mycahsays

[mycahsays]

My heaven is where you are.

I guess one of the reasons why I still have a lot of pain in my heart is because I never got to talk about you through a eulogy. Probably because we never really got to send you off properly. Probably cause I never saw it coming –- cause if I did, I would take back all the times I wished I time would go by faster. If only I knew that the now would be so hard and this painful, I would have wanted time to stand still.

But I hope we’re doing you proud from up there.

Because I never got the chance to honor your life through a proper send-off speech, I wanna do that now.

Everyone I know knows you. Everyone’s first person to ask about would always be you, and to be honest, it’s been really hard to answer that lately.

I love you. I hope you know and felt that during your lifetime. I hope you know that you were very loved, very valued, and very revered. You still are. You’re the epitome of class, beauty, and strength. I know this family would be different had it been raised by a different person.

You used your strength to teach us how to be strong; may it be through your tough love, your words, and the lessons you wanted to impart with them. I may not have seemed to take them well during the time, but now that I’m older, that strength is all I’m holding on to.

I realized that you taught me how to be strong so I would know how to live life when you’re no longer there to teach me. How to be strong without you.

But then what is life after you? Barely a life if you ask me. I know you’re seeing how I struggle to keep it together sometimes.

There would be days that I’d walk to the bathroom, lock myself up in a dark stall, and just bawl my eyes out. Trying my best to snap out of it and walk back into work like nothing happened.

I don’t want them to think I’m weak, because I didn’t want to discount all the times you helped me recover from bad falls.

And to be honest, I would do anything to be helped back up by you again.

I walk out of the bathroom stall, look in the mirror, and see your eyes staring right at me. I’m grateful you gave us all your eyes so you still get to see the world from our points of view, even when you’re long gone.

You also gave these eyes to Francesa, and we will never tire of telling her stories about you. Seeing your face in this little child brings me so much joy, knowing you’ve made a way to still live life after yours.

I message you every time I can on your old number, in hopes that one day you’ll text me back, or call me to ask if I’m having dinner at home. Calling me to ask me when I’ll come home… but right now, I’m the one who wants to ask… when are you coming home ma?

Or are you home? I feel like you are. I know you are. You must be.

When asked which place I’d choose to have as my heaven, my answer would always be wherever you are. That would be my heaven.

Thank you for raising me to be the way I am, for pushing me to be the best, and to never settle for less. I hope you’re watching me from up there, proud of what I’ve become. I’ll continue to do so.

Please feel free to visit my dreams anytime you want, to send me signs, to still guide me through your subtle hints.

I love you. Every day is a day closer, and I can’t wait. I’ll see you in my dreams.

[mycahsays]

TO MY FIRST LOVE,

Hey, it’s been a while, huh?

Well, life update: a lot has changed.

Been a good 3 years since we last saw each other, but trust me, I talk about you a lot. I also try to keep myself as updated as I can. I never stopped caring about you.

I still come across people who still associate me with you.

You have made such an impact in my life, I mean you were my first, after all. I can’t discount all the lessons and growth I got from our time together, all those long days, and even longer nights spent together in a place I used to call home.

All the friends and connections we share, all the great people – who are still my friends, btw – all the moments, the tears, intense emotions… all of it. I grew with you, but at a point I really thought I had to move on.

Let me just talk about that. I don’t think I was ever really clear on why I left.

First off: I’m not sorry I did. I think we both needed that.

I loved you to the core, and for a while, I honestly did see myself being with you until my last breath.

You were truly something else.

But somewhere along the way, life took a hard turn, and I had no choice but to let it all go. I had to leave, it was for the best.

You made me realise a lot of things about myself, and about life. You taught me most of what I know now, and for that I’m forever grateful.

I work as a full-time copywriter now. I do what I love now – though I must be honest, I was lost for a long time before I found myself. When I left, trust me, I feel like it broke me more than it broke you.

I was all over the place, I felt I lost my identity. I felt like I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted to be, where I was going.

I was too at home, too comfortable, that all I knew was who I was when I was with you, but with you gone, I had to rebuild all the parts of me that I left with you.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved you. I sometimes think, maybe I still do. I don’t think it will ever change, my attraction to you. YOU WERE MY FIRST.

But as time went by, I learned to embrace my new person. My new identity without you.

The me you speak to now could be very different from who you knew me from before.

I stand on my own two feet now, less anger management issues – though I may or may not still be an alcoholic.

I do yoga now, I work out, I cook my own meals. I’ve been adulting my way through my 20s, and I honestly can’t thank you enough for teaching me all I know now that made all this possible.

Please know I don’t hate you, and never will. You will always be a part of my being.

My first love, my first job, Magic 89.9, true to your name, you really are Magic.

I hope to see you, soon.

[mycahsays]

Support your local bees <3

[mycahsays]

In the Twilight hours,

I see you.

And there you were Sitting in the glow of blue light From a black mirror that reflects your silhouette In a world that you call your own In a world whereby a different name, you’re known. I see you

And there you were

In visions as I lay resting At unearthly hours of the night Making an appearance in my dreams as I sleep tight

And there I was.

Under the blankets, In the glimmer of pale yellow light Seeing you

Through a portal of a screen Transporting me to your side.

[mycahsays]

Let me

Lift your scales Pick your wounds Kiss your scars

Tell you tales – – Of how soon is never too soon,

And how gone is too for gone, For the boy who never got back from the moon. He could have, only if he let me.

[mycahsays]

Odes to the dancing smoke on a cloudless night – stars shining, moon waning; hearts breaking and mending; time passing by only to stop for the breaths you take in, so you could blow out pillows of smoke, dancing in the sky, lulling you to slumber. 🌬

[mycahsays]

I hate you for leading me on but I hate me more for feeling like you were going to be capable of going out of your way to try things out with me. I hate me for thinking I was even worthy, or good enough to deserve that.

I hate you for fucking me over but I hate me for allowing that to happen.

I never should have gotten myself too involved with this ‘almost’ that we both done well know will never be.

[mycahsays]

[mycahsays]

[mycahsays]

[mycahsays]

Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time.

[mycahsays]

A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If this person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make them leave.

[mycahsays]

I wanted to find you but I lost you instead

I lost you to the sound of the steps together that we didn’t take,

The heart you didn’t know you’d break,

Those eyes, and the last glimpse, all the memories that we didn’t even get to make.

I lost you to the “I don’t know”s

the “not now”s,

All the somedays and somehows.

I wanted you so bad, and I wish you knew that.

Here’s to let you know, this is me saying it’s okay.

You’re that one wish I wish I didn’t make.

[mycahsays]

[mycahsays]

Frank Bidart, “To the Dead”, Half-Light: Collected Poems, 1965-2016

[Text ID: “The love I’ve known is the love of two people staring

not at each other, but in the same direction.”]

[mycahsays]

You know what? It’s really like that sometimes.

[mycahsays]

I don’t know how to start

But from where I’m at and from what I see,

I don’t feel like I should even be speaking at all…

I don’t wanna talk about your quick wit,

And the way you just know all that you do;

I don’t wanna speak of your attitude,

Your naturally amusing personality;

I don’t want to go on about your sense of humor,

The smart (and sometimes very dumb) jokes you make, that just crack me up;

I don’t want to describe that chiseled jaw, and those great eyes…

The great physique that goes with your one of a kind mind;

Most importantly though,

I don’t wanna admit that this has actually gotten out of hand, from where I’m at.

I don’t want you to know,

But I think you already do,

And from where I’m at, I’m really just waiting for you.