits, a few years later I'd be carrying 300 pounds on my frame into my 60's-along with the associated health risks and impacts.

I'm going to take a moment here to state an obvious point-this post is designed for one thing and one thing only - to encourage anyone facing a similar health challenge. It is not a judgement or commentary on whatever body style or shape any other individual may choose for themselves. There is no one answer for everyone-it's a personal journey based on what's right for the individual and their circumstance. For anyone contemplating a course of action to review and improve your health, I'd suggest you first connect with your physician. My doctors consistently recommended changes annually for the last 20 years. I listened, but didn't act.

As I contemplated my plan, I took the approach that I give to my executive coaching clients--things that are very easy to say, but very difficult to actually do. Straightforward and simple, but challenging. Everyone is different, but for me excess weight is primarily due to consumption of too many carbohydrates--bread, fries, chips (and of course beer!). I love them all but they don't love me. I cut them from my diet that day.

Progress was slow at first, but when my body realized it wasn't getting its daily replenishment of carbs, the pounds started to drop off--3 months in, I was down a little over 30 lbs (~10 pounds a month) --and feeling much better. But I was hitting a plateau...about that time, a good friend mentioned intermittent fasting. I checked into it and liked what I saw. It worked for me and my progress continued.

Fast forward to this week - approximately 18 months later - I have reached my stretch goal. I haven't seen a number that started with a 1 since junior high school! Even better, my physician has released me from all medications relating to conditions affected by my weight.

Insights I've gathered over that time:

-It's difficult, but doable. If I can do it, anyone can.

-It's a marathon, not a sprint. It will take time-set your expectations accordingly.

-Regular measurement is the key to accountability.

-Planning is underrated. For me, "bad" food choice decisions and lack of meal planning are inextricably linked.

-Understand that your habits may not be in sync with your family; work to accommodate them.

Give yourself some grace. It took you a lifetime to get to this point.

[mstonecollins]

As we pause to honor the life and legacy of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King tomorrow, I’d like to take a moment to honor another great African-American leader that we lost earlier this week-Coach Napoleon Cloud.

https://journalnow.com/sports/high-school/longtime-high-school-basketball-coach-napoleon-cloud-has-died-he-coached-at-west-forsyth-and/article_58b5752a-5754-11eb-a388-5f74b0f03841.html

Coach Cloud’s head basketball coaching career spanned more than 38 years. His guidance, wisdom, and leadership prepared hundreds of young men for the next level, including the Atlantic Coast Conference and even a select few into professional basketball careers in the NBA and abroad (highlighted in the attached article). He also helped a generation of young men prepare for life beyond basketball.

Coach Cloud was part of an era of basketball greatness in my home state of North Carolina-the 1970’s and 80’s were a special time to be a basketball fan. Dean Smith was the reigning coaching great at the center of the college basketball world - the Atlantic Coast Conference - at the University of North Carolina; and in 1980 a young upstart named Coach K showed up at Duke University. The North Carolina high school basketball scene was also bustling with talent; several local and state high school players I watched would go on to outstanding careers in College and the NBA. Players like James Worthy of Gastonia Ashbrook; Dominique Wilkins from Little Washington; and a 1981 graduate of Wilmington’s Laney High you may have heard of-Michael Jordan.

In the fall of 1980, I tried out for Coach Napoleon Cloud’s basketball team at West Forsyth Senior High School and was fortunate to earn a spot on the varsity team. We had a little bit of a rebuilding year that year, but we were competitive and produced one Division 1 college basketball player… my friend and former teammate Darren Sawyer, who went on to a successful career at the Virginia Military Institute and in service to our country in technology for the Navy and other important executive roles.

In the fall of 1981, Coach Cloud welcomed us back for our senior campaign. There were no Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, James Worthy, or even Darren Sawyer level players on our team-just a bunch of kids from the City and the County that loved the game. Coach Cloud brought us together, taught us to work as a team, and led us to the Central Region AAAA conference championship that year, beating our arch rivals at Greensboro Grimsley High School not once, but twice-and in the championship game, which was especially sweet.

That experience was just part of the gift that Coach Cloud gave to me. His work ethic, his determination, his easy-going manner, his focus on doing what was right-every time, all the time made a lifetime impact on me. He taught me to be a student of the game-all parts of the game required to make a team successful-the hard work of defense and rebounding, strength and conditioning, versus just the fun parts of shooting and scoring. The importance of working together and building your teammates up. He didn’t back down from anyone, and taught me to do the same and have the confidence to face any challenge. I used to love to hear his story about holding former Boston Celtics great Sam Jones to a scoreless half when he defended him in a college game back in the 1950s. He gave me my first real leadership position in life-he named me a co-captain of the team my senior year.

Perhaps the most important lessons Coach Cloud taught me, however, went unsaid. He did what I refer to as “demonstrating the desired behavior”...he loved his God, and he was dedicated to his wife Joan and his son Napoleon Jr. He was humble but proud-proud of his team, his community, and his family. He loved his players and helped them every way he could. He was a role model for strength, decency, honor, and integrity. He always “had your back”.

I was blessed to speak with him a few years back, after I had begun to enjoy some semblance of success in the business world. I thanked him for everything that he had done for me and for the impact that he made on my life and my career. As usual, he was humble and unwilling to take credit… credit he so richly deserved.

Coach Cloud was a great man, and he will be missed. I was fortunate to play for and be coached by him.

[mstonecollins]

Last Thursday, we celebrated the life of this great man. I’m grateful to God that I was able to visit him one last time (August 28) before he went to be with his Lord and Savior. We lost him too soon, only 61 years old. I’m so very sorry for his earthly loss —- my cousin Gregg and his wife Susan; his Father and my Uncle Jim; and his partner, soulmate, and wife of 27 years Jeannine. “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted”. Matthew 5:4

I’ve been fortunate to know and work with some important people in my life, and I’ve learned to appreciate all they’ve done for the communities and companies that they served. But I have never seen an outpouring of support as I did for the service of Randy. He touched so many lives as a teacher, as an athletic trainer, as an emergency services medic, and rescue squad member for over 40 years. I stood in line for four hours on Wednesday evening shaking the hands of those who came to pay their respects, from all walks of life. There’s no greater blessing than to bless the lives of others. Based on what I observed that evening and the following day, Randy had no peer.

He makes me proud to share the Collins name with him. Rest In Peace and Godspeed Randy, you are missed more than you could ever know.

[mstonecollins]

My Parents Planned Ahead and It Helped Me...Maybe It Can Help You Too.

As I posted on Sunday, this past Father’s Day I lost my Dear Father.  I was fortunate in so many ways, including the preparation that he and my Mom did to make sure their wishes were clear as they entered the final stages of their lives.  I share this with you today to continue to further my Dad’s work—to help others.

I need to declare here that I am not a lawyer and accordingly this is not legal advice and should not be taken as such! These insights are simply my opinions based on my experiences.  Everyone is different, so I am sure some of what I share below may not work or apply to your personal situation, but I’ve tried to lay things out in a straightforward manner for you to pick and choose as the particulars relate to your family situation.

It’s better to prepare for a debilitating health event before it happens.

Even if you’re fortunate enough for your parents to live a longer than average life (currently U.S. average life expectancy is 78.7 years according to Google), sooner or later you’ll face the challenge of a debilitating health event.   An experience that will forever change their way of life and ultimately lead to their path of departure from this life.  For my Mom, it was a stroke at age 79.   For Dad, it was a fall in his home that broke his hip.  I remember when I got the phone call that fateful night, wondering if this could be the beginning of the end.  He had the surgery to repair it, was in rehab, and seemed to be on the (long) road to recovery.  Not long after, however he suffered an infection that in his weakened state his 90 year-old body simply wasn’t strong enough fight off.   Just over three weeks after the initial accident, he passed away.

Fortunately for me, given what they had experienced with their immediate and extended family relatives over the course of their lives, they thought through what might happen at some point, and how they’d like to be cared for.  They proactively created a Medical Power of Attorney, clearly indicating their wishes as to how they wanted care administered when they could no longer communicate and advocate for themselves.  They discussed it with my brother and I and made sure we had copies.  Until I was sitting with my Dad as he slipped away on Father’s Day, I had never realized just how courageous, thoughtful, and selfless he was to take that measure.  I was a wreck, but somehow at peace knowing he was dying as he lived-on his own terms.  I can’t imagine what other families must go through when they don’t know their loved one’s wishes and are forced to make tough choices on their behalf.  My Dad faithfully remained at my Mom’s bedside in a skilled nursing care facility for the two and a half years she lived after she had her stroke…but he knew that wasn’t where or how he wanted his life to end.  He wanted to live out his life in the home in they raised a family and lived together more than 50 years.  And that’s what he did.

It’s great not to have to make tough decisions about funeral services, write obituaries, find burial plots, and lots of other items in the immediate aftermath of the death of your parent.  

My folks knew the end would come sooner or later, so they prepared for it.  My dear Mom didn’t want to leave the important details of exactly how she wanted their services to be administered  to her two sons with busy families and careers, so she did it herself!  Literally.

When she gave me this document the first time, I waved it off and said I didn’t want to talk about it.  She made me sit down at the dinner table (where all important family discussions always occurred!) and read it with her.  What a blessing.  As you can see, she literally left nothing to chance!  For that I am forever grateful.   Without her, I am not sure I would know just how important my Dad’s military service was to him (WWII Army Veteran).  

He wanted the full military honors that every honorably discharged veteran is accorded (gun salute, flag draped coffin, and playing of Taps), and we made sure he got it.  When one of our brave military service members folds the flag and hands it to you and says,  “on behalf of the President of the United States and a grateful nation, thank you for his service”, it’s meaningful.  

He didn’t think he was special, he just though he was doing what he was supposed to-his duty to his Country and his fellow Americans.  I was always proud of my Dad, but I’m not sure I ever felt a surge of pride as strong as I did on that hot summer Friday afternoon as we laid him to rest.

Mom and Dad decided long ago that they wanted to be buried together in the cemetery of the Church my Dad grew up in, just a couple of miles from the family farm. It’s a beautiful spot with a view of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Northwest North Carolina.  He bought those plots in 1986…more than 25 years before he would need them.

How to minimize the time-consuming impacts of will probate process—Thanks Dad.

Dad learned a lot in his experiences as the executor of the wills of a couple of his family members. Armed with that knowledge, he did all he could to make the transition as easy as possible for my brother and I (we are serving as co-executors of his estate).   Wills can be complex and potentially a burden for your heirs depending on where they live, what stage of life they are in, etc.  Here are a few things I’ve learned from his example along the way:

There’s no substitute for a clear, unambiguous will. Assuming you’re confident in the ability of your heir(s) to manage to your expectations, the simpler the better. In our case, my Father’s property was to be distributed in equal shares to my brother and me.  He gave us direction verbally on what he wanted done for the grandchildren and others, but left it for us to execute versus control in the will via the legal process.

You need to know the location of the actual original will (usually a lock box or in the offices of the attorney), as the attorney you choose to probate the will and the Court do not accept copies-only the original will do.

Liquid Financial Assets Flexibility.  In order for liquid monetary assets to avoid the probate process and to keep cash available for the heirs (for funeral expenses and other costs that arise after death) it’s important to take certain measures with the accounts while the parent is alive.   Make sure all financial accounts (checking, brokerage, etc.) are JWROS (Joint with Right of Survivorship), POD (Payable on Death), and TOD (Transfer on Death) for your heirs.   If you aren’t sure, a call to the financial institution can easily clarify.  

Any accounts set this way go directly through to the heirs, and are not subject to the probate process.  This was easy for us; as a service to them, I took over the bill-paying process for my Dad over 10 years ago as his eyesight no longer enabled him to administer those types of every day affairs.  For his brokerage account, all it took was one trip to the office to set up new accounts for my brother and I to split the proceeds.

Following my Dad’s example, I’d opine that it is helpful It’s to make an inventory of all of the property while they are with you and review it with the family.  As you approach the end, it helps to simplify/liquidate as much as you can—he sold off some real estate 10+ years so we wouldn’t have to deal with it after the fact.  It’s helpful to leave your heirs with the least complications you possibly can; for my Dad, the estate is only having to deal with two pieces of real estate, and some savings bonds that were payable on death to my Mother, who pre-deceased him.   I know that if he realized it would cause a challenge with the probate process, he would have liquidated them long ago!

Please understand that I would have done anything for my Dad, and find joy in doing it—a labor of love so to speak.  In some ways, I believe God led me to retire from full time work last year for many reasons, one of which was to deal with this series of events.  But in making these preparations, my Dad died as he lived—thinking of others, not himself. He gave us all the opportunity to gather as a family and celebrate his life.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

[mstonecollins]

A tribute to my Father

My Father passed away on Father’s Day, 4 weeks ago today.  on Friday June 22, I delivered a Eulogy at his funeral. It was the hardest public thing I’ve ever done--and I thought I would share it today in his honor.

------------

I’m honored to stand before you today to celebrate the life of my Father.  I promise to do my best, but I’ll ask your forgiveness in advance if I am unable to complete today’s mission.  

There are many “naming” associations in life I am proud of…Kim’s Husband; Lauren’s Father; John Junior’s Brother; Douglas and Rachel’s Uncle.   Family is truly all that matters in this life.  The greatest of these—and where it all started—is being known as John’s Son.

As some of you know I retired last December after more than 30 years in business.  Over the course of my career I was fortunate enough to rise to a position of responsibility beyond anything I’d ever imagined—one of the top 100+ executives of a Fortune 10 Global Company with more than 250,000 employees.

Any success I enjoyed in the business world started with the foundation my Father instilled in me -- leadership principles I utilized over these past 30+ years.   Absent his coaching and development, it simply wouldn’t have happened.  As a tribute to him, I’d like to share three of them with you today as a testament to the kind of Father, Leader, Husband, and Friend he was over the course of his 90 years on earth.

HUMILITY

According to Jim Collins-not my Uncle Jim, but a world-renowned professor at Stanford University, author of best-selling leadership books like “Good to Great” and “Built to Last”, the difference between a very good leader and a world class executive can be distilled down to the existence of a single trait:  Humility.  He explains it like this:  In the sports world, head coaches that personify these humble leaders credit the talent of their players when the team wins championships.  When the team loses, they shoulder the blame, and take the responsibility for providing the team with the necessary preparation or game plan that would allow them to be successful.

This principle is critical to get groups of people to work together for a common goal.  Whether people admit or not, human beings enjoy being recognized for their hard work and their role in achieving a goal. Leaders that attempt to take credit for their team’s success don’t have successful teams or talented players very long.  

As my brother can attest, Pop demanded humility from his boys during our formative years. No self-aggrandizing behaviors were tolerated in any way, shape or form!  Any inkling of hot-dogging, trash talking, bragging, or basking in the limelight on the basketball court or baseball field would be met afterward with a stern-and I mean stern! rebuke.  He knew what our young minds could not comprehend—business and life are team sports. You’ll rise and fall based on the capabilities of the people you surround yourself with. Be a good teammate-someone that values the individuals of the team and the overall team above yourself—and you can put yourself in a position to have the privilege to lead others, and be surrounded by great people that can lift you up.

SETTING EXPECTATIONS

Successful leaders set clear-and high expectations for performance.   If you don’t know what is expected of you, what are you supposed to do?  Show me a team or company that doesn’t have clear performance expectations, and I will show you a losing team or failing company. And, of course, expectations are pretty meaningless if you don’t put in the hard work it takes to achieve them. Perhaps Pop’s favorite mantras were “the harder I work, the luckier I get” and “Luck is when preparation meets Opportunity”.   I heard these words hundreds of times from him.

Pop set very clear and very high expectations for performance, whether it was work in the yard, personal behavior, academics, or athletics. I must confess that early on, I could get discouraged with his feedback.  No matter how many points I scored, games we won, or courses I succeeded in at school, he had the annoying ability to find something that I could improve upon.  He was never satisfied-or at least I didn’t think he was.  

At the time, I didn’t realize or appreciate the value of the gift he was giving me.  First, he was instilling the principle that all good leaders know well—people can always do more than they think they can. Left alone, as human beings we typically are content to reside within the confines of our comfort zones. Great leaders push us out of them-and get us to do more.  Second, expect the best from yourself, and then you can expect the best from everyone you work with.  Finally, it instilled self-confidence in me that I would need in the future to be successful.  My wife Kim would likely tell you that he outdid himself on that one!  In all seriousness, when he pushed me to do more—after I got over my anger and frustration and actually tried, I usually found success.  I gained confidence in knowing I could do more-and believed in myself, no longer needing a push from him. Over the course of my career, not once did I have a leader of mine have to ask me to do more.  I was trained by my Dad to set high expectations for myself and my teams, and more often than not, we out-distanced our internal and external competitors as a result.

Later in life, after he was satisfied that he’d done all he could do to shape me, he was always quick to let me know how proud he was of me…giving me reinforcement in my darkest hours, giving me the support and confidence I needed to keep moving forward.  Many Father’s Days over the last 15 years I would write him a simple note or tell him in a conversation—based on his leadership and the expectations that he set for me, that anything I did right in my life, he should take credit for; correspondingly, anything I did wrong he should be absolved from.  I knew what “right” was supposed to look like, which leads me to my final principle.

DEMONSTRATING THE DESIRED BEHAVIOR

People listen to what you say, but they watch what you do.

I’m sure you’ve heard this over the course of your life.  It means that people believe in you based on what they actually see you do.  Words, as we know, are just that.  But deeds matter.

I used to tell people that worked with me that when you’re in a position of leadership, what you do is on display 7x24x  365.  It’s a simple concept-they’re always watching you, whether you realize it or not.  What you actually do is far more impactful than what you say.  When faced with a crisis, do you remain calm or lose your cool?  Do you support people when they need time for a family member, or only when it is convenient for you?  When things go bad, do you take responsibility, or blame others?  When you are faced with illegal, immoral, or unethical behavior, do you join in, cover it up, or do the right thing?  When no one is looking, are you working hard or goofing off?  Can you be trusted to finish the job to the highest level even if no one stops by to inspect your work?

No man is perfect, but my Father consistently demonstrated the desired behaviors to me over the course of his 90 years on earth. Simple things he did spoke volumes—like the dedication he had to the company where he worked for more than 35 years, getting up every day and working hard-never complaining.  Not a single time-not once-did I ever hear him complain about his customers or co-workers.  Turning down job and career growth opportunities to keep his family centered in a place he knew was a good place to live and raise his sons.   Showing up for every single game of my high school basketball career, and hundreds of other sporting events over the course of my life growing up here in Clemmons.  Caring for our neighbor’s yard – the missionary daughter of the original property owners--for more than 20 years, never asking for anything in return. Offering support and assistance to another neighbor who tragically lost her husband with three small children; riding bicycles with the youngest child that lost her Father too young.  Being faithful to my Mother, and God, and the Churches that mattered to him – the Francisco Presbyterian Church, and the Clemmons United Methodist Church. Honoring my Mother with his presence at her bedside every day for the last two and half years of her life, navigating his way with the help of friends and his caretaker – and, as he referred to her, his “adopted daughter”—Bebee as he was unable to drive himself due to his vision challenges.  

In his later years, after my Mom died, in our conversations he’d often wonder why he was still here.   He knew his body was failing him, and he worried he was only a burden to those he loved. He’d then rebound and cheer himself up, thinking of all of his friends in the community, specifically the Clemmons Kitchen.  If he couldn’t do anything else, he thought God wanted him to show kindness to others, especially those who needed it most.  Based on how many people tell me “I love Mr. John”, I know he succeeded in what he thought God wanted him to do.   What I want you all to know is that he got more out of that than he gave, and he considered it a privilege to be able to give of himself to others.

A TRIBUTE

I’ll end with an anonymous writing that my Cost Accounting Professor at Duke provided to me back in the fall of 1993. As you can imagine, it must be pretty good if it was a Cost Accounting Professor-CJ Skender, a great guy -- not exactly my favorite subject-and it still resonates with me 25 years later.  I’ve often thought if Pop had written down his expectations, this might have articulated them.  More importantly, though, in my view, it’s what he actually did.  It’s titled “Live Each Day”.  It’s my tribute to him and my gift to all of you.

Live each day to the fullest.  Get the most from each hour, each day, and each age of your life.  Then you can look forward with confidence, and back without regrets.

Be yourself – but be your best self.  Dare to be different and follow your own star. Don’t be afraid to be happy. Enjoy what is beautiful.  Love with all your heart and soul.  Believe that those you love, love you.

Forget what you have done for your friends, and remember what they have done for you.  Disregard what the world owes you, and concentrate on what you owe the world. When faced with a decision, make that decision as wisely as possible – then forget it.  The moment of absolute certainty never arrives.

Above all, remember that God helps those who help themselves.  Act as if everything depended upon you, and pray as if everything depended on God.

Thank you, Pop for everything you’ve done for me. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without you.  I love you and will miss you more than I can say.