myaudienceofone - Tumblr blog

[myaudienceofone]

Salvation cries are loud to me

Where’s the soulful resolution

Where we can see clearly?

[myaudienceofone]

Angels have free will too

They’re not God’s ‘yes’ people

[myaudienceofone]

Happy birthday

My motivation to live a happy life

[myaudienceofone]

Yet, you’re still searching.

Wandering around, for goodness’ sake.

[myaudienceofone]

You said this time feels different because you know I’m not coming back ❤️‍🔥

[myaudienceofone]

[myaudienceofone]

You were never meant to stay. You pulled me into this. The water is deep and I can’t swim. This love is happening.

[myaudienceofone]

Not a day passes when I don’t wow at the fact that you’re gone forever

[myaudienceofone]

I don’t need anyone to tell me what love looks like

[myaudienceofone]

I’ve made up my mind

I’m going to church on Sunday to sing a song that’ll hurt somebody’s feelings

- Lyfe

[myaudienceofone]

Yesterday is gone

Tomorrow is on the way

[myaudienceofone]

30th January 2021

30 on the 30th

Allah we never wanted this thing to end

Eyes firey

Hold her, guide her, bless her, hear her 💛💛💛

[myaudienceofone]

If he doesn’t comprehend, at least he can pretend

[myaudienceofone]

I don’t remember writing this but it’s interesting to realise that losing one best friend many years ago didn’t feel at all familiar to losing another best friend more recently. I didn’t get that ‘I’ve been here before‘ feeling

Losing one of my best friends - what it feels like 5 years later

One my best friends passed away 5 years ago and I still don’t believe it. To me, she is still alive and we just haven’t been keeping in touch. 

And I feel so guilty. For so many reasons. I feel horrible and guilty every time she crosses my mind and I’m unsure why. So much so that I quickly try and erase the thoughts of her from my mind. And that makes me feel even worse. Maybe because I feel I could have loved her more or been there for her more? Perhaps I could have been a better friend - giving her everything she deserved from me?

And I feel like I didn’t do that. I feel like our banter, Skype conversations, phone calls, DMs and text messages were frivolous, empty discourse and I think to myself … is it fair for me to reduce our friendship to that? Perhaps it DID mean something? Perhaps I WAS a good friend? I don’t know. 

It has been 5 years and I’m replaying our friendship in my mind and I’m still finding so many loopholes. So many things I could have done better to enhance her experience every time she and I interacted. Only the people in a relationship really know the dynamics of that relationship and I have no one but her to verify all these questions. At this point, as I type, I feel selfish because now I’m making this all about me. 

So now my train of thought diverts and I think about if she’s happy, safe and at peace. I am now consciously trying to make this about her and not all about me. 

I don’t know sometimes. I have a lot of questions and I sweep them under the rug because, like I say, only the people in a  relationship really know the dynamics of that relationship and for everyone looking in, although you may have an opinion, you really don’t know. 

I also feel like I should be thinking about her more often … but I don’t because I’ve become accustomed to not wanting to. Perhaps it’s time to really let go. I feel like I did let go…subconsciously but I can’t account for it because I don’t remember when it happened…

[myaudienceofone]

Everyday I wake up hoping it’s the morning I wake up from this nightmare.

Your departure shifted my spirit … for the better … which is sick twisted and bizarre but it’s true.

Not to say that was the purpose for this. It’s just one of the outcomes…

[myaudienceofone]

It’s so simple

The way you tell your riddles

We fight, we’re so pitiful

You did this to me

Why’d you go?

[myaudienceofone]

Life to the lifeless

Christ to the Christless