my-cat-is-my-only-friend - Tumblr blog

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

why do people always only expect you to have one thing. one disorder one pet one gender one pronouns one name one favorite movie one crush one best friend. like why do I have an inventory limit

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

Dear Tumblr Void,

Hello again. You can guess why I'm back. It happened again, and once again I'm using tumblr as a live journal, because maybe just one person will read this and I'll feel validated.

I'm gonna start with this:

Why this is different than Sam.

~I'm getting into therapy right away

~I'm trying to lean on family and friends for support more than ever

~I'm not the victim this time. If I'm a victim, then so is Josiah. He went through just as much as I did, so if I'm a victim then so is he. I'm not innocent.

~I'm changing my life completely, even if temporarily. I'm moving in with Laura and Joe for an unknown amount of time. I don't know if I'll come back to Eau Claire in the fall for school, I don't know if I'll end up having to live in the apartment that was supposed to be ours. I don't know what the future holds and I'm trying to be ok with that.

~I'm being honest with the people in my life about what happened. I am not playing the role of the innocent victim. Just because I'm guilty doesn't make his actions right or ok, but the opposite is also true. Just because he's guilty doesn't make my actions ok.

~I realized this time there are very deep rooted issues. I have abandonment issues, not from past relationships but from my childhood. I have attachment issues from my childhood. Not from past relationships, and it's something I need to work on and heal from.

~ I'm not going to get into a rebound situation. History says the rebound does more damage than good, and I know that what I need is to figure out how to be a person again, on my own.

Here's what's hard this time:

~ I want to still talk to him. He cut me off completely, which is good for both of us. But I still crave him, like a bad street drug.

~His sister is still talking to me. She's very helpful, but I also know that she gets to see him and talk to him and it makes me jealous and sad because I know in my heart that I will never see him again, or hear his voice again.

~ I don't want to lose my opportunity in Eau Claire at school, but I also can't know for sure right now if coming back will be too much, I can't know if coming back will make me miss him again. Would I be coming back just in hopes of running into him again?

~ I want to know if he's back on tinder. That's what I did with Sam, when we broke up I downloaded tinder just to see if he was back on and active. I want to do that with Josiah, but I know that if I do, and he is active, it will shatter me and I will spiral even more.

~ I cant eat. I have such a loss of appetite that eating takes more mental energy than I have right now. It's been two days and I've already lost a pound and a half.

~ I can't sleep. He was in my bed every night. I cant lay down without thinking about how he would hold me. So I bought melatonin and NyQuil so that I pass out. If I'm unconscious, I can't miss him as much.

~ I have to learn how to navigate my own emotions while also recognizing that I'm not the only victim. I was trauma bonded, and I know that it's on me just as much as it's on him. I can't quite find the balance between not hating but also not glorifying him.

~ I constantly think about how he might have ended the relationship and gone no contact to protect me, and the not knowing hurts. Did he really do it out of love and care? Did he do it only because he was mad? Was it purely selfish? I might never know and I'm having a hard time accepting that.

~ The future I had planned is gone, and I'm mourning that just as much as I'm mourning the loss of him. I was attached to him AND the future I thought I had with him.

That's all for now tumblr, any more and I'll start crying again. Thanks for giving me false hope of validation once more <3

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

a slice note to keep my mind off suicide. The person who wants to marry me won't tell me I'm worth fighting for. the people i care the most about won't ay attention when i tell them i'm dying inside. i'm dying inside and no one cares. is that a sign? if the people you love the most don't think you're worth fighting for, it must be a sign that you aren't in fact worth anything. i'm so far off the edge that i've been walking on air for years. i'm keeping myself suspended, and i think it's about time that i stop trying. the rescue crew left months ago, no one cares anymore. i cant make the pain stop. how can you make the pain stop. 

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

there's nothing that compares to the pain of wanting to kill yourself but not being able to. it's the worst pain of all

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

Come one come all

You're just in time to witness my next breakdown

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

On this day, two years ago... Irony feels too light a word

I was wrong...

I don’t care anymore.

Whatever excuse you could have isn’t good enough.

You don’t care what kind of loop this sent me through, and it shook me at first.

But you can screw off.

I am worth more than that.

I am worth more than being ghosted after six months.

I am worth more than constant dread.

I am worth more than staying up because I was scared you could be dead.

Anyone who truly loves me wouldn’t do that.

I was vulnerable with you.

I was open with you.

You told me I could trust you,

And I did.

Then you put my heart through a meat grinder and told me to go to hell.

I deserve better than you

And your fake love.

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

LMAO this is true ♡

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

Your daily dose of cat memes

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

you know that expression, "dance like no one is watching you?"

try writing like no one is going to read it

it's easier to let yourself go and just enjoy the process of creation when you aren't also playing 6 dimensional chess with your insecurities and anxieties

write because you have fun writing and if you never post it anywhere that's totally fine because you enjoyed your time with the process

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

Devin Elle Kurtz on Instagram

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

The Jetsons takes place in 2062, and George Jetson is 40 years old, which means that somewhere right now George Jetson is being conceived.

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

College Sucks

One week till finals. One week until I am officially 1/4 done with my bachelors. One week until I can destress.

One week until the only thing to occupy my time is work. One week until school is no longer an excuse for my depression. One week until I'm alone again.

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

All Time Low, Not Atlanta

losing my ability to write

is equivalent to an artist losing their hands.

my words are my emotional embodiment.

when they don't flow,

it feels like I have been crippled.

I wish I could paint

or draw

or anything else.

something that would let me express myself

without words.

when the words come

it is euphoria

being able to express such complex feelings

is liberating.

why can't I do this all the time?

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

I'm Not Ok

The darkness is consuming me.

I try to kill it,

Chase it out with candlelight.

When I least suspect,

It sneaks back in

And suffocates me.

It laughs while the life slowly drains from my face

And gets off to my muted cries.

Before I die,

Before death gives me that sweet release,

It loosens it's grip,

And watches me come back to life.

He comes back to see me every night.