my-bipolar-journal

[my-bipolar-journal]

12th November

Well I have still been meeting Tofik almost everyday. He stayed over yesterday night. It’s his birthday today. He is fucking other girls and even I fucked another guy but still we are also fucking. No strings attached though.

But still I got him a cake coz around 12 he and his friends came straight to my place to celebrate. I felt a little sad for him. All his other friends have this great cake cutting and all at 12 am but no one really likes him. I mean it’s understandable why. Aditya told me that his own father despises Tofik. All his life had is meaningless sex, dating girls way younger, living off of others and getting abused and disrespected.

Bechara. Anyways ion know why but I cried a little yesterday.

I think it’s for something to do with taking two ipills within 24 hours. Jai, the date went well but I feel he is a little too clingy and desperate. And he snores.

[my-bipolar-journal]

6th November 2024

ghar gyi thi, diwali bnane.acha tha, peaceful, sleepy, movies. it was fun and all. baat hui tofik se starting k do din aur fr last k 1 2 din. aak subha 1 am around phunchi , nysa mayank pick krne aye the, airport pe bagga, pradyum, 2 college ki ldkiya, manav. vedant, sabhi takar gye. fr mayank k ghr gaye. thoda smokeup kiya so gyi udr hi, subha ayi ghr, class skip ki, unpack kiya, clean kiya ache se sab kujh, kitchen bhi, room bhi, movies dekhi. fr achanak se maybe outta habit tofik ko bula liya. aur wo aya bhi. neeche sutta marte hue baat ki . general si, aur fr ghr ayi to khayal aya ki nafrat to nhi h usse but pyar bhi najane kaha kho gya, bar bar ja jake itna thak gyi thi shyd ki ab uske ane pe na khushi na gum zaya hota h. well but abhi ye sochke itno khushi hor hih ki kujh feel hi nhi hua usse milke. aur uske sath rhne ka ya uske plans me shamil hone ka koi irada bhi nhi h aur khwahish bhi nhi. achi yaadein h kujh to uske liya bura nhi magti ulta chahti hu ki acha khasa settle hojaye wo bhi kahi, but apne liye bhi acha chahti hu , isliye use nhi chahti.

aur use bta diya mene, text krke ki aisa feel hora h and ki uske liye acha chahti hu aur dhanyawad ki aaj tum mujhe mile kyunki wo dar jo tha mulaqat ka wo chala gya,ab malum h ki kabhi wo kisi raah pe anjane me bhi takar gya to kaisa lgega, aur uska jawab h kujh nhi lgega, meri zindagi chalti rhegi aur uski bhi, aur us raah pe takr k bhi kujh nhi hoga kyunki mod bhle hi ek ho but manzil dono ki ab kabhi frse ek nhi ho skti.

[my-bipolar-journal]

21st October 2024

Bhut time hogya. Tofik and me were on off on off this month. Until day before yesterday when while having a convo with Aryan and all when he sneaked out at night coz his friends sent a pic of us to his sister, the topic of how he told me he’d send my mom screenshots of my pregnancy and chats came up. And I remembered how I had said I’d never go back to him after this.

But Fr man signal gya tha coz he had gotten sad, but Abhi as I m boutta board my 3 am flight I remember how yesterday when I asked for my debit card back he realised he had lost it and in that moment I lost it. I did . I went crazy. Found his factory’s adress, his dad’s no. And then he came where I was in front of this hotel with Pratik waiting for him, crying , angry and I shouted and he shouted and I held his collar and he grabbed my neck and I had a panic attack. Then we came to Ghar k pas wala tapri. Haha baat hui ki baat Srf credit cards ki nhi h and I went nuts and then I asked him ki ghr chal and asa he came up I beat the shit outta him. Then he went home and came back and all. And I made him cook and everything. Beat him some more and as he left kissed him while I also said we were over and everything. Too confused this mind is. Going home. Getting a break and time to figure out.

. (coz there are memories of days that went great like 13th October, where we wnt to watch tumbad, shopped, mcd, then did skincare at home at night, evn though he didn’t stay very long that day every second he did was mine)

[my-bipolar-journal]

24 September 2024

Tofik came back but he's gone again. so a few days back I called him like on friday and it's tuesday today . he came I apologised we had a normal convo we hugged. saturday I had a date. i went with that guy called jai not important rn coz I sent the location to tofik. and when I got back home he came. and he was upset coz he was at bhargav's party and everyone was telling him to date gauri so he just came to me. and on Sunday I think he ended up getting drunk so I went there after my meeting to tqc to meet him. and then we came to my place and he cried. and I cried . he said he still sees hope. and the rest was history coz I love him and today is tuesday. and I wanted to talk to bhargav to see how tofik was doing with gauri. and tofik got pissed and now he says he doesn't see us doing the trial period anymore. and I cried and thought maybe its right but I ended up cutting myself at least trying to Idk how to die, I went and stood on the road in the rain but I just couldn't do it. i couldn't cross the road without seeing I'm usually so gud at crossing carelessly when I don't intend to. and I called tofik but he didn't come coz it's raining. coz I don't have anyone I can trust or need at this moment. no guy, no frnd, all I want is him at this moment, but he is nit here.

[my-bipolar-journal]

13 September,2024

PTA NHI KYA AYA MERE DIMAG ME AUR MENE TOFIK SE CONTACT Kiya coz some guys followed me home and said they knew me through Tofik. I dropped him a huge message but i regret it . I regret contacting him. I shouldn't have. I need to be over him. Aaditya was always right the guy never cared about him, so why would he care about sending two guys behind me. I am done. I am exhausted. All I need is some peace of mind and to forget this chapter ever even existed. I don't want to get unwell again, not when my exams are coming. I want to get serious about myself this time. I have classes, coaching, exams, my family. i gotta just suck it up. Today was just a bad day and why it happened doesn't matter

[my-bipolar-journal]

12 September 2024

So did I tell u about the time Shirish said stuff and I had a panic attack. Well after that aadarsh came home once but I told him he wasn’t welcome. Yesterday night he called me told me to come to Ganga. I said I had plans with shrivats, but I also told him I’ll never go back to Ganga and I think it’s time. I’m very happy rn without them and this frndship has gotten too complicated after everything that has happened and nothing is same between aadarsh Angad and me. I feel judged and unsafe there. And I feel like it’s time to disown them fr. No matter how lonely I get I won’t go back to them. I’m happy I’ve left Angad aadarsh and Tofik. I’m me. I’m new I’ll find some ppl fr .maybe I won’t. But nothing matters anymore. Good night

[my-bipolar-journal]

4 SEPTEMBER, 2024

I broke up with Tofik. he met aadishka three consecutive days even though asked him not to. then I called nagma and bitched about him. also texted abu. btw he filled aadishka's ears and she called me but ended up hearing gaaliyan from me and then texted to apologise.

Yesterday, Nysa and Mayank came over. she brought flowers and then we ordered in ice cream and cigarettes. i don't feel like staying alone. i keep thinking about him but I haven't cried about him. he went pretty crazy texted me through aryan and pratik. called aditya to say he'd tell my mom about my pregnancy.

but i cant stop thinking about him. i spent most of the day at Mayank's place and later watched movie with Nysa and rn also I went crazy coz I couldn't find Tofik's sweatshirt. i have deleted all pictures, texts, no.s, thrown away his toothbrush but I still can't stop thinking whether he's thinking about me or not.

[my-bipolar-journal]

31 August,2024

So day before yesterday was Bollywood day organised my our team of sympulse. It was gud. After party was in escada. Also very good. Tofik also came. He sat up playing subway surfers on my phone while aditya and I danced with hiya di and all. Yesterday was the first meeting of Proc which took place at my house. There was old monk, wine, cigar and games. It was fun but well there was a noise compliant made obviously.

And yesterday while I was at Angad’s place a fight broke out between Shirish and me and he Kinna called me a slur for having slept with the people I called brothers and getting pregnant and that gave me a panic attack and I cried and I called Tofik. But what could he do. Well I Kinna gave om shit after that for project today so he left the group with aadarsh and fidha so I texted a bunch of randos and joined a group of students from SSE. But I’m honestly very heartbroken by whatever happened yk. It was bad.

[my-bipolar-journal]

26 August 2024

Cut aashrith out of the picture. The cat’s called baby n we keeping her even though she poops and it smells. Tofik n I are going smooth. Yesterday we went to dilliwale where we had chaat and then we went farmaish lane n had like street food and everything. It was so nice n it was raining and we were like walking.

But what got me to write u today is the head Tofik gave me it was like so fucking good I mean. Fuck can’t even stop thinking about it coz it’s him.

He said we’d go to zero degrees tomorrow. Ion know if we will but i like that he wants to.

Tomorrow we have industrial visit so we’re going to morde foods for it. Not sleeping tonight slept during day also 28 is gonna be Bollywood day* core reveal. 🫶

[my-bipolar-journal]

15 August, 2-24

hi, aashrith came over on the 13th and stayed the night. we cuddled and fell asleep. tofik messed up a lil the very next day but then he came to see me. a cat followed me home. planned on keeping her so far

[my-bipolar-journal]

12 August 2024

hi, it's been a while hasn't it. well, I keep fighting with Tofik over small things. he just doesn't do enough. i can't get the love i want from him. i want more and he's just busy or doesn't care. well, this one day after I thought we were over. we got the pass for a party but it got cancelled. so, aditya, me , aashrith and a few of aaditya's friends went drinking. and aashrith kinna wanted something with me, we even kissed tbh. and we all were at my place, when tofik also came. i went in with him to have a little talk which we did not so i went to aaditya while aashrith was waiting for me to end things with Tofik so yk he could be with me atleast he said so. so, I left with Aaditya n his friends instead. Tofik got angry and ion know its all a blur. but then i talked to aashrith told him how much i love tofik and that this wouldn't be right. well, other than that im kinna broke this month. lol.

angad's friend was over so we had something not much of a party though. Other than that, imma be alone this week mostly everyone is headed home. Tofik chooses to go play games over being with me. he doesn't even cuddle much or anything. is he grossed out by me? does he not like me? ion know what's going on.

[my-bipolar-journal]

22 July, 2023

Ok so after blood tests, sonography, consultations lots of freaking out, one moment of suicidal thoughts I finally had the abortion yesterday.

But it did not come without drama. Tamana did not come. Tofik said he will keep coming and going so I called aadarsh. And then Tofik came saw him and went crazy as soon as he left. So I told him we’re over but he did not leave. Idk no matter wat happened Angad and aadarsh are still my people. Maybe. I am not even sure tbh. Life is complicated. Well I was very tired and then when Tofik came back he fell asleep. And then he left. The abortion was done.

I became HOD.

Tofik met with an accident on his way home.

[my-bipolar-journal]

13 July, 2024

So the things is I’m very very very very much pregnant. Not like I’m showing or anything but like I took the blood tests and I am pregnant.

And I talked to Angad about it coz I was anxious and we went on a drive and about finding. I think I’ve almost arranged it. Let’s see.

Freaking out brother. I am pregnant

[my-bipolar-journal]

11 July 2024

Every time I come to write a lot of things have already happened.

Tofik is back, hopefully better this time. I had sex with Tofik and had another ipill and well I haven’t gotten my periods yet so I took a pregnancy test which is positive ig.

I went home recently for the weekend, fufu’s retirement party. It was fun but there was this project on which I got pissed off coz Manika kept making me angry. She knows that aadarsh had sex with me coz he told her.

And well rn I’m having BT coz Angad pre cum in me and Tofik and I have also been raw a few times even though he didn’t cum during any of those. And I might be pregnant. So many things could go wrong. Parents. Finances. Ion know what to do. Everything feels so shit rn. And harry is also disappointed in me. Ion wanna get pregnant. Ion wanna go to the doctor but what if something goes wrong. Why can’t my life stop being a NEtflix show.

[my-bipolar-journal]

25th June 2024

Ok so yesterday after I woke up parth and aditya were here. And angad’s text came to take a pill. So stuff did happen but I have like memory gaps. I was way too drunk. I did not even remember having sex at all. So I took the after pill. It’s been fucking with my body.

And Adarsh came so it was a lil awkward but it was ok at college today missed most of my classes though. I also drunk called Pappu and was begging him to be here and then I even talked to Kesav these last two days.

I gathered some courage to go to Ganga today and Shirish was ignoring me until I convinced him to talk to me and promised him of never drinking again.

Aadi wasn’t drunk he should’ve stopped it. Tofik found out about it and was pissed. Met him today. He thought I was raped coz I was too drunk to give consent, but it was consensual coz it’s Angad and Adarsh after all. They’re my safe place. Apparently parth made fun of it in front of Tofik ig. I always trust the wrong people.

I want to stay in bed and avoid any human contact but I’ve got attendance to see to.

[my-bipolar-journal]

23 June 2024

Ok so I’ve been talking to some girls I’ve met through bumble or hinge. Chatting with them haven’t met anyone though.

I Kinna tried having a threesome today with both my best friends. I couldn’t get any of em hard. Ig em not attractive enough maybe. I think I’m like the ugly duckling. I thought if I’d get thin and hot maybe I’d be attractive enough, but I still am not. Ion know what I need to do. Maybe I’m just not fuckable.

[my-bipolar-journal]

13 June 2024

Been forever, my life has been going downhill ngl.

Well let’s go with people as I can hardly recall what happened when.

Back to normal with Angad Aadi Manika on Shirish Stuti n all coz Tofik is out of the picture

Tofik here has been there for a few months in the picture, well that piece of shit had borrowed my keys. He let some girls put their stuff at my flat. He let sara and her bf, parth and his gf sleep at my place. Like wtf and he lied that no one ever came over. Piece of shit. He was a liar, bulldhit person. I finally lost it and abused him intensively. Like ik I was harsh but I don’t feel sad for him.

I went to Mumbai with my mom and aunt. It was fun. Ngl they did get on my nerves at some point but family is family.

But the worst was my roommate Akanksha and her mother, they tortured me for real.

Well first when we initially bought all the stuff she started being rude to me when it came to finances so I responded in the same way. Then she wants to leave the place, so I didn’t object to it.

She hasn’t even paid me for the wifi yet and then she shouted at me coz the wifi wasn’t working and something is wrong with the RO. She was pressuring me to give her brokerage money. So I just called my dad. And I even blocked Akanksha.

My dad scolded her mom and her mom requested him to tell me not to tell the money thing to anyone. He strictly told her not to say a single word to me. She found a new way to torture me. Packed all the kitchen utensils. I just Zeptoed some.

Also my dad is Kinna getting in my nerve rn. Should we send nani and all I’m trying to look for new roommates. I hope kujh ho jaye. Today has been the worst day of my life even though went to dilliwale to have food with my friends and spent a little of time at Ganga hamlet. Things just ruined it.