myanondiary

[myanondiary]

4/8/25, 2:16 PM - Messages and calls are end-to-end encrypted. Only people in this chat can read, listen to, or share them. Learn more.

4/8/25, 2:16 PM - : Heya Happy Aries Birthday to you! Hope you fulljoy your day

4/8/25, 2:21 PM - Michema Duggins: Thank you!

4/11/25, 2:54 PM - Michema Duggins: Hey would you need the drone this weekend still?

4/11/25, 5:42 PM - : I'm not finished...if I gave a definite date that was my bad

4/11/25, 5:45 PM - Michema Duggins: Yeah you said around this weekend but that’s no problem

4/17/25, 6:15 AM - Michema Duggins: Hi Sasha,

I’ve been meaning to reach out, but I wanted to ensure I expressed myself thoughtfully. I value our friendship and wouldn’t to say anything to offend you.

I wanted to revisit the mural situation. When you first asked why I hadn’t visited yet, I thought you were joking, so I responded lightly. It wasn’t until you clarified that I realized it mattered to you, and I regret not recognizing that sooner. I tried to explain my reasons, but I may not have conveyed the full picture. And At the time it didn’t seem like you wanted to explain further.

The truth is, I’ve been overwhelmed, juggling multiple projects, school, my business and just personal commitments. I’ve been feeling burnt out since Chicago, and it’s been affecting my ability to keep up with everything. I even discussed this in therapy because I felt terrible about how things unfolded between us. My therapist was able to show me how I was being unfair to myself because I didn’t even consider these things I had going on as factors.

On my birthday, I noticed some distance from you, which made me reflect on our previous conversations about birthdays. It felt intentional, and that hurt, especially since I do value birthdays. None of us are guaranteed another one. Because of this I didn’t visit the mural after my birthday l planned because I know it would’ve been awkward for me and I don’t think it would’ve been appropriate to bring this up at a mural visit.

I understand that my absence at the mural upset you, but I want you to know it wasn’t intentional. I hope we can talk about this and find a way to move forward. 

( You don’t have to talk/ respond now because I’m sure you have a lot going on, I just chose to send this at a convenient time for me)

4/18/25, 8:07 PM - : Hey Michema,

I appreciate the message. I also wanted to make sure I express myself thoughtfully and throughly, hence my delay in responding and the very long message ahead.

It's not that it was said jokingly. It's just that I didn't expect to hear all the reasons why you _couldn't_ support me during such a pivotal moment in my art career. I know you're busy, so if you had said something along the lines of "Girl, I've been so busy and haven't had a chance to pass by yet, but I will" vs saying "It's not on my route 🙂" — STUNG. You tried to explain further, but like I said then, it sounded like a huge inconvenience for you to show up for five seconds, and that hurts, especially because love _is_ an inconvenience, and I've put myself in such situations to be there for you. But you know what? I decided to let it go because I really did understand your reasons.

But then, you showed up the day after in your pajamas, snapped a picture (for WhatsApp, not even IG), then left. It felt rushed and unplanned (which isn't like you at all) and was very performative. The more I thought about it, the weirder it made me feel. But again, I decided to let it go and replied to your snap to cut any awkwardness and show appreciation for you at least making it despite the reasons you shared then, and now in this message, why you couldn't earlier.

Then you started posting about your birthday. You had enough time to plan to leave St. Kitts for a weekend with no mention of it to me. My birthday greeting was a bit dry, not intentionally, but to avoid having to talk further and risk bringing up my feelings about everything that could've possibly ruined your happy weekend. But that, in addition to everything else in that one week (among other instances), revealed to me that we're not as close as we say we are, and I've been sitting on those feelings ever since.

That's when I realized you actually haven't been _there_ during this mural journey at all. Support from friends and strangers alike has ranged from genuine social media engagement and sweet supportive messages to interest in receiving personal updates about the process from the very beginning. People passing by have shown support through honks and hails while others have physically shown up to keep me company or provide help. Some have even brought drinks and food while I was working, which meant a lot cause funds have been low as you know. Did you know that even Revoy passed by and asked if I wanted to eat or drink earlier that day because he saw me there? I was caught off guard and didn't say yes, and while it was odd coming from him, that was still _support_.

The whole mural journey has been surreal, and you haven't been a part of it in any capacity. It's sad to think about, but I think it provided clarity that maybe we're not in the same place anymore when it comes to this friendship. Especially because, unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've felt unsupported, disregarded, or dismissed. There have been many instances where I've chosen our friendship over my own discomfort with something you've said or done. This may seem random because I've repeatedly convinced myself that I was just being too sensitive or just overthinking things, so I chose to let it go time and again instead of voicing them to you. I now recognize that I've been diminishing my own needs to preserve a friendship that has fundamentally changed.

Given all of this, I still care for you and don't wish for any animosity between us, but we need to adjust the boundaries of our friendship and our expectations of each other. This isn't about temporary space, it's acknowledging that the dynamics of our relationship have changed, and that's okay. I hope we can still be on good terms if and when we encounter each other.

4/19/25, 7:50 AM - Michema Duggins: This message was deleted

4/19/25, 9:01 AM - Michema Duggins: Hi Sasha, thanks for responding.

I’m glad this created space for some open dialogue. That said, there were some strong claims in your message, and I think it’s best I respond in stages to ensure I address them carefully and clearly.

Starting with the mural situation:

Thanks for clarifying that your initial message wasn’t a joke. As I mentioned before, my response at the time wasn’t ideal, but I don’t think sharing the reasons why I hadn’t been able to visit was wrong. You asked if i can’t visit stop and hail you initially and then you went on to why you asked that and I tried to answer with honesty and context. When I began explaining, you made me feel like I was over-explaining, saying you didn’t need all of that, just wanted me to say that I was coming. But all I was just doing is providing context on why I couldn't just pass and hail.

You mentioned it seemed like a huge inconvenience to me, and while I understand how it came off, I did try in that moment to explain myself sincerely. I also want to gently note that in our friendship, both of us have made sacrifices to show up for each other. While I respect that you may have felt unsupported in this instance, it felt unfair to imply you’ve always been the one doing the showing up. I’ve made space for you in my life and capacity, even when it wasn’t always easy, because our friendship matters to me.

On the night I visited:

You said my visit seemed rushed, unplanned, and performative. I understand that’s how it felt to you, but to say that’s what it was removes space for my perspective, and that felt hurtful. You said it didnt seem like me at all and You’re right because it was unplanned. I genuinely didn’t expect to see you that night. I was exhausted that day and I realized I didn’t cook dinner, revoy offered to get me food. Then he offered the drive which I was quite literally forced to take. Despite being clearly undressed and was not the most comfortable and had no intentions of leaving the car,  I got out of the car and greeted you because I knew that would mean something after the earlier conversation. That moment wasn’t performative, it was a tired friend trying to do the right thing in the little capacity she had with the opportunity presented to her.

You also mentioned that I only posted to WhatsApp, not Instagram. I didn’t think one platform was more meaningful than the other, and I still had my initial plans of visiting the mural at a better time where you were still working during the day to get better content for IG. The mural wasn’t a checklist for me, it was something I still planned to show love for properly. A quick message would have cleared that up, and it’s worth noting at that time I was under the impression we had already moved forward.

Regarding my birthday:

When you wrote, “And you started posting about your birthday,” it felt like I was being judged for celebrating. That made me uncomfortable. Are you implying I shouldn’t post about my birthday because I wasn’t able to show up and post you? You went on to further say I had enough time to plan to leave st kitts and made no mention of it to you. That was a very strong claim to make with absolutely no context.  I didn’t plan my birthday trip. I was surprised with a trip to Nevis. The only thing I did for my birthday was take a day off on Friday which I actually told you about and let you know I was going to be in town that day. I did a nail appointment,which took longer than expected. So long that I missed a boat  that I didn’t know was planned and scheduled for me. When Révoy picked me up he broke the surprise because of me missing the boat I knew nothing about. We went straight to the peninsula after town. My suitcase was already packed in the car. I did nothing but go to town that day with one plan. And if you need receipts for that from conversations of people asking me what I did or planned for my birthday I can provide that.

But even if I had planned it, are you suggesting I didn’t deserve to celebrate my birthday because I hadn’t shown up for you how you wanted me to? Or that I owed you a play-by-play of my plans without you showing interest?  You never asked about my plans and you saw my posts and instead of “well hey girl I didn’t know you were going Nevis” you just assumed and speculated. And more importantly it seemed like you had a problem with me pouring into myself because I was unable to pour into you the way you wanted me to. Even if it wasn’t a birthday weekend there is absolutely nothing wrong with me finding the time to plan something for myself because at very bare minimum I should take care of myself first because I could even tackle showing up for anyone. That was a poor take. As a friend, I would’ve appreciated curiosity instead of assumptions. You never asked me what I was doing for my birthday. You saw posts and made conclusions.

About the birthday message:

You admitted the message was dry but said it wasn’t intentional yet explained it was dry because you didn’t want to open the door to a deeper conversation. That, to me, is intentional. You made a conscious choice to withhold warmth on my birthday to avoid discussing how you felt. ​​When you mention you wanted to avoid talking further and risk bringing up your feelings. My question is why would you? Why would you bring up your feelings while wishing me happy birthday. Why would that be even a thought on my birthday. Also, when you said you didn’t want to talk further or bring up your feelings to avoid “ruining my happy weekend” I have to be honest, that line felt unnecessarily sharp. The tone came off as harsh, almost like my happiness was something to tiptoe around or be resented. If that wasn’t your intention, I understand. But that’s how it landed. It seems like you’re telling me that you’re so unable to put your feelings to the side to properly greet me / show interest.. on my birthday. I don’t understand why you would make anything about you on that day in particular.  And while I understand wanting to protect your peace, it felt like my birthday became a casualty of unspoken resentment. That stung, especially from someone I consider a close friend.

I say all this not to attack but to express how this all made me feel. Because based on this message you were harboring resentment from my lack of support / unplanned visit and you didn’t know how to articulate that to me. And those feelings rolled over into my birthday and on my birthday you speculated further instead of communicating. Then you made my birthday weekend the catalyst that revealed to you that we were not as close friends as you think we are. 

About the mural journey 

You also mentioned feeling unsupported during your mural journey, that I wasn’t present or didn’t show up in any meaningful way. I want to acknowledge that if my actions didn’t reflect the kind of support you needed, I understand your disappointment. But to say I didn’t show support in any form simply isn’t true. Support is subjective, and while it’s clear that public acknowledgment and a physical visit to the mural were important to you, I showed up in the ways I could at the time.

From our conversations about the mural before it even started, to offering suggestions on logistics when you started, to offering my home as a place to cool off while I was away, to coming from an 8+ hr traveling day and telling you not to catch a bus, I’ll take you to town to the mural. Checking in during the week, having conversations about the mural plus other projects you’re working on. Even offering a sponsor video for the mural reveal. All of that was support, it might not have been the only support you wanted but it was support nonetheless. I didn’t know that a social media post  and showing up physically was the only form of support that would’ve counted, and I also don’t think it’s fair to compare our long-standing friendship to the validation from strangers.

I understand wanting more or needing support to look a certain way but that needs to be communicated, not held in. I can’t improve on something I’m unaware of.

You also brought up that this wasn’t the first time you felt unsupported, disregarded, or dismissed. I’m truly sorry that I’ve made you feel that way it was never my intention. But I think it’s only fair to acknowledge that I’ve experienced similar feelings at times too.

There’s even a running joke between us that you’re not the best person to lean on emotionally, and you’ve admitted that you sometimes struggle with being receptive or fully present when others need support. That hasn’t made me love you any less, but it has shaped how I’ve learned to manage my own expectations within our friendship. I’ve made peace with certain limits in how we show up for each other, and I’ve often sought support elsewhere when needed, out of understanding not resentment.

That’s why it hurts to now feel like all of that grace and understanding hasn’t been extended to me. This entire situation feels rooted in unmet needs, miscommunication, and assumptions, assumptions that could’ve been cleared up much earlier with a conversation.

What’s also difficult is that this dialogue only happened because I reached out. To know that resentment had been building for so long with no effort to open a space for us to talk about it, it’s disheartening. I’m sure you didn’t intend for it to grow this way, but the distance, the silence, and then the tone of your message felt like a culmination of things I wasn’t even aware of.

As I mentioned before, I’m navigating a very intense period in my life and career right now. What I’m working on is also pivotal for me, and while I’m not comparing the weight of either project, I do think it’s worth noting that not once in your message did you acknowledge what I’ve been managing or how it may have affected my capacity. 

Despite all of this, I still care about you and our friendship. I do believe there’s space for us to move forward, but only if there’s reflection on both sides. We have different needs and ways of showing love and support and that’s okay but clear and honest communication will always matter more than assumptions or silence.

4/19/25, 9:11 AM - : Before I read further, I want to say that you are absolutely in your right to celebrate your birthday. Mentioning that bit in my message was a segue into saying we may not be as close as we say we are. I thought I was clear in how I worded it, but I see that I was wrong. I'm the person who always says to focus on you before you focus on anyone else. Your birthday is yours - not mine. It was to highlight a pattern of us not being as close as we say we are. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:19 AM - : I can't hide my feelings, you know this. I couldn't fake warmth even if I wanted to, but allowing the day to pass without saying anything would've been worse because we know birthdays mean alot. I felt like I was pulling teeth to just message you cause I was clearly hurt about your actions prior, but I had to put my emotions aside to message and share a greeting. Me saying I didn't want to ruin your happy weekend was literally just that. It shows that, despite I'm not feeling the best about our friendship right now, your birthday weekend isn't the time for me to bring it up. In reality, I was putting you above me and my feelings. I thought that was worded clear as well, but I see you perceived it differently.

4/19/25, 9:32 AM - : Mural:

Offering your place as a cool down while you were away, felt more about ensuring your car was able to be fixed than me having the space especially because it had to take me and Nick both to get it to Raheem.

You taking me town to the mural was a carpool situation. You were already on the way. As you said, you guys were getting lunch. It made sense as we were both heading in the same direction. I also thought you would've swung by after eating /grabbing food, but you didn't. 

Hmm, I won't say we had that much conversation about the mural process and you checking in on me when it started - but that's subjective.

Volunteering your services would've been the _close friend_ thing to do. I asked because it didn't occur to me, and the first thing you said is that you can't sponsor. We eventually landed on a drone shot at the end, and tbh while you didn't say this, it felt like a job to you still, so I considered giving you change for it still. However, since then, a couple photographers have willingly taken pictures of me down there because, in their words, they love what I'm doing. Someone with a drone asked to come by when I'm finished as well. It would've been so nice if you had offered. 

Highlighting the support I received from strangers  was to provide a comparison. Now that I've shared my bit about it earlier in this message, you'd see why, to me, your support was lacking. Do note, support from friends locally and abroad that I've known way less than you have provided support as well and was wrapped up in that general message.

4/19/25, 9:38 AM - : You're right, I only shared my piece because you messaged because I knew if I opened dialogue, we'll be right here - sending long paragraphs throughout the day, emotions all over the place. This isn't the space I wanted to be in when I have a mural to finish, so I said I'll just bring it up after. And truthfully, if you had messaged me like everything was alright, I would've continued it as well. But time kept passing because I didn't message you. That happened alot.

4/19/25, 9:39 AM - : I did acknowledge how busy you've been recently and that I understood. In the initial messages about the mural and the one I sent yesterday.

4/19/25, 9:42 AM - Michema Duggins: Thank you for acknowledging that. The birthday message seemed very nasty. 

It noticeable to didn’t acknowledge your assumption and conclusion on how I planned and did my birthday.

4/19/25, 9:42 AM - Michema Duggins: That was blantant lie on me and you did not acknowledge or apologize for that.

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - : What I didn't acknowledge? <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - : The whole weekend passed and you still didn't tell me...

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - : You normally send me pictures from your trips

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - Michema Duggins: You said I found time to plan a whole birthday and told you nothing about it.

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - Michema Duggins: That was not the case

4/19/25, 9:44 AM - Michema Duggins: Also you did acknowledge how that could’ve been cleared up with a question or a message

4/19/25, 9:44 AM - : Okay, I retract the planned statement - but everything else stands

4/19/25, 9:45 AM - : I could say the same to you here as well. If you felt my message was dry, you could've pull me up on it

4/19/25, 9:45 AM - : But instead daysss pass <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:46 AM - Michema Duggins: You’re right youre not the best at hiding your feelings. And that it how I knew we had a problem based on your birthday weekend and lack of presence.

This was not something I was aware of. 

You intentially gave me a dry birthday weekend greeting based on your feelings at the time. 

Yes it wouldvr been worse not to say anything but you say doing that and not providing any context afterwards. Didn’t had to be on my birthday is unfair to me. Cause I’m now on my end thinking we’ve move past this not knowing that we haven’t

4/19/25, 9:47 AM - Michema Duggins: And I was left to navigate that

4/19/25, 9:48 AM - Michema Duggins: Because the unplanned trip visit did not occure as an issue to me what’s so ever. 

In my mind the initial conversation we had still stand and I still had my plans to visit like I said I would.

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - : You're still perceiving it incorrectly

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - Michema Duggins: No communication = miscommunication 

This was an issue on your end. I was totally unaware of.

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - : But not much I can do for your understanding. I was clear in my messaging.

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - : But I'll allow you to read the others and provide your insight

4/19/25, 9:50 AM - Michema Duggins: I never asked you to handle my car situation until the day of my flight 

In fact I left the key in the car for Raheem to drive 

I never made it you or nick’s responsibility 

All I did was alerted you that he will come for the car so he doesn’t startle you

4/19/25, 9:50 AM - Michema Duggins: It wasn’t until the day I was coming home Raheem told me he was unable to come for the car and then I asked you

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - : Raheem called Nick and had no interest in going inside your house for some reason so I'm not sure it would've happened hadn't I had the key

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - Michema Duggins: That wasnt your responsibility and we never agreed initially for you to arrange that for me. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - Michema Duggins: That is a lie

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - Michema Duggins: The car key was in the car

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - : The part was in your house?

4/19/25, 9:52 AM - Michema Duggins: Raheem didn’t needed to go in the house until the day of because Révoy made it known he did not put car part in the car.

And when I realized this that is when I told Raheem he stop by when you’re there which is what I kept harassing him to do.

4/19/25, 9:52 AM - Michema Duggins: It was never you guys responsibility

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: I never made it yall responsiblity 

It was only on the day of me returning home I realize he didn’t do it and Raheem called Nick without my knows <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Knowledge

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: I never mentioned Nick to him I said you’d be there

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: And I told him the time you were

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Again

4/19/25, 9:54 AM - Michema Duggins: This could’ve been cleared up with a question or message

4/19/25, 9:57 AM - Michema Duggins: So you implying me offering my house was me trying to get my car is simply untrue. We never made such arrangements. I needed that favor the very day I was travelling home. I had to work out something before I was home which is why I asked if you guys can do it <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:57 AM - Michema Duggins: I was not happy

4/19/25, 9:57 AM - Michema Duggins: And i expressed that to you

4/19/25, 9:58 AM - : That's all understandable but given that, I didn't feel the appreciation. In fact, you said something along the lines of not caring wa we do with the car. My heart sunk really but I figure you were just more annoyed at him, however, not acknowledging my sacrifice to get your car to him etc would've been nice to hear instead.

4/19/25, 9:59 AM - Michema Duggins: Excuse me 

You just lied on me.

4/19/25, 9:59 AM - Michema Duggins: You just said I let you in my house to handle a car situation that I left for someone else.

4/19/25, 9:59 AM - : Let's refrain from saying one of us are lying. We could just merely say we're recalling it differently

4/19/25, 10:00 AM - : Or perceiving it differently

4/19/25, 10:00 AM - Michema Duggins: When did I made arrangement with you?

4/19/25, 10:00 AM - : We are two different people with individual thoughts. We won't see the situations the same

4/19/25, 10:01 AM - : As your friend, I make sure you were dealt with, despite not feeling the appreciation in the end. I didn't do anything without asking you if it's okay first given the circumstances

4/19/25, 10:01 AM - Michema Duggins: All that told me you should’ve said no

4/19/25, 10:01 AM - : To you?

4/19/25, 10:02 AM - : To Raheem?

4/19/25, 10:03 AM - : Then what are friends for if I can't help you when you can't help yourself?

4/19/25, 10:03 AM - : (In this case, cause you were off island)

4/19/25, 10:03 AM - : And I understand you saying that wasn't the plan initially but the plans changed. Appreciation is the name of the game here - that's all

4/19/25, 10:04 AM - : But if we continue to see this one differently, then that's okay.

4/19/25, 10:05 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact you think I gave you access to my place was to get my car fixed.  

When I actually gave you the reason why at the time that I wanted you to get the break from Nick. I prepared told you snacks in there. And you forgot all of that because the day of me traveling  back home. I asked you a favor that I had no intentions of asking of you.

4/19/25, 10:09 AM - Michema Duggins: I think I showed appreciation by coming for you that day and literally bringing down stuff and dropping them off.

But now we’re Let’s address me offering you a lift the day after my 8+ flight. 

No it wasn’t on the same route, we were going to frigate bay. No I didn’t had to offer you that lift not that I had to go Révoy was going on his own he told me to go to sleep. I was the one that asked you if you going to town and offered the lift.

4/19/25, 10:09 AM - Michema Duggins: I could’ve let Révoy go straight frigate bay and go in my bed to very frank.

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: That was me putting myself out my way I was feeling sick I was exhausted but I didn’t feel it made sense for you to catch bus when I could’ve drop you.

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: We didn’t need your key

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: I had a key already

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: I could’ve gone straight home.

4/19/25, 10:13 AM - Michema Duggins: I wasn’t obligated to do that especially after that intense traveling. That was support again it wasn’t support you wanted but it was support.

4/19/25, 10:14 AM - Michema Duggins: You mention us coming back after getting food? Did you consider I wanted to go straight home and get sleep cause I had work the very next day? I didn’t even want to go on the car drive much less anywhere

4/19/25, 10:14 AM - Michema Duggins: I was in an airport from 4 am

4/19/25, 10:14 AM - Michema Duggins: But you’re just thinking of you. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:15 AM - Michema Duggins: I could’ve come home and not give a shit about anything. You’re upset I didn’t come back to the mural after getting food from an 8 hr travel day?

4/19/25, 10:16 AM - Michema Duggins: Do not you see how self centered that is? The fact that I even offered a lift is a lot more than what some people would do on a day like that.

4/19/25, 10:20 AM - Michema Duggins: Friends help each other without holding it against each other

You clearly had a problem with helping that day and you totally overlooked me offering my space as solace because you didn’t feel like you got the appreciation that you deserve for doing a favor. Because me thanking you in person and picking you up while dog tired

Literally come in the house change and went back out wasn’t enough. I did not had to do any of that. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:21 AM - Michema Duggins: I didn’t in anyway need to see you that day or show up for you that way. I had a key again. I was always going to be able to get in my house. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:24 AM - Michema Duggins: Your choice of not communicating has been catalyst in my opinion of this whole back and forth. Did you even properly dissect my message before responding. Very strong claims were made you in your message with no clarify or no context

With No need to hear or another perspective. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:27 AM - Michema Duggins: There was many things you said that was very triggering, calling me performative was one. It’s been crickets on that. 

You coming at me for my birthday when you couldn’t even muster up to send a proper birthday. You only acknowledging yourself as the one to chose this friendship over your own discomfort. Did you ever consider this I’ve also done this for you countless times? 

You had your own feelings and your own clouded judgement made conclusions about my actions. When all you had to do was communicate. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:31 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact that you feel is fine to say if I never said anything you would’ve just continued harbor these feelings. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:31 AM - Michema Duggins: How has that worked out?

4/19/25, 10:32 AM - Michema Duggins: Why would I want to have a friendship where someone is literally harboring feelings against me I’m totally unaware of.

4/19/25, 10:32 AM - Michema Duggins: That is not healthy.

4/19/25, 10:34 AM - Michema Duggins: No you did not, you said you understand my reasons initially but that was not full context. But then even after hearing about my burn out no where in your message addressed instead of chastised for taking time off for the day I was born

4/19/25, 10:35 AM - Michema Duggins: No where in your message addressed my burn out what I was handling and how it affected my capacity. No where in the message how this was literally brought up in therapy. Because I was beating down on myself for nothing I had no control over.

4/19/25, 10:38 AM - Michema Duggins: Let’s address the volunteering services. I am glad you choose that word. Because no where this was business transaction and nothing I had said indicated to that. What I said is that I can’t promise Révoy to have the time to show up during the process because he’s on a schedule and I know it would’ve been difficult to promise that. What I landed on was the end project 

A drone reveal and that offer was not transactional nor was it ever rescinded. If it was I had no awareness of that. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:38 AM - Michema Duggins: And in fact I still offered. I asked and I checked in asking if you were finish

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I marked in my calendar  despite the comforableness after my birthday and asked if you were finish

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: Because I gave my word I would do a drone reveal when it was finish

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I stuck to that

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: You responded my bad and then I said yeah this is the time you told me

4/19/25, 10:40 AM - Michema Duggins: You never came back and say hey I’m aiming for this date.

4/19/25, 10:40 AM - Michema Duggins: My message stay there. So please don’t make it seem like that offer was ever off the table but I made sure it make to clear it was still there

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: And I refer to it as a sponsor only not a transaction I never asked for my logo to be planted I never asked for tag

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: I just asked for the time and we’ll show up and get it done

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: And even during all of this the offer is still on the table

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: Never took it back

4/19/25, 10:43 AM - : You mentioned earlier about this 'running joke' about me not being there emotionally for you, and you've chosen to lean on others instead - and maybe that's the disconnect. Cause I've felt like we've only talked about work, trips, our men, and that..isn't enough. You know? And I'm sorry you've felt like I've emotionally lacked in our relationship. I didn't know I had. I just know when it comes to work and finances, I'm not your equal, and so I can't provide the support you need in that regard even though I still try to be. Maybe you not giving me the space to be there for you in other ways is why I feel like we are not as close as we say we are.

I see your clarifications on the trip/your home/giving me a ride, etc, and I can see it's upsetting you. And I know its unfair to you to hear what I said and what I'm about to say cause, yes, you had no idea. I've kept it held in. 

- I felt odd going to your home without you there cause I I've asked a couple of times to come by, and you were busy or just not in the mood, which is understandable. The 'oddness' was only getting to come by your home when you weren't there to be there with me. I say to myself all the time that we're finally neighbours, and we barely hang out. We're pen pals. We had a friendship where we slept in the same bed before... and truthfully, I didn't want to go there alone. The location, you not being there, but cause I know you did infact make preparations for me to go there, I wanted to show appreciation and didn't want it to be in vein.

- I appreciate the insight on your travel back and the ride. I appreciate _your_ sacrifice, but tbh I was uncomfortable. I've been uncomfortable with Revoy ever since the breakup. I'm not okay being in enclosed spaces with him since and seeing  you guys being somewhat together again despite his very illtreatment of you in the past. It also why it was sooo weird for him to call me and asked if I need something to eat and drink. Him of all people? My normal bus ride would've been more comfortable for me.

I see you've sent more messages. Will respond when I can.

4/19/25, 10:44 AM - : So we both could've communicated our discomfort during this relationship and didn't. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:46 AM - : It's pretty fine cause I have tunnel vision and made arrangements on my end to ensure I'm not triggered. But now I'm stiff and uncomfortable as I navigate these messages.

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - : I agree. It isn't. But as I said in the initial messages I thought I was overly sensitive or overthinking. I do want to highlight during the slight moments I did communicate, it ended with me saying to myself I shouldn't have brought it up. I didn't feel heard.

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: I did communicated my discomfort after my birthday

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: I am the only one that open dialogue here

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: That was the only discomfort I had

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: I had no awareness of all of these other thighs

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: Things*

4/19/25, 10:48 AM - : I thought you meant you've also been uncomfortable during our friendship outside the last couple weeks. It's what understood.

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - : Oh Michema. You're misconstrued my message and I hope you take a chance to re-read. It literally says to highlight we haven't been as close because you didn't SAY anything. My girl you are free to celebrate your day! I'm not sure how you're reading it any differently.

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - Michema Duggins: Why would I give that space for  to be there in that capacity when you’ve explicitly said to many times you cannot handle certain things

I never started that running joke you did <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - Michema Duggins: I respected your capacity always

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - Michema Duggins: I never made it an issue

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - Michema Duggins: I just redirected when I feel I had to

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - Michema Duggins: If you wanted our relationship to shift more to those things again that was something that could’ve been communicated

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - Michema Duggins: I was just doing what you told me you’re capable of doing <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - : If the ways that I highlighted your busy schedule and overwhelm isn't enough, how else would you have liked me to address it? Genuinely asking.

The more we communicate, the more obvious it is that we just don't fit anymore, Michema.

4/19/25, 10:51 AM - : Didnt you say right after my voice note that you can't sponsor it before we worked out something?

4/19/25, 10:51 AM - Michema Duggins: Busy schedule is not appropriate term for burnt out 

When you’ve expressed how yo I felt many times to before I never minimized it to yourself

4/19/25, 10:52 AM - Michema Duggins: Please find where in my message when I said you had to pay for the drone

We were already discussing it as sponsorship never a transaction

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - Michema Duggins: That was your assumption and if you needed further clarity on that you could’ve simply asked

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Omg

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - : You asked if I were done with the mural/ ready for the drone about what.. 2 / 3 times? I've been very visible on social media about my progress and if you're not aware, regular conversations with me would let you know where I reach in the mural. Asking if I ready for the drone highlighted even more how detached you are from the process. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha the communicate is killing me

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - : I don't have one...

4/19/25, 10:54 AM - : I know it wasn't off the table. It was mentioned to highlight that it wasn't initially offered by my close friend but asked by me. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:54 AM - : Maybe the message needed editing. I thought you said you couldn't sponsor it.

4/19/25, 10:55 AM - : But because we talked further about it, it seemed like you can do so for the drone reveal at the end

4/19/25, 10:55 AM - : But it still felt transactional to me

4/19/25, 10:56 AM - Michema Duggins: After my birthday I took a step back to reflect on your greeting and the lack of presence I was not keeping up with you on social media however I did mark the date when you said you were aiming to finish. So while reflecting I came back to check in on it. I didn’t had to but this is something to agree

Why do I have to rely on social media to know where you are with your mural? Why you couldn’t just say hey Michema it’s looking like this weekend or next weekend

You didn’t had to give a definite date but you could’ve said something and you didn’t

4/19/25, 10:57 AM - Michema Duggins: If I message you directly

4/19/25, 10:57 AM - Michema Duggins: I think the best thing would be to msg me back directly and say this is the case

4/19/25, 10:57 AM - : You didn't have to rely on social media. It's why I said if we were regularly talking, you'd know.. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: After my birthday

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - : I have people who's not on social media at all to very rarely, knowing where I am

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - : Through messaging and video calls.

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: When you’re literally harboring feelings about me and couldn’t even msg me properly.

We were always talking normal until after that weekend.

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: I still despite my comfort

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: Checked in

4/19/25, 10:59 AM - Michema Duggins: When did you?

4/19/25, 10:59 AM - : The conversations were sporadic

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha the break down in communication happen that weekend and only that weekend

If you had msg me normal on my birthday I would had no clue of any of this

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: I would’ve been oblivious <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: I woulda still check in

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: Regardless

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: And I fix

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - : And I can also say if you messaged me normally after, it wouldn't have reach to this

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: Did*

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: No ma

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: Now*

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: This is not right

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - : But if you're wondering if I would've checked in if you didn't, the answer is no. I said it earlier. I wanted to finish my mural before I address anything with you

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: Because you’re telling I must act like elephant not in the room

4/19/25, 11:02 AM - : What's the certain things?

4/19/25, 11:02 AM - Michema Duggins: The problem here is communication. Big time. How we handle things is different

The fact you were willing to sit on that attempt to treat me normal is not ok

4/19/25, 11:02 AM - Michema Duggins: Because that’s not genuine

4/19/25, 11:03 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact you expected me to turn a blind eye to your birthday greeting is not normal 

You just said yourself we took birthdays seriously

4/19/25, 11:03 AM - Michema Duggins: Ofcourse I would notice something is up

4/19/25, 11:03 AM - : I never said you said this earlier. The more we talk, the more we *aren't* communicating..

4/19/25, 11:04 AM - : I knew you were doing it for me....sigh 

Me saying it felt transactional is just a feeling. Not fact.

4/19/25, 11:05 AM - : Isn't it clear how not on the same page we are? <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:06 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha you didn’t had to go my house. I’ll keep it short for that one because it really wasn’t necessary I didn’t need you to be there it was something I was offering if you didn’t feel comfortable being there alone you could’ve said and I would’ve understand. I myself sometimes uncomfortable there alone. It was not a demand it was an offer which you could’ve politely declined. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:07 AM - : Okay - I understand.

4/19/25, 11:07 AM - : Unfortunately that didn't happen that way

4/19/25, 11:07 AM - : My messages have always been to share how it's been a pattern of _me_ being uncomfortable, and I'm sorry to say that no clarification or or what shoulda woulda been done would change those past feelings

4/19/25, 11:08 AM - : It provides context and that I can appreciate but it further fuels the fact that we aren't as close as we say we are anymore <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:08 AM - Michema Duggins: Also You could’ve taken my bus ride. 

and alllow me to add more context, I know you may not be comfortable 100% with Révoy 

Did you ever stop to think that was the whole reason why I came for the drive?

4/19/25, 11:09 AM - Michema Duggins: As I said he was going by himself I was going home to sleep 

When I asked you were going town and realize you were catching bus I said no 

Come with us 

I went home change and got in the car because I know you wouldn’t have feel ok with just him

4/19/25, 11:09 AM - Michema Duggins: But the fact that you still didn’t feel ok

4/19/25, 11:09 AM - Michema Duggins: You could’ve said no

4/19/25, 11:10 AM - Michema Duggins: I wouldn’t feel right knowing that I could offer you ease and choosing not to do it

4/19/25, 11:10 AM - Michema Duggins: As tired as I was I saw the opportunity

4/19/25, 11:10 AM - Michema Duggins: To help

4/19/25, 11:11 AM - Michema Duggins: This thing about him offering you a drink or something to eat. I never heard of it.

4/19/25, 11:11 AM - Michema Duggins: Until you told me

4/19/25, 11:11 AM - Michema Duggins: He didn’t seem to find the need to share with that me

4/19/25, 11:12 AM - Michema Duggins: So that seems like something he genuinely offered without me in the picture

4/19/25, 11:12 AM - Michema Duggins: He probably was on an errand that day I have no idea

4/19/25, 11:12 AM - Michema Duggins: But he did not share that with me.

4/19/25, 11:13 AM - Michema Duggins: I don’t see the correlation. Because it’s not like i would see you there and pass you straight either

4/19/25, 11:13 AM - Michema Duggins: I literally come out the car half naked.

4/19/25, 11:13 AM - Michema Duggins: The first time I saw you there

4/19/25, 11:15 AM - Michema Duggins: You expect us not to have uncomfortable dialogue?

4/19/25, 11:15 AM - : We both know that I'm more of a sleep on things person. I never say what I'd like to say right off bat. That's not my super power, that's yours. I need time to reflect and get my thoughts together. That's  with everybody friendship and business relationships. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:15 AM - Michema Duggins: Do you think we’re suppose to go just go along pretending like things are ok if they are not

4/19/25, 11:16 AM - : The times we've have..never ended how I'd like.

4/19/25, 11:16 AM - Michema Duggins: So .. you just thought things would continue and never reach that point again?

4/19/25, 11:16 AM - : I know its unfair to you to hear these things for the first time. I can accept that. That's my flaw.

4/19/25, 11:18 AM - : But I usually feel like what I'm saying, you're not listening. We are replying to get our points across not to get an understanding

4/19/25, 11:18 AM - Michema Duggins: You also fail to realize you didn’t ask anything

You made a conclusion of my birthday 

Why do I have to clear up my birthday for you? If you’re a genuine friend you’d show interest not just assume.

4/19/25, 11:19 AM - : The correlation was highlighted but I feel like I'm steady clarifying what I mean

4/19/25, 11:19 AM - : What does clear up your birthday mean?

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - : That you had to tell me what really happened? That it was a suprise? When that's not what I wanted to hear <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - : My messaging have been super clear

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - Michema Duggins: You said I found the time to plan my own birthday weekend . The audacity of me find time. And that I didn’t mention any of it to you. You saw it but you never asked.

What’s crazy is that I posted I was surprised you said you saw my birthday plans but you felt like we weren’t close cause main say nothing

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - Michema Duggins: That was a nasty message

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - Michema Duggins: Totally unnecessary

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : Did I not say, after you clarified, that I retract the 'planned' aspect of my message?

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : What do you want me to do here.

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : I saw one tik tok/snap and that's when I made my arrangements <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : I didn't see anything else after that one thing <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : Nothing

4/19/25, 11:22 AM - : I haven't been keeping up with your social media as you said you haven't been mine

4/19/25, 11:22 AM - Michema Duggins: Your arrangements to… what exactly?

4/19/25, 11:22 AM - : Here

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: After your birthday message* I stopped keeping up with your social media

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: when did you start?

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: On my birthday weekend? <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - : Your first birthday snap yes

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: Ok.. that’s sounds healthy to you?

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: You intentionally chose not to be there or present in anyway for my birthday

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: Because of something I had no idea about

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: And that’s sound ok to you?

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: And then went on to say it wasn’t intentional

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: These are conscious decisions

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - : It's what happened. With how things were going with the mural, I forgot your birthday was so close. Usually, plans are shared ahead of time. I didn't know leading up to it that you had a day off and getting your nails done. You said you told me. I can't recall. I'm not calling you a liar btw. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:25 AM - : My phone reminded me maybe the Saturday that it was coming up.

4/19/25, 11:26 AM - Michema Duggins: I didn’t choose not to support you at your mural 

Let’s make that clear 

I support you in the way I could 

Me not offering the support you wanted me to was never intentional 

However you choosing not to be there on my birthday and essentially ghosting me the weekend is intentional 

That’s intentional actions that hurt me

4/19/25, 11:26 AM - Michema Duggins: And caused this dialogue to be opened

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - Michema Duggins: You keep saying “how things were going with the mural” what things? I on my end we had a conversation we came to a solution I saw you the day we share a laugh

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - Michema Duggins: Everything was fine

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - Michema Duggins: On my end

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - : How busy I was with the mural******* <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - Michema Duggins: I told you about my day off because I asked I can come see you at your mural then

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - : I don't recall

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - Michema Duggins: You told me you weren’t gonna be in town

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - Michema Duggins: On the Friday

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - : The Friday that you left? We didn't talk

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - : But hbd and thanks.

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : Or you meant earlier in the week?

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - Michema Duggins: .

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - Michema Duggins: .

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : What did I say

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I'm usually off

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - Michema Duggins: .

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I did go that day though

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I didn't know you were off cause of birthday thangs

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - Michema Duggins: Ohhh

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I would've come town for it

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : Just thought it was an off day

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : And you've been busy

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : I wouldn't have asked you to pop by on your off day

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: But I was suppose to know? When you said you not gonna be there

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : I know you like to catch up with what you're doing on those days

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: And I offered still

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: You didn’t even had my birthday as a thought

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : I go based off vibes. Your best best was to ask me day of if I'm there or going that day <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: I’m not gonna even address that tho

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact that I still offered to see that day

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - Michema Duggins: After our conversation

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - Michema Duggins: Further shows I was trying to work things out

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - Michema Duggins: And you completely forgot that

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - : Well...

4/19/25, 11:32 AM - : We will continue to perceive things differently

4/19/25, 11:32 AM - : Going to the mural wasn't a tick off my calendar. It was how I felt the morning of.

4/19/25, 11:32 AM - : Planning to meet at the mural isn't how it should go (to me)

4/19/25, 11:35 AM - Michema Duggins: This whole thing stemmed from me not considering you and look at that you didn’t even acknowledge my birthday was coming up 

I didn’t even bring it up because I was just concerned about how I could show up better for you as a friend 

The very weekend of my birthday you chose to distance yourself 

You marked me off as inconsiderate and performative but no point when you had these feelings you stopped to even check yourself 

And I still didn’t hold that against you but I still reach out to ask about mural finishing and I still chose to open this dialogue despite not even feeling considered

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : I'm not good with dates of memory so I had it in my calendar. I was reminded the Saturday but at this point I knew you were were away....

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : Sigh

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : I don't want to clarify anymore

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - Michema Duggins: You accused of not sharing my plans when I infact did

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : I didn't know they were birthday plans dear <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: I understand this about you however it still good to hold yourself account and said you could’ve been more aware and apologize

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - : Apologize for?

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: Like I have for my own shortcomings

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: Ok

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: Don’t

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - : I'd like to know

4/19/25, 11:38 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha you chose to distance yourself for me on my birthday gave me a dry ass msg and tell me it wasn’t intentional while still telling me it’s intentional 

You were so concerned about me not showing up for your mural that you didn’t recognize my birthday was literally days away and instead checking you you’re just gonna chalk it up you’re not good with dates and that you were busy

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I was busy too but I checked myself with you

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I apologize I saw how my actions affected you

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: Where is that for me here?

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: You can’t even see it

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - : Not at this moment, and while you need it from me, I need time to assess.

4/19/25, 11:40 AM - : So it's not done because you want me to

4/19/25, 11:40 AM - : But I have noted throughout this conversation how much I appreciate the clarifications and context on some of the events. I think that's alot given. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:42 AM - : But apologizing at this point is like apologizing for feeling uncomfortable, unsupported, disregarded. I'm not sure how I can do that. Cause despite, those are my feelings and how my body decided to react to such events.

4/19/25, 11:42 AM - : And while this sounds like one big isolated event to you, it's not to me. I still admit that this is unfair for you to know and hear right now but I've been periodically feeling like this for a few years.

4/19/25, 11:47 AM - : So I'm still of the belief that there needs to be some distance between us because evidently, the dynamics of our relationship have changed - and that's okay. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:54 AM - Michema Duggins: A lot of context that could’ve been cleared up with prior communication

Yes 

If you think holding yourself accountable apologizing for your actions  is you apologizing for you how you feel then that’s something you need to work out internally.

You keep changing the goal post, first is not showing up to the mural, next it’s other events that happened and now it’s feelings you’ve been feeling for years. In  All of this I never got the opportunity to have a conversation or to even be aware.

I wont take responsibility for our relationship changing because these events have happpened one sided. I’ve never hold any resentment towards you ever.

I do feel distance is best, reflection is very much needed.

4/19/25, 11:55 AM - : The goal post wasn't moved, they were all given to share a pattern

4/19/25, 11:55 AM - : But I'm glad we agree that reflection is much needed

[myanondiary]

Friendship Breakup.

Part 1

It's not that it was said jokingly. It's just that I didn't expect to hear all the reasons why you _couldn't_ support me during such a pivotal moment in my art career. I know you're busy, so if you had said something along the lines of "Girl, I've been so busy and haven't had a chance to pass by yet, but I will" vs saying "It's not on my route 🙂" — STUNG. You tried to explain further, but like I said then, it sounded like a huge inconvenience for you to show up for five seconds, and that hurts, especially because love _is_ an inconvenience, and I've put myself in such situations to be there for you. But you know what? I decided to let it go because I really did understand your reasons.

But then, you showed up the day after in your pajamas, snapped a picture (for WhatsApp, not even IG), then left. It felt rushed and unplanned (which isn't like you at all) and very performative. The more I thought about it, the weirder it made me feel. But again, I decided to let it go and replied to your snap to cut any awkwardness and show appreciation for you at least making it.

Then you started posting about your birthday. You had enough time to plan to leave St. Kitts for a weekend with no mention of it to me. That, in addition to everything else in that one week (among other instances), revealed to me that we're not as close as we say we are, and I've been sitting on those feelings ever since.

That's when I realized you actually haven't been _there_ during this mural journey at all. Support from friends and strangers alike has ranged from genuine social media engagement and sweet supportive messages to interest in receiving personal updates about the process from the very beginning. People passing by have shown support through honks and hails while others have physically shown up to keep me company or provide help. Some have even brought drinks and food while I was working which meant a lot cause funds have been low as you know. Did you know that even Revoy passed by and asked if I wanted to eat or drink earlier that day because he saw me there? I was caught off guard and didn't say yes, and while it was odd coming from him, that was still _support_.

The whole mural journey has been surreal, and you haven't been a part of it in any capacity. It's sad to think about, but I think it provided clarity that maybe we're not in the same place anymore when it comes to this friendship. Especially because, unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've felt unsupported, disregarded, or dismissed. There have been many instances where I've chosen our friendship over my own discomfort with something you've said or done. This may seem random because I've repeatedly convinced myself that I was just being too sensitive or just overthinking things, so I chose to let it go time and again instead of voicing them to you. I now recognize that I've been diminishing my own needs to preserve a friendship that has fundamentally changed.

Given all of this, I still care for you and don't wish for any animosity between us, but we need to adjust the boundaries of our friendship and our expectations of each other. This isn't about temporary space, it's acknowledging that the dynamics of our relationship have changed and that's okay. I hope we can still be on good terms if and when we do encounter each other

Part 2.

I've had some time to reflect on our conversations. I still maintain that my messaging was clear as I had a lot of time to put into words how your actions and lack thereof made me feel. They weren't attacks on your character but descriptions of your actions at that time and a direct response to how those actions affected me emotionally. I was simply expressing my truth about a pattern I've observed and how it's impacted our friendship. 

As this was an emotional conversation centered on feelings and personal experiences, it's natural that we might have different perspectives on what happened. I still appreciate the context behind situations where you clarified what happened behind the scenes but, ultimately, I was expressing how those situations made me feel at face value, regardless of intent. This includes instances where you did offer support at the capacity you could. The support wasn't just insufficient for my needs, it actually left me feeling worse than if no support had been offered at all. The disconnect between your intentions and the impact on me created additional hurt that I struggled to express until now.

I'm someone who really doesn't speak her mind often to the people who probably need to hear it the most. The fact that we’re even here means nothing I said was said lightly or based on just one situation. You see it as me harboring feelings, but I see it as me choosing to give grace and understanding to my friend, rather than voicing every concern despite how they made me feel, until I couldn't anymore. I recognize I failed to express my recurring feelings of being unsupported, dismissed, and disregarded both in recent times and before. That wasn’t fair to you, and I genuinely apologize for the hurt and confusion that may have caused, especially since it must feel like it came out of nowhere.

Also unfair to you was my birthday message. That day, my love for you and disappointment I've felt by your actions were attacking each other for a front row space. I should have either waited until I was in a better emotional state to send genuine well wishes, or been honest about my feelings sooner rather than letting them spill into what should have been a celebration of you. I am truly sorry for allowing my mixed emotions to affect what should have been a happy occasion for you - you deserved better than that from me. Despite those feelings, I did want you to have a happy birthday, even if the message didn't fully convey that. I hope the times I've celebrated you and your achievements in the past speak louder than that one message written from a conflicted place.

Ultimately, this dialogue hasn’t been an eye-opener, it’s more of a confirmation. I’ve noticed a pattern in how we communicate about difficult emotions. When I do open up about how something has affected me, I often walk away feeling more dismissed or misunderstood than heard. I’m not saying this to assign blame, but to acknowledge that we may have very different ways of processing and responding in emotionally charged moments. 

That's why, moving forward, I need to prioritize relationships where I feel truly heard, validated, and safe to express myself. I think it's best we take some time apart to reflect on what we both need from our friendships. I'm at a point where I have to honor my emotional well-being over maintaining a connection that too often leaves me feeling diminished. There's still no animosity on my end, just a quiet recognition that we've grown in different directions. I'm grateful for the good memories we've shared, and I genuinely wish you peace, joy, and continued growth in all that you do.

[myanondiary]

I struggle

I struggle to get up out of bed

I struggle to exercise

I struggle to find my way places

I struggle to eat

I struggle to cook

I struggle to maintain a healthy diet

I struggle with my beauty

I struggle with my creativity

I struggle with my business

I struggle with budgeting and my finances

I struggle with motivation

I struggle with focus

I struggle with depression

I struggle with family issues

I struggle with dependency

I struggle with being independent.

[myanondiary]

I feel stuck.

September 2020 was a huge turning point in my life. I got kicked out, was homeless for four days as I stayed by a different friend each night and moved into my first apartment on the following Monday. Anyone’s first apartment should be the most joyful time in that person’s life but mine was full of sadness. I had no time to look for an apartment I truly wanted, no money to get the things I need and I wasn’t even in the best mental space to be living on my own in that time. It all happened so fast. 

My first apartment didn’t have much good memories. I broke my celibacy out of desperation, frustration and vulnerability. I cried many days and many nights reflecting on the situation that led me there. My mom, she always came around, and she was a direct reminder of the worst day of my life. That didn’t help.

There were good days though. Between the lock downs and the curfews, I was lucky enough to find a friend in the apartment upstairs. He became an escape from reality, my friend in art, and eventually the love of my entire life. I wish we had met under different circumstances, but as shy as he was and still is, I don’t think we would have. Our close proximity definitely propelled our relationship. I was thankful for it.

Things happened fast part 2. Between our landlord being shitty and his then boss being petty for getting a new job (that he didn’t even apply for), we made the conscious decision to leave and move in together. Writing this in February 2022, a few months after my pageant, I know now that was the best idea. The assistance I got from him, along with my mom, were unmatched. I don’t think I would’ve done as great as I did if I didn’t have him under the same roof as I am. But, writing this in February 2022, having reflected on my accomplishments as an almost 27 year old, I feel stuck.

Since the incident, I have practically been unemployed. Covid has made it really different to keep things afloat but I have a huge part to play in this too. I lack motivation, focus and energy to keep trying things, but.. I am able to “stress less” because, thanks to my boyfriend and my mom, rent, bills, groceries and eating out is taken care of each month. But, thanks to my boyfriend and my mom and that stability they have given me, I have been robbed of my independence. Not like I truly had it... but pre-rent and bills, I was in a much better position to take care of myself. Business was blooming, I had no debt, I took my self out pretty often, I kept myself in shape. But now? I feel truly dependent. I leave dishes in the sick because my boyfriend usually takes care of it, I don’t drive so I usually call my mom or my boyfriend, I rarely go shopping because my mom would scan the cupboards and get what I need or my boyfriend shops for us...amongst a host of other things. I life a life most people would appreciate. and I do. But, if they both come out the picture, how would I survive?

I always told myself I won’t ever depend on a man because my mother showed me how horrible it can be, yet I’m in an apartment where my name isn’t on the lease and I can’t afford it even if I tried. I practically manage his business to ensure he’s, and by extension me, is good financially.  I negotiated bigger pay for my boyfriend that pays him double from his last job, I assisted in revamping his design business from the administrative side so more people can know about him, his work, and that he can be prepared to take them on. And, most recently he started his car washing business, a business I have also helped manage from the ground up. He is doing so well and yes, I do give myself credit for some of it. But that’s the problem. I manage his businesses more than mine. I do all that work for him for me to watch netflix everyday, to barely posting about my services, to not pushing to get jobs, which in turn means I’m not making as much money as I should. I feel stuck. Actually, I feel like I have gone backwards. Part of it is being depressed because my father physically assaulted me and because covid has impacted my business and finances. But how long will I let that stunt my growth? I need a chance to bloom. Unfortunately, it means being put in a position where I have to struggle, where I don’t have the safety net of my boyfriend and my mom.

I think I have to move out.

[myanondiary]

Some interesting things happened today and I'm chalking it up to (post) birthday blessings.

I had a $1700 late payment fee on my Inland revenue account. I asked for a loan waiver months back but never got an update. Reviewing the situation and my account with an employee, he says I'm up to do date. There's no late payment fee. I never got an update. I'm free.

Flow sent my a bill with a $55 credit. The last time I checked, my bill was well over $200, though wrongfully so because they offered a 40% discount months ago and never applied it, they wiped the balance and still credited me. Wow.

I sent an application to a company that didn't advertised any openings. Calling to inquire if they got it, my name rung a bell with the supervisor for she knows me (she said we've met in some circles before) and is aware of my application. She said she's having a meeting tomorrow to discuss it with the managers. Her warm welcome in the beginning let me know im in good hands.

I called another company to inquire about any openings. Though they don't have any open, the manager was open to accepting my application because they are always open to new talents. While reciting his email I realized it's my cousin. My cousin! And it was a warm conversation from then on out.

Today has been interesting. I'm definitely chalking this up to post birthday blessings.

[myanondiary]

Things I’ve learnt since moving in and out of my first apartment.

- Take a video of the apartment. Record/document any damages that you met before moving in. Record/document just before moving out.

- Hire an electrician to scan the apartment before moving in or when any electrical appliances (or hot water) gets added. He can assess and ensure that everything is working as it should be.

- Bills in your name and its balances will follow you even after you move out an apartment. Ensure all bills are paid on time.

- Purchase your own modem. Internet can be transferred to wherever you go.

- Talk to your landlord via text to have records of your conversation. Any conversation had in person should be sent via text after meeting.

[myanondiary]

My boyfriend is now the bestfriend I wish I had. May 4th, 2021 6:45:23am

The little social life I had pre-covid was mostly me hanging out solo. It was always "you here by you self again??" yes, unfortunately. The friends I did love, didn’t love hanging out. And the times outside of that, I felt like an outsider to already established friend groups. Getting last minute invites, or running into them without getting invited but “hanging around” because sometimes it was better than being alone, was my social life. I felt like nobody appealed to the extroverted side to myself like I did. Then I met my boyfriend. I met him as an introvert. He was super content with a work to home commute by carpooling with his coworkers, than hanging out with them or friends outside of his home. So content, that purchasing a car on an island that isn't his own wasn't even a top priority. Two months after we shared our feelings for each other, he bought a car cash just so he can be able to take me out (his words) and though he gets social anxiety at the idea of be sociable, he does it for me anyway. I love even more every time he does that. I use to hang out alone, by myself, pretty often pre-covid. Now I hang out with the best friend I wish I had during those times. 

[myanondiary]

[myanondiary]

Highs and Lows

My father really physically assaulted me unprovoked then kicked me out in the middle of a pandemic. I got an apartment, found my pet Jazzi and even the love of my life to share him with. I got approved for a work loan that eventually helped me with my personal expenses and I have a mom, brother and an amazing boyfriend that helps in many ways the best way they can...

But my fucking father assaulted me and kicked me out during a pandemic. I’ve added $2000+ in expenses since and have lost a job bringing in around $3500. Everything is slow, my expenses are getting higher, all because my father fucking assaulted me and kicked me out during a pandemic. 

[myanondiary]

Him. November 26th, 2020, 9:51 AM

We started off as friends. It was completely platonic at first and I personally didn’t see it progressing the way it did (I know now that he hoped for it haha). I knew him before, but eventually I moved into his apartment complex in a semi furnished spot. He’s been living in his furnished apartment for over a year so naturally he had a lot of stuff that I didn’t have. He knew that and he happily offered his spot for certain things. I’d use his microwave to heat up food, thief wifi, wash my clothes, the basic things. He was such a handy man too. When I complained about something I couldn’t get done for whatever reason, he showed up with a solution the very next day. I didn’t have to ask for it. He always surprised me. Eventually we started hanging out. At first it would be a couple hours, then a few hours, then we’d realize we’ve spent practically the whole day together. No outside entertainment either. We’d listen music, talk and just vibe. We’d create together; design logos, edit and illustrate art, draw together, paint together and bounce ideas off each other. We have this thing: I have the ideas and he has the skill. I normally have the concept but sometimes I don’t know how to properly express it, mainly because I don’t know how to edit it. But that’s no problem when we work together. It’s as if he grabs what I’m thinking straight from my head and onto canvas, art board or layer. It was the ultimate collaboration. The platonic energy eventually shifted. I didn’t know when it happened but the “how” was pretty obvious. He was everything I wanted in a man. There was a moment I realized he’d tick off every love language. It was all new to me. I didn’t even know how to rate each love language because I never really been loved like that. Until now. His acts of service showed out in the beginning. He genuinely offered his help in ways he could without me having to ask. He’s thoughtful. I received gifts from my friend from the very beginning. I remember one time I complained about not being able to find my favourite snack from three different stores and he found it the very next day. A “I wish I had chocolate cake” 9pm on a Saturday led to him happily ordering two oreo cupcakes, a cinnamon roll and “the best brownie on the planet” for me/us. We hung out every weekend that progressed into almost every day for hours at a time, uninterrupted. Our quality time was just that, pure quality. He complimented me, encouraged me, motivated me and inspired me, thrice during my low moments. He never allowed me a chance to talk down on myself ever. I loved that. His touch was always beautiful. It was small touches on my arms at first, to sensual touches, to full blown massages, to the way we showered together and him washing my hair way before we even had sex. Our first kiss was electric. Ever since we shared our feelings, he’d always touch me in one way or another. He kisses me every day before he leaves for work, when he’s back home, and 20x after just because he wants to. I feel like I’ve been with him for years but it’s been three months since we’ve started as friends, and one month since we shared our feelings. But I don’t need more time to know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him. As he loves me. We’re the same person in different bodies. It’s weird to know that I would have never found the love of my life if I didn’t move here, and that I wouldn’t have moved here if I didn’t have the altercation with my father. But everything happens when it’s suppose to. I removed toxicity from my life because I knew I deserved better. I know I deserved better. The universe saw that and blessed me 10 fold. I love it here and I love him.

[myanondiary]

To Michema.

There was no need to block my mother because from her end she thinks she did something when she didn’t. Expecting me to reach out to you after you disrespected is a far reach. I say this with no water in me mouth, you wouldn’t have heard from me again regarding this situation. We’ve known each other too long and we’ve grown far too much for the way you talked to me. I can’t see past it and for sure wouldn’t have hit you up about it especially since I asked if you needed a few days and you shut that down and cancelled this friendship before you slammed my door.

Though you sound sorrowful for disrespecting me, I don’t accept it for the same reasons above. Also, you can tell me things about people you’re close to that did shitty things to you and I’ve never fixed my mouth to disrespect them because at the end of the day, they are people you care about. So yes, I’m further hurt by  “in me hole” comment, telling me to tell him shub he apology up he ass, and the message you sent him (cause you did talk about me as well).

Correcting that you said “he did that cause he was in me hole” aint no better. We had sex two weeks after we shared feelings this month. Everything I told you he did for me happened before. I moved in Septemeber. 

The wine was from me, not him. He had nothing to do with the idea, he just gave me money for it. He wanted to ease my strain. Less about you and nothing to do with why y’all not talking anymore, more about me and the nice gesture I wnted to do for you. That doesn’t make it any less genuine. I didn’t even have to tell you he bought it but in my little way yes, I was softening you up to the idea of him. More on this down below.  I didn’t say it was a confession either, I said I have something nice to say about Domonic. 

Not sure why you’re asking yourself if I’m concerned with what he did like we didn’t talk about that situation umpteen of times.

Why wouldn’t me and Dominic be friends? He isn’t a stranger to me. Have we forgotten that we all chilled before? Reflect back to the first time I asked if you feel a way that he’s been helping me out alot. I recall me saying “I feel fraudy because he’s been such a good friend to me.” That’s when you said I shouldn’t feel away cause yes he’s a big help. 

Side note, I’ve attempted to tell you on two different occasions you was by me since that time how a good friend he was to me and you quite literally shut it down as “he still fake”. Tried to get you to see that he has changed alot (you recalled that time during the discussion I had with you and him) but that wasn’t enough for you to change his mind on him.

You’ve called me at times when I said he was by him. Oh let’s recall the moment I told you I was by him smoking and you came off the phone after saying you needed time from me.  I told you we did inktober together where I went by him every night to do some drawings. I told you he took out my smoke alarm, he put up my art boxes, he printed my shirt for the event and the obvious of me using his microwave to heat up food. I also told you he washed my clothes the second time I was cramping from period and just didn’t have it in me to go by Torian. I even told you about the time he was sad and I told you that I told him he can talk to me about it but he was still pretty vague in what troubled him.  Soooo nothing about this screams friends? I gone just use the man and keep it at bay?

I said he don’t come down here and at that time it was true. He came down just to help me and left right after. The first time Domonic spent more than 10 minutes down here was the day after I found Jazzi. First time. 

I refer to him as me neighbour to literally everybody else but you. Jacynthia and Chantal was here literally this week and they ask who playing music? Me: Me neighbour. When I couldn’t go by Torian to wash my clothes the second time I told her I’ll get it done by my neighbour. Yanny and Glassil were the ones who heard “my neighbour” the most cause they usually wanted to see me when I was by him doing art things. All when I asked Ajayi for advice he was still my neighbour. It was much easier saying that to them because they don’t know him and calling his name didn’t make any sense. Between me and you, he was Domonic, so I don’t know where you getting that “he was just me neighbour” from.

You’re asking me how you’re supposed to react to all that information dropping on you as if I withheld information that was severely damaging to your reputation. I came to you with good news about me. Somewhere between our discussion, you said “ofcourse I want you to be happy” but none of this screams that. 

I’m the friend you come to for voice of reason, for unbiased opinions, logical explanations. How in this very moment when it comes to me it’s “I’m not grasping it” but every other time I was on point with what I had to tell you regarding your situations? I’ve thought about it from a different angle - what if it was me. That was an easy thought because it did happen. You told me about Josh after you guys developed a friendship and became lovers that talked and video called every day. I remember asking you how this even happen? Where he even come from? I didn’t even know you guys were friends. As much as I was shocked at you (not hurt, just happily surprised) and him being a random as hell pairing and me hearing the time I did, I was HAPPY for you. The only thing different between that situation and this one is that you hated Domonic for what he did. Your opinion about him was already skewed so even if I had told you earlier, your “I don’t support it” comment would’ve come out just the same - and I knew this. And for that reason, I wanted to protect my feelings without any negative opinions. The descriptive word to use here is *selfish* not fake, not shady, but selfish, something I always preach you should be. I put my feelings first and wanted to keep it there. And mind you, it’s not like I didn’t want to tell you. From the moment we shared feelings that’s all I wanted to do. But every time I thought about it, I got anxious because I really didn’t see you giving me a good reaction from it. Forget the “you would’ve warmed up to it” I wanted your initial reaction to be a happy one and that wouldn’t have happened so I procrastinated it. That feeling was fed by every time I tried to tell you he’s changed, the time you needed a break from me right after I told you I was by him smoking (I know in your explanation you said it was because of me abusing weed but me and my overthinking suspected it was because I was close to him), to when you left my place 12 in the morning because I was up by him a little too long tending to Jazzi. I thought if I sat down and explain how great he has been to me, you wouldn’t have any choice but to be happy for me.

My mother’s first introduction to Domonic was when she came to drop me hospital and he was here. Many times my mom popped up and I’m by him and I didn’t tell her anything- just told her I was out. She quite literally didn’t hear about him besides being the person I wash my clothes by and heat up my food. When I got a little better from being sick, she started to ask questions as expected. I shut it down with “I’m not ready to talk about it” twice before I came out and said I like him. She’s been SOO happy for me since. I told her the same week I told you. Akaii is my closest friend and don’t even know a “neighbour” exists yet. I took a picture of braids to show Jacynthia, she noticed him in the back and started asking questions. Only told her he’s my neighbour but she said she can hear the sparkle in my voice. She said while smiling “let it marinate, tell me when you ready”. This was Monday. Ajayi only heard more about him because you asking him for advice led him to come by me to check on me. According to him, he’s living vicariously through me. He’s also happy for me cause he for one knows how long I’ve been looking for someone, so to hear I found someone who is just like me had him so googly eyed. (Side note, much of what I told him, he told me he told you the same - so.)

I say this to say that you’re not the only one “left in the dark”. This is the first time I wasn’t so quick to talk about what’s happening while it’s happening and it has been the best thing ever. My feelings were mine without outside influence, I enjoyed the moments for what they were without expecting to update anyone about it. I talked about my feelings to the person I had feelings for and no one else. It felt like the most adult thing I’ve ever done and I say this to say, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. If I had a chance to tell you earlier and the situation between you and him was still there, I wouldn’t have. If he was a stranger to both you and me when I moved in then for sure, you may have known much sooner. But for now, I feel like telling you earlier would’ve changed a whole lot with how things happened between him so I don’t regret doing that and I don’t apologize for it. What I’m sorry for is how hurt I made you feel about this situation because it’s never my intent to do so. You said somewhere in the voice note that you don’t know where this leaves us and girl - it’s up to you. I’ve been a damn good friend to you, never disrespected you, always gave you the best of me. If this one situation is enough for you to stain me as “fake” like I haven’t been there for you this whole friendship then so be it. I won’t be fighting for it. 

[myanondiary]

The Elephant - October 24th 2020

We slept together on this date. After spending an afternoon, a night, and most of the morning together, we slept together. This was by accident because we just couldn’t find the keys to my apartment. After a long search, I decided to hang it up. He has a bed I can rest my head until later.

It took me a while to fall asleep but he was knocked out cold while he cuddled me. How did we reach here? I wasn’t panicking about it either. Just reflecting on how the last few weeks has been with him and most likely overthinking everything but not too worried about it. It was the forehead kisses in between his sleep for me.

The morning after he happily made me breakfast. It was the most fulfilling breakfast I’ve ever had. Eggs, pancakes, sausages and french toast. I didn’t ask for all of this, let alone for him to feed me, but the night before he whispered to me and said “let me know when you’re hungry”..that’s it. Watching him make breakfast was so satisfying.

So now the elephant in the room has grown.

It’s the next day and my emotions are still high. I know we just spent practically a whole day together, but I still wanted to hang with him some more. During one of our conversations, he said something that made me thought about giving him a manicure. I got my all my supplies, went to his apartment and did.  Besides sleeping together, this was the most intimate thing we’ve done. Mind you, we haven’t kissed nor have sex at this point. 

Later on in the night, we watched Big Mouth (October 26th 202). It wasn’t an art day for us but I felt like drawing. The idea to draw myself as one of the characters while watching the show came to me. The idea to draw him as one of the characters came to me after. Just like that, we have a drawn couple’s portrait way before an elephant was even addressed. This said alot because I only draw guys I like but this time, it wasn’t as performative like the times I did before. This time it was random and done naturally. 

[myanondiary]

Art Day! October 17th, 2020

It’s another art day at my neighbour’s apartment! He’s been such a compliment machine to me over the past few weeks. Always complimenting my work, me as a business person, shutting down any negative thing I had to say about me and my talent. It was a lot for me to receive especially as often as he did it, but I knew it was coming from a genuine place. This is just part reason why I suprised him with his favourite cake.

Since we’ve been able to create together already, I thought I’d ask him if he’ll be okay with continuing that. I had so many ideas I wanted to paint, but I don’t have the skills to edit them before painting them. He agreed! He told me how he always wanted to edit surreal (dream like) designs, so I knew him editing my surrealistic ideas would make this the ultimate collaboration. We both win.

The first time we did that was honestly the best Saturday I’ve had with him and probably the best day I had in a while. We smoked and allowed our high selves to develop a creative energy that was so strong you could feel it! It was his suggestion to smoke before doing something creative and I honestly wished I listened sooner. It’s like I opened a side of my brain that was dormant for a very long time. It was refreshing.

I took some selfies first, we chose our favourite then we got to work. Here we are, similar ASUS laptops in hand while we sit on the couch doing our parts. (Side note, ASUS is such an uncommon brand, why do we have the same laptop?) On my laptop was the reference images that inspired me and on his  laptop was his photoshop work screen. Here I am again, impressed with his skill. We bounced our ideas off each other again and successfully collaborated on a creative piece. I never felt more sexually attracted to him until that point. I really just wanted to grab and kiss him, I kept thinking how the sex would be but I keep snapping myself back to reality. I can’t fuck my neighbour. That would change the dynamic of everything. 

Anywayyy, our creativity didn’t stop there. While he was editing for me, I got the idea to edit for him. I found a picture of him I liked and got to work. I edited three designs then and there while he cooked for us (he offered). I’ve never done anything so smoothly and so quickly, let alone 3x back to back. He loved them! But ofcourse I felt like though my ideas were great, my skill level wasn’t (even though he helped me along the way). He ended up editing our favourite design on his own and nailed it (with tips from me!) This was the birth of “I got the ideas, you got the skills” motto we have between us. It’s like the perfect collaboration.

Our day started in the afternoon. Now it’s bout 9pm and we’re still enjoying this creative high. I said out loud that I’d love a chocolate cake, because I can always do with a chocolate cake lol, and he asked “who on 869togo has chocolate cake?”..what? I-

He ended up ordering two $6 oreo cupcakes, a cinnamon bun and THE. BEST. BROWNIE. ON. THE. PLANET. according to their menu. It was really nice of him to do that and I made sure to thank him but I’m sure my excitement said all of that already.

[myanondiary]

Is this feelings? - November 11, 2020

On our next chill day, I asked about it. Why was he down? and why wasn’t he so open to talking to me about it? I wanted to assure him that I’m here and I’m always here to listen. I remember distinctively saying “I believe we’re ...friends..so you can talk to me.” I hesitated when I said “friends” because by this time the vibe had changed. For one, we were having this conversation while my head was in his lap (why were we so close?) for some time, he started touching me a bit more sensually. It could have been the way he grabbed my shoulder, my waist, my toes when I got comfortable enough to rest them in his lap. This may have been the same night he gave me a foot massage as well and I was shook. (He’s so good)

We were friends, we’ve been friends, but something changed. I think I liked it. I knew I liked it. but I didn’t want to address it.

Let’s peddle back now. When I said “friends” he said “I would like to be more..” I paused. I started blushing. I forgot what I was saying but in old Sasha fashion I pretended not to hear it and continued the conversation because what?! 

Now there’s a small elephant in the room.

I can’t recall if it was the same night, or another, but while we were high we did “address it”. I asked him.. “you like me, right?” He gave me such a “duhh” face but it was really an innocent question. He said a lot but in summary, he said he liked me for a long time now. I didn’t talk about my feelings but I do remember saying we’ll never bring up this conversation again, with a smile of course.

Anxiety was getting the best of me even while high so imagine myself sober. I started thinking about him more, wanting to be in his space more and I kept questioning it. This wasn’t sudden by the way, but over the past few weeks these emotions heightened unknowingly to me. I know it sounds weird but it’s true. 

On one of our next chill nights, he casually mentioned how he loved the strawberry cream cheese pie KFC used to sell. The next day I searched baker pages for something similar to no avail. Something told me Rams would have strawberry cheescake and...they did. It was in that moment I realized I hunted a cake to surprise him with. It got scary, fast. I clearly liked him if I went through these lengths, but I wasn’t ready to admit that to myself. It took me two trips before I actually bought it but by the second time, I was okay with knowing I liked him. I just knew I had to tell him eventually.

I gave him the cake on our next art day and his face was priceless.

[myanondiary]

Life after moving out.... November 10th 2020

I planned to move out but I didn’t plan for the way it happened. I certainly didn’t plan to live off of a loan for the first few weeks in my first apartment, but here we are almost three months later. It was rough settling into a new place in the midst of a traumatic event that changed my life forever, but I’m thankful that my friends genuinely helped me with this sudden transition by showing up in ways they knew how; from providing a space for me to sleep, to helping me move, to helping me unpack and being fun distractions during this very difficult time. I appreciate them all.

Moving into apartment is one thing, but moving into a semi furnished apartment with little to no money is another. If my upstairs neighbour wasn’t my upstairs neighbour, I’m not sure if my “post transition” would’ve been as pleasant as he was able to make it. It was the “minor” things at first.. being able to heat up my food because I have no microwave, to thieving internet because his connection just isn't that strong from my apartment, to basically having indoor parties from our own spaces with “money pull ups” via whatsapp because his playlist was just so good! lol

His genuine help continued. I’m pretty sure my neighbours thought I couldn’t cook because my smoke alarm kept going off but soon enough, he was able to take out the batteries for me. I spoke about not wanting to bore holes in the walls to hang my paintings one day and the other day, he came with stick on hooks to hang them for me (no damage to the walls necessary.) The heavy ass work containers on my closet that I struggled with? He put them up with ease. I needed plexi glass to make a light box to trace over some drawings for work - he happily came home with a piece for me. I needed to print a shirt for my first pop up event and though I couldn’t afford a shirt, he offered to buy one. I asked for the price to print my logo onto it and he said it was okay, pay him for next one. (thank the universe cause I was brokeee lol but I would’ve happily paid for his service still.) Even when my closet door fell completely off the hook, he came through like the handy man he has been to fix it for me. 

When I was decluttering my apartment, I found some test prints that I traded with him as a thank you for his help so far. It wasn’t much, but he seemed to appreciate them much more than I expected him to.

Eventually we started hanging out. I was mentally drained, so I was open to smoking that pain away even for a little while. He showed me how to smoke, so I experienced my first high and that was it for me. Every bit of anxiety, fear, tight chest and potential tears from this traumatic event just whisked away. Instead, I felt light and cheery and was in good company with my neighbour. We would smoke, listen music, laugh and chat for what seemed like two hours, but really a whole night and even half of the next morning would pass before we realize how long we’ve just been existing in each other’s space. His company was so appreciated, that I looked forward to weekends just to chill in his apartment. Just to forget. Just to enjoy. Just to relax.  No funny business.

PS: Just to eat too. This guy can cook and he was always open to sharing.

It took some weeks but eventually, the vibe got a little more...intimate.

For some time I was looking for my favourite snack from three stores and no one had it. I was sick! I told him about it and he managed to find it for me... he surprised me with it at on one our chill days and that meant so much to me.

We started drawing together for Inktober. This was sooo fun. I finally found the art friend I’ve been begging for! lol and it was so easy too. We bounced ideas off of each other, we helped each other with our sketches, we drew, we critiqued and repeated. I was so excited to finish something and being able to take pictures to post the next day. Having someone to do these “art things” with was really...nice. He shocked me too. I knew he could draw, but his imagination is so wild for someone who didn’t need any reference pictures. I was constantly impressed. The last few weeks he kept showing me that there’s really more than meets the eye when it comes to him.

That feeling of being impressed followed through when I saw a logo competition being advertised. It didn’t take me long to sketch a concept but I knew illustrating would take me forever and I only had 24 hours. My neighbour is a graphic designer, the winnings is $1000, I thought why not propose the idea? We’ve worked like this before where I drew the idea and he edited it, so this wouldn’t be new for us. He agreed and managed to illustrate my drawing in like 10 minutes I swear. We discussed $700 for me, $300 for him, but we jokingly changed those numbers just to mess with each other for weeks lol but him being able to illustrate and me being able to take that and package the logo afterwards with the written statement, different formats etc.. I mean wow. We worked well together.

There was a week my neighbour wasn’t his best self and I felt it the moment I stepped inside his apartment to heat up my food. I didn’t want to push it because I could’ve been overthinking it, so I ate, left and decided to ask him in the morning. He said he wasn’t feeling okay but didn’t say much about why either. A day passed and we didn’t communicate as we normally do and I actually missed him. I missed my neighbour. He showed himself the day after with breakfast pancakes and he later on explained that though he wasn’t in a “people” mood, he thought of me while baking which I thought was pretty nice.

That week was still really off not just for my neighbour but for me too. The traumatic event kept replaying in my head and feeling like my mother didn’t defend me enough in the moment and afterwards got stronger. I didn’t feel like talking to her or much people for that matter but I was still open to being a shoulder for my neighbour.

To be continued.

[myanondiary]

All I feel is rage - All I feel is sadness - 19 October 2020

I just got a panic attack.

One of the characters in this trailer I was watching got slapped by her sister. Memories of my father rushing towards me to slap me at 6ish am on Thursday started to fade but that image triggered and brought back everything back to me as clear as day. I hate it. I’ve been feeling like crying for some days now and that’s what sent me over the edge...

I can’t believe I’m a domestic abuse victim now. My father, own flesh and blood, the one who should care for me, love me, never do me no harm did the opposite of everything a parent should do to their child. I mean, no decent human being should ever beat up on a woman, a young adult, let alone their own daughter.

Why does this man hate me so much? I’ve endured years of his verbal abuse. How have I always been such a nuisance? and how have I survived with a broken heart for so long?

I’m really tired. Tired of being strong. Tired of trying to be positive. Trying to look at the bright side of things. Tired of avoiding the issues at hand. Tired. Tired. Tired.

[myanondiary]

too relatable :’(