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[mustardfaith]

PUT DOWN THE BLADE, PICK UP YOUR CROSS

For 9 years of my life, I intentionally harmed my body inside and out. At the age of 12, I began using a sewing needle making harmless scratches against my skin just to have something to do with my anger. Pretty soon I moved onto the razor blades from my mom’s bathroom. At the time, cutting was a solution for everything and it was all I needed. My day consisted of going to school, coming home, and isolating myself in my room. I kept my razors in a safe secluded place that would be easily reached whenever I needed them. They were my comfort, they were my salvation. Cutting was the only thing saving me from suicide. It wasn’t enough; I needed something more that would actually take me away from all the pain. That is when I entered the powerful world of opiates.

If you are reading this and you’ve experienced the comfort that harming yourself has given you then you understand the bitter sweetness of its effectiveness for that short moment. If you don’t, let me explain.

Cutting is a drug without consumption. A person may begin cutting to release the emotional pain and tension they feel inside. It is NOT done for attention. In fact, cutting releases endorphins, which allows a person to feel calm and at ease but only for a few moments. That short moment is what I lived for. It was the ultimate high and I felt safe I felt untouchable.  After that short moment is gone, guilt, shame, and thoughts of suicide followed. We become so addicted to those short seconds of ease that soon enough the scars and the warm crimson flowing down your skin become beautiful. and we begin to believe that the physical pain will rid of the emotional pain. We begin to believe the physical pain is our friend, our comfort and our solution… those are all lies.

My family and I have tried everything under the sun to find other solutions. But it wasn’t until I wholeheartedly sought on the SON when my life changed. Nothing I did could make the pain, the guilt, the loneliness, the feeling of worthlessness, the thoughts of suicide to go away. I’ve attempted suicide four times, I’ve hurt myself and the people I love countless times. One night, I really wanted to learn more about god. I’ve been reading his word of the bible, attending church and praying, but I wanted to feel more of a connection with him. So I logged onto Netflix and watched Passion of the Christ.

I’ve seen the movie twice, once in theaters when it came out and I was probably in elementary school. Second, last year when I tried to get back into church and do more for God. But this night something happened. My eyes and heart were open, my mind alert. Towards to beginning of Jesus’ torture I knew It was time to brace myself for the graphic images. and when Jesus took his first few whippings The Holy Spirit surrounded me and I heard God’s voice. He said, “You don’t need to hurt yourself anymore, see my wounds, see my blood, I already took the punishment for you.” TEARS SHOWERED FROM MY FACE. I watched this man sacrifice his body for the very people who persecute him. As I watched the whips slice open his flesh and the blood pool out of his wounds I saw myself.  I thought, “How could I do this? Why am I repeating what He has already sacrificed? How could I hurt my Father by hurting myself? He gave his life so that I may have life… And here I am destroying it.“

I knew from church that this man died because he loves me. but when I connected my self inflicting pain to the pain he suffered, all of my problems became so small. my excuses were insignificant. This man, my god, suffered the ultimate punishment which he being sinless did not deserve. He became sin so that you and me would be forgiven. His love is greater than any love we’ve ever known and I wanted to return that love by glorifying and honoring him.

So I apologized and pleaded for his forgiveness. I hurt my Father not only by ignoring him all of these years, but I hurt him by hurting myself. I promised that I would never hurt myself again. I knew I should be careful making a promise like this.  I didn’t expect myself to magically stop because I was an addict and that seemed impossible. But with the power of the Holy spirit guiding me and giving me strength I have been clean since that night.

God did for me in one night what no man, nor medicine could have ever done in nine years! God saved me. He freed me from the chains of my pain, he gave me truth so that I would not be deceived into believing I needed to punish myself. In those nine years, never have I had the ability to fight the urge to harm myself, but since that night God’s power has been with me to defeat my enemy. Satan has lied to me and so many of you. Satan has made us believe this [self-harm] is the only way out and there is nothing that can save us. But there is, and he goes by the name GOD and he sent his one and only begotten son to die on the cross for OUR SINS. The more I learn of his love, the more I fall in love with him!!! And he has led me here to share my story and to be the living proof of his power. Every day we are given a task and when we have Christ in our lives we can achieve it all and conquer our enemies. Accept god in your heart today, choose to follow him and allow God to give you the power to defeat your enemy, whether it may be cutting, drugs, alcohol, unforgiveness, cursing, lying, or cheating.

Jesus is still waiting on you, he is fighting for a place in your heart.

John 8:12        

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Nothing is impossible for God. He can and will end your darkness.

  Luke 9:23        

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

PUT DOWN THAT BLADE, PICK UP YOUR CROSS.

[mustardfaith]

The entire Bible goes out of its way to lift up the widow, the orphan, the foreigner, and the poor. God loved the “inconvenient.” If you’re not for them, you’re certainly not for the Bible, and the whole irony of it is that I’m pretty sure Jesus died for both them and for you, too.

[mustardfaith]

I thank God I live in a country where I can thank God.

Unclean Lips (via uncleanlips)

[mustardfaith]

In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him.

Francis Chan / Crazy Love (via worshipmoment)

[mustardfaith]

Pursuing God is about realizing more and more that He has been pursuing you all along, and slowly waking to this reality. It’s knowing that every ounce of effort you’ve made towards Him has been His wooing grace, beckoning you ever closer.

J.S. Park (via jspark3000)

[mustardfaith]

He has set eternity in the human heart, and that is something we can’t stop thinking about.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 // 12:39 a.m. (via worshipgifs)

[mustardfaith]

Love is so much more than just a feeling . As believers we are called to love through our actions. To unite whats been divided , to shine light on the darkness and to shed truth on the lies . And the truth is ONLY GOD can heal our divided states of America . @1of1doodles

[mustardfaith]

He will wipe away every tear, He will take us home forever with Him. Hold on to that promise, He is faithful.

[mustardfaith]

Truth Makes an Unexpected Appearance

I thought I'd share a little encounter I had with my son Laithan just now. He and his sister London are bickering in the kitchen over medicine.. Laithan runs to me crying because London told him that the medicine is hers and not his. So he asks "mommy is the medicine mine?" I told him "no, it's everybody's". So of course he runs to tell his big sister the truth about whose it is.. London again tells him the medicine is hers. And Laithan runs to me even more upset over what she says... ( there's a moral to this story I promise) so I ask Laithan why he would get upset about what she says when he just heard what I SAID . I tell him that he should never cry over what someone says to him. I tried to reword everything so he'd really get it (he's 4).. and said "I'm your mother, and if you ask me a question I'm going to tell you the truth. It doesn't matter what anyone says, if I told you the truth." Okay so this is where I caught myself almost in tears. Because I have been just Laithan so many times running back and forth to the Father because of what someone else said or did to me. and even though i walk away filled with love and truth, I walk right back into believing the lies of the world. So God and his sense of humor used this situation to remind me of two things .. the first: that I need to keep his promises close to my heart so that in all circumstances I remember whose I am and what I am . Not because of my situation at the moment, not because of how I feel that day but because of what God says is true. And the second: I need to put a sign on that medicine bottle that reads "everyone's". Thanks for reading I hope this blesses someone 💕

[mustardfaith]

For those of you who are reading along, how is this book impacting your life? So far my heart is being utterly wrecked but divinely stitched back together. God is using @lysaterkeurst to help unravel the past hurts from rejection and speak truth to those lies I’ve built my life on .

[mustardfaith]

[mustardfaith]

Joining the #soulscriptssisterhood was the best decision of the year so far ! I've already met incredible women of God all around the country. Something amazing happens when God brings a group of broken hearts together. @simplyjordanlee Teaches you how to really dig into the word. My soul is being fed in a whole new level . #givemejesus #sheislight #shewritestruth #lampandlight #livelifebeautifully #booksandtea

[mustardfaith]

I've written in journals since I was a kid. It grew on me as I've never considered myself a proper speaker, especially when it came to expressing my feelings. Starting with writing prompts in my school composition book, it evolved into a place to vent with each page titled "dear diary" (I've conveniently lost those). Now It's become my own little war room, within the pages filled with prayers and conversations with the Lord. You don't have to have the perfectly constructed prayer ever.. in fact, God wants your vulnerable, broken, sloppy and most imperfect version of yourself when you come to him through prayer ! What is your favorite way to spend time with Jesus ?

[mustardfaith]

When God made the world, He knew it would be a messy place. Likewise, when He made you, He knew things would get messy. God is bigger than your mess, He is with you in your mess, and your mess comes as no surprise to Him.

Unka Glen (unkaglen.tumblr.com)

[mustardfaith]

what books are on your reading list this year ? I need recommendations !

[mustardfaith]

[mustardfaith]

Better not to give into it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together again as it does to fall apart.

Finnick Odair (via onlinecounsellingcollege)