my-saddened-space

[my-saddened-space]

I wish I had someone who cares like you.

It hurts, because you're so far away. That I can't hold you and you can't hold me.

You make me feel alive, no... You make me feel like my life has purpose. You breathe new air into me and make me feel wanted, loved, cared for... You listen and consider my feelings and motivate me, like no one else ever did.

You have some sort of magic, that even when I'm at my lowest point, like I feel like I'm going to fall apart and finally do it... A simple hello and "I love you" makes me remember why I'm still living in the first place.

God, were near opposites, but let me tell you... We have so much in common than you can think. We relate.

... Why do you have to be so far away?

[my-saddened-space]

I hate everything about my family and life.

Okay, let me explain. Let's start with my current opinion about my dumbass mother and her boyfriend. He buys her everything. He helps her with bills, buys her a dumbass rabbit and an unnecessarily large television that we don't even fucking need. Let's start with the rabbit. One day, while leaving to who knows where they say "yeah, we're going to bring back food."something that's supposed to take less than an hour turned into like 4. Now when they say they'll go and get food, I don't eat at all at home, simply because I don't want to eat much too much. As bad as I am at it, I want to lose weight. Getting off track, I'm over here starving because I didn't eat much then like a bowl of cereal the day before. So I'm wondering, "where the hell are they at?" And right before i call I see them pull up in the driveway. I'm like "oh yeah, finally some food" but no. They.... For forgot, they forgot about me and instead went and bought a damn rabbit. Now, here's the reasons I'm upset.

I've always wanted a dog. Dogs are companions, they want to play, run, snuggle and basically be your best friend. So when they just randomly come home with a box I'm just like... "Oh my God, maybe I can forgive them for completely forgetting about me." But I was still kinda upset they didn't fucking take me to go and help them pick it out.. Like, wth?

So when they come in I'm just trying to ask surprised like I didn't see them through the window. They put it down, open it and it's a rabbit. Like-- I'm immediately disappointed. I try to smile still... As I'm trying to hold in tears because it's so disappointing. They couldn't have atleast bought a cat..?! Like all a rabbit does is literally eat and poop. That. Is. All. It's cute but it won't even let me pet it. We let it run around in the living room but the damn thing just hides behind the couch. Their excuse for not buying a dog is because it was "too expensive" like shut the hell up, you guys bought a 1500$ tv thats 60 inches, that's as much as a dog would cost. I don't hate the rabbit as it's cute..? But I can't do shit but look at it. Like my mom randomly fawns over it like "oh man look how cute it's being, it did this and this" but in reality the thing just came from under the couch and is sitting by the damn window or like eating like, "woooooow" sooo... Impressive....? The hell do you expect from me? I'm already not fond of it, don't fucking remind me. I'd actually would rather they didn't get it. I'm not being ungrateful like "oh I got a rabbit and not a dog?! I don't want it at all" but they're just wasting money on something that doesn't do anything and you can't interact with. Like-- if you love rabbits, that's great, buy a rabbit if that's what you really want, but I'm not one who's amazingly fond of small animals that don't do anything but eat and poop and when you try and get close to them they just run as fast as they can away from you and hide.

Now let's talk about this damn tv. Out of everything they could've replaced... They replaced the one thing we didn't need. Like they couldn't bother to get me a new laptop for my art, or the drawing tablet I've been wanting for years, A DAMN BEDFRAME as I've been sleeping on a mattress on the floor like a fucking prisoner since March, like, a bigger dresser, a dining table? Like do they every consider their fucking child when they're off like "yeah yeah, let's buy a rabbit or a giant tv that'll look out of place" the TV doesn't even look right. It makes me anxious with it being on a STAND and not on the wall. That wobbly, thin POS is going to fall in the near future and I know it and guess who's going to be crying because they didn't listen to me when I said please mount it in the wall, instead I get "just be grateful that we at least have the TV" like shut the fuck up. You can't buy a dog but you can buy an unnecessarily large tv that hardly fits in the living room. I don't know if their tryin to go for a "homy" vibe but a larger tv only makes the little things we have in there look like shit. If you really wanted to look like a home you can fucking get a better fucking couch and throw out that stupid circular ass thing you call a coffee table. I swear to God if they buy another thing on impulse I'm going to lose my mind and actually kill myself. Im happy that she gets these things she wants but these things seem so unnecessary! Are they even concerned about what I'm going to do for when I want to get into college? I can't actually work because juggling work and school isn't something I can do as I'd have the biggest mental breakdown as I can hardly handle school as is. Im happy for her and that she gets what she really wants, but our home isn't even a home as you're just buying the most expensive and unnecessary things first. I'm so tired of this.

They don't consider me or my feelings in anything they do. Like yesterday for veterans day my mom only made dinner for her boyfriend. I walk in to ask what she's making she she's like "oh a special dinner for him.... You I'll... I may make chicken tenders.. Or something..." And she turned out making nothing. God, when I turn 18 I'm going to find a man with money and move away as far as I can. I can't take this.

[my-saddened-space]

I feel empty and broken inside.

[my-saddened-space]

So close to it ending

So close to leaving my mom

So close to leaving my friends

So close to starting a new life

But no... I'm not that lucky...

[my-saddened-space]

One of these days I'm going to do it

I try so hard to help others and make them happy. But I can't do the same for myself. I want to feel happy too. If there was a god, why has he forsaken me. I'm such a good person and I try my dammest to be, but goddammit why me. Why me? I ask for the smallest thing, the smallest thing in the universe, but I only get shit upon shit thrown in my face. I just wish it would all end..... I just wish... That one day when I cross that rode when walking home... That a car that was going just a littl too fast would look at me and keep going ... I... I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live in this hell hole of a life. Eternal darkness has to be a lot better than what I'm going through. Goddammit... Why me I don't want to live and I haven't for a while. A long... Long time.

[my-saddened-space]

I...I want to run away.

Leave my home, leave my city, leave my friends and family.... leave my state, my country, my continent, this entire world. I want to leave.... when I think things are going fine, they're not. They... Just aren't. I'm upset, deeply, deeply... I don't have a say in anything....I can't control anything...

[my-saddened-space]

I'm upset, journal

I love animals, I really do but we got a rabbit, and I'm not happy.

Since I was 7, I've wanted a dog. A companion that would get excited when I come home, where I can throw a ball and it'd run after it and something that has personality and is willing to just sort of be there. But we got a bunny.

I love rabbits, I really do but I never wanted one before I got a dog. They're just so boring, and they're not something I want to take care of. It's small, we have to watch it, Its just, not something I wanted... okay? What makes it worse was that it was a suprise and I wasn't there to feel pick it out. It's cute and all but it's not what i wanted.

They didn't even warn me. Didn't tell me anything and I'm upset. Im deeply upset. I feel selfish for being upset, but I am and I can't help it. No wonder it took them 4 hours to "go to the store and come back" they were out buying animals.

The bunny is nice but for Christ's sake.... why? Can I have a decision on these thing's?

Ugh...... please.

[my-saddened-space]

My life story, my mother; part two. Hiding my feelings and her destructive personality. (No. 2.5)

Every since I was a young age, I was told not to tell how I felt while also learning that my feelings could have negative consequences... I remember when I was younger, I wanted to tell my therapist about my mothers drinking problems and anger and personality issues while wanting to tell him how I've been feeling so maybe I could get some help. But, that day I told her about wanting to tell him this she told me I shouldn’t. Its because she knew she was doing wrong... But continuing, she told me I shouldn’t tell because she strictly told me I would be taken away or would only cause problems. That put a lot of fear into me, and I’ll tell you why.

My cousin. 

Seriously my twin, being born 6 days after me. MeeMee ill call her. She was my sister, we grew up together and played together, we never argued, we always got along. I miss her so much, but with how I grew up apart from her, we are no longer alike. She got taken away one day, because her mother were bringing strange men to the house who in which touched her sexually. She told her school, and shortly after was taken away from her mother. It was the right thing t do, but I know she wasn’t happy after that. She was taken to an orphanage, and never got to see her mom again. She wasn’t able to grow up with the love of a family anymore. No love, no gifts, no hugs, no mom... No one there for you, no one to care for you. And this was before the time i wanted to tell my therapist about my moms problems, and I was still traumatized that i’d never see her again. “You can’t tell him, do you want to be taken away like your cousin Meemee?” A thought that was burned into my head and kept me from saying anything to anyone. I always pretended everything was fine with me, even if it wasn’t.

Going on, after this, I realized that telling your problems cause problems and distress for others. At a young age I realized I was a burden, and I didn’t want to make things worse. When ever I did tell my feelings to someone, I always felt horrible after. Either it was them telling me that what i’m feeling wasn’t valid, that they showed very little to no care at all or that i’m too young to feel this or that way. I was scared, I am scared to tell others how I feel. If it isn’t them showing disinterest in me, they may want to actually help. Sounds like a good thing, right? Well for me it felt horrible. I was/am so afraid that them helping is going to cause something horrible to happen. That i’m causing trouble for them. That I should have just kept my damn mouth shut, that Its probably nothing big at all and i’m just doing it for attention, that they thing i’m just doing it for attention. I know i’m not. But that’s... That’s how I felt. I could have fallen from a tree and broken my arm, but would say i’m okay, because i didn’t want to feel like I was saying i’m hurting for attention, i don’t want to burden others with my small problems. I feel selfish when I tell my feelings. I want help... I really do, but i don’t want to trouble others, you see? 

Its so hard to express my feelings to others because of this, because ive had this mind set before I even knew I had this mindset. Ive been like this since I knew how to talk. Before my cousin got taken away. That’s just really what caused me to confirm it. I’ve always known I was a burden and never wanted to be trouble for others... But I am, and always have been.

(2)

Moving on... My mother has always sort of impacted me negatively but not on purpose. From me not being able to talk to her as she would always criticize my feelings and make me feel invalid or like i was faking my feelings for attention, or just completely blew them off and ignored them; to lying and stealing from me, and not wanting to help us by helping herself.

 People tell me I should have better communication with her since i’m around her the most but I can’t when she makes me seem like i’m just trying to get attention or makes me think i’ll ruin our lives if I tell others how I feel.

[my-saddened-space]

I may kill myself soon. I'm so tired of this world.

Each and every day passing, I wish this would all end. This is all just torture, it's not getting better. I want to just.. walk in front of a passing car... drown in the lake.... hang from the ceiling... peacefully drift away in my sleep... each and every day, I'm considering it more and more. I don't want to do this.... please, something just take me away from here....

I'll.. continue my life story soon.

[my-saddened-space]

My life story, my mother;part one. Her drinking problem. (No. 2)

Since i was a baby, she did her best with me to make sure there was a roof over our head. I was never rich, and we never will be not poor. From living in a shed, to a homeless shelter, to families houses to our own then apartments we cant be more than happy in.  We never lived on the streets and she did her best to keep me a happy child, like nothing was wrong, like we weren’t poor. And i stayed my happy self when i got older. Completely blind to what was going on around me. That surely kept my mental state not as bad as it could have been. Shes a great woman, i’m thankful for all shes done to get us where we’re at today. Shes nice, sweet and a good person... when shes sober. But...Soon, i fear I wont be able to stand her anymore. She’s addicted to drinking and wont give me a chance to talk to her while also being quite destructive to my mentality.

Lets start with her drinking. Apparently shes been doing it since before i was born she tells me while in her upset drunken state sometimes. Remember, she had me when she was 18, shes been doing this while in high school or even sooner. Besides that, up until one day when i think i was around...8-10 maybe? is when i noticed she had a problem. Remember how I told you My mind kept me blind to a lot of bad things? this was one of them, and It never came to me until this day. Back when it was just me and my mom living in a house My cousin stayed over. Nothing new, she came over before... and we usually did our usual things. It wasn’t till the evening where my mom did her daily routine of getting drunk until My cousin pointed out to me that my mom was acting more... bad than usual. She was yelling, throwing things... And my cousin and I hid in my closet until her dad could come pick us up. My cousin, thank god for her. Shes was like an older sister i’ll never have. we grew up together.. but slowly stopped seeing one another after she had to deal with her dad’s wife’s kids... which are now her step siblings. Going back to others leaving after they get something better and new...But back on track...After that... I noticed her lashes more. In the house, I don’t really remember them really getting out of hand until my mom moved us into apartments.

That was when she... started getting bad. She was yelling, screaming at night at things, blaring music....acting like a teenager and a child. I didn’t understand why... I started to avoid her, because it only meant trouble  if I went around her like this.Not that she ever physically hurt me when like this, but mentally its taken a toll on me. My grandmother Joyce also told me not to bother her when shes drunk so I never did. One night of getting drunk out of her mind turned to two, then 4, then every evening until she started when right after I got out of school. It made it hard for me to talk to her about anything. I needed to avoid her, and how are you able to have a serious conversation with a drunk person? This is my first reason why I don’t and am afraid to tell/talk about my feelings. My mind tried to suppress these these feelings like they did with my childhood, but it wasn’t something I could do. I was forced to watch the woman I looked up to and could come to anything for, become unrecognizable and someone I just couldn’t stand. Someone I couldn’t be around, someone who I... started to not recognize as my mother. This distance grew, and grew by the days passing. 

To this day I still call her “Mom” But... Do i really see her fully as such...? Yeah, when sober, she cooks, cleans, watches movies... and.... acts herself. I love this mother. I love her when shes sober. I wish for more than anything that she wasn’t so dependent on beer and alcohol. We would have such a good relationship. Though... due to the mindset of needing to avoid her, knowing that later on she’s just going to get drunk again its hard to actually talk and be around her. She even sometimes stole the little money i had to buy A beer, which made me start hiding it. As I grew older, i got used to it. I got used to the pain of holding in my feelings and suffering both me and my mom went though. Ive tried to tell her that her Drinking has affected us both horribly and will worse in the future if she kept going like she did, but she never listened. She never considered my feelings, and never will. I hate it when people encourage her, giving her money for such, like she doesn’t already have a problem....I wish she didnt drink.

[my-saddened-space]

My life story, my father figures and being unwanted and a burden. (No.1)

Im doing this, as I need to tell someone, something. I cant hold this in. Im not posting this here to get attention.... I would actually enjoy if this was ignored. ive held this in for so long. every since i was young, i’ve been nothing but a burden. to my mom, to my family, to myself. born a failure, is a failure and will forever will be. I grew up with a ‘father’ that I never knew was abusive to my mother. I cant remember if it was before or after me and my mother went back and forth in and out of the homeless shelter but that was shitty.  we went back and forth trying to find a place to live but young me didn’t fully understand. I always knew from since I was young to be a good child, i never wanted to cause any distress to others  and it was my fear to get in trouble. My mother had me while in high school at age 18. I ruined her chances of getting a proper education and becoming a nurse, having a husband... To this day, I wish I wasn’t born. For the better of everyone. A child can fuck up everyones life, and thats what this one did. I didn’t ask to be born..

Charles, the man I called father when I was younger, I don’t fully know if he really loved me. It was hard, when he was there for so long, then slowly started leaving until I never saw him again besides subtle likes on my facebook page. Getting a bit off track, I always looked up to him until he slowly stopped coming to see me, and each time grew longer than the last, and each time I slowly grew less and less excited to see him. When I started maturing as well, he started touching me sexually but never got to the point where it was actual skin to skin contact, just grabbing my chest and private through my clothes while making sexual remarks. Of course I made him stop, younger me thought it was just playful things, like it was nothing. I never told my mom, or anyone he touched me. I was afraid he would get introuble or hurt us. Until I got old enough to understand it was wrong, which caused a lot of awkwardness and made me not want to be around him. He tried to be there for a while, occasionally coming to buy me a video game, or say hi and drop off money to show he “cared”, but then gave up. I’m actually, happy he did. 

As I grew older, people kept telling me Charles wasn’t my father. At the time I thought they were being stupid, lying to me and all until Earnis came randomly after my mother happened to meet him at a bus stop one day. I was 12... He had a family, two kids and a wife. He was happy. I felt so out of place. It was the first time I felt... so damn unwanted. I met my half younger siblings, a 6 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. I felt like I wanted to be apart of their family, but after one night of staying the night I knew, i fucking knew they didn’t want me around, they didn’t seem that happy to see me, especially his wife. I actually.. I actually wanted to stay, being around him, i wanted a father, i got quickly attached, then just as fast, unattached. He didn’t plan on staying around to see me, he had made other plans with his wife and kids and wanted me to leave after a day. I knew after that, that I should.. should just leave them to their lives. He gave me... 100$ and left. He gave me his number, but I never called him, and he never called me. After that, I came to the conclusion...That i didn’t need a damn father. All they did was stay for a little, then give me something and leave. Never to be seen again.

 It made it so hard... So damn hard for me trust guys, thats why I never got a boyfriend, I never wanted one, I never... wanted to keep one, unless I could bring myself to believe that they actually.. actually planned on staying. That they actually planned on staying by my side forever. People say they do.... but I... i don’t ever fully believe them. I just wait for the day they’re tired of me... leave and want something better... I try my best to be what they want but... I just cant.... im never enough and they find... something better, and live so much better lives without me... Am I... that toxic? Am i really that much of a burden? im sorry... Im so damn sorry... I try my damn best... It would be... so much better for everyone if I wasn’t around... Whats wrong with me? Ill.. ill change what ever it is.... If it means... my existence isn’t a burden on others... Me.. me just existing... Is whats wrong... I don’t... I don’t want to exist anymore....Ending my life.. would cause grief... but surely... surely everyones lives would be so much better... I should do... whats right... and just go away... go away forever... Its what I want... and surely everyone else does too.