mydreamons

[mydreamons]

the New phase the ON

we know the dreams : family, calm, quiet but a life with full of possibilities/impulses as well (seems like I need impulses, and I accepted this part)

We know the deamons: attachment to the wrong person. Get scattered through the busyness..

Here comes the ON:

With calm steady steps the life that I crave can be carved out.

I can Hold myself and reassuringly put my arms on my shoulder As a good father would.

I want to enjoy these steps. So thats the Way. Slow and steady but lightweight. Enjoying the process.

[mydreamons]

Life 2.0

Well I asked for help. I choose to let go of my wife. I had a motorcycle crash, which made me reassured that it was the right decision.

Now. What I must be aware of: is to be as gentle w myself as I can. The rest will fall into place.

Today was hard. But I'm through. Its only gonna get better now. I miss Hugó.

Tomorrow I Will meet New ppl . I'm a bit anxious about it, but I think its gonna be aaaalll right.

[mydreamons]

Alone

I feel alone. Sometimes. Sometimes I ám content, calm and able to have a clean connecting phase with Hugó, myself and the world.

I need to keep track of this from a external point of view. This kind of works now. To realise when it is hard on me and when it is allright.

Today I felt like it could be allright. I feel like I'm Okay with my life. Hugó is 2year and 2months old. I love him. He fulfills me in a Way that is unique tó hím. And my wife drags me down ín a Way that is unique tó her..

I dont like this part. It makes me feel like I'm wrong.

I think its just a lot. We carry a lot. Our relationship carries a lot.

And I hate it. I suffocate in it. She does too.

anytime I feel that some external shit gets stressfull or heavy I react with giving less fuck about the stuff. And it works its a good method. It does nőt worth it anymore for me..

However this relationship stuff is complicated. But I think we should let each other free.

My problem with this is complicated tó an extent that reminds me that rn I dont have a pszichológus.

The couple therapy became counterpeoductive. And my pscychologist just have some health/family condotion that leaves meg without external help from a professional.

However I do feel a lot more capable. Nontheless I need help.

But let's take this very central emotion-knot apart As much As I can:

The biggest trigger for me : If someone denies the rightful attention from me.

Background:

divided attention towards me - twin stuff

The other hard part is that I would reaaaallly want to be with someone. I dont like tó be alone. It hard for me to do it.

Background: Always? available attention from my brother - twin stuff

But now I'm alone. .. it hurts. Beacuse I want to belong tó my wife. But I ám refused/denied.

So what should I do.

Step 1: do not lét the feeling spiral out (of lonelyness / burden of the idea tó be alone )

Step 2: recognise that IT happened. Its past. Now we need to turn. Turn towards tomorrow. What do I do with this abandonment feeling.

Deattaching myself from the dependence ön her could help, but I still feel I deserved attention. But nontheless She did nőt give IT tó me só makes no sense of wanting it. Im a left alone person.

Someone who is free ín a sense.

This feeling is something positive, that we can take off on.

But I know she Will be back and I may want to hét close tó her again, but! It does nőt mean that I have to. I dont have to.

I can keep my freedom. With Hugó. With Mázli. With my work.

So the plan: fulfill my life with the given constraints with letting her go As a constraint.

But it is not sustainable for me since I dont like tó be alone.

A solution would involve something like: having still some close connections.

These could be anyone. Familymembers etc.. anyone I choose.

Best would be if I could be alone on my own. But ín the end I dont like that I do not long for such thing..

notice: regardless I can ask for help with these things. And thats what I Will do.

Being with Hugó, being with the chosen close-ones. Something like that. Well we Will see.

Im tired. I go try to sleep. I do have dreams!! I do have kind thoughs .when I meditate /relax. ✔️🖤 And I love this.

I will invite these kind calm thouths. And alsó lét Hugó sleep .. 😅

[mydreamons]

THE REAL DEAL

time passed by.

Family. Well I have it. I have a son. 23 days old now.

Lot changed.

1 - I went to teraphy. (4x it helped me not to feel guilty when I'm abused or hurt) + later on couple therapy.

2 - Got a dog (I tought it will be risky, too much take caring stuff, but it turned out this was what I was missing. So I guess kind of a therapy dog as well as a new fella in my life who comes along, which feels like I own the world. At least his world, which is responsibility aswell. )

3 - made a weekly routine including friends and excersie (swimming W friends + sauna and relax stuff )

4 - changed workplace (this one fits me a lot more, I actually like working. I made a friend too, and weekly football also on schedule)

5 - We moved* (me and my fiancé) from 50m² noise to commuting. (but HO helps)

6 - We got married

7 - aaaand at the finish of the year Hugó came to life. The doctors Say he made 2 knots on the 'bellystring' (the feeding tube thingy)🍀🍀. And I was just crying so hard that the picture burned in how the doc so proudly holds the stuff up in front of me, however I did not really reacted or anything. Everything happened so fast. And in a minute I was just sitting there with him on my arm trying not to make him dirty so I asked for a tissue I remember...

My wife was still a work in progress so I took my son to the window to check on her.

I wanted her so much to give some feedback, that she likes seeing us.

She did not. She almost vomited as they were putting back her insides. Ye.. Well reality hits you.

But I was releived when she was put on a rolley-bed. They just left me there. I was not sure whether I can escort her after surgery with my newborn son, but it turned out that we went to a room where we spent some hours.

She was out. Asked for painkillers and + blankets. Then the shaking stopped soon. She was nice, even let the baby try breastfeed. This was such a genuine gesture. I loved it. Good connection between them means less stress for me. Or as I imagined...

We got home a week went by: stuff was allright, as we say 'meghitt'. Best translation i think is intimate here.

After that shouting happened sometimes along the way. And somehow I got submissive again.

She sort of heals with by the close connection with Hugó, however it does not allow much space for me. Which I dont like so much since Hugó and the reaction he gives to me are something entirely New experience.

The biggest trip was where he just looked at me as I fed hím and we both were unsre about stuff and were there just letting this happen to us. And looked each Other in the eye (he with his big big iris which almost fills the eyelids completely, and me with my eyes. I dont remember if I had contact lenses or glasses on, but it is a sharp memory and blurry in the same time.)

We stopped going to couple therapy at the end of the pregnancy.

I however went back to a couple of occasions by myself to my therapist as part of the deal to balance these turbulent times .

We agreed that she will go back after 6 week. Or rather we will go back together...

I wish she would want to change. I am patient and these are temporary turbulent happenings. I know that we made progress together. So if I need to escort her on this path: I'm happy to help her.

She got sick now so I'm in charge again.

I want to be a stable pillar for my family, which they can rely on.

I dont really feel any demons on my neck, but I think it would do me good to finnaly talk with someone about my brother. But maybe It would be just luxury/unnecessary. Maybe I will have a friend to tell this. We will see.

I have a family now.

[mydreamons]

dictionary 03

-I have bad eating habbits.

-But, lets say it out loud: i CAN sustain myself.

(shit im so hungry)

“I should deicie. What to do with my life. Where next?” Family. I’m on stage 2. I wish i could rest better. I need to practice resting. Feeling the world from a stable point of view.

nothing about my brother. he fades away, mostly... in a way its still an empty hole, just a bit of my past.

I wish for clean air. Sun. And calm. That I hope wont hurt anyone. I hope, I wont hurt anyone with these needs.  I’m responsible. I can enjoy. I can feel, if needed, or stop it if not, It is a hard bargain thou.

[mydreamons]

három darabban

Keserédes jelennel töltöm az élet üres poharát Remélve, hogy az újból lehajtott korty után, már nem fáj semmi. Pókhálószerűen fonja körbe testemet a város koszos fénye Hátha látom önmagam, még ha nem is létezem. Szúr belül, darabkái csontvázamnak, mi okozza ezt, bár a test, mit bánt, nem több csupán légnemű izom, s a lüktetés ereimben gondolat, mely a tiszta őszinte fehér fényből indul, s az újabb dobbanás, már kitaszítja szívem kamráján, hogy megalázva a koszos lámpabúrák alól szököttet, mint kitaszított magáénak higgye.

Hajszálereimet, fogyni képtelen májamat, s örökkön koszos veséimet, tudattalanul minduntalanul vergődő tüdőmet és bódult, bódult agyamat megjárva, mint a kurva tér vissza, ki már csak a tisztítótűzre vár.

[mydreamons]

Feledni annyi

Feledni annyi, mint a jövőt gondozni bölcsen, teherrel... De feledni kell...

Nehogy szeresd, mi megszűnt létezni, mert helyet foglal szíved asztalánál, s csak foglal, foglal...                            De nem jön... S te is csak akkor veszed észre, hogy ím itt kéne lennie, mikor már mindenki zsibong körülötted, s te csak kapaszkodnál valamibe, hogy bírd:                                 a zajt,                            az embereket (a régieket, s az újakat is egyaránt)                                a füstöt,                         mert fülledt a terem bizony.                         Nem férünk már (igen én is ott vagyok)     S te ekkor, pont ekkor látod azt amit már soha - soha     soha - soha - soha - soha - soha - soha -        -       -                                                                                                    soha többé...

[mydreamons]

Get personal

I want to be heard. But listened. To lay on. Not to carry my own decision of being alive. Well I can carry. Just... You know sometimes exhausting. Winging. That is what it is for. To wing in to the common brain of humanity (coded in binary). Binary winging. Hey nice to meet you. I'm a binary winger. R u?

[mydreamons]

Decision of the passenger.

When you see the first person drop off from the ship, from the plane you realize that being on it is a decision. Not a simple fact, which you are only able to carry as a burden. But a choice that you stay. Stay for a while. Now for this later for some other reasons if it will come. Will it?

[mydreamons]

Joy

I can not imagine tomorrow with joy. But sorrow. Sorrow of self. Selfishness. That is my view. My metric. My own in mirror of others. When I can't stand it, shattered pieces cut in my bubbly life... There should be /content inside/. But it just pops out. And nothing left. No hopes. No dreams. Not even demons to fight against. Just the selfish fact that I exist.

[mydreamons]

It is not feedback

It is the fear that it could come from inside. That has a downside. A drowning black hole in the middle of the chest. Between the shoulders. It makes harder to breathe.

[mydreamons]

Loneness

To be alone is dark. Why am so alone? Why do I need others? Boredom? Nah. Just to know that I can effect on anyone, anything... Feedback So this is what it's all about. Should it come from inside? Should it come from outside?

[mydreamons]

Rounds n rounds.

Rounds sounds like a used thing. Thou I'm only arriving to the cliff. There I will se all. Fall. Hug the world on impact. Then half of me turns around. Climb. The other half rises. Looking at my eyes. Never has been like the view either from above or down here.

[mydreamons]

dictionary 02

- still can’t selfsustain

- still not deicided

- and no it is not a good kind of rest. I make it bad. 

- That’s why my deicision will go on hard work, wich will tear me apart, and it will not matter. It will not.

- What matters will suffer the most of it. And i dont want to hurt. I dont.

(I’m hungry *leaves to eat*)

[mydreamons]

dictionary 01

-I have bad eating habbits.

-Lets say it out loud: i can not sustain myself.

-I had stuff to do. I have done it. 

-Now its time to reconsider.

Reconsidering times are hard. (shit im so hungry)

I should deicie. What to do with my life. Where next? 

Should I go to stage 2? I wish i could rest. I actually have the opportunity to rest in a good unharmed way. So yes I feel like I should take it. 

nothing about my brother. he fades away. in a way i do not feel, i do not experience. its not an empty hole anyore, just a bit of my past. 

Yes thats a lie. but these reconsidering times should be mine, and only mine, even if it inclueds facing my past decisions again. Wish to disappear to a room filled with white blanket even if ist dark inside.

[mydreamons]

returning points 2

There are periods in my life when i feel nothing because loneliness is all I could feel. (Even if there is my loved one next to me.) I do miss my brother. So I have to do something... Anything.. I would have dig my soul into anything just to feel the flow. So no need to think or feel any significant. (which would be obviously some negative effect) But now i decide to choose at least something useful. So I work. But really these times (lonesome times) are hard. These times shapes my soul in a wrong way i suppose. I think about the younger version of me.. I’m trying to envision the feelings... well... anything .. related to my brother, Because, I feel alone and It would be nice to have somebody to talk to. Anytime. He could have been like that. I wish i could talk to him right now... i wish i can tell him that I m doing fine. Thou I m not. BUT i feel that i can enjoy life if i choose to. i have the opportunity. I have the one who makes me happy. I have things going on.. work, studies...  Sokmindenkiben visszaköszönsz. Az arcod ha hasonlít valakire, csak egy kicsit is. Bár már egyre kevésbé emlékszem. Alig.  Ha valaki kissé szerencsétlenebb, szintén rád emlékeztet. És hirtelen jóba akarok lenni az illetővel. Néha sikerül. Most viszont van egy srác. Kicsit kívülről látom azt amiben éltünk. Persze könnyen meglehet, hogy csak arrogáns vagy komorabb a jelleme. Neked is volt ilyen valamikor. Amikor még volt. Aztán kitudj lehet pont én öltem ki belőled azt a kis maradék érzést is. Nem feleltem meg. Semmilyen téren. És mégis. neked bárhogy jó volt hiszen ez adott volt. Ha csak belegondolok hogy mi mindent élhettél volna meg. hányféle életet. És hányban nem vagyok benne. De az már nem számít az már hiába fájna, Fogalmam sincs, hogy jobb lenne-e. Neked jobb most? 

[mydreamons]

4. Dance dance dance on the edge

Dream: To enjoy loving myself/others.

Deamons: Wont be able to love others/myself.