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We looked inside some of the posts by mugsy-11 and here's what we found interesting.
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17
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Too overwhelmed to sleep. It's 1:53AM... and here I am listening to a looped song loudly played. Life is too confusing and overwhelming lately. I have been too tired for the past months, mentally (work) and physically (health issues). I am starting to question everything. Like what I am doing? Am I doing enough? Am I doing it right? Adulting really hits like a huge f*cking train, face first. This is too much... everything is too much right now. I can't even sleep, I can't even let myself to relax. This is too overwhelming... I really want everything to be stable but f*ck this is too hard. I'm tired of showing up.
I just want to rest. I just want to silenced the voices in my head because this one looped loud song I am listening is not working... I can still hear the chaos of my mind. I don't know how long I can keep this up. Maybe all the hustling and grinding is really catching up to like an angry savage polar bear. The worst part is I don't know what the f*ck is happening, I just know that I am too overwhelmed about being here right now... F*ck!
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CKD history
May 2021 - diagnosed with CKD Stage 3a
November 2021 - diagnosed with CKD 3b
November 2024 - *not yet diagnosed but egfr down to 28% (possible stage 4) based on latest crea test
May 2025 - based on latest crea test, egfr down to 24%
:(
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I think it's not death itself I fear the most, it's losing the opportunity to take care of my love ones. To lose the chance to be with them. I wish I had a different body, a healthy one. So I can have more time to take care of them. :(
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Maybe we have enough capacity to access primary health care, I won't be chronically ill. :(
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I have failed myself, my partner, and my family for not taking care of myself. :(
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2nd night of worse panic attacks of my life. Never thought I will experience this. I've been shaking and sobbing uncontrollably...
And wishing to end this suffering.
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It's sad how people can ignore you when you can't even return that same energy to them coz you're too cautious to lose them. :(
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I'm scared. Maybe di ko pala talaga kaya maghandle ng relationship, I just fuck things up. Nakakahiya kasi ganto ako. Hindi ko na alam. Baka deserve ko talagang maging mag-isa. Total mamamatay na lang din naman ako eh bakit pa ako mandadamay ng taong maiiwan ko di ba? Maybe mistake lang naman in the first place na pinili kong maging masaya. Na selfishness yon kasi alam ko naman na magiging ending non. Mapapagod din sya sakin kasi mahirap ako mahalin.
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