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I'm just having feels. They don't reflect on my life right now.

Alright, lets talk beauty. Growing up, I wasn't admired for my looks. I was seen as smart and patient and those were the 2 qualities that everyone spoke about. Which, in hindsight, I wasnt smart and I just didn't complain so that was seen as me being patient. Lets face it, I don't have a conventionally attractive face. I've dealt with that my whole life and I just started accepting it a few years ago. It sucks not only being average looking, but being below average looking. My self esteem has always lacked. I used to day dream about being attractive. Partly due to the fact that no one desired me (nerdy, pimple faced girl who loved to wear hoodies when the weather could only be described as hell on earth). The one who did like me turned out to be a psychopath turned mufti, the other one...Well, our families would have shunned us. And honestly, I think SM liked the idea of me but not me. Other than that, I was always the third wheel. In college I took a backseat from any sort of social life and only put my time and energy into school and work. Graduated summa but what was the point? I think I've always put so much emphasis on finding love. Like actual love. (maybe I should stop listening to these romcoms. urgh) I push it all back to not being conventionally attractive. All of my friends MashAllah are BEAUTIFUL so naturally men just gravitated towards them. Most relationships fizzled out and I think only 1 or 2 blossomed into a halal marriage. (yes, me not being in a relationship kept me away from that fithna and I know I know!! ) I'm literally asking myself WHY am I thinking about this when I have a whole ass commited husband that actually likes me. I don't know. Sometimes I don't know why my brain works like this. I've been feeling off. I finally started bleeding today. I'm so glad because that means the plan b worked. (or I hope?) 

Ok but appearances do matter right? After 10 years I finally feel good about the way I look. I'm confident in a lot of areas where I wasn't before. My boobs are saggy AF now but eh, that is nourishing young bodies for ya. But man.. What I wouldn't give to go back in time to be this confident. A little early-life delusion would’ve gone a long way

I'm also freaking WEEAKKKKK. F was having some words with FIL and W about lack of planning when we explained we had to leave for the lunch in 30 min. FIL went into a frenzy and F stuck up for us. WHY DID THAT PUT ME IN A GOOD MOOD. So annoyed.

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Urgh cramps are hitting harder today. But what's weird is there's no blood. Make that make sense doe. F doesn't know I took it. I don't even know why I took it. I mean, it was in my fertile days, and usually these pregnancies don't last so what's the point? I am all over the place. I know one thing for sure. I'm still mad at F. I don't care if he wants to see me at my full potential. Leave me the fudge alone. His constant need to be better and succeed is really getting to me. . It’s wild how invested he is in my personal growth while he rots like a forgotten banana in a therapy-less void. He’s not projecting, no no, he’s just a man ever so bravely outsourcing his freaking unhealed trauma onto the nearest woman with a pulse and a to-do list. Im wondering if his definition of personal development includes a swan dive into the abyss. BcbS, if you've stumbled upon this page somehow, I don't want to kill myself. I'm just upset. "Swan diving into the abyss" is forbidden in Islam. I would never do that.... Scouts honor? 

I know I promised not to delete anything but that's going to be so hard. Urgh I wish I could set ablaze these pages.

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I was minding my own business, planning a peaceful little trip qamaria with S —aka my version of cup filling bliss—when F hit me with, "of course. Its party time for you. This was suppose to be the only opportunity for you to catchup on life, in things you want to do. In teaching K without distractions, on building an inventory for your business. But we will use it to socialize instead" First of all, sir... That's too much respect. First of all, MAN CHILD,  I’m sorry, did I accidentally marry my father!?? Second, it’s rich coming from a man who’s been “thinking about” fixing the leaky faucet for six months like it’s a complex moral dilemma. Let’s be real- real real- he’s not mad at me—he’s mad at the fact that I still get shit done. He's always complaining about me not taking out the time to go on walks with him or force him to work out. Or even wake him up early. MANCHILD, if you cannot get your ass in bed by 10 pm I am not waking you up at 5:30. I can deal with only 4 hours of sleep. YOU cannot. Everything is my fault at this point. He gets to work late? My fault. Kids are loud? My fault. Him not eating healthy and losing weight? My fault. I will literally make him a plate but then he'll go snacking later. How is that my fault?! I just want him to be healthy but he needs to want to be healthy. This is not on me. Why is this rant turning into me analyzing his eating habits... Urgh hes so annoying. And omg he had the fucking audacity to tell me I used to be productive!!! Like I'm not productive anymore. I've been using that word a lot Audacity. I wonder if I'm using it right. And if I'm not, it's my word now and I'm going to use it as I please. 

The kids have officially entered their “summer camp chaos” era, and I swear they come home every freaking day like they’ve just returned from a week-long reality show called Survivor: unhealthy snack time edition. Everyday it's "this kid bullied me" or "the girls took off their hijabs and jilbabs" or today it was I talking about how someone was yelling "fight fight fight" on the playground. Is this was school was like? Seems unnecessarily chaotic. Urgh and they’re meeting kids with wildly dramatic personalities and then both of them are trying on every personality like they’re shopping at the weird little friend boutique. I guess this is real life though. Urgh I'm exhausted..I gotta sleep.

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Also, I recently rediscovered Florence the machine and I really hope she gets as big as Aurora. I knew her before she go famous ( Runaway was my jam while driving to GMU and i honestly really felt it. Both are trippy as fudge but you know what? So am I so it works out great. I love how confident I am in cyberspace.

Imogen heap is another one. Headlock and hide and seek is 🫶🏽 definitely not my usual but it's attached to certain memories that I just love.

The end.

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I journaled in the morning and its gone. Why is my T specifically being so spastic. Today was painful. Yesterday was a complete shit show of a day. But you know what? Maybe tomorrow will be better. That's what I have to have faith in, right? We were able to get my drawer cleaned today which was actually not as hard as I expected. I keep my clutch in there and of course because I've been so spacy I didn't even think about it when S found it. But you know what? It's not even that bad. She doesn't even know about our pipe/cigar past. It's probably not even a surprise at this point Hah!

Next week theres a field trip at the indonesian center. Do I want Ft to go? Maybe. But I think that decision is based purely on pleasing her. Not whats good for her. I found this book from KG where it would ask questions and I wrote out the answer. Man there is a lot of trauma in there to unpack. Like I didn't rewmember Katie and she showed up in the book. I remember how badly I wanted to go to her house and my parents wouldn't let me. It was a different time. They were first gen immigrants. Me using "buddy" to describe someone in my class was seen as obscene. Different mindset. But that didn't prevent everyone in the house from watching raunchy bollywood movies like DDLJ. That towel scene? The one where SRK is drunk and trying to come onto kajol? The audacity of that being ok still triggers me!

My long ass essay from this morning explained how insterad of blaming Appa I should probably blame my parents for not instilling enough confidence in me to 1) fight back 2) tell someone.

*mic drop*

also, unrelated, but what the actual F is going on in the world? I watch the news hourly and I want to throw some hands with some people.

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This weekend went exactly as expected. I had told F to grab something from my bag which of course had the notoriously taboo plan b. What's funny is that I even bought the off brand plan b thinking that it would evade prying eyes till I had the guts to take it. We'll see in 3 weeks what comes of it. Anyway, MT resembles a water buffalo at this point which is so bad for his health because HELLO , cousin marriage aka we get all the diseases twofold. He already has cholesterol issues and now maybe even liver issues. Also, why is my family secretive? It's like trying to get information out of anyone is seen as an attack on their integrity. Like YOURE THE ONE THAT DIDNT TELL ME. It's so frustrating. Back to plan b. Which should have been plan a. I got this long ass lecture in the middle of dinner about how we have to stick to Allah's plan and these things are what is wrong with America dah dah dah. But at the same time you told me 3 kids was enough. This is exactly why I didn't tell them about any miscarriages. NONE. Even AB knows about one of them and thats because it was linked to Chi. Sometimes I wonder if it was the continuous use of my laptop in my lap that causes all these problems. The Endo, PCOS, etc. Or maybe it's my incessant need to smell nice. But again, blame the effing genes. If my father, mamoos, and  Phopho have body odor issues WHY WOULDNT I? I blame cousin marriages again. Omg what's funny is that I can't even mention my disdain for cousin marriages and the problems they bring because S&Z are cousins. *Sigh* 

M is still in the picture for a potential for MT. But for us to be able to convince him she has to get braces. Or maybe she can get them after they get married. COUSIN MARRIAGES AGAIN. Maybe that's why they did it. You know the family. You know the girl. Seems like an easy enough pick. But seriously though, maybe that might not work .....

Ft and mine relationship is so strained with the camp going on. I blame the excess of sugar and just being around people with bad vibes. But I can't pull her out, it would impact our relationship even more. Urgh why is it so difficult to raise these kids. I'm so tired. K is so easy. I probably said that about the other 2 at this age as well. 

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I can't help but self-sabotage, even when things are going well—or maybe especially then. YES, ESPECIALLY THEN. It's like there's a part of me that doesn't believe I deserve success or happiness, so I subconsciously start tearing down everything I’ve built. I procrastinate, I overthink, I push people away, and I make decisions that I know will hurt me in the long run. It's frustrating because deep down I want to move forward, but some internal voice keeps whispering that I’m not good enough, that it's safer to fail on my own terms than to risk the pain of trying and still falling short. Why do I need enemies when I have me?

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Last night was fun. The annoying part is that it was fun. Annoying because thats all I could think about when I was praying this morning. Is that even allowed?? I mean, he is my husband and not some rando. I ended up praying again and focusing on the translations but man was it hard. (no pun intended. Or was it intended? Heh) But seriously though, a part of me is glad I got the IUD out. The other part is annoyed because who has time to track cycles? I miss the spontaneity of our sex life. And lets face it, protection is just blah. Anyway, apparently the hormonal IUD lasts a few weeks after removal so I hope the effects of it don't last. I'm hoping it doesn't affect my day to day like it did last week.

The power of innalillah. My gold set from Canada still exists because I haven't ever worn it. I decided to take it out for W's wedding and then guess what? I misplaced one of the earrings. I thought I lost it in SA and I looked everywhere. We got back on Sunday and that's all I did. Searching everywhere it could possible be. I forgot to say Innalillah this whole time. Feeling defeated, it's as if I was reminded to recite it. As soon as I did, I looked over at F's desk and it was right there! AH the power of Allah is unmatched.

My task list is sky high today. I really want to get everything done before I go to mabas. Should I dress up? Technically MT is back so I should dress up for Eid but do I need to? I probably should. Look at me, problem solving in real time.

OH. I got this book on libby for self hypnotization. I am having second thoughts and realizations about Appa and I really need to remember that day. I know reliving it might be a jarring task but I think it's necessary. I want to be able to show empathy towards her. I know what she did to me. She took away my childhood. But maybe she was dealing with her own traumas. She was a child. Its different when you're an adult and your frontal cortex is grown. But at 12 or 13 are you capable of making sensible decisions? I'm on the fence.

Today is going to be an amazing day. I can feel it.

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Today was interesting. I thought I'd start over and forget the past few days. I needed to run some errands so I decided to ask Ash if she wanted to go. This new family dynamic is so odd. Usually id just tell F where I was going and he'd decide if he wanted to keep me company or not. Now with the new addition, i have to ask my in laws before I take her anywhere because - patriarchy. I know W doesn't care but it's still weird. Also, I know how the family works so I need to make it as easy for her as possible. It took me years before I figured it out (or maybe I was just in denial). Anyway, I needed to get some stuff from la cantera and then lipstick/liner/eyeliner. It was nice to have someone there to talk to that wasn't K. She loves horror, has watched all of supernatural, and I'm trying to figure out if she's my clone in every aspect of life. We grew up in identical households. She has more siblings but she's technically the first girl. Like I said before, she's so quick. She anticipates needs like it's her lifelong mission and I kind of love that. She's deff opposite of W though. That man has no sense of urgency in his life. AT ALL. Im excited to see how that plays into their day to day because we give him a hard time about it all the time.

I do like her. I know I can be a lot. He was better today. My heart still hurts.

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5/20/2025

This week is going to be hella busy. HELLA. Who do I think I am? From Oakland?! Wait... I am. But I digress. So much to do, so little time. F has been helping a lot. I've been disclosing my anxieties to him so he's trying to get his shit together to help me out. I have a mehndi/wax/threading/self care appt tomorrow which I'm somewhat excited about. I got mehndi done in Pakistan which was with the chemical kind. It didn't even last 24 hours and at the 25 hour mark little F threw up into my hands.... Every inch of palm was covered. I'm sure the stomach acid helped with the removal of the mehndi. ANYWAY, I NEED IT. I WANT IT. I never really liked mehndi as much as I do now. A part of me sees it as self expression. I've been doing that a lot lately. I'm thinking of getting my other helix pierced. The right one is finally healed (I hope?) and I don't think I'll be going into the pool anytime soon. You know what form of piercing I don't understand? Nipple or genital piercing. Me getting my helix pierced was uncomfortable for MONTHS because of my under cap constantly hitting it and irritating it. I can only imagine underwear/bras messing with it. Going commando is unacceptable for that many months. Imagine the amount of extra laundry! My scenario is very niche to the idea I have in my head. And omg the sex. Gah that sounds horrible. I just had a vivid picture of someone's ring coming out with the friction. EWWW GROSS 🤮

Hmm what else. What else. I is better today. His love language is definitely connection of some kind but it's so hard to do when you're dealing with your own trauma. I just need him to do something and don't want to sugarcoat things. Maybe that's where I fail as a parent. But I also know his personality. He's the one I worry about. He's incredibly smart but refuses to follow any authority figures. Everything has to be a game. Trying to convince him to do something Is like pulling teeth. But this kid is also very task oriented. If he doesn't have a goal, he gets bored and makes it his mission to wreak havoc on everyone around him. I'm just so stressed. I worry about him a lot. I worry about myself. I worry that sometimes when I'm near him my blood pressure rises because of the anticipation of him triggering someone and having to deal with it. Apparently this is normal kid/boy behavior that I just need to get past. I want more kids. I want a house full of kids. I love kids. But can I handle it? I can't even handle one boy. What if theres multiple? What if I'm not fair to the others? Clearly what I want isnt in my rizq but I still wonder. S once said that having 2 quality kids was better than having multiple less quality kids. I get that. But I have so much to offer. I have so much love. I also have a lot of trauma. Ok I need to stop.

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ok but why is this week dragging? I keep telling myself “next week is gonna be so fun” like that’s gonna summon it faster, but nope. It’s STILL tuesaday. This week has been 17 years long already. I swear I’ve lived through multiple historical eras just since Sunday. I’ve aged. I’ve withered. Time is crawling at the speed of a sad snail. I check the date like five times a day thinking maybe I’ve time-traveled, but no—just another Tuesday that feels like a sequel to the last one. Honestly, how many days can one week even have? Next week better show up with energy drinks, snacks, and financial compensation because I am fighting for my life out here just waiting.

Back to my life. Why does my people pleasing get in the way of everything. I want to show up for my kids so bad that I want to morph them into people that other people would want to accept. This is such a toxic behavior that I myself had to deal with. And I hated it. Log Kya kahongi. ARAY BHAR MAI JAI LOUG. Seriously though. I love my kids so much that I have gaslit myself into thinking that changing their personalities is what's best for them. It's so terrible and I don't know how to combat it. Ash seems to already dislike the kids which is fine. My kids can be a handful (just kids being kids) so if you're not used to it, you'll be overwhelmed. I'm trying to navigate around it and it's getting overwhelming for me. Today we took all the kids (including niece and nephew) to get raspas to get the kids out of her hair. Clearly child immersion isnt working and we just have to get through this week and figure it out. This is making no sense. Maybe I'll post a VN later if I have time and privacy.

Also, why am I self sabotaging myself?

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I did a little housekeeping today. Trying to delete mandco but having trouble letting it go. Changed the theme a little. But after this, I'm not deleting old posts anymore. Therapist said i should “track my growth” and “be kind to past me” which is therapist-speak for “stop trying to erase your entire internet presence every 3 months because you get the ick from 2017 you.”

Like yeah, maybe i posted song lyrics in all lowercase like it was a cry for help. maybe i reblogged 47 gifsets of the same 3-second scene from a show i never finished. (new girl anyone?! You give me cookie i give you cookie) maybe i wrote fanfiction that read like it was ghostwritten by a racoon with a caffeine addiction. Let's face it, that was one of the best fanfiction I've ever written and its lost in cyberspace forever. *sigh*

But you know, guess what? past me was doing their best (chaotically, sure, but still)

So now, instead of mass deleting, i scroll through my old posts like a museum curator. "ah yes, this was my 'cryptic quotes and existential dread' period. iconic."

we don’t delete the cringe. we honor the cringe.

because cringe is just the fossil record of personal growth.

that’s growth, baby.

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Here I am again

I think the expectations of anything becoming of this was nill. Mostly because I know my body. Usually the nausea doesn't hit that early and if it does, I don't usually throw up. This time around I was definitely fooled. Nausea, throwing up, fatigue. The recipe for MY perfect pregnancy. But alas, what was meant to happen, happened. I started cramping on friday and we had to go to SA because my BIL had hernia surgery so someone able bodied needed to be with him. I knew the cramps weren't a good sign but there wasn't any bleeding.. Then the cramps got worse and my body started doing its thing. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate pity. I hate any form of help. So im sitting there, trying to be brave. And I'm brave. I don't cry, I don't tear up, I joke. But is that bravery or cowardice? I'm a coward for not accepting sympathy. F sees through that. I went to sleep early that night. He was giving me some space and he knew exactly when to come. How is it so comforting to be in someones arms and just feel..safe. I think that was the first time I got over it so fast... I told one of my friends and shes trying to go above and beyond to help... But doesn't she know that I'm a coward? I cant accept help. I don't want it. What to do...what to do..

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Almost 8 years later and it seems like nothing has changed, and everything has changed. Im still friends with that girl that moved to Austin. She's actually a regular part of my life. But also, I've learned that we learn to adjust. In VA I had 4-5 groups of friends who knew only the part of me that I was able to show. That really was no way to live. But it did keep me busy. If I wasn't at school or working 3 jobs, I was hanging out with my friends. So maybe after I got married, I just cling on to the next thing that came along. Again, I am so grateful for F. Even with his quirks and nuances, his heart is pure.

So what's changed? I didn't want to befriend anyone for years :P The end.

Selfish tendencies or social dependencies?

Yesterday night I had a complete meltdown. F and I have an unspoken system where if one of us is cranky we just tell the other so we’re expecting it. It just makes it easier to deal with the others emotions and not yell back. But yesterday just really sucked. You know when everything just piles on top of each other? Well that was yesterday. I want to say I can usually handle it, but with the baby I really cant anymore. I was looking through things and I found something of I’s and it of course triggered something inside of me. I began to think about the lack of social life I have here. The one friend that I actually made that was close to my age moved to Austin and I haven’t seen her in like 3 months. That’s besides the point though. Because I should be ok with just myself. Was I really that dependent on other people in VA that I just let people walk all over me? That realization sucked because it meant that I wasn’t capable of having a normal friendship. It really helps that F is a friend. I think we’re more like friends than a married couple. We discuss finances and what not like an old married couple but honestly, we are best friends. This last statement triggered something else in me. With the baby coming, I wont have just him anymore. To myself. Selfish, huh? Don’t get me wrong, I am BEYOND ecstatic about the new addition and I know it will be a new kind of bond between us 3, but its hard to think about sharing. I cried so much yesterday. I think even F was freaked out. I still have this ache in my chest. Its been lingering all day. Weirdly enough, putting my head in the freezer helps. Its literally what I’ve been doing all day. Eh, maybe tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

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Bud seriously though, why is this stuck in my head? This version in particular. Makes working out so much more and gives off Evanescence vibes.

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Oh boy..

I deleted 100 posts for when I started this almost 15 years years ago. I think I want to go in a new direction. This will hold my hopes, dreams, random thoughts, angry ramblings, and anything else I gosh darn please (and maybe some cuss words here and there out of anger). I miss this. Like talking to someone that listens without judgement. Most of the time I just need to talk things out. Think things through...

This past week was scary. I hadn't felt like this in a while. It could most likely be the lingering hormones from a recent miscarriage, but I genuinely had this flood of emotions that I didn't know how to describe. I had started to open myself to friendships this past year and made a friend at a co op I'm a part of. It started out so wonderful. This woman is probably a decade older than me but that didn't matter. I've always gravitated towards older people ( maybe they're more mature...maybe they give off the "older sister" vibe) Who knows. Anyway, I think I gave up too much of myself. I think when people say things like "you're like a sister to me" I should run the other way. It's never that way. Sisters don't go no contact. When someone says that, I genuinely believe this. But maybe that's the naive part of me. This friendship broke me. I was reminded of I. How I gave up so much of my heart to this person and she just... I don't know. I hate FEELING this much. Looking back, I think we were too alike. She took offence to a question that didn't mean to be offensive. But then I think I ruined it by communicating how I was feeling. I did that with I as well. With her I had sent her an email. With A, I decided to just speak to her directly. I assumed that since she was older she would appreciate it. It definitely backfired. I cried on the way home. 3 kids sleeping in the back and I'm over here, sobbing while sitting in traffic. If someone was able to peek in, they'd think I was upset about a traffic jam. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's horrible! But not enough to cry about it..... So that happened, and F was offshore. The only people I could confide in was a fairly new friend.. I told her and she helped me deal with the feelings. She didn't have to, but that was very nice... Fast forward to last week. We we fasting for Dhul Hijjah that same friend and another friend had decided we would go to the park to open our fast as a family. It would also be a mini grad party/Juz finish party (because yo girl F finished memorizing a Juz). Because of weather we had decided to do it at one of our houses and I offered up mine because why not. Everyone came over and it was one of the best evenings I've had in a while. I'm sure no one else thought that but to me, it felt so...normal. This was also one of the few times where the husbands also hung out with each other and it looked like they enjoyed themselves. Alhumdullilah for that btw.... So when everyone left, I was left with my depressive thoughts. Anyone that knows me, they know that 1) it takes me a while to get me to open up to you 2) When I do, I'm all in. It takes a little while but then I'm loyal for life. Now I'm having all these feelings. Most of them are teen Maryam feelings. Pessimist Maryam feelings. I'm sitting there with a text message draft, ready to send out.. Thanking them for coming etc. I just could NOT send it. Almost like something was preventing me from sending it. I change the window to Instagram and see how the co op woman and her daughter (whom I was friends with as well) have deleted me off instagram (how mature, right?) I immediately turned off my phone and put it away. I went MIA for a few days and I feel horrible now. I feel horrible because I think they...my friends.. were genuinely worried about me. But again, it was only 2 days. That's messed up, though. I probably shouldn't have done that.

F doesn't understand this. To him, family comes before everyone else. I never had that luxury. There's too many family members that go no contact over the most useless things. MT was never really at an age where I could just be like "lets go for dinner" or something. We also argued a lot.

For me, friends end up being more precious. But he also says I wear my heart on my sleeve for my friends. I don't think that's always a bad thing. Doing so makes you vulnerable, but it also means that it lets the other person get close to you.... Lets see how this goes. I hope I don't eff these new friendships up.

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Wow, I didn't realize how dark my Tumblr was till I stumbled upon it again. But damn, seems like nothing has changed. You know, I always wondered why people read self help books when the answer was right in front of you. Need to lose weight? Don't read 20 books, just eat less and exercise. I felt the same about organization, mental health, etc. But till recently, I feel like I need to read some of these books. Not because I need ideas, but because I need someone on the other side to talk to me through those books.. I recently joined tiktok (purely for the food videos and the occasional comedy skit) and on there I stumbled on "psychology tiktok" and it was a video talking about anxiety. Everything this lady was saying was ON POINT. It was such a freeing feeling knowing that what I was thinking was something that was thought by so many other people. I think that's why I should read these self help books.. I wouldn't call myself crazy, but just a little misaligned. I want to be better for my kids, for my husband, for my family. I need to learn to control my emotions.. I was recently told that Im emotional but not compassionate. That really struck me. I have anxiety because of the overabundance of emotions but where did the compassion go? Eh maybe I'm just overthinking this.. but I should go read though.

A wonderful friend got married today and all I could think of was "oh shit, why am I not there". But alas, such is life. Missing the most important moments..

I think I'm going to start writing again.