mummablue

[mummablue]

Depression the silent killer.

Such a deep sense of misery and unhappiness, it’s like a darkness seeping into every aspect of your life and you can’t stop it. Like a room filling with thick smoke, yet you can’t find the cause, you can’t see where it’s creeping in from & it’s suffocating you. You cannot find a way out. The light is gradually disappearing and you’re lost in the dark, alone and scared.

You’re in a constant fight for your own life, hanging from a cliff by your finger tips, screaming into the void, the pain is so intense you just want to let go, if you let go it might stop “WHY WONT IT JUST STOP?”

Your heart aches for the life you should have, you’re mourning the calm and happiness you so desperately crave, like a part of you has died already. You’ve lost a part of yourself and it’s never coming back.

It’s like standing over your own grave, watching yourself being buried alive…your life is that hole in the ground, being filled with mud, each shovelful of dirt representing your bad decisions!

In the nothingness, there is only sadness and pain, the world is caving in around you, crushing your soul.

You want to ask for help, but feel so pathetic and ridiculous, because nobody could possibly understand how you feel. And what could they even do? In that moment, you fully believe there is only one way to escape and that nobody can help you. It’s not selfish or wrong to feel this way, as there is no logic with depression, just an overpowering sense of negativity and grief, that drags you down so hard, like an anchor falling to the bottom of the Black Sea!

Everything is so twisted, you can’t think straight, the voice in your head is screaming at you YOU’RE USELESS, MENTAL, WASTE OF SPACE, VILE, UNLOVEABLE, STUPID, WRECK, UNWORTHY, FAILURE!!! you have such a distorted view of yourself, you cannot see or feel anything good, there is truly nothing worth saving.

You just want to fade into the darkness, disappear, close your mind and your soul, never to be awakened again, drift into eternal sleep, so everything just stops….

I just want everything to stop!

Jina Davis

[mummablue]

[mummablue]

The Backwards Train

So I sat on the train, the wrong way round today...I was going backwards. Normally Id move as it makes me feel nauseous, but as we pulled away I decided to stay put and see the world from a different view.

Was a strange feeling, watching the houses and gardens disapear off into the distance, the fields and the trees being dragged away.

It was like the whole world was being taken away from me, sucked into a massive vacuum, never to be seen again!

Just like life and memories gradually disappearing into the past, being sucked away like the trees and the fields, it was not a feeling I was comfortable with.

I wanted to reach out the window and grab hold of the world and not let it disapear, but of course thats quite rediculous, you cant stop the world from going by. You cant stop time, you cant keep things as they are or were, you just have to let them go.

I don't like the feeling of going backwards, being stuck in reverse, its like failing or falling and not being in control. Thats why I like my motorbike, it doesn't have a reverse, no matter what you do, it will only go forwards.

I only want to see the world coming towards me, not being dragged away! So next time, Im going to sit on the train the right way round and go forwards!! You have got look look life right in the eye, not turn your back on it!!