mvndcs - Tumblr blog

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: u wouldn't love me as much if i wasn't this difficult. i know u wouldn't, baby. i know ur heart. which was another reason why this whole thing was so fucking hard on me . u weren't acting like u. u better not. i'm not going to let u. let's just be perfect for each other. deal? u are everything i could ever want and more

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: no, i shouldn't but that doesn't mean i'm not going to be there for u. no matter what. we'll work on it together. ur already perfect to me regardless. always. god only knows how much reassurance /i/ need right now, i want to make sure u feel secure too. good bc i am in serious withdrawals from u, baby, i might make u carry me around everywhere, too, bc that's how needy i am. let me show u instead :/

MADISON: it's a really vicious cycle bc u cry bc i cry, but... i'll just cry more bc /ur/ crying. i guess ur just going to have to kiss me instead or there might be tears all night. baby, have u really been away from me long enough to forget what my lips can do to u? disappointing.

SHAWN: ur stubborn, u know that? i never wanna hurt u and i'll go to great lengths to keep that promise... but i won't ever leave u like that again, okay? ur the perfect one. i'll always be urs and there isn't a single thing u or anyone else can do to change that. i don't want u feeling insecure. that's probably a good idea 'cause i don't think u'll be able to do much walking after i'm done with u. i like the sound of that better :/

SHAWN: funny 'cause i was gonna kiss u regardless. all this distance got my mind acting up. think i might need a refresher :)

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: i know u were trying to protect me, and i love u for what, really, i do... but i don't want to be protected from u. i'm a big girl, shawn, i can deal with u being upset. but what i can't deal with is u pushing me away and drinking urself fucking stupid all by urself. that scares me. i said things i shouldn't've either. it happens. it doesn't change that i love u. still, it was selfish of me. i know that. i promise u that there's nothing else u don't know about. ur not going to be able to push me away so easily next time, i'm about to become the clingiest girlfriend ever. i'm crazy about u, too, baby. i think u haven't got a clue ://

MADISON: nooooo, i can't make that promise. i can still smile when i bawl my eyes out. ur only saying that now bc i haven't started actually attacking ur face with my lips. we'll be together soon, that's all that matters to me.

SHAWN: u shouldn't have to deal with it is what i'm saying. especially when i get upset like that. but i hear u... and i'll work on it. i promise. i love u, too. alright... i needed to hear that. lol u know i like clingy. especially when it's coming from u. then tell me how much, baby :/

SHAWN: i think u just wanna make /me/ cry. u don't think i'm counting on it? speaking of... i'm gonna need more than just ur lips though.

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: i get that ur going through a hard time. i want to be there making /u/ feel better, that's what hurts me the most. u get urself so in ur head, shawn, that u become a totally different person. i did do something wrong. i didn't tell u about that stupid situation with harry and luke. i should've told u. and... we both said a lot of really hurtful shit to each other. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for anything i did that made u feel like u didn't deserve to be loved unconditionally. just... promise me we're gonna grow from this. no more shutting me out. please? i love u so fucking much, shawn, i don't even think u'll ever know how much :(

MADISON: ok i just feel like i gotta warn u that i'm definitely going to be crying my eyes out when i see u again. like, it's happening :((( i'm being so fucking dramatic, but i can't do another day without u.

SHAWN: i know u do. it was very confusing for me, too. u've always been a safe place for me, so feeling like i couldn't come to u despite /really/ wanting to was a mindfuck. i thought i was protecting u by keeping u at arms' length. i know how harsh i become when i'm angry and i never wanna get like that with u. i'm really sorry i hurt u, mads. i mean, i get why u didn't tell me... i wish luke had never brought it up and i wish i hadn't asked u about it. but it's whatever, it's done. we'll grow from this, i promise. shutting u out made me just as miserable. i'm crazy about u... i think i have an idea :/

SHAWN: no more crying :///// i miss that pretty smile of urs. not dramatic at all, baby. if it wasn't so late here, i'd come get u rn.

[mvndcs]

━━ .˚✞ ˊ ❛ imessage.┊shawn.  ❜

LOUIS: feelings are just crazy anymore anyways. i hardly really explain my feelings without word vomit coming out lmao. where are you then ?? bc i'm also not in LA :) but yes !!! ME. the one person i'd want affection from is in the states so :/// my balls are blue

SHAWN: wish we could flip that shit off like a switch lol. also, notice how expressing ur feelings never comes out right? lmao i don't know how we write songs for a living. i'm in toronto :) i'm sure u can find a pretty face to distract u though. go wild.

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: i miss u too . . . more than anything. i don't think i've ever felt this low in my entire life and i'm not trying to make u feel guilty about it. i'm so grateful that ur doing better. i don't want u to feel empty. ever. i know u don't think so sometimes but u deserve the world and u have the most beautiful heart out of anyone i've ever known. i never wanted to be without u in the first place. all i do is fucking cry all day and worry about u. and us. and everything. do u mean it ?? i don't . . . mean to question u, shawn, i just really . . . need the validation rn :/

MADISON: i feel bad getting on a plane right now with the state of the world but . . . i would literally walk all the way to toronto if it meant i could to be with u again.

SHAWN: i'm sorry for all i'm putting u through. i really am. i wish i could make u feel better but... ig i just don't know how to do that lately. u did absolutely nothing wrong and i hate that ur crying because of me. i mean, u kept showing me love even when i couldn't return it... baby, i love u so much. it'll always be u for me. i mean that.

SHAWN: i know, baby. we'll be careful. i can send a jet to pick u up in the morning. easy and quick so i can have u in my arms again :)

[mvndcs]

.｡.:* sms *:. ｡. ✉️ open

niall: he could say nothing. he CHOOSES to bring me up. he doesn't often bring up liam or harry. just me. his bestest friend. not u. haha. oh fuck wait...i'm getting confused between all the ppl u have beef with. js. he's not married. my bad. that's true. we hit our peak. my heart just can't let it go yet. right? it'd be a fucking hit.

niall: myself shawn. myself. actually nah, but TRUST me. i need someone to adore me v much. i'm way outta my league here. i'm v greedy, everyone knows that. i'm glad, someone gotta get u in ur feelings innit?

niall: of course, i'll help u b safe. cos i'm nice. i feel ya man, i really feel ya. i'm getting sick of my own voice, and i honestly never thought that'd happen tbh

shawn: right... well i no longer have a best friend so i'm currently holding auditions for this newly vacant position and rn louis is a prime candidate. about to steal ur so called best friend right from under u :) lol get the fuck out. i don't have /beef/ with anyone. just, u know... keep ur dick away from my girl. u really did. left it on an amazing note. i should've quit music after illuminate. my fans won't stop reminding me that i've yet to top that album :/

shawn: damn, who's got u working for it like that? i haven't been /out/ of my feelings in weeks. y'all need to leave me alone.

shawn: sick of ur own voice, huh? now u know how the rest of us feel. i'm kidding... don't cry.

[mvndcs]

dove‌.

DOVE: i mean, you could always do what i was too dumb to do in the moment and try a wig !  DOVE: blond suits more people than you’d think! DOVE: but honestly if you ruined your curls i might unstan

SHAWN: lol so i take it u actually dyed ur hair ?? SHAWN: i think it would just throw people off and the world already has a beloved blond canadian... it wouldn’t have much use for another one :/ SHAWN: oh, so u only stan me for my hair then ?? i’m hurt.

[mvndcs]

━━ .˚✞ ˊ ❛ imessage.┊shawn.  ❜

LOUIS: i honestly think i might just be overthinking the whole ordeal y'know ?? i get really in my head about some shit sometimes, terrible habit but isolation with no one visiting you is pretty haunting. either way, i wish i'd stayed in la. everyone i wanna see is there :/ and the low chance of me getting / any / affection is back in la too so .. it's just me and .. me ??

SHAWN: i mean, i don't think ur overthinking. sounds like ur just processing ur feelings. i just recently learned about the benefits of dealing with my feelings instead of avoiding them. lowkey not that great lmao. like me :) except i'm not in la anymore. any affection? /u/? come on.

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: i love u more than ANYTHING, shawn. i know that doesn't mean anything to u right now. but i swear, ur the love of my life and nothing is going to change that. nothing can change that. i don't want to break up either. i really, really don't want to break up. baby... this is going to be really fucking hard either way :///

MADISON: i do want to see u. i don't know when i'll be able to hold u again. or kiss u. and i really, really need that. fuck, shawn, i hate this so much. i'm going to miss u. i'm going to miss u every second i'm not with u. please get urself better. seeing u like this scares me so much.

SHAWN: i miss u and every single day that passes by, it feels like yet another part of me dies. i don't think i can physically take not being with u any longer. i did the whole taking it easy thing and it's been... good, actually. i've been good. i promise. drowning everything out with alcohol was a hard reflex to rid of but i think worse than that is the emptiness i feel inside. having u so far away from me has only confirmed what my heart already knew. i can't live without u, baby. i /don't/ wanna live without u.

SHAWN: if i arranged for u to fly here, would u wanna come?

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: oh. okay. i'm glad. i'm glad he's with u. i don't hate u, shawn. i promise u that i don't, i just don't understand... any of this. i don't get where this is coming from or how things could get so bad so quickly. i don't know what to believe or think or feel. what does this mean ?? for us. now that ur leaving. u said we're not breaking up but this is... exactly what it feels like. i really wish i was enough to make u feel better. i don't know. it's not about not wanting to see u. i just don't know if my heart can take watching u leave.

SHAWN: i'm really relieved u don't hate me. i know. i'm not sure i do, either. i mean, i still wanna be with u. i don't want us to break up or hit pause or anything like that. i understand. it's up to u. i don't wanna make things any harder than they have to. i just really wish i could hold u rn. even if i'd be risking never letting u go.

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: i just don't get how ur thoughts and opinions of me could change just like that . over something like this . what terrifies me is how quickly u've turned on me . i don't understand how u can say those things about me and still want to be with me . ur not the problem , shawn . ur fucking human . and it doesn't mean u deserve any of the pain ur going through . u don't . there is clearly some deep seeded shit going on with u . but . . . if we're gonna get through this together i just really need u to stop making /me/ the enemy bc all i want is ur happiness . shawn , i don't know what u think i'm asking u for but all i've wanted is u to be here so i could help . but if i can't make u feel better then i guess . . . i have to deal with that . doing WHAT for me ? breaking my heart ? making me question everything that comes out of ur mouth ? no . i don't know any of that . i feel like if that was true , u'd be here to so we can work through this together .

SHAWN: my dad is here. well, he got here this morning and... he wants me to go stay with him for a while. i don't wanna leave because i know u'll hate me for it but, madison, i think i need to do this. i'm no good for u like this and i wanna be good for u. u deserve nothing short of that. god... i know u'll never forgive me for this and i don't know how to prevent that. please know this wasn't an easy decision and i'll miss u every fucking second i'm over there, just like i've missed u every second i've been here. i know nothing i say means anything to u rn but i would still like to come see u before we leave tonight... but i'll understand if i'm the last person u want around.

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: no u can’t turn this on me like i deserve to be talked to like that , like i asked for it . i didn’t ask for any of this . i just wanted my boyfriend to come home . but now my love for u suddenly doesn’t mean anything to u and u can’t even tell me to my face ?? please show me where that proves u love me , shawn . u fucking broke my heart . literally shattered it . u made it clear that i am part of the problem for u . i don’t get how to make u happy . i don’t get how to make u feel better . u can’t pretend like u actually sound like u want to be with me . there’s opening up and then there is saying shit u know u can’t take back . u can’t tell me my love means nothing and then ask me not to give up on u in the next breath . what are u trying to do , shawn ? are u trying to destroy our relationship ?? do u even want to be with me ?? i need to know . these fucking mixed signals u keep sending me are killing me . all i wanted to do is help .

SHAWN: u don't... why do u think i'm so desperate to shut these thoughts down? i shouldn't have said anything. i knew telling u would hurt u... but i was afraid not letting u in would push u away. i feel like i'm losing u and it terrifies me. i keep hurting u without meaning to. like i don't know how not to fuck shit up rn. lol maybe i deserve everything that's happening to me. /i'm/ the problem. i just keep fucking everything up. the thought of not being with u has never crossed my mind. ever. i don't know how to be here and love u the way u need me to rn. and being with u at ur place... as much as i want to... i don't know if it'll help me deal with this. u have to understand i'm doing this for u. do u know how selfish i wanna be and just come see u rn? do u know how much i fucking miss u?

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: how fucking dare u say that to me. do u think i'm stupid? one second ur telling me that i gave u a love 'u never knew existed' and now i'm being accused of being with u for fucking clout. are u kidding me? u ARE a coward. and an asshole. and a liar. my love doesn't mean shit to u? thanks for letting me know. okay, shawn, u go ahead and process it. take as long as u want bc u made it painfully clear that i'm wasting my time. u don't treat people u LOVE like this. u've been full of shit this entire time and i loved u enough to eat it up. god SAVE it. save it. if u wanted to be with me, u would. but instead? ur choosing to be miserable over /them/.

MADISON: i'm going to need u to come get ur things from my house before u go. don't worry. u won't have to see me. i won't be there.

SHAWN: u /begged/ me to let u in. fucking begged, madison. christ... this is what i was trying to protect u from 'cause i knew u'd get it in ur head that i don't love u. i love u. please don't write me off. i fucking hate myself for having these thoughts but that's all they are. thoughts. they're just so fucking loud. but i'm /trying/ to work through these issues. i'll fucking try harder. please don't give up on me. please.

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: it's not ok. it wouldn't ok in any other circumstances but this isn't u and the way ur acting is really scaring me. it doesn't feel like it, like ur still here. freaking out how? u think i'm going to leave u to be with one of ur friends? is that it? i just want to make u feel better but i don't know /how/, i fucking hate this so much. if u want to shut down ur feelings does that... include how u feel about me ?? shawn, i've had shitty relationships before too. i get what it's like to have baggage but i don't get why THIS is destroying u. it's awful that they weren't honest about their feelings, bc u didn't deserve to be pulled along like that but.... i know /i/ don't give a fuck about anyone else anymore bc i have u. ur enough for me. but seeing u this torn up about someone else is really making me like i'm not enough for u. if u trust me then please stop shutting me out. i'm literally begging u. ok. well... i guess ur where u want to be rn now then.

MADISON: stop.... please stop....

SHAWN: baby i don't know how to balance protecting u and loving u rn. i don't know... maybe? maybe u /think/ u love me but u really don't. maybe u just like the idea of being with shawn mendes. or... maybe ur just using me to get over someone else. i don't /know/. i just have these fucked up and irrational thoughts spinning in my head and i don't know how to make them stop without drinking myself unconscious. like u keep telling me u love me but it doesn't mean anything... and it fucking terrifies me to admit this to u because i know it'll hurt u sm... but this is me letting u in. and maybe i'm a coward but i can't look at u and say this shit. i can't bear to see the hurt i'm causing on ur face. madison, u have to understand i'm processing it all /now/. my relationship with her ended a long time ago but all this shit is coming out now and i would love nothing more than to just get over it... believe me. but i need to deal with it. for u. for us. u are enough for me. ur /everything/ to me. but, i mean, he was a big part of me and losing him has left a searing pain i don't think will ever heal. where u are is where i wanna be but i'm not good for u rn.

SHAWN: i think i'm gonna go back home. just stay in toronto for a while until i feel like i can breathe again. the familiar surroundings might help. la is just so fucking loud. and i know it seems like i'm running away but... i'm really not doing well and i'm afraid what i'll do if i stay in this hotel room any longer.

[mvndcs]

◟  ∙   ∗   𝖙𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌      ⤷   baby  💏 ◝

MADISON: no that was a fucking nasty thing to say. there's 100% a different way to word that that doesn't make me feel like shit. u walked out on ME, remember ??? i never thought u'd do that. but u did. i know u'd never cheat on me. i'm not trying to imply that but when i say i literally don't know who u are right now, i mean that. i feel so fucking guilty and i'll have to live with that forever, i get that. i'm not trying to not be accountable for that but i really don't think i deserve the reaction i got from u. no , shawn. i didn't fuck anyone else ur friends with. okay. i needed to hear that from u bc... well it's pretty much felt that way for me since u left. just like that. unbearable. i don't even know where u are.

MADISON: believe me, i'm fucking pissed at luke for saying shit that wasn't ANY of his business to bring up in the first place. but i'm not trying to pull anything out of u, i'm just trying to get u to talk to me bc i STILL don't understand and u just... won't budge. i only fucking ask bc i care. i love u. so much. i want u to be happy. and when fights with luke start fucking with our relationship, i think i have a right to know what's going on :// is that too much to ask ?? i don't want u to be alone right now... if u really don't want to be around me, please, can u at least stay with someone ??? i do need it. i do need to hear that from u, but what i need most is my boyfriend back. i'm not just talking physically. i don't want to hurt u anymore than i already have, that's not what i'm trying to do at all but it's been really really hard on me since u left. really hard. like i said i... never thought /u'd/ do that. shutting me out and running off to get drunk was jack's thing. i'm not saying ur like him. ur not. and i get why u needed space, i just never thought things would ever get so bad between us that i wouldn't be ur safe place anymore :///

SHAWN: i was taking my anger out on u and i'm sorry. i don't wanna hurt u or make u feel like shit and i don't want u to feel like i'm punishing u 'cause i'm not. madison, i'm still here. putting some distance between us isn't me walking out on u. i just know myself and i can't handle a face-to-face conversation rn. it's unfair to u, i /know/ that. but i'm freaking out, okay? this all sounds so fucking familiar and i just... i can't go through this again. i just wanna shut every last feeling down before i start to spiral. u know luke told me the entire time hailey was with me, she was really thinking about him? lolll. u know what else he told me? that /he/ also wanted her at the time. how does shit like that not fuck someone up?????? and now here he is telling me about this threesome with u and i can't help but get in my head. this isn't me accusing /u/ of anything. i know u love me... god, u've shown me a love i never knew existed. and i /trust/ u.... but this is all very triggering. my heart knows one thing and my head knows another. i just want it all to stop. yeah, i hate not being with u. i'm not far.

SHAWN: alright. what else do u wanna know? i'll be fine. between drinking and sleeping, i'm not doing a lot of being "awake" anyway. i don't know if i can be that for u... at least not rn. u deserve so much better than this. u deserve so much better than /me/.

[mvndcs]

━━ .˚✞ ˊ ❛ imessage.┊shawn.  ❜

LOUIS: i mean it's like fucking everyone i know man, it's just embarrassing at this point. being in love means fuck all when you're the only one feeling shit. i'm just over being embarrassed anymore finding all this shit out. dude, i don't know. probably and it doesn't matter anyways like, this shit sucks. i'm fucking not, i'm literally in london is / everyone / in god damn la :/

SHAWN: u have every right to put urself and ur feelings first. i know first-hand the damage putting someone else before u can do. don't let anyone treat u like that. not even harry styles lol. ugh what i would give to be in canada rn... i actually can't stand la but all my friends and my girlfriend are here, so i make the sacrifice.