musings-of-half-ameriasians

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

Sept 2021…

In about a month’s time I will be crossing yet another life milestone…home ownership and living by myself for the very first time. And also being a doggie mom! Exciting but also nervous 😅

It’s been awhile but still having fights w the sister and family w the same issue. My sister will never be the friend that I want/need her to be. Nothing has changed in my mind about the fact that she is never a part of my life and once my parents are gone chances of us gathering and meeting up will be even less. I just need to come to terms with that.

Lessons I have learned in my 30s that I wished I learned earlier…

1. there’s no one to rely on but yourself.

2. friends are only your friends when they need something from you.

3. Even family - despite growing up with what you thought are the same values could still see things completely opposite from how you see it.

at this point…I would just rather be single than deal w all the issues associated w relationships. Just let me find activity buddies in life. And friends who are like family who will have my back.

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

New beginnings

Fast forward from August 2019 to now March 2020...my birthday month. I am turning 36 at the end of the month. 😳

Life has changed, I now have a job and recently I have been able to meet a few new friends. Still not nyc caliber but I guess better than local Hawaii 🤷🏻‍♀️

The sermon yesterday was quite real and timely. It talked specifically about the husband struggling w porn and how the wife had to deal with it and how they both overcame it.

I am not going to lie but as a soon to be 36 years old I have come to terms that a woman has her needs too. How she chooses to satisfy it differs but at least there are ways to deal with it. But If you choose a certain way, you should also know and come to terms with the consequences and repercussions. At least that’s how I operate. Before making any decisions, I always think of the potential worst repercussion and if I can handle that then I weigh rather or not I should go through with the decision. And hey if I let my feelings and emotions over come my practicality, then so be it. I will live w the consequences.

However it saddens me to see girlfriends around me who are more of the simple nature get taken advantage of and end up feeling hurt Bc they make spur of the moment decisions based on their feelings or physical needs. Do they not know themselves enough at the age of 36 that they still fall prey to the sweet talks? Or are they just so lonely that they need someone? 😓 sigh I mean I guess age doesn’t matter since emotions can definitely influence decisions at any phase in life. Women of all age and sizes get taken advantage of.

At the end of the day you learn to move on except that a little piece of you might have died along with it. The child-like innocence can no longer exist within you because your heart was hurt and it has hardened just a tad more. You cannot unsee and unexperience what you have seen and experienced.

In the last month I have had two guys say to me that I make them feel less than what they are and that I seem above them. 😅 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean I am a mature and secure women who has established her lifestyle because I have worked hard to get to where i am. Is it my fault that you feel less when you are with me because you found out what I have done for work and where I have gone to school and what comforts I have in life? Then I am sorry, please man up. I am sorry that you don’t have class and haven’t experienced the finer things in life but your life decisions has nothing to do with me. Don’t make it sound like it’s my fault when you tried to show off to me but failed. You cannot impress me with how much you make or brag about the little that you have accomplished. I know it’s harsh but the Chinese saying where bamboo doors match with bamboo doors and wooden doors match with wooden doors have never been more clear to me. If you feel like you are not good enough for me then make yourself better! Don’t blame me for having a life and experiencing life and actually using my brains and hard work to get ahead in life!

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

Aug 2019...maybe a little more than a year from the last post?

Since then I have gone on to see my first ever therapist for a therapy session in April 2019. I think I bawled within minutes of talking to her and just couldn’t help but let out all the pent up anguish, sadness, frustrations and etc. She agreed that my sister doesn’t seem too caring and that I seemed to have “given up” a lot to be “home”. In terms of friends she said I needed to reach out to let them know that I need them to be here for me now. Sorry but I disagree with that...I think I have tried reaching out so many times already and still no response. Friendship is a two way bridge and if there is no reciprocation then it’s not a friendship. Talking to her really pissed me off actually because she wasn’t helpful. That was back in April after I lost my job. I had to take a vaca away from all of this so I went to travel for 2 months in Europe. Hoping to feel refreshed and figure out what I want to do next.

During my travels I felt so “alive”! I met so many like-minded friends who appreciated similar things in life. I felt like my senses were stimulated and felt like I was learning. I admired and respected various individuals I met along the way because we shared life stories. We are at each other’s cross roads in life. Everyone has a story.

I stopped by Seattle for a bit at the end of my trip to see if I could live there. And I also felt very much alive. Surprisingly I also had a lot more friends there than I realized. I asked them all similar questions....at what point should I value career or significant other over family? I feel like my sheer “presence” alone at home is enough to fill my parent’s cup but it doesn’t even scratch the surface of my cup! I feel trapped and useless here and life is just wasting away. I have no real relationship with anyone here, not even my sister. Not even at church...which was normally my safe haven. After the stay there I realized I really should move there. I am 35 and i feel that I should have a bit more of a “career” and that it’s too early to give up and work in Hawaii.

So I came back to Hawaii all refreshed and ready to look for work again. Had two interviews with Facebook and amazon. Rejected by one with no feedback and waiting to hear back from one after the second round today. I don’t know if I can move forward... :( I don’t feel qualified. And on top of this I got a call from the unemployment claims office saying that if I resigned without pursuing alternatives I would not qualify to collect benefits. How did this come about when all along I thought my employer will not contest?? Again all I can say is HR is NEVER on the side of the employee.

Now I feel hopeless again. And so the thought of retiring at age 35 came about. What’s there to life? I only work so I can put bread on the table. If I can have enough income generated why even bother? But then I feel like I am wasting the talents and opportunity that God has given me. Or maybe I don’t even have any worthy talents after all 😓

Back to square one....

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

I saw this exhibit more than 6 years ago in nyc...I still remember it vividly because I was in between jobs and was able to go the fast line because of the corporate tickets from ex-colleague.

That time, I was 28, just beginning to feel the “tiredness” of life. Yet at that age I still had that little something in me to keep fighting and keep hoping. For job, for friends, for church.

At that point I still had the energy to go and mingle and meet people. (Sidebar, but is it really an age thing or just feeling of fitting in thing?). But right now, at least in Hawaii, I really could care less about going out to meet people. I have tried this past year and have made maybe 5 new friends? None of which I can say I wouldn’t mind seeing repeatedly on a weekly basis :( it’s like to me, they are so not “quality” that I’d rather just sit home and watch tv by myself.

1) it feels like an effort to meet up

2) we don’t really have convos where we’d just laugh and learn about random useless things that friends teach each other

3) I guess I also don’t feel the need to since at least the parents are always home when I am home (should I move out so it will force me to need to meet more people?)

I am beginning to doubt if the move back was the right move for me...I am just not “happy” here....as in NONE of my 5 senses are stimulated in ANY way. I am just here as if because I ran away from nyc, bc it drained me so...physically and emotionally. I no longer what to manage all the intricate human relationships and juggling between socialite friends. But now that I don’t even have friends, I kind of wish I at least need to juggle something. 😣 #grassisalwayagreener

And even today, though we spent thanksgiving together as a family. I couldn’t help but not feel loved. Imagine when my parents are gone, it’s useless to rely on my sister to even remember my existence. Down from her rather having all of us wait over an hour for dinner when she could have had her husband go and put his name down to cut the time by at least 30 mins; to when she “conveniently forgot” to keep her aisle seat on the plane for dad Bc she wanted the hubby to switch seats so they can sit together; to at the end of a long day at universal, they stood in line to get warm food as me and parents went to the bathroom, once they are done and she saw that we saved a table for them, THEN she tells us if we wanted hot food to go get some too...I mean hello?! Could she not have asked when they stood in line? and knowing the parents are eating their bread, could she not have asked for extra cups of water??? Seriously I guess I have been spoiled by friends who juggle between friends and family well. I must say I am disappointed in my sister. Her husband is her WHOLE world. So all her words about caring for me when I am old and me living w her and etc really all mean crap. I can count on my two hands how many times we have “hung out” just her and I in the year that I have been back. I have told her many times that if she’s off during the week that she can come eat lunch w me too...but nope it’s always the hubby. She doesn’t even come eat lunch w the parents. She comes home once a week for dinner more because it’s a “chore” or obligation....and when we are at dinner, it’s still the same small convo btw the two of them as if the parents and I are non-existent. I mean seriously you are only home once a week for 2 hours and you can’t even keep your eyes off the hubby and focus on the family?!

Seriously because of what I have experienced at home I really don’t know why I ever came home. Like my good friend’s mom said...if I am only moving Bc of family, then I shouldn’t. I should just continue to live my life and build on my friends Bc once the parents are gone, I will be all alone anyways. It’s one thing if the family life is filling my cups now but it’s not filling ANY. Other then ease of life meaning I have a home w hot meals waiting. But I have close to zero mental or emotional comfort other than knowing they are there.

Seriously I don’t even know why we need to have these family trips other than it’s an obligation for my sister.

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

Paradise?  Think again....

It’s been almost 5 months since I made the move back to Hawaii from New York City.  I have been noticing the little things that irked at me in the past few months but I’d just tell myself that “It’s ok, it’s only been a few months.  Things will get better.”  But I think i had a mini break down this week.

Convenience -

In NYC, for all my doctor’s appointments, I was able to make them either before work or after work on a week day.  Ie. 7:30/8am appointments or 5:30/6pm appointments.  But here I have yet to be able to find any doctor’s app after 3pm or before 8am.  And it’d take at LEAST 2/3 MONTHS before i can actually schedule a doctor’s appointment.  In NYC, that’d just drive patients crazy.

Standards -

I recently went to get a haircut, this place has almost 90 4 star reviews.  I could NOT believe my eyes nor my hair cut experience.  The whole cut took less than 30 mins where 10 of those was for hair washing and another 10 for hair drying.  I wanted to have my long straight hair layered and trimmed by about 2″ and she was able to get that done with less than 15 swoosh of her scissors in under 10 mins.  The result?  Of course now my hair that was originally nicely layered is now some ragged uneven homeless person hair. =(

Food -

Almost every single restaurant that i’ve been to here are all SUPER overly salty.  Is it because all the food are imported hence they need to cover up the lack of freshness with seasoning?

Online dating -

I have never in my life met so many guys who put “Loves to travel” on their profile and yet either doesn’t have a passport or has one but never been used o_O” Basically they are 3rd/4th generation immigrants in Hawaii who’s NEVER left this rock.  HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE TO TRAVEL WHEN YOU HAVE NEVER GONE TRAVELING?!?!?!  

Can someone please help??? I think I’m going to go crazy soon!!!!  Mind you I have already joined as many groups as I can to try to meet more friends/people (since i have been away for the last 15 years, I really have no friends here).  Been to probably 7/8 churches by now, been to 2/3 small groups, joined a few hiking grps where I’d go at least once a month, and even joined the board of some non-profit so i can be more involved.  But it seems like the late 20s-early 30s age group is NONEXISTENT here!!!! I’m still going crazy with the boredom and lack of people on the same wavelength....hheelllppppp =( I don’t want to get depressed.  Any former New Yorkers here to help???? =....(

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

Commitments...depends on the conviction of the human

In my 33 years of life i can only recall one other time where i was so irritated/stressed/hopeless to the point where i couldn’t eat.  And being the semi-foodie that is me, that’s saying something.

The first time was when my manager at that time told me there was no more role for me on the team.  But then she had converted another contractor to full time just two wks after and then promoted my coordinator to my role.  I have heard that she has since then been fired so i guess she got what she deserved.

This is the second time.  Where my housemate just dropped the bomb on me the night of Aug 14th after i worked a full day having landed after a 10 hour red eye flight from Hawaii at 7am.  She not only did not hustle to send me pictures of the place so i can post it online.  She also didn’t post in internally in our building link or any other websites other than craigslist.  With only 3 pictures of the room, blurry and unappealing.  After no sleep the night before i spent the night posting the listing on as many sites as i could think of and reached out to friends i knew and had secured two apartment viewings the following night.  She didn’t seem to get the importance and timing of this situation.  I only had 10 days to look for another roommate which she knew full well because i would be on a two week vacation starting Aug 26th.  Our lease would end Aug 31st. Time is ticking as she is sitting and not doing anything.

Some asked for clearer pictures and i sent an email to my housemate to ask if i could take pictures of her room the next morning (in better lighting). She said “Of course!  i’m sorry its a bit messy. I’ll clean it up and take some in the morning.  it looks better when its bright outside.”  So 1) am i not correct to assume that she agreed with me that we need better pictures? 2) that she had offered to take the pictures??

So next morning, she sends me two pictures of just the closet space.  

i asked “Oh you didn’t take other pics of your room?”

M “Uh no...what else did you need?”

me: The items that you are selling...clearer pics”

M: I’ll clean and take them the weekend. Does it make a difference to show them to someone viewing the room now? They can just come see the stuff when they view the room I don’t understand

me: I want to update the pics w the current pics of your room so we set clear expectations

M: I sent you my apt pics already I mean my room pics And the closet Please use those

Me:  (already annoyed at this point as it was early in the morning on my way to work)  Look I understand you don’t quite care but you are screwing me over

M: XXX get a grip I sent you pics Me: But having non clear pics you even said so yourself last night

M: ok stop it

Me: it’s nicer with brighter pics M: I am actually done with this convo Me: That’s why i offered to take them M: Talk to you later

 Was i wrong to want to put up a more appealing post to attract more viewers???

And to add more background to this...when we were negotiating the rent to our apt of 3 people.  i proposed to her that i know the price of her master’s room is a bit high. i think we can lower it to xxx and then raise the price of the smaller room.  my concern is that if she moves out one day, i’d be stuck w her pricey master room that no one will take and then i wont be able to raise the rent of whoever is in the smaller room because they would be there already.  She came back and said no, bc she thought it would be unfair for me to charge more for the smaller room.  she is irritated that i won’t up the rent to my own room (which is slightly bigger than the smaller room).  but i questioned, why should she care?  because for her own purposes, her rent to the master’s room is capped as well.  She still maintained that she felt it was unfair and that she wouldn’t post for it or help look for third roommate.  plus why is it unfair, if it wasn’t for me who’s been in this unit for the past 6 years, you won’t even have this amazing deal.  regardless, i said fine, i can post and be the bad guy. and then we talked about it some more and i gave in and said ok well if you are uncomfortable and can commit to this year at that higher price then so be it.  i will post the smaller room at the lesser price.  

Lo and behold...a month later she told me she’s moving out!!!!  Seriously??!?  Now i am PRECISELY in the predicament that i had anticipated that i didn’t want to be in.  the higher priced room being vacant and we’ve already committed to someone to the smaller room at the lesser price.  So the options now would be i eat up the cost and pray and hope that i can find someone in 8 days.  Her name is still on the lease because she’s verbally agreed to do it.  We just haven’t gotten anything yet to sign because our management is also being stupid.  I’ve been chasing them since July 1st and it’s been a month and a half with over a dozen emails.

In this situation....i wish there was some legal provision in the contract/lease telling us how much notice you must give to terminate the lease/contract.  because i would love to keep her deposit just so i can have someone move in oct 1 instead.  i don’t even know how to bring it up to her.  i would think that’s the fair thing to do when she only gave me 15 days notice that she’s moving out AND she’s not even hustling to help find someone.

FUMING and ANNOYED.  in this case, though there was verbal commitment it doesn’t mean anything.  and i bet even if she had signed the lease she would still have moved out and still leave me hanging.

CONCLUSION - selfish people have no commitments! 

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

I started online dating around December 2013, when I was about to turn 30. I have an established career here, a decent circle of friends (most are married by now), belong to a decent church community, and volunteer to teach international students once a week. But despite all the activities, life in NYC just makes it hard to consistently meet people to let organic friendships run its course.

I can't don't really remember how many guys I have met online in the past 3 years but of those whom I have met, maybe only 2 were decent connections. The rest of them just send messages like the ones I have shown per the uploaded pic.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND how they would think that whatever they said was ok?!?! How did their parents teach them??

(TBD...)

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

Fresh off the Boat...

Recently I met roughly 20 new international students from China.  Amongst them, some of them came from developed cities, some from smaller cities, some had been well traveled, some stuck in their small towns.  And somehow based on this experience, their outlook and personalities also differ.  The well traveled ones definitely had a broader mind set and look at things from many angles.  

One of the more touchy topic that always come up is the fact that I was born in Hong Kong.  When this come up, the responses that I get are:

“Oh I love HK!  It’s such an awesome city!”

“Oh, I went there before, I don’t like Hong Kong people, they treat mainlanders very rudely.”

Now of course we can’t generalize the whole of China based on the representation of 100 international students, but there certainly is a correlation between those who are more open minded and those who refuses to consider the other side.  

Typical statements from the mainland Chinese:

Hong Kong vs. Mainland Chinese

“I don’t understand why the people in HK are making such a fuss or dislike mainlanders so much, we are sustaining their economy.”  

But the response I always give is simple economics.  Yes, you are sustaining the economy, if all you purchase is luxury goods.  However, in recent years, visitors are coming to loot the basic daily necessities (ie. milk formula, salt, sugar, etc).  There is also a grassroots population that survive on meager wages, but when there is a limited supply and increased demand, the business can now increase the prices because they know there is an endless demand from the mainlanders.  These travelers come well endowed and can pay as much as they want, however the same cannot be said of the grassroots in HK.   And somehow their response was always “Oh, I never realized that was the reason.”  And I am always surprised that they do not understand this simple concept.  

Now of course I am not saying the attitudes of HK’ers are the best when interacting with mainlanders.  It’s not right to discriminate or look down upon them, all we can say is, they were brought up in a different world and the way they behave is the way they have always knowns.  It will take generations to change that.  

Food in Mainland China

When non-mainlanders talk about the news that they hear about:

“I heard that they now use tiny strips of paper to make rice!  this was discovered when someone saw a little piece/string sticking out of one of the grains of rice and started pulling.  The grain quickly unraveled into a long strip of microscopic paper.  I also heard that they dye pork into a diff color so they can be sold as beef.  They use human hair to fake as black seaweed that people eat....”

I was shocked when all the students say, well ya we all know to avoid those karts and places because we don’t know what those are.  The students even said:

“Ya we give up caring already.  We just eat it since there’s not much we can do about it”

How can they not care? How can they just accept that that’s the Chinese way?  How can they condone such dishonesty?  

It’s funny that he even shared a story about his friend who came to the US for college for 4 years.  That friend shared that his health and body got so much better in the  4 yrs that he’s spent in the US.  The minute he moved back to China, he fell ill again and has been sick continuously.  

When I see them succumbing to this “reality” and believing that there’s not much they can do, it is just quite disheartening.  And as cliche as this sounds, I am very fortunate to be able to begin at least on a similar starting line and by god’s grace, I was able to have more time for other exposures.  

And at the end of the day, we just have to make sure that we are all comfortable w the term date.  

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

Feelings of being the last pick...

In your usual group of friends, there’s bound to be someone who’s loved by all.  And that person is no doubt the one who always plans bday gatherings and surprises for friends.  In this case, that person is one of my close friends herein the city.  We used to celebrate bdays together since our bdays are just 2 wks apart.  But recently, planning the celebrations has gotten so political and caused so much misunderstanding amongst friends that it became disheartening to even try to organize.  Though we are jaded, at least we can tell who still semi cares, when they try to plan to commit to celebrating with us.  (yes, lots of flakes here).

Now, in the same group, there are those who are like me, who is in the group by association.  I know I don’t do as much as her, but I also contribute to the execution and planning of celebrations though somehow she always get the credit.  But time and time again, it just becomes a stab to the heart and I can’t help but feel just a “tinch” of hurt when I find out after the fact that a mutual common good friend chose to take her to an exclusive concert (without even asking me); would always take her to a nice restaurant (but only eats in chinatown with me); when there’s a good new friend in town, always think of introducing her him (knowing she’s taken and they won’t be able to communicate bc of the language barrier whereas i am as single as can be and won’t have the language barrier).... how can I not notice these?  

I mean all these things, I can do them all too but I just have to organize it myself.   i ended up getting tickets to go by myself to that concert/exhibition (not to the exclusive part bc tickets were all sold out), and I organized dinners at new restaurants that I want to try, and I just go to more events to meet new friends.  But just this feeling of having to do everything on my own...it’s so 辛苦. This feeling of being picked last and thought of last.  

What’s even more depressing is....how can i be 31 and still have these childish thoughts?   Snap out of it! 

Please don’t get me wrong, her and I are great friends.  I’ve seen her break down and cry one too many times over the years so I am truly happy for her when she feels loved.  But it’s just...where’s my love?

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

What to do when you are struggling at work...

I got let go in early 2013 from my 5th job since 2006.  As a 31 one year old, it took me over a year to finally get my 6th job back at an investment bank.  I started off my career in financial services for the first 4 jobs.  At every job, I was probably hired because of my pedigree and I am thankful.  But for the 5th job, I took a 180 turn and went to work at a startup.  But still, I didn’t last long and was made redundant again in not even a year’s time.  

Each time after losing a job, I reflect and try to figure out what went wrong.  And I have identified the issues: me feeling entitled, me not detail oriented enough, me not building the credibility that i should be building, and not managing up adequately.  After the reflection, I readjust my mentality and go on the hunt again.

The one year of being unemployed took me on a roller coaster ride emotionally but also made me realize what I can/cannot live without.  I hid away from friends, did nothing but job hunt, and basically hibernated.   During that year of search, I’ve come to realize that banks and big corporates are just hard to get in without the right pedigree, so why don’t I try to leverage off of my pedigree and try to get back to a bank whilst I still can?   After 4 banks and 1 start up, I can still swing my answers in interviews that I’ve tried it but I still prefer the former.  And finally after a year, I finally found one.  Working as a contractor with a great team doing interesting work.  

After a month of contracting, i won the support of a few managers and they raised the point that they will try to raise headcount (in this hiring freeze environment) to convert me to full time.  But now in the third month, that seems to be on hold with the director of the team leaving to a different group and a new head joining.  (story of my life...in 4 of my 5 jobs, i have had mgmt switch)  I also just got feedback that the team knows i want to stay on as full time, but they need to make sure that i am capable first.  (meaning - they don’t think i am.  I had big shoes to fill and so far they don’t think I am cutting it.

Got into a few moments this week where it brought back deja vu moments of feedback from previous managers.

1) That my presentations/speech are not structured enough.  (Even though I did plan out and write down my points...I can’t seem to grasp what i am missing?  I was on debate team in school and structured great arguments....how do i translate this to the corporate setting?)

2) That I spill out answers about questions when I was not certain what was being asked.  (people would ask me questions and I’d answer just to get them off my back, but the answers I give almost never helps...it’s always back down to let me check and get back to you...when I should have just say that to begin with)  <-- I know I need to learn to stop respond so quickly.  but still manage the balance, since i can’t always say let me check and get back to you every single time i am asked a question.

3) I don’t keep others in the loop and timing to manage expectations.  (even though I thought I had, others don’t perceive it as such)

4) Get stuck on tiny details that prevent me from getting the big thing done (also missing the point of the assignment even)

How do I begin to even address these?  Am I really not good enough?  What am I doing wrong???  Sigh....was it wrong for me to leverage my pedigree?  Am I really not cut out for this???  I just want to get in a job where I can be for the next 30 yrs so I have time to focus on actual life...family and community! =(

[musings-of-half-ameriasians]

Easter...

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...James 1:19

New York City is a tough place to live.  Yesterday, I was able to bring a few non-Christian friends to church for the first time I’ve known them since 2008.  

It all started with a simple text asking me, “Hey is there Easter Service today?”. This, coming from a friend who always seem to have it together and also the last person I’d expect to even ask me about church.  I saw him the night before and he looked more tired than usual, more disheveled than usual, and just out right sad.  I should have noticed it then when he said he was too tired to catch a movie.  Until the next day when he inquired about church.

Long story short, he was going through a rough time with the long distance girlfriend and even on the verge of a break up and needed a place for solace and comfort, and his first thought was...church.  

I, as a believer, have no power to convince or even drag people to come to church with me.  All i can do is plant seeds and the timing and heart changing is all God.  

I’m thankful that this is a first step for them.  As the Pastor said...everything that we think is the end, when the credits start to roll, is only but the beginning.  I hope that this is also just the beginning for my friends.