muppetmaster3000

[muppetmaster3000]

The feeling of Belonging

It feels like belonging is something slipped into, there's no way to earn it it just happens.

[muppetmaster3000]

Hey Blong

So update. Turns out I was in love with my best friend Ash and that's why I was so unhappy with my girlfriend. This marks the second time I have gotten in a relationship and distanced myself from Ash to try and make it work with the girl I didn't love. I feel bad for putting Eliza through our six month relationship, and her having to bear this heartbreak. She wanted to get married to me. But I can't spend my life feeling sorry for her, I lied to her, I've lied to past partners when my feelings changed. That's not okay to do, it ends up hurting them way more in the end and it makes me not want to live anymore.

Not that I never loved Eliza, we had a real good thing for a few weeks, but she was hesitant to love me back for the first few months. It fucking hurt, I think I could've hurt Ash in the same way.

My roommate ended up going to the mental hospital, I fucking love Chris and he almost killed himself. He texted me he was out of the hospital but hasn't replied to me asking how he is feeling. I don't know if there's anything else I can do aside from text him that I love him and want to see him in the dorm when he's ready to go back to school.

The first time I met Ash was my Junior and her Freshman year (I know scandalous). We were wearing the same Maniskin hoodie she was so warm, exited, and loving that I was taken aback. I remember walking through the halls thinking "Wow I'm 17 and I have a crush on a 15 year old", and I know what you may be thinking, "Wow muppetmaster3000 sounds like a bad guy, but dear reader if knew the two of us you'd see this was the kind of love empires fell for. Even now that I'm 19, I fantasies about being with her, taking her to parties, and living with her. It feels good to see love again.

[muppetmaster3000]

"Son, don't let another man break your back, when you workin' the shovel" -from this running book i'm reading.

[muppetmaster3000]

The Writing Speaks for Itself.

Last Wednesday my roommate told me he almost jumped out of our dorm window. He cried for some time before we "went to bed", fucking crazy. The guy lives in our room and never talked to anyone aside from his online friends and me. So I get why, to be honest I thought about it too sometimes.

So then the woman I'm dating came to visit me this weekend and it was alright. To be frank life had been bland before and I wasn't having fun staying with her. Plus she loves me more than I love myself and I've been such a phonie to her and everyone in my life for that matter.

I may have missed getting into UT Austin by not submitting a form on time. Currently I feel scared, but in the moment I felt so free. Like life had just opened up. Funking hell, for the first time there was uncertainty in my life, like what I did mattered again, It made me unstoppable. See I was like James form the Billy Joel song "James", had life planned and was safe, and so fucking depressed about it. I cant live the conventional way, I need uncertainty, to live moment to moment never knowing what's coming next. I'm great at planning and predicting, but with those tools I bult bindings. I'm fucking free.