mum-of-the-year-blog

[mum-of-the-year-blog]

FFS

Back to work properly today, in that I had to cook something 🙄 I hate cooking, like really hate it, I don’t think I’m even that good at it? I have good ideas? But if they’re not put into action within the first 3 days of term you’ve got no chance. How I’ve fallen into catering I don’t know, especially cooking for kids? I mean they’re alright? But when you’re having a bad day you can’t drink through it! Not like when you’re catering at weddings and parties, things going wrong? Let’s leave the cars here and have a drink. Anyway good day today, remembered most of the kids names, they remembered mine. One asked what I’d done in the kitchen all summer whilst they weren’t there? One was telling me what year he’d gone into and I said oh my daughter in that year, he replied ‘you’ve got children?’ I’m not sure if that was a compliment as I don’t look old enough or he couldn’t believe that some poor children had to live with that miserable bastard dinner lady! So both mine are back at school, I forgot to take a picture of Amy today, I got one of ellie yesterday?? But being mum of the year Id forgotten to get her a new jumper anyway so I could just recycle last years? I mean I’m the 3rd and last child in my family and there probably thousands of photos of David, hundreds of Paul, probably a dozen of me? Some of them would be lovely if I was smiling, I perfected my resting bitch face at 3 or they’re so bad you could put them over the fireplace to keep the kids away save yourself some cash on a fire guard! It’s something I’ve got used to so she will too 🙈

So last week I discovered a nail in my tyre, I’m getting Better at this shit, I went and had it sorted today 👌🏽get home and now the poxy fire alarm bleeping? FFS give me a break, I mean I know it’s not the end of the fuckin world but I can’t get the thing off the ceiling bastard thing just keeps beeping, now if it wasn’t also connected to the mains I’d just hit it with a hammer? That solves all problems? Right? I mean I currently can’t fix the front room door cos I tried to wedge the new thingy in with a hammer 😳 bumper come a bit loose on the car hit it with a hammer? Headache? Let me hit you on the knee with my hammer to take your mind off it? Problem solved!

I’ve put new batteries in the fire alarm! 💪🏽 yeah the wrong fucking one! It’s the one upstairs that’s bleeping and it’s so close to the top of the stairs I almost fell down them trying to fix it! Strong independent woman my arse!!!

[mum-of-the-year-blog]

Miserable Bitch

I’ve not got bored honest, every time I’ve almost finished writing the last week my phone has shit itself and died and I’ve lost everything! And I’m a miserable bastard at the best of times but as last week I was suffering my first ever 3 day hangover and I’ve been back working I haven’t got time or inclination to rewrite this shit so I gave up.

3 day hangover from bank holiday Monday, it was like I’d never been out before, a whole day to be me, I didn’t get a text or phone call all day! The kids just got on with it ❤️little treasures! What a day, spent with some people who are fast becoming some of my favourites (don’t tell them that though, don’t want to ruin my aloofness! Is that even a word? Is it even the right word?) I cannot believe how rough I felt and for how long, the only food I could stomach for days was Pom bears and dry coco pops 🤢 I woke up on the sofa on the Tuesday with my hand wedged in the coco pop box 🙈 (dunno who I’m trying to kid I have Aldis own)!the first time I fancied something was yesterday and that was Larry and George and I don’t even like lamb but that was proper munch, really nice. I like to name the meat I’m carving, especially when you’re doing 2, carving up peppa and george when there’s little kids about can be quite entertaining 🙈 I’m the sort of bastard who when they go on the ghost train at dymchurch, the least scary ghost train in the world, when you come outside for a little bit and there’s a queue of kids like to scream ‘for the love of god please let me off please please god let me off’ 🤣they’re parents love me.

But let’s be honest when life’s going right, I haven’t broken anything, knocked anything down, kids have been alright, the dogs not tried to kill me by tripping me up down the stairs, the cats are still 4 legged, furry, pointless, ungrateful bastards and you’ve been having a good time making new friends and catching up with old ones it just isn’t funny? It’s quite hard to write about too!

So as much as I don’t want stuff to go wrong, I like it when the kids are behaving, I could do without anything breaking as I’m desperately trying to save for Amy’s Birthday and Xmas so that I can continue to have a bit of a social life as I’ve got lots of birthdays that require celebrating coming up (mines November!) it’s not making for a fun blogging Julia. I’m sure something will give me the arse soon enough and I’ll go off on a rant, that can be quite entertaining 🙈😳 so I shall try harder to write my blog, although I’ve worked out how to save a draft it’s getting a right pain in the arse having to keep coming back to it, I’m getting quite good at this stuff now, located my dipstick, put air in my tyres etc just to work out how to rebuild a wall and I’ll be on fire 🔥 xx

[mum-of-the-year-blog]

Staying sober till Monday.....

How's that going Julia? Well I'm hungover this morning, couldn't string a sentence together last night on the phone to Lou or keep my eyes open, I was awake but I just couldn't open them. So yeah it's gone to shit! I mean I'm going to have to avoid a community family picnic today because I can't trust myself as there's a beer tent? Now I'm obviously giving the impression that I'm a bit of a drinker, I like a drink but I don't need a lot as usually I don't drink very often but there have been exceptional circumstances recently, holiday, boredom, doing the washing, cutting the grass, not being able to get the dipstick in etc Yesterday's excuse was I was going to a party 🎉 I even made myself a pimms before I left, being the sensible responsible adult that I am I used a shot glass as a measure thinking it was 25mls so chucked 3 shots in as 50ml just isn't enough, yeah...... the shot glass was 50ml already. Most people don't get pissed on pimms, I can I usually have to kick the arse out of it but it is possible. So I'm already a little bit on my way before I got to My cousins 2nd birthday party (yes you read that correctly I'm the sort of monster who pre drinks before a toddlers birthday party 😳) got to spend the afternoon with my favourite Mullers, ate, drank and was merry! Bob enjoyed catching up with everyone, Ellie got to show everyone how good she is with children and has lined herself up about 5 people to babysit for in a few years and Amy was happy as she had a ball and the small entrance in the bouncy castle to shoot it through! Katie also got torpedoed through the same entrance, she's marrying cousin Luke next year, I'm going and I can't wait! was only going to go for a couple of nights but think I may have to extend my trip because I am not going 20 mins down the road from ayia napa and not going out with her and everyone else it'll probably kill me at my age, but you're only having a mid life crisis once so I'm going to stretch this out for all it's worth!! Someone asked me yesterday if my eyes were mine? I must've looked really puzzled? Whose else would they be? Can you swap eyes? I mean if you can I quite fancy trying brown? It proper baffled me! Then they said 'ah they are yours I've just met your children?' What did they think I'd left the kids at home and borrowed theirs? I'm still at a loss if I'm honest. 🤣 Kids got me home, now this may sound irresponsible but it proves I've taught them the green cross code, and they know where we live!see I am a responsible parent!! (Before anyone gets on to social services drunk Julia only stops being able to open her eyes, hold a conversation and function once she's safely indoors and the girls are all tucked up in bed, I mean it does start going a bit downhill after that) I didn't abuse the little arsehole down the road who keeps trying to make my Amy's life a misery or push him off his bike, I wanted to but I wouldn't have been able to move fast enough which sober Julia is happy about as the girls were with me, it pained me not to though. (I'd like to point out that he's almost 18 and Amy's 10.) I'm #winning this weekend 😳 right let's try today, I must stay sober till Monday 🤣

[mum-of-the-year-blog]

What happens at 4.45am?

Not a fucking lot, I know this because I am awake before or at this time everyday 🙄 some people say it's a spiritual awakening? It's not I need a wee. Then I lay thinking which you would think is a dangerous pastime for me, but I'm not debating world peace, usually I'm thinking about whether or not animals have a chat when they meet up, is there like a cat stop a bit like a pub and they have bigger cats stopping the dirty foxes getting in? Today I thought maybe this can be the year I stop letting Father Christmas take the credit for all stuff I skint myself buying and they'll all know it's me? If before I go to bed I drop a couple of tramadol I can lay there for ages just wondering about stuff, once I laid there for about an hour wondering who decided what numbers were 'called'? and why If the twenties are twenty one, twenty two, etc why eleven, twelve, thirteen... aren't onenty one, onenty two 🙈 it's like my brains a hamster on a wheel sometimes it's going too fast and I can't keep up and sometimes it's fucked off completely and just left the wheel rocking a little bit. But only before I go to bed or at 4.45am, the rest of the time it's quite a rational brain, if a bit emotionally detached. So if that's a spiritual awakening I think it's safe to say I'm about as spiritual as a brick. I've had a good few days, I've nothing to complain about, the kids have been cool, no road rage, so far nothing been broken or knocked down, I ordered a dipstick for my car and I can't get it in the hole? Is it the right hole? It's not too big for the hole? I still need someone to show me how to put air in my tyres, Lee tried to explain it to me but I think the hamster was having a nap, I was hanging and still have absolutely no idea what he meant when he said it will tell me on the tyre about how much air to put in? What do you mean how much air? Surely you can't weigh air? So how does it know? So I'm going to go to a garage and loiter till an adultier adult turns up and I'll ask them! Bob will show me but as he's as patient as me he'll get the arse! I mean I ordered a dipstick and can't get it in the hole how I'm meant to get that thing on and off the tyre? I cut the grass and the basket ball hoop didn't fall on my head and give me concussion, I need to trim my bush but as I don't do the edges of my grass because the strimmer scares me I'm going no where near the bush cutter thing. Me and Bob went to book him in to have his sleeve finished and I walk out with another tattoo? I have absolutely no self control, I was only popping out Thursday to have a quick drink and chat with a mate, got home after midnight absolutely shit faced. I blame Bob for texting and telling me he didn't have work tomorrow and to have fun 🙈 so I did, proper random night, so much fun! Now to reign it in till Monday but there's a community family picnic Sunday and there's a beer tent, there's also a kerry and maybe a lou........ I've got to stay sober till Monday! I've got to try at least. 🤣

[mum-of-the-year-blog]

I can't get no sleep 'now in your head do the tune'

Been awake since 4, something's bitten my lip and it wasn't Tom Hardy 🙄 so I kinda look like a lopsided Lesley Ash, now whatever it was could've bitten both sides and then I'd have looked like I'd had fillers, obviously as I'm out out Monday this is not just going to fade away gracefully and come Monday I'm going to look like a crack addict! Who also walks like a man in drag as the only shoes I've got to wear I can't walk in till I'm at least 5 drinks in, now usually I'd be a few drinks in before I left the house but I'm out all day and even I'm not that savage! To imagine how I walk, Think Whoopi Goldberg leaving the bank in the film Ghost 'I ain't giving it to no Nuns' (that's for you Jode!!) you tube it if you don't know what I mean. I've still not ironed the tracksuit, I'm thinking of sending it to Jens, My kids can't be angry at my mum so if she burns it or makes it shrivel up so Bob can't get the arse with her!! Or withhold her board money. Me and the girls had a good day yesterday, I don't think I swore once, lost my shit or threatened to change the wifi code, I dunno why I bother threatening them with changing the wifi code, they look at me with disdain every time I do as they know as well as I do I have absolutely no idea how to, I'd probably try to do it from my phone and end up hacking MI5 or something. I almost managed a day with out insulting someone, till we got to the skate park, I was subtle about it, the bloke/teenager in question heard me, but I don't think any one else did? You know how it is at the local park, lots of kids there enjoying it a group of bored teenagers not trying to spoil things on purpose (to be fair to them they're not a patch on me and my mates at that age) but being Herbert's and making all the parents feel uncomfortable as they want to tell them to reign it in a bit but are worried about it turning nasty. Anyway, he was a big lad, older than the others I'd say but obviously a twat as instead of being at work he's hanging round with kids 3 or 4 years his junior. Now I like a swear up, I'm like a navvy at times, it's not big or clever but that's me, but He was something else, he made Bernard manning look meek and mild. So he's telling some ridiculous story about a girl (you know the sort of story I mean) which was obviously bullshit. I dunno what mirrors he has in his house but they're not the same as the rest of us, now I know beauty in the eye of the beholder but his personality was pretty poor too! So I'm sat there looking at him, my face says a 1000 words without me meaning too, he's trying to style it out and carry on his story as though I'm not there just staring at him and I just thought to myself 'it's a shame your mouth is as big as your tits, if it wasn't we wouldn't all have to listen to your bullshit' thing is my mouth was moving at the same time and I actually said it 🙈 at this point he stands up really quick and says 'Come on let's go to the shop' I did momentarily feel a little bit guilty, my Dad still tells me to think before I speak now at the ripe age of 38, but I was thinking it I just didn't realise I was speaking it! But he did pipe down a bit and the littler kids seemed to be having much more fun! Amy thought it was hilarious she told me yesterday that Grandad Neil is her most favourite person on earth (he's one of mine too) after a moment of jealousy I got a bit choked, they have an awesome relationship, it makes me happy to think my kids love him and my mum as much as I do. was nice to finally spend the whole day with my Loulabelle and put the world to rights❤️, see Kerry if only briefly ❤️and to have a chat with Nat, who always cheers me up when she gets ranty and supportive on my behalf ❤️ I have a wonderful family, but my mates are also something else! They make me feel like I can conquer the world if I want to but also if I don't want to that's alright too! They call me a prick, take the piss out of me relentlessly but you can't call me fat no more though can you 🤣 they always pick me up when I fall which is easier now I don't weigh as much. Bit of a soppy ending, they're all dickheads really but they're my dickheads 🤣 x

[mum-of-the-year-blog]

Shitty Shitter of a day

Bra shopping today, massive ballache! Well actually without them I spose it would be boobache? Discussion on why she can't have the same ones as me? Struggle for an explanation other than well my bras have to work harder than yours? I mean my body has hardly been a temple so they need to be able to lift and make them look bigger? I didn't say that I need the boys to be in a good position in case I ever break down, need a tyre changed or perhaps a discount on something? They're behaviour has been something else today, I mean why wouldn't it be a good idea to try and drop kick one another in the head in Sainsbury's? Whilst some poor old lady trying to get past them! Or play the floor is lava in the crockery aisle? And cling to the shelf with all the mugs on it? Little shits. Then the whole 'mum mum mum mmmuummm' thing, in differing styles of whines 😩 then apparently answering 'mmmuuummm she's trying to punch me in the head' with yeah I know how she feels is not appropriate? I mean it's not like I said if she doesn't do it I probably will, did I? I salute all the mums that stay at home and deal with this shit everyday, if I have to look at one more fidget spinner that I've seen everyday for a week or hear about conspiracy theories they've heard on the internet, today's was that Donald Trump son is a time lord? I love my kids more than life itself but Christ they drive me to complete distraction some days. Then something that puts the fear of god into every Mum of adult children with good jobs and expensive taste happened. I mean all the usual fears are there, I hope they're alright, get home ok when they're drunk, no idiot picks a fight with them etc but this is a heart stopping feeling of dread. We returned from shopping, I go upstairs to sort his room, I do this as 1) he is still my little boy 2) I've tried ignoring his room but the smell soon gets too much 3) I don't know if anyone else has ever noticed this but Men don't spend their change, like I'll stand there counting out all my pennies to some poor bastard working the checkout in Aldi whilst the queue building with absolutely no shame, but men chuck notes at it, get their change fuck off quick and do the same thing in every shop they go in! Which means all change on his bedroom floor and in his pockets is mine, he knows this if he can't be arsed to empty his pockets or pick his change up I can put it in my purse them the rules, some weeks better than others £6 this week which isnt the best, I've had £18 before!! anyway I get a load of washing and find in the basket a tracksuit that cost more than I earn in a week and probably more than a small country spends on its arms budget 😳and the responsibility of washing it is mine 🙈 my heart starts thumping, I feel a sense of panic so I'll be honest I drank through it L, I've washed it on it's own and I've had a couple of vodkas to see me through the cycle, I also had 2 apple sourz as I've run out of vodka, haven't had them for years! So I've had 2 more! I don't think it's shrunk? I mean there's a bonus if it has, it'll go on eBay and I can treat myself to some new trainers Why he can't buy snides is beyond me, it's just too much pressure! Then there's the instructions on how to iron it but I can't really focus on what they say as it's in tiny writing and every time I try to get the magnifying thing up on my phone fucking Siri pops up giving me suggestions on what to ask him and actually thinking about it I should probably wait till the bastard thing is dry before I iron it 🙈best look again in the morning 🤣Haven't sworn at them once today, which after the day we've had is an achievement but did call Bob a bellend but in an endearing way? He said something funny and I kinda punched his shoulder and called him a bellend. Like I said my life is dull, washing a tracksuit and not shrinking it the highlight! X

[mum-of-the-year-blog]

Me,

So this is blogging? I don't really see what's different about this than Facebook to be honest. I'm a brilliant Mum 🙈 🤣to 3 kids, 19, 12 and 10 and on Facebook I like to give little anecdotes of my day and what's happening, not much today I've been to Nando's and the ice creams nice?? Who makes a fuss about chicken? I mean it was alright in a chickeny sort of way? And I felt about 111 In there as the average age was 18? And it was like a scene from the only way is Essex so even though i thought my tan was good I felt like an Irish ginger person (no offence Irish ginger people I love your hair and paleness but I want to be somewhere between David dickenson and the Cuprinol man) School uniform shopping and a discussion about Bras and why we wear them, for me personally it's because I haven't got enough room in my waistband after eating to keep the boys tucked in there. I managed a day where I only swore at them once and haven't called Bob a bellend at all! #winning. I think my life a bit boring but after bowing down to peer pressure as I'm so easily led I am, as has been suggested, starting a blog. Today's is dull, I dunno if I can promise they'll get any better? I mean they will gradually get lots of swear words in them and if I've been on the sauce maybe a bit of filth chucked in for good measure. I complain a lot, shit goes wrong a lot, I love my kids but sometimes they get right up my nose so I might go on about that? I'm shit hot at road rage so there maybe a few tales of that, I get proper pissed off at self righteous judgemental dickhead parents, you know the ones who don't see only swearing at their kids once and not calling their first born a bellend as an achievement, the ones who don't drink in the afternoon (at least not so much they fall asleep at the pool bar whilst their kids are swimming), who's kids have never eaten a dirty kebab but have whole meal pittas and humous for their lunch. Which I spose also makes me a self righteous judgmental dickhead parent? But I've managed to get another human being through childhood, teenage years and he's now a man, I know what I'm doing! I'm blundering about buggering it up like everyone else. I don't really know what I'm doing with this, I may like writing a blog or I may get bored. We'll have to wait and see. X