multiverse-sya

[multiverse-sya]

I don't know how exactly to explain this:

I was in a state of dissociation, feeling extremely lightheaded from constant anxiety, and had scary thoughts.

CW for the more detailed symptoms

My anxiety has extremely powerful symptoms. There is literally no part of me that isn't affected by it - even with my best efforts. And from all the adrenaline and anxiety tremors in my nervous system, it felt like my physical form was breaking apart. I felt fully detached and numbed from my physical body and only felt my phantom body in total clarity at the moment. It took me a few seconds to ground myself, but even as euphoric as it made me feel, it was still a weird and scary feeling.

I guess this is the body's way of trying to escape a threat: by fully dissosciating from the present and the physical world. I can think of no other psychological explanation, other than spiritual ones, which I have many of. But I personally like having something more empirical and objective to fall back to. In my philosophy, the spiritual impacts the physical in one way or another, often psychologically.

I suppose this is an example of extreme dissociation and how it impacts the physicality and psychosomatic symptoms of my nonhumanity? I'm not certain.

[multiverse-sya]

So the reason I don't talk about it on my blog is because certain daily events has fuck all to do with alterhumanity. But my mental health is really bad.

Life long severe anxiety and constant trauma triggers over exotrauma and this life trauma is horrific. Really, the only things I don't have is psychosis and mood swings

Small hiatus

Mental health is really bad rn

[multiverse-sya]

Small hiatus

Mental health is really bad rn

[multiverse-sya]

I can apparently mask my thoughts and shifts well. I do this by temporarily repressing my true feelings and putting up an act by ignoring or downplaying them completely in certain situations when I feel guarded.

I first noticed this mechanism while holding multiple conversations at once. One example of this would be talking or typing online about some sort of weird experience or shift while holding a real life conversation about something unrelated and mundane. I am also able to temporarily lock those feelings from the surface away while on a different discussion. And this isn't something I do consciously. I am prone to freezing and locking up for a few seconds if I am reminded of noemata in real time conversation though

The closest thing to describe this would probably be code switching? But I'm not sure. I don't know what the exact psych term is, but this is the only scenario I do this in, when I try to hide my secrets.

[multiverse-sya]

Why are humans such uninteresting animals? All the other animals have antlers, tails, cool ears, fins, hooves, paws, wings, fangs and so much more! And humans are just plain looking creatures. I would love to have a tail. Like what would be the best treatment? Do you shampoo it? What jewelry would be made? What beauty standards would get created with tails? So many questions but no way to answer 😔🙏

I just want humans to have interesting features because I feel so left out :C

[multiverse-sya]

I was looking at the moon during daytime hours and got some sort of strange flashback to an alien world. While trying to think about where it was from, I was suddenly reminded of these end credits from a cartoon, a clip I haven't seen or even thought about for about 20 years.

I misremebered the setting of this place being on a purple, alien world, but when I looked up the image, it was only a normal jungle but with the talking, alien animal, (that much, I remembered.) But I don't know where this purple/blue imagery from back in the day came from.

I feel like I saw a purple planet in this lifetime, as a little kid. But I can't find any media where I would have seen that. So I see one of two possibilities. 1. I saw something like that but just can't find it. Or 2. I dreamt it. Which would connect it to my early alterhuman related experiences and make it a possible memory of the planet I grew up on.

But since it happened so long ago and I haven't really written it anywhere, it will remain inconclusive. These memories from my childhood feel pretty old and vague, so I can't really extrapolate further without making things up.

[multiverse-sya]

There's A Monster in the Mirror and It Looks Just Like Me ///// Dysphoric Destiny

when the panic fades away and the fear does too, the object in the mirror looks just like i do

there's way bigger problems out there, but i can't bear to see this face anymore. how to face the world when i can't even face myself? the feeling subsides sometimes but im still stuck looking like this.

[multiverse-sya]

I experience the opposite. I get so many strange similarities between things that happened here and things that happened in my life, instead of differences. I would already have certain memories about it, and then similar themes end up happening to me again down the line in this life. I have a lot of trouble rationalizing it.

It'll probably puzzle me until I die, but I really wanna know why certain things are mirrored in my Ben noemata. The cars drive in the other side of the road. Irl I'm right handed but in that life I'm left handed. Why did my brain decide to flip things around?

More importantly, has anyone else experienced this kind of completely meaningless but somehow bewildering difference between your present life and past/parallel/future life?

[multiverse-sya]

I want a place to share jokes about my species and experiences, but no one would get them. So it just ends up stewing in my head.

They'd make such good shit posts, too.

[multiverse-sya]

being precieved as the species i am would heal me i think

[multiverse-sya]

somethin small i did based on some feelings and how my brain refuses to see ourselves as human in any way.

[multiverse-sya]

This essay was harder to write than I thought, but it's finished. It's the first time I put these particular feelings to words.

This speaks about my connection with the kro.kul dr.aenei, the planet of Argus and how I engage with these feelings through role play.

[multiverse-sya]

Writing one last essay about my broken dr.aenei paratype and my para hearth home that I've procrastinated for about a year to write. And then I can take a break.

But I want to quickly write it before the inspiration fades.

[multiverse-sya]

The chronological order of the events in which it happened is completely scrambled. But I think it's all from the same life time. I was able to live for a very long time, and that spanned multiple human life times. The events that happened and the people I missed still hurts me even if it happened early on in that life. From my standpoint, it would have happened maybe 600+ years ago, but I'm not certain exactly how much time passed.

alterhumans with past lives, do you ever think about what order they happened in? do you believe that if a past live happened a while ago, your memories (if you get those) would be weaker, and if you had a live closer to now, the memories would be stronger?

if your a fictionfolk, do you believe that you might feel closer and miss canonmates more if your past live (again only if you have these) was closer to now, and miss them less if your past live was farther away?

[multiverse-sya]

sorry to be a hater of sorts. but you are not an animal, or whatever else other than a human that you happen to identify as.

it is not about wanting. it is about BEING, and if you look in the mirror you’ll realise you’re just a human. it doesn’t make a difference if you struggle with it. get over it. a lot of people have to get over it. you cannot be indulged in a fantasyland 24/7. quite simply, grow up

Huh, I don't think I've gotten one of these asks since 2017...

First things first, starting off a rather hateful and concern-trolling message with "sorry" doesn't alleviate you of any potential harm done. You're trying to upset me. You're rude, you're mean, and you clearly realize it, since you're only willing to say these things anonymously. Don't try to soften your blows by apologizing preemptively. It's bitchy at best and belittling at worst.

I'm gonna take a guess and say this is a copy-pasted message, since you couldn't even be bothered to name my therio-/kintypes. How many other people have you tried to upset with these messages? And for what reason? What's your goal? Is the world not cruel enough already?

But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, since these kinds of messages have become such a rarity, and since I haven't written anything for this blog in months. Consider it an invitation to reach out again some day, once you've mulled things over. I'll get vulnerable with you and lay myself bare, and in return I hope you'll consider seeing me as a person, instead of just a target for your anger.

You say reality, identity, and self-perception ('cause that's what this is; that's what otherkinity is) is about being, not wanting. I say that's an oversimplified worldview.

Who can we be if there's nothing we want? A person without desires is hardly a fully realized person. The identity of the person who wants something is as genuine as the identity of the person who has achieved something - even if they're perceived differently, and their material realities are different. The musician who dreams of going platinum, but who never gets out of dingy bars and self-published mixtapes, will still see a musician when she looks in the mirror - even if others just see a mediocre hobbyist. Even if others compare her to professionals, natural talents, and nepo-babies, whose achievements she can never hope to reach. Should the wanting musician let others define for her what it means to be a musician? Even if her music is bad and she'll never hit it big? She wants to be a musician. She plays because of her desires. She lives her life according to her wants. Does that not make her wants a part of who she is?

To some extent you are what you want. The line between wanting and being is blurry.

I do want to be nonhuman, on some level. I'd gladly give up this life to live as a gnoll. I suppose my desires are fantastical, but no less so than those of the poor musician who dreams of going platinum. Should she stop playing because she'll never achieve her dreams? Should I stop calling myself a gnoll just because I'll never have the body of one? I act out being a gnoll, through my digital persona, my fantasy scenarios, and my art. I do what I can to be a gnoll. I am as much an embodiment of my desires as the mediocre hobbyist musician is.

Have you ever gotten what you wished for?

I collect trading cards as a hobby. After years of searching, I got some of my dreamies and completed parts of my collection. I felt satisfied for a day, but the satisfaction quickly turned into boredom and listlessness. My instincts (be they human or gnoll) crave the hunt more than the kill. I get a greater thrill out of wanting than achieving. I wouldn't be happy without my unachievable desires.

I think, on some level, to want is to be.

And while my wants may be strange, at least they don't involve deliberately trying to hurt other people.

[multiverse-sya]

You, Alterhuman

You, Yes you. You should go read Skin Deep by Kory Bing right now. It's one of the most deeply alterhuman works of fiction i've read in a while even without it trying to be that necessarily. The characters are handled fantastically, the conflicts feel so grounded, and the alterhuman aspect of it all is so intertwined that it doesn't feel real. Skin Deep is still ongoing, but has been running since 2007 (that's almost 20 years!). Also a word of note, because this comic was started in 2007, there are a few (and I do mean very very few) instances in earlier chapters of the totem animals being referred to by the name of another creature that should not be spoken or written. However, this stops shortly afterwards and they are only ever referred to as Totem Animals again. Then again, every work has its flaws, but I do think this one is fantastic and represents such a wide range of creatures that I don't think I could ever hope to achieve.