musingsofametamorphosis

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Im sitting here thinking, why am I in such a vampiric mood? not that I don't always love them but i'm feeling it very strongly right now. Maybe it is the "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love aspect. The deep obsession and admiration between vampires and their mates, the way they speak romantically and poetically, give special gestures of love like letters, gifts, hunting together, sharing stories and the wildness of their sexuality. Its the comfort I find in the gloom and darkness of the world and the way vampires thrive in it. The way they have all the time they could ever want to study any topic or skill they want to know about or learn, to read as many books, to see history and the future. To be able to experience traveling the entire world, living place to place and never having to stay put for long. Their undeniable beauty, speed, agility and overall provoking appearance. Maybe all of this sounds silly, but its like a longing I have, a strange connection to the undead and its obscure ways.

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I found myself thinking of the redwood trees, remembering the feeling I had standing next to one. It was as if I was as small as an ant in relation to the size of that giant beauty. It made me think of my place in this world, and how truly small I am against it all. Which seems like it would be kinda depressing but it was actually so comforting to see that there is a whole world out there so much bigger than me, and it reminded me that my life experiences were like the smallest little blips in time & space. I should embrace that there is so much more out there besides my little bubble of perspective, like these giant redwood trees that live in the most beautiful lands of our country. The forest was a healer for me. My heart aches for its unbelievably beautiful views. I miss feeling smaller than the world around me instead of the world around me feeling small.

Nature: Redwood Forests

The redwoods, once seen, leave a mark or create a vision that stays with you always. No one has ever successfully painted or photographed a redwood tree. The feeling they produce is not transferable. From them comes silence and awe. It's not only their unbelievable stature, nor the color which seems to shift and vary under your eyes, no, they are not like any trees we know, they are ambassadors from another time.

Requested by @its-astrotea-love

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seeking, yearning, reaching hands

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Los Dictadores translated, Pablo Neruda

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Walpurgis Night, Constantin Nepo, 186

There is something about this I just love it. You know how I feel about horses. I love that all the women’s hair matches the manes. And they are so wild and free, the horses & the women…wind in their hair riding off into the sky. It feels like some women at peace. So free.

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Lucky number 23

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The Black Sea at Night, Ivan Aivazovsky

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Lol ok yes this is a meme from a post I sent you but I think it’s verrrrrry relevant to our interests. Happy full moon 🌝 ✨

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This was my first time reading this one and it pierced me right through the soul 💘 It’s our secret desire put into more perfect words than I could ever say

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When I saw this I thought of us. There’s two little cottages here, one for me and one for you. With the beautiful water flowing and the mountains painting the sky. This is where I can imagine us being when I close my eyes, like you said something tucked away only in your mind.

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I’m having another one of those phases where if I look at the news one more time I just may finally be crushed by the weight of the world. I can’t help but feel everything we know is collapsing. I hate this country and it’s never ever been great, but to really watch it all burn (literally and figuratively) is just really something else. Of course history has led us to this climax, and there is that deep karmic consequence coming to fruition that I know is justified— all I can find myself wishing is that I had been born somewhere else in another time. Where and when I don’t know because let’s face it there is probably no great time or place in humanity, but I know there were little pockets somewhere and maybe still somewhere out there now. Although I am not a fan of this time period. I want to take my family far away into a world that doesn’t even exist. Something that is only in my mind or something out of a book. This is probably depression setting in because I can feel myself wanting to escape INTO an actual book as I type this, just like when I read The Kingdoms. There’s no point to this. Just a stream of consciousness that I had to get out and let flow. I feel like crying when I see that picture above because I wish I was there in that place in that moment, everything still.

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Spotted this randomly and thought of you. Very Taurean.

“Sowing Stars” by Valera Lutfullina

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Courtney’s to do for the year:

1. Get a massage for my birthday

2. Go bowling with Matt

3. Find some staple wardrobe pieces in my color palette

4. Newport aquarium with Scarlett

5. Stay in a cabin for 2 nights with a hot tub

6. Scatter my dads ashes at bernheim

7. Take Kara to goodwill outlet

8. Buy a new couch

Im sure there will be more lol

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I want to come back to this, but this is a list of things I want to try to do this year:

1. Take a vacation

2. Have a kid free pool day ☀️

3. Stay a night in a hotel

4. Go to Bernheim at least once each season 🌱

5. Go to the zoo 🦁

6. Get a massage 💆‍♀️

7. Read something that’s been on my shelf too long 📚

8. Have a spell ceremony 🔮

9. Do an in person tarot read together me & you

10. See a movie in theatres 🍿

11. Go bowling 🎳

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What am I too serious about?

Ace of wands 🪄

This card is talking a lot about starting on a new creative venture or project, or showing up when you have the potential to grow on a personal and spiritual level. It is essentially like the spark to start the fire. It’s like, hey, you’ve got that I initial drive and motivation for this because it’s truly the right path for you to take…but remember, the fire won’t keep itself lit you have to stay the course and put in continuous effort to make it come true. I liked reading that because I know I can always start out strong on something I get the desire to do, but then I fizzle out and let it go to the wayside. The word that comes to mind is CONSISTENCY. I definitely need to find balance in this area of life.

What am I not serious enough about?

The hanging man ⛓️

The Hanged Man calls you to release the old mental models and behavioural patterns that no longer serve you so you can see your world from a new perspective and embrace new opportunities that would have otherwise been hidden from you if you didn’t take a second to stop and pay attention. This is definitely true for me, because I want to operate as the person I am NOW instead of keeping myself stuck in the subconscious place of who I was before. The hanged man also can reflect when you feel stuck or restricted and it is asking you to just surrender and let go. On another level it’s saying, you are capable of shifting your energy so that you can be in flow with what is actually meant for you. This part made me think of my relationship. I am honestly not mentally in a place to delve more into that part, although it holds truth. It is the truth that scares me.

What am I capable of, best case scenario?

Six of swords 🗡️

This card represents being in a state of transition. Leaving behind what no longer serves you, and becoming who you are meant to be. It says use as an opportunity for changing your beliefs about yourself to move away from who you used to be to become who you WANT to be. This connects back to the last card for sure it’s like a double confirmation.

In reference to the six swords in the boat it says “These 'swords' may be memories, relationships, habits, behaviours, thought patterns and beliefs that are no longer serving you. Decide what you need to take with you and what you can leave behind.”

Enough said….

What am I capable of, worst case scenario?

Knight of swords ⚔️

Knight of Swords is a man on a mission. once he has his mind set on something, nothing is stopping him. He uses the power of his intellect to achieve his goals. This card is a sign of being highly driven, ambitious and action-oriented. The challenges, difficulties and obstacles on the path ahead don't faze you because you know where you want to go. It asks you to move forward with sheer strength and determination to make things happen.

This is the same vibe as my first card. It’s like GET IT DONE 💪🏼 big dawg you got this!!!

What should I be proud of no matter what?

The hermit 🐚

This immediately made me think about being proud of doing the deep inner work, reflecting, being self aware and in tune, and having the fortitude to be alone with myself to be able to dive deep and work on myself. It is like, be proud that you are good with yourself, and even if no one else was around you will always be okay because you have yourself. It is a respectable thing to want to better yourself and raise your consciousness to live to the fullest and truly connect with your destiny of who you are meant to become. I have always said the hermit card was truly one of my favorites, because to me it embodies being at peace with yourself alone, self love and care, and quiet solitude.

This reading was on point and rewarding but also gave me nervous butterflies. I know there are some things I might be having to release to get to where I’m going that will not be easy and some that will completely turn my life around. But here I am, pressing on, ready as I can be and willing to see it all through. Being scared or nervous can also be misunderstood emotionally, bc sometimes what it really is is excitement. Things are going to change this year. And I’m here to embrace it all.

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Something I’m too serious about: 2 of Wands ⚔️

I chuckled to myself over TOO serious and TWO of Wands. This card was representing the future and depicts two paths ahead. It had an optimistic tone but to me it showed my two possible futures in regards to all the things with Alex’s situation that I’ve been worrying about and the two very distinct possibilities and let me know to ease my mind about this.

Something I’m not serious enough about: The Emperor 👑

This is a very masculine card which I found interesting with my ruling sign being the Sun and how I’ve always felt very connected to the masculine. It calls for rationality over being controlled by emotions which is always relevant for me and it was a reminder to be serious about my commitment to that especially knowing I do have so many goals and accomplishments I do want to be serious about and give attention to. I can absolutely procrastinate and give in to my weaker urges because it’s easy and I’m emotionally volatile but I know I have that strength in me to overcome.

I wanted to note how I liked how these two cards seemed to play off of each other as far as them both indicating goal achievement in a positive light. That was really motivating for me and a needed message.

What I’m capable of in a best case scenario: The Hermit 🐚 “Peace and Inner Knowledge. Careful thought and contemplation.” Those kind of speak for themselves. If I have all the tools I need I know I can achieve these things. At first I was thrown by the hermit and the idea of solitude because I do feel very connected with my family, but then it mentioned withdrawal from the outer world and I knew that was my message. This is corny but it immediately made me think of social media and just the worst of society and affirmed my feelings that I DO need to distance myself from those things like I know I should even though the addiction is hard to fight, it will be so beneficial and help me clear my mind.

What am I capable of even if everything goes wrong?: Judgement ⚖️ This was an interesting card for me that I honestly was not at all familiar with. It spoke of health and rejuvenation and new beginnings in a karmic sense which jumped out at me as you know I’m putting my health at the forefront this upcoming year and it was affirming that I WILL get what I put into that whether everything else in my life is out of my control this is what I can control and I will see the results of that if I can work for it. It literally said “reap what you sow” which jumped out for me because that’s a phrase I have been using very frequently recently so I felt connected to that especially.

What I should be proud of no matter what: 9 of Wands 🗡️ I’m just going to post the pages interpretation below because honestly it just says it all so perfectly for me that my jaw about dropped. You will get it as soon as you read it.

Overall I’m just so pleasantly surprised and pleased with this. The timing was so perfect for the new year and so relevant to my worries and also to my goals and it just all spoke so perfectly to me. I honestly feel so empowered and motivated and hope I can keep this spirit moving forward strong into the new year.

I also wanted to note that I pulled two different Wands cards and that these cards are connected to fire signs and also action. That, along with that masculine draw, is just really signaling to me to pull out that lion strength that I know is within me. 🦁🔥💪🏼