my-endless-untold-thoughts

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Its just 20 days

At what point did you stop wanting to make me feel easy about you leaving? When did you become so insensitive, so hard, so uncaring? There was a time when you adored me when you'd be sad to go away from me when you'd actually miss me when you leave. Its just 20 days. That was fine. I was fine. Then you said its just 20 days without talking to you. Without knowing who you're with or what you did that day. 20 days of me missing you and coping and dealing and you not even caring. 20 days where you won't think of me. 20 nights alone. I was never bothered to live this life. I knew this life I knew the cost. I just wish the army didn't make you lose your passion for me. Sure you love me, sure you'll go a week doing nothing but sexually pleasing me in every way. But you don't miss me when you're gone. You don't have any desire to kiss me goodnight. You don't want to make sure I'm happy at night. My emotions are stupid and too much because you seem to have lost half of yours. You're tired I get it, its late. All I wanted was to cuddle and for you to say you love me and you'll be back soon and you'll think of me every day. If you can't say goodnight at least you can try to think of me. Will I cross your mind? Will I matter while your away. What if in two days my period doesn't come? What if in four days it doesn't come? A week? The whole 20 days? How do I sit in silence alone and afraid of blood to come? How do I cope if I don't bleed for ten days and I see two lines and then I do? Why don't these things ever cross your mind? When did you stop caring? When did you stop feeling? Will the weekend away help? Will you start to see what's changed? Will you care? Its just your stupid army wife bitching and complaining, don't think about it. That's the idea isn't it? But what can I do but lie awake and hope? Hope that your heart still loves me enough. That you'll be glad to see me again. That ill cross your mind every once in a while. All I can do is hope that you are still here with me.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

I just want to be in our new house in Italy snuggled up with a good book and all my fur babies. But first I'll happily take snuggling up with my momma. Been feeling so down or meh ir stressed lately and just looking forward to her energy to lift me up again.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

There is this overwhelming sadness that's comes over me so often now and k wish I could make it go away. Seeing pregnant people all around, people my age with toddlers, three of my best friends all pregnant at once. Seeing my friends ultrasounds at 7 weeks and knowing that I was almost there twice but lost it all. Knowing that that amazing little tiny oval is becoming a person and that I had and lost that twice and never even got to see mine. Knowing that he says he wants kids one day but not knowing if that day will ever really come or if he'll just give in to what I want never really wanting it himself. Which is why i cant ask for it, its cruel to ask him to give me something he doesnt want in his life at least not yet. But every now and then lately I just want to die from how much my heart hurts remembering that I lose two. And maybe a little worse, not being able to explain or share that sadness with the only person who could ever understand because in his mind its like I never was pregnant. To I'm that little cell that had a heartbeat and eyes and the tiniest of limbs forming was nothing to him. And I'm sure one day we'll probably be there, probably have them. But for now all I can do is try to hide my sadness and keep it in. Because how can I talk to him? He cant fix the problem so all if does is make him sad. What's the point in trying to show him what's in my heart if hes not in a place to understand? There is none. So I try to keep it off my face and usually I can but lately I keep slipping. Lately it's been all consuming. But all I'm doing is making him feel bad. So I need to get it together and stop the tears and keep my poker face and maybe I'll forget about it again for a little while. Better to just focus on watching and teaching kids than having them since that wont happen for a long while. I'm not worth much of anything without a job anyway. Just another lazy stupid wife, no one who matters.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

I hate that im so down on myself lately. My face is breaking out in all this acne out of nowhere that wont go away I don't feel pretty with or without makeup. I'm trying to love and embrace and do my natural curly hair except its this half curly half wavy bullshit and yeah 99% my fault for dying it and shit. I hate the cut and how it's growing back but don't wanna cut it again and risk fucking it up by anyone. I'm so fat again and have so little motivation to do something about it. I have that stupid workout plan I paid for that starts on the 3rd but idk if it'll help. We have all these things we need and want to pay for but idk how we'll do it all before we move. I'm tired of facebook and my phone everything is so mundane and boring. All my friends moved apart and I'm the only one who ever talks in the group so I don't even bother now. Army I guess. And because I feel like such shit about myself the fact that my husband doesn't ever compliment anything about me anymore is actually bothering me. I'm just supposed to know indirectly I know, why should he have to go that extra mile when we're married, I should just know hes attracted to me. I don't cook well enough or clean well or often enough. I don't play with the dog enough or walk her enough. I'm not working on my school enough even though I've been trying to read daily. Im tired and in a bad mood so easily for what? All the time. I dont work and I wont for a while. I get jealous every time hubs talks to someone we've fucked and I wish he didn't want to fuck other people anymore. I wish I was enough. Good enough in bed. I keep trying to be okay with it. The first time I was half forced and it was fine I guess. Fun at the time but I don't really want to even think about it anymore. The second time was more fun, more willing, with who I wanted to try things with but I really okay with never doing it again too. And the third was awful and unexpected or anticipated or planned and I def could live without like even ever seeing her again. He doesn't want a typical sex life though. Its not enough for him. Guess I'll just keep trying to make myself read, for school or for pleasure. Best to just lose myself in another world when I feel so down. Nothing in reality will change but at least most books i read end with a decent ending. I'll just live vicariously through them. Wake up cook sleep wake up shower clean cook eat read cook clean eat TV sleep repeat till maybe I don't feel so, however I'm feeling. Empty and a log alone even around people I guess. Maybe he was right, I do get lonely around here. People dont make it better though. Honestly often it's worse. Especially when it's not your friends. But I don't have many left so I guess thsts how its gotta be. Boring, bland, unnattrictive, lazy. That's how I feel. Maybe I'll try yoga again. And taking my bc exactly on time might help. Just focus on school and getting through that and just ignore all the bullshit else and hope it magically gets better. I've really become such an introvert.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

I just want to not be so frustrated

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

I'm supposed to be the one you don't push away. Im supposed to be the one you yearn for the one you want to share your feelings with, or the one who makes you feel okay again. I feel unwanted i feel like you just don't want me to be angry and that's why you made me come back to bed. Not once did you say you wanted me to come back Becuase you wanted me here. You haven't wanted me for a few days really. You haven't wanted sex. I tried to be patient and suck your dick as long as you wanted and do what you wanted and im sorry it wasn't good enough. Im sorry i can't dance, that I'm fat and hardly ever sexy. That i suck in bed and can't make you cum if I try for hours. Im sorry I'm making you sick of me. Maybe if I just stay away fir a bit you'll want me again, in any way. The only reason im going ti that stupid club is for you. To learn. To be better. To be able to be sexy for you, to be able to move my body in ways that you would enjoy. I have no real want to go but Jen really wants me to and thinks it could help. I wanted you to to because i would feel more comfortable and thought maybe just once I could feel genuinely sexy for you. Feel like you thought i was sexy. But nothing makes me feel sexy for you anymore. You always say you just want me naked but even that isn't sexy. I'm just a mess and you're pushing away and that just really doesn't help. We'll have sex again when you want it i guess. And ill forget about feeling so fat and not that pretty in a few hours, just for a little while. But itll come back. I almost really wanted a two piece bathing suit now i really feel like looking for a one piece again. Though really i still look as far as i am in them all. Guess it doesn't matter as long as my tits are covered. Whatever my brains a mile a minute and hard as I try I can never understand yours, let alone your feeljngs. I mean normally yes, but never when you're in any level of a negative mood and its not like you ever tell me either. Ill just go to sleep and forget about tonight. Tomorrows a new days I guess.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

I forget, it's army, soldier, family. His work, his career will always going to be the thing that rules his life. I'm proud of him for that. It just means that his free time is just that. His. Not mine. If he chooses to sleep, that's up to him. If he chooses to watch tv with me, his choice, if he chooses to be around me but sit on his phone, oh well. If he wants to go out with me, okay. Whatever he wants in his free time takes priority because it's all dependant on his work and everything else always comes second. I have to stop expecting anything more. This is the army, I knew how it was before. The phrase, you're not married to a soldier you're married to the army is more true than anyone who isn't an army wife can ever understand. My feelings can't be shown, they can't burden him. I can't get upset about him working late or him being home but not really home. I have to just be greatful for the time we have and that he chooses to spend with me. I just need to be more humble and respectful and greatful and I'm sure I'll stop caring so much about these little things. Then they won't add up and make me want to burst.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

I tried ignoring him back I tried making him angry I tried walking away to forget about it I tried talking to him. I don't work im not busy so his feelings win over mine. If he's tired he sleeps. If he doesn't feel like doing anything even if he's home early, he's not going to do it. I was stupid to try to get him to do something i knew he wouldn't do, I just thought maybe this time he might be willing so we could hang out and I could do my thing and he could do his. He's never going to want to go with me because he hates the whole building and apparently resents leaving the house unless it's on his terms. I just didn't want to leave him when we had more time together today. Except we didn't really, because he slept all day, but he was tired so that's not something im allowed to be bothered about. Im not supposed to express any cares about him working late or not wanting to do things i want. If I'm upset about something, I should hide it and get over it on my own without showing any hints about my feelings. I'm too emotional to deal with and he doesn't need that kind of stress. Guess I just need to be a better wife for him and this will all feel better. I don't know why i even let myself get upset. Its just pointless to even have feelings about it. Sometimes i wish i could keep myself from then the way he does.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Really been trying but results are slow. Can't mess up so bad on weekends anymore either. I just wanna be fit enough to be healthy, and just a bit to be perfect in your eyes.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Need to really work on my legs, gotta stop sucking so bad at sex.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

In conclusion, sex noises are hilarious.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Sometimes I don't know what to text about but when we're not texting all i wanna do is talk to you. Ugh i need this week to pass. Wish you didn't have to leave so much. I just miss you and miss talking to you at dinner or in bed. You're my best friend and whatever if im a baby I'm a baby but I hate when you're gone and I can barely talk to you throughout the day. Plus your signal sucks and I get all your texts out of order all the time.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

I feel stupid feeling lonely and bored. You've only been gone two days but life without you is so different. I can find a million things to do but I don't want to go to bed alone or wake up alone or eat alone. I always miss you when you're gone Becuase you're my best friend in the whole wide world. I want to know you'll be home at some point in the night or in the morning. Anything more than a day makes me sad. And it's silly I know, I'm a grown up im capable of living alone and taking care of myself. It doesn't mean that I want to live my life alone. Friends and pets help sure but no one is you. As much As you annoy me and irk me and make me angry at times, I don't want anything else. I want every bad feeling and every bad day because for each of those we have 100 good days and good feelings. Anyway I'm sick and can't sleep much and glad the time I'm waiting around for your text or call but I guess ill try to sleep and if you text or call I'll hear it.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Its always just the tiniest bit sad when you leave even if only for a week or two. I never want to touch anything, like i don't want to disrupt the way things are when you're home. I never smell you unless you leave for a while. I smelled you when i walked in our room. I sound ridiculous I know.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Def think im over pictures being taken and talks of threesomes or other people. Tired of always trying to give you want you want and never getting the same in return unless I beg or complain.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Why can't guys just sometimes act like sex is special or like we have a conbection or like we're making love. Whys everything just gotta be physical all the time? Idk if I want pictures taken anymore. And clearly asking to be kissed during is never going to be a thing I get unless I complain. I wish I had enough willpower to hold out when I'm annoyed or upset but I always end up being dragged back in, of course doing things with all physical and hardly emotion. Guess I can't ask him to feel a way of he doesn't. Sex just doesn't mean to him what it means to me and I'll have to accept that love and connection will only come from other places than our bed. Seems like everything I do or feel in regard to sex is just wrong. I'm going to bed.

[my-endless-untold-thoughts]

Everytime i try to start something, it's a no. There's always something. You don't feel like it, or later(when you can start and control it), or we already did once today or we did yesterday. I'm never allowed to want it. Today you hurt yourself somehow and that's why you didn't want to again but also I'm just not allowed to want it again. Because you control sex because I suck at it and all im good for us laying there how you want because i can barely ride and when I try it's too slow or not good and you take over so i stop trying. And then there's the fact that half the time I'm not the thing that starts you being turned on. Today we were in the shower and that started it but you had to take pictures and send them to make it better you couldn't just enjoy your wife on our anniversary. Yes I like the pics and shit but once in a while i want sex to just be about us. Not including everyone else. But normally you decide you're horny and you go on Tumblr to get off and then if you feel like it you'll fuck me after. You hardly ever just come to me to be turned on, makes me feel like I don't turn you on, like you like sex with me But you need to get a boner first and that doesn't of me by looking at me or touching me it comes by you going through Tumblr until you're ready for me. I know I've gottwn fat and I know I'm slow and shit and losing the weight I complain about and i know you don't get that I'm trying but I am. Maybe you just want to see hotter bitches first so you can have that image in your head. I wish you would see me and think all if me is beautiful and sexy head to toe, instead of looking at hot women then just appreciating that i have an ass and a pussy. Girls are so emotional and shit and half the time you just want to look at yourself fucking me instead of at me. Maybe im weird and it's weird to look at the other person when you have sex maybe I need to lose more weight and watch more porn and get better at it all. Idk I just feel unwanted or like not enough. I'm sure you think nothimg of it and to you it's just you watching porn or whatever but it comes off as so much more.