multi-facets - Tumblr blog

multi-facets · 3 days ago

Text

🇺🇸massive recall of food, baking ingredients, and cosmetics due to insanitary conditions, filth, and rat shit contamination🇺🇸

over 150 items being recalled, including some intended for babies. the FDA warns that all products held or distributed by this company may be dangerous.

this recall is so bad that you need to clean and sanitize anything that has even touched the outside of these products.

the recall link may move in the future. this recall has its own special FDA page right now because the FDA issued an advisory immediately after inspection, before a recall could even be issued. the findings of the inspection were just THAT fucking disgusting.

June 3, 2025 On May 27, 2025, Pan-African Food Distributors initiated a recall of various products it sells. FDA continues to have concerns for all products held and distributed by Pan-African Food Distributors due to the insanitary conditions observed at the facility during a routine FDA inspection, including a rodent infestation and numerous rodent droppings on multiple product containers. FDA is advising consumers and retailers not to use, eat, sell, or serve cosmetic and food products distributed by Pan-African Food Distributors of Louisville, Kentucky. FDA is working with the firm and their direct customers to remove all products of concern from the market. More information will be provided in this alert as it becomes available.

some emphasis mine.

the distribution center was inspected, the FDA found a massive rodent infestation, and they shut that shit down. literally, they found a ton of rodent shit all over the products. although the distribution center is in kentucky, these products may have been distributed nationwide.

pan-african food distributors is also doing business as (dba) east africa boutique, LLC.

the FDA says more updates will be issued about this. because this one is a big deal.

Products held under insanitary conditions and contaminated with filth could pose a serious health risk, potentially leading to various illnesses, including leptospirosis, hantavirus infection, salmonellosis, yersiniosis, E.coli infection, and rat-bite fever. People should contact their healthcare provider if they suspect they have developed symptoms as a result of eating or using these products.

some emphasis mine.

the risks here are varied and bad. bad bad. bad and potentially deadly. if you have used or eaten or even held these products and experience symptoms, GO TO A DOCTOR!

Consumers should check their homes for food and cosmetic products distributed by Pan-African Food Distributors and discard all products. If you do not know if your product was distributed by Pan-African Food Distributors, throw it away. Additionally, consumers should carefully clean and sanitize surfaces that could have come in contact with potentially contaminated products.

clean and sanitize ANYTHING these products have touched!!! if you are not sure if your item is part of this recall, the FDA says the risks here are so bad that you should just throw it away!

recalled items include baby food, baking ingredients, various types of flours, soaps, shampoo, lotion, baby powder, and so much more. this list contains over 150 recalled items. so check under the cut for the list, or visit the link at the top of this post.

formatted in

product name - lot code/batch (when listed) - expiration date (when listed)

recalled food items:

Super Sembe Maize Flour (10 kg) May 2025

Kinazi - Cassava Flour Lot Code: 002952 04 OCT 2026

Cassava FuFu (10 Kg) 2024-2026

Cassava FuFu (20 Kg)

Farina 1 (50 lb.) Lot Code: 506602

Peanut Flour (50 lb.) 01 FEB 2026

Akanozo (12 x1 cases) Lot: F50FA048

Huza – Fermented Sorghum (1 kg) 21 DEC 2025 and 25 APR 2025

Nootri Family 04/04/2025, and 05/04/2025, 6/10/2025

Nootri Baby Lot: CIBK240329 20/09/2025

Nootri Toto Lot: CPI240411 03/10/2025

Red Sorghum Flour 01 Jan 2026

Mixed Porridge Flour 01 Jan 2026

Soybean Flour 01 Jan 2026

Akenza – Dried Ground Cassava leaves

Akanozo – Wheat Flour (1 kg) Batch# SDFA431 25 APR 26

Akanozo – Soybean Flour Batch # K5YFA 20 APR 2025

Akanozo – Sorghum Flour Lot Code: SDFA434 11 AUG 2026

Akanozo – Composite Flour Lot Code: COFA788 13 AUG 2026

Akanozo – Roasted Wheat Flour Batch # RWHFA013 14 AUG 2026

Huza – Millet Flour May 27, 2025

Akanozo – Fine Millet Flour (1 kg) Batch # MIFA578 10 AUG 2026

Akanozo – Composite Flour Batch # COFA788 13 AUG 2026

Huza – Wheat Flour 05 06 2025

Super Cereal Plus – Fortified Corn Soya Blend Batch #: 07BBE02/2026, 11BBE08/2026

Pan African Foods Distribution Inc – White Corn Flour (10 kg): 04/04/2027

Sujata – Multi grains flour 13 SEP 2025

Akanoze Fou Fou 10 SEP 2026

F. Garcia Corn Meal 10/2025

Pan African Foods Distribution Inc – White Corn Flour 04/01/2027

Pan African Foods Distribution Inc – Beans 05/2026

recalled cosmetics:

Dover-Elegance Skin Lightening Cream 03/2026

Roberts Glycerine 03/2027

Movit- Baby Oil 03/2026

Movit- Body Cream 03/2026

Dudu-osun-Black Soap (no expiry Date or lot information)

Super Curl Activator Gel (no expiry Date or lot information)

Movit-Curl Activator Gel 01/2027

Sleeping Baby-Perfumed Petroleum Jelly 20/10/2026

Movit-Jelly 200g 0059J16 02/2028

Movit-Jelly 425g 021PJ17, 009PJ01, 03/2028, 02/2028

Movit-Shampoo 1-L 020N526 12/2026

Gel 018HJ30 02/2028

Movit-Baby Junior Petroleum 200g 022J1327 01/2025

Movit-Baby Junior Petroleum 425g 013J1318 02/2028

Movit-Miss Beauty Glycerin 008W24 01/2027

Movit Curling Hair Lotion 003CC20 01/2027

Setting Hair Lotion 0025 C16 01/2027

Sleeping Baby-Baby Oil (no expiry or lot information)

Movit Radiant Hair Vitalizer 009RHV03 01/2028

Sante-Petroleum Jelly 09/2026

Claire-Cocoa Butter Lotion 02/04/26

Claire-Body Milk 24/04/26

Black Pearl Powder Hair Dye (no expiry or lot information)

Nina Family-Soap 04/2029

Sousana Glycerine 15/01/2026

Imperial Leather-Lotion Active 02/2026

Imperial Leather-Lotion Japanese Spa 04/2026

Imperial Leather-Lotion Uplifting 01/2027

Mama Bebe Jelly 05/2027

Sante Pure-Petroleum Jelly 200g 21/12/26

Sante Pure-Petroleum Jelly 100g 08/2024

Sante Pure-Petroleum Jelly 250g 05/2027

Claire-Talcum Powder 19/04/2026

Imperial Leather Bath Soap (no expiry or lot information)

Imperial Leather-Lotion 04/2026

Sousana Glycerine 17/04/26

Sante-Soap 04/2029, 11/2028

American Dream Cocoa Butter Cream 500ml 02/2026

Claire Cream 04/2026

Vague-Liquid Wash 26/03/26

Sousana-Glycerine Cream 25/03/26

Zote-Pink Soap 11734624300

Malaika Petroleum Jelly 23/04/2027

Sleeping Beauty-Perfumed Petroleum Jelly 500g 3/2/27

Sleeping Beauty-Perfumed Petroleum Jelly 250g 7/11/26

Family Care-Perfumed Petroleum Jelly 500g 03-2029

Sleeping Beauty-Perfumed Petroleum Jelly, mixed sizes Jan 2027

Sleeping Baby – Jelly: BATCH DATE: OCT 2024

Paw Paw – Clarifying Cream (300 mL) 24271 04/2027

Femco Sarl – Cream (no expiry or lot information)

Malaika – Cream (200 mg) 24271 04/2027

Mama Bebe – Baby Jelly 24198 05/2027

Epiderm-Cream (15 g) 04/2027

Aboniki Balm AB0324J

Rico-Clair Plus L112301

Movit Hair Spray 001M5504

Movit Hair Food 031AH01

Pure White Cream AABC

Uniparco – Cosmetic Gold Lotion CCAB 13/01/2026

BB Clear Lightening Cream 320 ml 01/12/2026

BB Clear Lotion 300 ml

Natures Secrete Soap 06 06 30 01/12/2026

Movit Baby Powder 01/2026

Clinic Clear Cream Jar 330 gr 12/2024

Clinic Clear Lotion 500 ml

Clinic Clear Oil 125 ml

Clinic Clear Soap 225 g

Diprosom Cream 03/2025

Sexy Body Powder Perfume 04/2025

Movit Hair Lotion 12/2025

Movit Nail Polish Removal 03/2024

Clinic Clear Soap 04/2026

Dettol Soap 02/2025, 07/2025

Movit – Lemon Crème 05/2026

Neoprosone Gel 03/2025

Caratone Oil 11/2024

Caratone Cream C047152

Caratone Brightening Soap 02/2029

Caratone Crème Clarifionte 06/2027

Caratone Lotion 10/2027

Clear Therapy Purete 07/2027

Body Luxe Body Cream 11/2025

Body Luxe Body Cream 02/2026

Dettol Glycerine Soap 09/2026

Dettol Liquid Soap 03/2026

Family Care Petroleum Jelly 12/2028

Sleeping Baby – Baby Powder 08/11/2026

Movit – Hair Food 06/2026

Paw Paw Shower Gel 08/2026

Vaseline Blue Seal 13 09 2026

Caro White-Coconut Oil 05/2029

Caro White-Tube Cream 01/2025

Caro White-Cream 11/2026

Caro White-Body Lotion 02/2027

White Secrete – Lightening Body Cream 09/2027

Amara Lotion 06/2028

White Secrete Lotion 03/2027

White Secrete Body & Face Lotion 03/2027

White Secrete Oil 04/2027

White Secrete Serum 10/2026

Hemani Black Seals Oil 01/2026

Carotone Gift Pack 05/2027

Radiant-Hair Spray 02/2028

Movit Petroleum Jelly 02/2028

Radiant Shampoo 12/2025

Radiant Hair Vitalization (no expiry or lot information)

Salima 09/2025

African Black Soap (no expiry or lot information)

Lebidjanaise – Toilet Soap 08/2026

Perle Clair Cream 14/03/2026

Clairman Soap 05/2028

Coco pulp Soap 13/09/2026

Rinju-Lotion 04/2026

Cantu Oil

Claire Men 03/2025

BioClaire Cream (no expiry or lot information)

Remy Lotion 09/2027

Huile De Beaute 04/2023

Rinju-Body and Hand Cream 07/2027

Razac Hand and Body Lotion 08/2027

only items related to pan-african food distributors inc/east africa boutique LLC are being recalled. if you have these types of items and know for sure that they came from another distributor, they are not part of the recall. but again, this is so fucking dangerous that if you are unsure, throw it out and clean and sanitize everything that touched the inside or outside of these products.

also note: as mentioned at the top, this recall may have its link moved, and will likely at least have an additional link for the recall. what the FDA found was so fucking disgusting that they actually issued a special advisory before the recall was initiated.

this post may be updated in the future, either under the read more or in reblogs, as new information comes out. if you want to keep up with this, bookmark the recall link and/or check the notes every now and then!

stay safe and take care!

17K notes · View notes

multi-facets · 4 days ago

Text

So a few months ago there was the discourse about would you rather meet a man or a bear in the woods. I didn't want to touch it while the discourse was hot and everyone dug in hard because those are not good conditions for nuance, but I waited until today, June 1st, for a specific reason.

I'm not going to take a position in the bear vs man debate because I don't think it matters. What is really being asked here is how afraid are you of men? Specifically, unexpected men who are, perhaps, strange.

People have a lot of very real fear of men that comes from a lot of very real places. Back when I was first transitioning in 2015 and 2016, I decided to start presenting as a woman in public even though I did not pass in the slightest.

I live in a red state. I knew other trans women who had been attacked by men, raped by men. I knew I was taking a risk by putting myself out there. I was the only visibly trans person in the area of campus I frequented, and people made sure I never forgot that. Most were harmless enough and the worst I got from them was curious stares. Others were more aggressive, even the occasional threat. I had to avoid public bathrooms, of course, and always be aware of my surroundings.

I know how frightening it is to be alone at night while a pair of men are following behind you and not knowing if they are just going in the same direction or if they want to start something - made all the worse for the constant low level threat I had been living under for over a year by just being visibly trans in a place where many are openly hostile to queer people. You have to remember, this was at the height of the first wave of bathroom law discussions, a lot of people were very angry about trans women in particular. My daily life was terrifying at times. I was never the subject of direct violence, but I knew trans women who had been.

I want you to keep all that in mind.

So man or bear is really the question "how afraid of men are you?", and the question that logically follows is "What if there was a strange man at night in a deserted parking lot?" or "What if you were alone in an elevator with a man?" or "What if you met a strange man in the woman's bathroom?"

My state recently passed an anti trans bathroom bill. The rhetoric they used was about protecting women and children from "strange men", aka trans women.

Conservatives hijack fear for their bigoted agenda.

When I first started presenting as a woman the campus apartment complex was designed for young families. The buildings were in a large square with playgrounds in the center, and there were often children playing. I quickly noticed that when I took my daughter out to play, often several children would immediately stop what they were doing and run back inside. It didn't take me long to confirm that the parents were so afraid of "the strange man who wears skirts" that their children were under strict instructions to literally run away as soon as they saw me.

"How afraid are you of a strange man being near your children?"

I mentioned above that I had to avoid public bathrooms. This was not because of men. It was because of women who were so afraid of random men that they might get violent or call someone like the police to be violent for them if I ever accidentally presented myself in a way that could be interpreted as threatening, when my mere presence could be seen as a threat. If I was in the library studying and I realized that it was just me and one other woman I would get up and leave because she might decide that stranger danger was happening.

Your fear is real. Your fear might even come from lived experiences. None of that prevents the fact that your fear can be violent. Women's fear of men is one of the driving forces of transmisogyny because it is so easy to hijack. And it isn't just trans women. Other trans people experience this, and other queer people too. Racial minorities, homeless people, neurodivergent people, disabled people.

When you uncritically engage with questions like man or bear, when you uncritically validate a culture of reactive fear, you are paving the way for conservatives and bigots to push their agenda. And that is why I waited until pride month. You cannot engage and contribute to the culture of reactive fear without contributing to queerphobia of all varieties. The sensationalist culture of reactive fear is a serious queer issue, and everyone just forgot that for a week as they argued over man or bear. I'm not saying that "man" is the right answer. I am saying that uncritically engaging with such obvious click bait trading on reactive fear is a problem. Everyone fucked up.

It is not a moral failing to experience fear, but it is a moral responsibility to keep a handle on that fear and know how it might harm others.

23K notes · View notes

multi-facets · 6 days ago

Text

update:

i would like to apologize if i have been quiet for some time when it came to posts like these. however, i'm back for a big update. hopefully, everything's explained clearly.

1. update on the big, "beautiful" bill

i should've shared this when it came out, but there's a recess going on until june 2nd, 2025.

here's the links provided in the screenshot:

so for now, let's focus on the senate, and let them know we don't appreciate this bill.

other than that, for those not in the know, this bill, currently, is a huge thing when it comes to project 2025. a section of this bill will gut medicaid for everyone, but the millionaires. there's quite a lot more about this, but to give the basic summary breakdown: it's all bad, bad, bad.

again, call your senators, and tell them to not pass this bill. there's quite recess ends on june 2nd, 2025.

2. elon needs to take a shower

for those confused, this is about elon musk. yesterday, this guy finally resigned, but doge still remains (unfortunately).

not much to say about this one, other than just: fuck you. :) <3

3. tariffs that mr. trump wants to deploy

to put it shortly, there was a short point in time where trump's tariffs was shut down in court, but was then reinstated immediately afterward... just for them to invalidate the tariffs once again. i don't know what's the hell happened over there, but it's good that people are seeing all this for what it really is.

unfortunately, it's a bit up in the air on whether, or not, if it'll change sooner, or later. we'll just have to see if it does.

4. everything sucks in texas

unlike the bill that was made to ban abortion pills (which is now died currently), the other bills that recently got passed, and signed into state law didn't. :/

1. the anime ban was passed

2. this other bill now makes schools in texas recite the ten commandments. currently, the aclu is suing this bill. hope it goes well.

also, there's a bill that's supposed to outlaw ai-generated cp on the internet. unfortunately, it's vague enough to where it could potentially frame a lot of things (queer content, for example) to be seen as pornography (despite it not being the case).

do know that this is the same guy that also advanced a bill to block swear words. even going as far as to ban public libraries to not buy books with language they don't like. again, they're talking about swear words.

texas is just another country at this point. i'm sorry for any texans in this country currently.

5. for those protesting

for the whole week (may 31st, to june 6th), there will be a huge sum of protests that you might be able to join in to further spread the cause.

however, if you are considering going, please stay safe. make sure to bring your pepper spray, and sunglasses. be peaceful.

6. "it wouldn't matter if we go through with gutting medicaid, cuz we'll all die anyway..." 🤦‍♀️

i can't begin to describe this. just look at the following links for yourselves.

no words, honestly. fuck you, joni ernst.

7. another kosa update

for those that don't know, kosa is an abbreviation for the "kids online safety act." if your first reaction is thinking that this bill is good, then i got some bad news for you.

unfortunately, much like the rest of the bills mentioned today, it's extremely vague, and can mean anyone that's supposed to "attack" kids, or something like that. also, this bill was made by the heritage foundation, knows for being extremely homophobic/transphobic. they are in arms with trump, only helping with project 2025.

i'm sure that this current recess is the reason why no one in the government has been talking about this for a while. however, now's our chance to stop this bill from passing.

i unfortunately don't know when they'll vote for this, but until then, never stop calling.

youtube

that's about it for now. things might be quite a lot right now, but don't give up. if all of this distresses you, then take a break, before you act. don't panic, and organize.

there's still hope, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

thank you for sticking around. stay safe.

77 notes · View notes

multi-facets · 7 days ago

Text

im talking about this here because i need to let this off my chest. but i went into a trade program for lower incomes. and today, without any warning, we were cut off. the entire program was shutdown NATIONWIDE. leaving so many people without some sort of income, or homeless, or forced to return home to abusive households that they were trying to escape. there are so many people who lost so much in ONE DAY. please understand that so many people are now left with nothing. this was a trade program for people who wanted to LEAVE POVERTY AND ENTER FIELDS WHERE THEY HAD A CHANCE!! and today it was STOLEN. and then to add insult to injury. staff members who are going to LOSE THEIR JOBS. are still stuck there for two more weeks while being forced to find something else in such a short notice. no one. and i mean NO ONE. was given a proper fair warning. please dont leave us to be forgotten.

9K notes · View notes

multi-facets · 10 days ago

Text

134K notes · View notes

multi-facets · 11 days ago

Text

Something that really frustrates me is paramedics and doctors/nurses both in the emergency room and even specialists treating me not wearing masks.

You literally know better and are constantly coming into contact with infectious disease... I appreciate that when you see me wearing a mask you ask if I would prefer you wear one, but you would be less of an infection risk for people like me without functional immune systems if you took basic precautions like wearing a surgical mask for your shift.

Covid and Influenza are no joke for people with functional immune systems either. Look after your health and mine, please. Fuck.

1K notes · View notes

multi-facets · 11 days ago

Text

Are you 🫵 pissed off about the Lilo and Stitch monstrosity remake? Do you want to know how you can actually make a difference in supporting the people and ecosystems of Hawaii?

Tourism is a big issue in Hawaii (which the remake got rid of the original's commentary on because it makes foreigners look bad). I'm not gonna promote it, BUT I know that realistically, thousands of people arrive here every single day by the airplane-ful. And the majority of them aren't educated on the socio-cultural and economic impacts of tourism. SO, I'm making this post in an effort to educate visitors. If you or someone you know is visiting or moving to Hawaii (whether by circumstances in or out of your control), here are some suggestions on how you can give back!

You can donate to the Hawaii Community Foundation, which has been instrumental in giving aid to the displaced community of Lahaina after the Maui wildfires in 2023. They also provide scholarships to students of under-represented communities.

If you're interested in visiting Kualoa Ranch, you can do their Mālama Experience where you get your hands dirty giving back to the ‘āina (land)!

There are other organizations you can join to volunteer with, too, like Kupu and Mālama Maunalua. Check them out; maybe you can help with a beach cleanup or plant native trees! These are both non-profit organizations that accept monetary donations.

Visit the Bishop Museum to learn about Hawaiian history and culture! They also have events focused on sustainability and conservation.

If you're visiting Hilo on the Big Island, go visit the Laulima Nature Center! They're a non-profit aimed at protecting Hawaii's native species, and they even have an online store that ships to the US mainland and internationally! (After I post this, I'm gonna head on over and get myself a manu o Kū pin ♡)

A few other tips I have:

DO: Respect the locals' homes. Several beaches and hiking trails have access points in residential areas. Please be mindful to keep your voices down when passing by, and park ONLY in designated parking areas.

DO: Wear reef-safe sunscreen! Sunscreens containing oxybenzone and octinoxate are banned in Hawaii because they are known to damage coral reefs.

DON'T: Approach wildlife, particularly honu (sea turtles) and 'īlio holo i ka uaua (Hawaiian monk seals). Stay at least 10 feet (3 meters) away from turtles and at least 50 feet (15 meters) away from monk seals. If you see someone harassing animals, report them to the statewide NOAA Marine Wildlife Hotline: (888) 256-9840. You can also contact the Hawaii State Department of Land and Natural Resources.

DON'T: Collect sand, rocks, or other natural items to bring home with you. This is to protect the ecosystems and also out of respect for Kānaka Maoli (Native Hawaiians), who have cultural beliefs regarding lava rocks in particular. Taking lava rocks is extremely disrespectful.

DON'T: Litter! Please throw away your waste in proper trash cans. If you see a bin that says "ʻōpala," that's a trash can!

Many Kānaka Maoli (Native Hawaiians) are moving to the US mainland because the cost of living in Hawaii has been driven up so high (because of people moving here), they can't afford to live in their ancestral home. So, if you are going to visit or move to Hawaii, please:

- Make the effort to support local businesses, especially those owned by Native Hawaiians!

- Educate yourself and your loved ones about actual Hawaiian culture!

- Try Hawaiian food, like poi!

- Learn some Hawaiian words and don't be afraid to ask how to pronounce words correctly!

- Donate to a food bank!

- Watch films and read books written by Native Hawaiians!

My hope is that whoever sees this post will use it to educate themselves, their friends, and their families who are considering visiting.

My background is in sustainability and the environment, so that's what I know to suggest off the top of my head. If any Kānaka Maoli read this post and have suggestions to add, please do!

47K notes · View notes

multi-facets · 11 days ago

Text

Reach Heaven (Through Violence)

When I was in 2nd grade, my school started a zero-tolerance policy for bullying. I want to emphasize that I started out very excited for this program. I was a small, visibly autistic child on a playground with fourth graders on it. In theory, this program might as well have been called The Rescue Babs Initiative.

In practice, however, zero-tolerance programs almost always sink into madness. The motivations never line up right - too many incentives for cheating.

The first victim of the program was actually my friend, Sam. I was standing next to him in line when one of the fourth graders gut punched him. There was no reason for the punch, he was just small and in arm's reach. Sam got the wind knocked out of him, but he managed to gasp out the phrase stupid motherfucker right as the playground aide ran over to keep the peace.

(Sam had an incredible vocabulary for a 2nd grader. Consequence of his dad being a recently divorced mechanic.)

Puncher got a two week suspension. That was fine. But Sam got a one week one for verbal abuse, which was beyond the pale. But that’s just what zero-tolerance is, right? No hitting became a rule everyone had to follow, and it didn't stop when someone hit us. So our options as kids were to somehow make like Jesus and ascend up to heaven… or solve things ourselves.

We started solving things ourselves.

I'll be honest, I think that was always the plan. A school can do a lot of things to reduce bullying, but if the goal is zero, there's only one path forward: Shoot the messenger.

---

My part in the story was a few weeks after that. Long enough to know that the school's new unofficial policy was to suspend kids that reported problems, short enough to have no idea how to defend myself. It turned out the 4th grader that hit Sam was part of a trio, and that trio had their sights on me next.

I asked some of my classmates what to do, and they said that the best idea was to just ignore the bullies. Refuse to give them a reaction. That was dogshit advice, but it was common enough in the early 2000s and it's not like I can fault 2nd graders for not knowing much about life.

Anyway. I took the advice and I ignored my bullies. I ignored them when they said nasty things about my mom, and I ignored them when they bounced soccer balls off my head, and the one time I broke was when the biggest of the trio grabbed my arm hard enough to leave finger shaped bruises. We were watching a movie in the gym when he did that, and I leaned over and told him he could hold my hand if he was scared of the dark. Which worked, thank God. The grip hurt bad enough I had to excuse myself for a bit to keep my composure.

I think a more mentally flexible kid would've changed strategies by then. Clearly, things were escalating. But it's hard for me to change my mind, so I stuck to my bad strategy, right up until the day the big kids caught me after school. I was crossing the baseball field when they got me. It was just one of those places you had to walk through to make it to the bike rack.

The big guy, again, was the instigator. He pushed me down then stood over me, yelling for me to get back up. But I knew that if I got back up, he'd just push me down again, and for whatever reason, their Bully Code didn't allow for kicking a kid that was already down. So I stuck to the grass, and they tried a bunch of things to goad me into standing back up. Eventually, I started kicking at them while on my back, and one of them took the opportunity to grab my leg. Second bully thought that looked fun, so he grabbed my other leg. Kicking me like that was off limits, but dragging wasn't, so they just started pulling me around that way.

They were so much taller than me that I was almost vertical during the pull so all my weight was put on my shoulders. And the fields were just made of unkind stuff. There was crushed gravel all over the place, spilled out from the divider between the big kid playground and the little kid playground, so every time they dragged me over a piece it just ripped a new gouge up my back. The ground itself was sunbaked caliche and dead crabgrass. There was a grit to it, like sand stuck to the outside of a clay pot.

It grated all the skin off my upper back. Everything between the bottom of my neck to the bottom of my shoulder blades. I don't know at what points I went from yelling, to screaming, to just crying, but I did, and I know they seemed almost giddy every time it changed. Eventually they finished off with one loop around the baseball diamond and that hurt the worst. The dust there stuck to the snot and spit all over my face and made it into a foul mud, and the same happened in my shirt. The dust stung like salt, and the gravel in the lines tore open a few more cuts for dirt to pour in. I remember them stopping, and actually crying again I was so relieved. It was done. Thank God, it was finally done. They were done hurting me.

They left me on my back near homebase (a base). They'd finally got the reaction they were looking for.

It took me a few minutes after that to stagger back to my feet. I was able to wash the snot-mud off my face in the bathroom, but I couldn't bring myself to touch my back. It just felt like it was on fire. Then I made it back to the bike rack.

That’s where my older sister, Liz, waiting for me. She was just a grade ahead of me but it always felt bigger than that. There’s some deep weight associated with being the oldest. She could see that I was dirty and tear soaked so she asked what happened. I didn’t know how to put it in words, so I just tried lifting my shirt to show her. It made a sticky, tacky sound coming up - like the plastic coat coming off a slice of American cheese. Tchhhhk.

I didn’t know how bad they’d got me before I heard that noise.

She looked at my back for maybe two seconds before telling me to put my shirt back down. I never actually looked at it when it was fresh, but I still had straggling scars by the time I got to highschool. Long silver-grey lines, visible mostly for the dirt still stuck in them. She looked a little sick when I turned around, but she kept it cool, which I really appreciated. I always hated crying in public, and I was half a hair from crying all over again. I don't think I'd have been able to keep it together if she'd freaked out too.

Instead, she just asked me some questions. Who did this, how long they’d been doing it, what I’d been doing, if I’d told anyone. Some 4th graders, a month, trying to ignore them, nobody.

She mulled those answers over. I could see her trying to chart a course forward - trying to figure out what it would take to solve this problem for good. She's always had this weird, sad, blank face that she'd make when she found a solution she didn't like. She'd make that face, then think some more, then make the face. Then think.

Eventually, she just made the face.

Don't tell the parents, she said. I can fix this. But only if you don’t tell them.

I believed her. She was the most capable person I knew, and her word was gold. So I didn't tell our parents. I biked home, and every drop of sweat that rolled down my back felt like acid on my skin. I remember getting home and beelining straight to the bath, because I needed something to put the fire out. Took that as my moment to cry it out again too. First time I'd cried was from pain, but the second time was from the cruelty. Second time took longer, but the nice thing about a cold bath is that the water never runs out. I could just pop the plug out with my toes and just keep rinsing and draining and rinsing and draining until my mind was as clean and empty and stark as the tub itself. Then I could go fill that emptiness up with Calvin and Hobbes.

It worked.

Mostly.

---

I spent the whole next week feeling nervous anytime I was outside and Liz wasn't nearby. Some days she'd beat me to the bike racks, and I'd be relieved as hell to just go home. Other days, I'd be the first one out, and then I'd have to spend a few minutes worrying about what I'd do if the big kids showed up. But they never did. Liz always got there just a few minutes later, and I'd pretend I hadn't been planning escape routes.

Friday, I was sweating by myself when she showed up a few minutes later than normal. She unlocked her bike but she didn't move to leave. She had this big, long cable-type lock, maybe six feet of braided steel. She folded it over in her hands so it looked like a swatter and swung it a few times in the air. Made it whistle like a falling anvil in a cartoon.

Today's baseball practice, she said. All Our Guys are on the baseball team.

Our Guys. Odd phrasing. Also, I actually hadn't known that about them, but I nodded along anyway. She wasn't really looking at me as she talked - she was inspecting the lock.

My plan, she continued, is to wait here until baseball's done. Me and you. When it gets time I'll send you outside the bike cage.

The cage was a chain link fence, maybe six feet tall, built all around the rack. They’d lock it after school as an extra precaution against bike thieves.

Your job, she continued, will be to hold the gate closed after they're all in. Keep em’ stuck. Think you can do that?

She was being very frank, which helped me think clearly. I didn't think I could actually hold the gate closed if all of them ran into it at once, but I knew where a big half broken cinder block was, and I knew if I could wedge it in there, it would hold. So I told her that.

Great, she said. Do that.

Then I went to go get the block. She gave the cable a few more experimental swings, right as I made it around the corner.

I'd been thinking in straight lines before that. Just meeting goals. It wasn't until that moment that I really allowed myself to know what was happening. That I allowed myself to have a choice.

I chose to jog a little faster. I wanted revenge.

---

I came back with the block a few minutes later, then we just talked like nothing was happening. The sun was shining, and we’d both gotten into bionicles, and it was easy to talk and be people. Normal, happy people.

But that feeling went away when I heard the coach tweet a long whistle. Me and Liz both knew that was the signal that practice was done. I walked out and got my bric while she folded the cable in half in her hand again. Then we both waited.

Eventually I saw the kids that drug me around the baseball diamond emerge from behind the portables. I watched them make a straight line back to the bike rack. They were laughing together, having a good time. Being normal. Like me and my sister. I realized I could let things be normal too. I saw my chance to let things go softball pitched to me, nice and easy, and I didn't even bother to swing. I didn't want normal anymore. I wanted this. I knew why my sister had that lock, and I'd thought about it, and I liked it.

God help me, I think I needed it.

The kids went inside the bike cage. I gave them ten paces head start, then put the cinder block under the gate. That was the signal Liz had been waiting for.

She blitzed those boys. There were three of them, and the smallest still had two inches on her, so they probably would have kicked her ass if they ever had a moment to think. But she never gave them that moment. She picked the biggest kid, and decided he needed the first blow. I remember how much muscle she put into that swing - the cable was so heavy, and she was so small, that it kind of swung her back as she made that first half spin. Like a dog getting wagged by its own tail.

It was a perfect connection. Flawless. She swung through her target, not at it, and the resulting slap that the cable made bouncing off the biggest kid's stomach was loud enough to echo through the cage. It brought a tear to my eye. It brought a tear to his eye too.

The trio split after that, bouncing around the cage like fresh broke billiards. I can't describe how Liz did it, exactly, but she managed to chase the boys back together so she could hit them all more efficiently. She had a real knack for getting them right between the shoulders, so I never got to see the real perfection of her work, but she wasn't above swinging for the arms or legs if that was all she had. Those marks I could see, and they were brutal. The welts were wider and thicker than my thumb, like giant purple worms were trying to burrow out of their skin. Some even bled. I cheered on every hit.

Liz, for her part, just had a sort of grim, single minded determination to her. She was so angry she was shaking, and so scared that tears just kept running down her face, and she was grinning all the way back to her molars, but the grin didn't get any bigger after a solid hit than a glancing one. When the kids started blubbering, she didn't change her process. I'd spent my time crying, she'd spent her time crying, of course they were getting theirs in too: That's what violence does. It brings tears. Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.

Eventually, one of the kids split off from the main herd and scrambled up the fence, gecko-style. Liz let him go. It was either that, or take her attention off the other two. Easy choice.

Now, there were two kids left, the big one, and one of his smaller friends. Smaller friend did the same trick. I was worried he was gonna turn back, fight me and open the gate for his buddy, but he just fled for the hills. I remember thinking, damn, I hope they never forgive each other for this. I hope this ruins their whole friendship. I hope this festers into something awful.

The one kid that was left really was trapped though. He wasn't built for climbing and he had no one to work as a distraction for him. Every time he started trying to make it up the fence, my sister would just twist up like a spring, then swing the cable with both hands right into his spine. The slap it made every time she did that was loud enough to hurt my ears. He never made it more than two hits like that before hopping off the fence and just trying to run around some more. He could get Liz tangled up in the bikes for a bit if he really tried, but it never bought him enough time to actually get out. She'd always find her way out of the thicket, swing the cable, and send him running again.

Eventually, he just couldn't run anymore. He sat down, and my sister hit him a few times, telling him to stand up. He refused. He knew he was gonna get hit either way, so he might as well get hit sitting down. He put his arms up after a bit and let those take a beating too. Eventually he just started begging her to stop. So she did.

He cried he was so relieved. I remembered how that felt: It’s done. Thank God, it’s finally done. They’re done hurting me.

Liz told me to come in and show him my back. I took my shirt off, and I showed him a scab as large as a dinner plate. Cracked up like dry river mud.

He looked sick. Started babbling about how he didn't know. Said he thought I was crying because I was just a kid - that he didn't know he was actually hurting me. That he'd just wanted to get a rise out of me and didn't know it would take so much.

He didn't know he'd gone too far until it was too late.

And suddenly, it was like looking in a mirror.

Two snotty, welted boys, crying alone in the dirt. Backs burning like fire. Ashamed. Trapped. Realizing that they'd just done something awful, and worse, that they’d dragged the people that meant the most to them along for the ride.

I hated him more at that moment than when he drug me over gravel. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill anything but their own brokenness reflected. Looking at him was unbearable. Like staring straight into the sun.

I could've hit him again if I hadn't just gorged myself on violence. But I had. I was fat with it, sick and aching - anything more and I would have puked. So I just told him to get his bike and go. Please. Just go.

He did. He staggered to his feet, and he grabbed his bike before running away like all the demons in hell were following behind. All bar two. There was a swingset nearby, and once he was fully out of sight, Liz and I walked over to it. We picked two seats next to each other and sat for a while, talking until our hands stopped shaking. Can’t remember about what. We didn’t really know how to process what had just happened. Still don’t, to be honest.

Then we went home.

---

Thanks to @elisabethdeep-blog, @foldingfittedsheets, @amateurmasksmith, @caramel-catss @arataya, and @rozenkingdom for being my alpha readers.

And thanks @lizardho, for being my first friend, my best friend, and my childhood bodyguard. I know it took a toll on you. I'm truly sorry.

3K notes · View notes