mydailylifewithbpd

[mydailylifewithbpd]

I got an outfit idea in my head for tomorrow but dysphoria is kinda kicking my butt

[mydailylifewithbpd]

Today has been a hard day at work, I’ve been working with a poor team in very busy situation and some very challenging situations

[mydailylifewithbpd]

My body is stimming more and more and I hate it, I wish I could control it not been bad in years

[mydailylifewithbpd]

Just had a panic attack great- I though we where missing a carrier bag and I though she was gonna use it to try and hurt herself again and I tore apart the bag to make sure it wasn’t missing, I was so scard, I can’t keep doing this.

[mydailylifewithbpd]

I hate my body sometimes, it just looks yucky and makes me so unhappy

[mydailylifewithbpd]

Last night was the first time since I got out of hospital nearly 5 years ago that someone has heard me have a properly convosation with them, what I think means I must of really trusted them but also they didn’t really care and that was nice too

[mydailylifewithbpd]

Tonight is hard, a friend went to hospital yesterday and with no real improvement from them I fucking stereotyped them the day and was thinking it was all down to stressful situations and turns out I completely got the wrong end of the stick and they was also something physical going on too, needing quite a lot of testing, they asked for my advice before taking them back to hospital and mine was to get them to eat,drink and get some fresh and also consider 111 if they felt like it was needed and really didn’t feel right, I’m glad they didn’t listen to me and made the call they got to hospital and able to get the tests needed, I feel like such a shit person, a friend, a person I care about is not well and In hospital and I got it wrong! I work in the medical field! I have done for 10 years! I should of fucking noticed! I should of known better! But also what is breaking my heart more is that I can’t be there, P and F are both with them and honestly don’t think they would let a 4th in, I keep asking if they want to swap for 2 reasons one they both not doing great there self and need rest but also I want to be there for my friend soo badly and it breaking my heart so much I can’t be there, I can’t stop thinking about them, and just keep having crying episodes, I just want to be able to help and I don’t know how to do that from afar, if I was close I know how to help a friend but from a far with no proper way of contacting them it kills

[mydailylifewithbpd]

I have hallucinations since I was about 14 years old and they are very strange things to experience and impossible to explain to someone unless they have gone through it them self

[mydailylifewithbpd]

They are playing with each other and running about and it’s really funny to watch and keep laughing and forgetting others can’t see either it’s hard

[mydailylifewithbpd]

First time in awhile I have kept a food diary but I’m really not eating enough, I know I need to eat more but it’s harder than it imseems

[mydailylifewithbpd]

I though tonight was gonna be the night I was gonna be able to tell someone how I have actually been doing and well sadly didn’t fully work out but he’s not well so I can’t blame him for it at all I told him no I promised him I would only open up to him tonight if he was okey in himself and he’s not and he was open and honest and told me and that means the world to me that he was able to do that

[mydailylifewithbpd]

I’m just really scard

[mydailylifewithbpd]

I feel so selfish I just had to take a diazepam to try and control everything going on, I want to help the ones around me soo much right nows but I can’t I’m so helpless I just want to help them, please please someone help I don’t know how to make things better for them

[mydailylifewithbpd]

I want to help her, but I can’t, I onestly don’t know what to do anymore to help, I feel like i just make it worse for her every time I feel like such a shit friend I want to help her, I want to help her nows, but I’m at such a lost now what to do, please I don’t know how to help her but I want to so bad and that’s killing me

[mydailylifewithbpd]

The voices are back, they never full went, I’ve spoken to them on and off for awhile, but for the last week they have been full on and non stop, they aren’t distressing in anyway shape or form but do make me nerves. I’ve not eaten any real food in the last 48 hours ish maybe a little longer, I’ve had like small amount of sweeties here and there and juice to keep me going. It’s been a long time but over the last couple months I’ve felt myself fall into some old habits with food and not sure if it’s a stim thing or what. Over the last 5 nights I’ve had some of the worst nightmares I’ve had a long time, starshing around the bed and wakening up screaming and crying. I’m having blank episodes more I’m noticing to more worse later in the evening, I have become soo over sensitive I’ve struggled to do some very basic tasks and gone into a melt down, probably why I haven’t eaten anything to much choice and too sensitive and can’t make those choices right nows, I’m just a big ball off a mess right nows,Sorry to anyone reading this I am not writting this for anyone to see I just feel I need to get this out my system and speak

[mydailylifewithbpd]

The 3 people in my life that I love the most and care soo much about keep asking if I’m okey and I keep putting up a front as I know one mental health is very poor right now and if I be open that may make them worse, the other person both mental and physical health is very poor right now and unfare to put it onto them, the other has soo much uni work on and also supports one of the other people above as well way more than I am able to do as I am not with them as much sadly, but every time they ask I need to lie, I need to say I’m fine, I need to say I’m okey, or even just tell them the snip bit of yeah I’m off with a headache and that’s all, I know they would all want to know but it’s not fair to put that on any of them right nows and don’t want to overload anyone with me, but also deep down I just want to be vulnerable and held, have a shoulder to cry into, but for now that’s not possible so I will keep my head down, and I will keep saying I’m okey and I will be there for the ones I love and care about the most

[mydailylifewithbpd]

Relationships I always find a way to fuck them up! I always find a way to screw them over and break things up but that hasn’t happened yet and that scares the shit out of me!