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I just got out of therapy and we didn’t schedule a following appointment. I’m beginning to believe that there are no right words to help me. I was honest today about a family relationship I’m struggling with and all I got was a “do you accept them for who they are” , I answered “no” and she said “do you accept who you are”, “I don’t know” I responded. “Maybe you should think about that”… “mm ya I should”… “did that help” .. “uh I guess so” i lied. I shoulda just told her not entirely no. I think this is something I can take away for when I start my own career. I want to be someone that all of my therapists are not. I want to be that person that makes everything click. I collect therapists like how people collect Pokémon. I’ve learned at least one thing from every one of them even if it’s not learning about myself like I initially wanted. It’s not that a therapist tells me something I don’t want to hear , it’s that they don’t tell me the things that I don’t want but should hear.

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Today is February 1st and this is what my life currently looks like:

I’m sitting on my couching, drinking homemade Nespresso with the vanilla creamer from Trader Joe’s. Speaking of Joe, I only shop there. Shopping there makes grocery shopping feel more cunty and fun. It’s raining outside right now. Yesterday and the day before were super sunny and I wish I enjoyed it more. I think I’m going to feel that way once I move out of San Diego. I wanted to go to the beach today. In fourish months I’m going to be moving back to my hometown. There are things that I am excited about like having my own space and getting another cat. I’m currently not taking any classes and I don’t have a job yet. I’m going back blonde on Tuesday. I haven’t been a full blonde since 2019 so I’m excited. I started going back to the gym again. I’ve gone a total of two days so far, today will be my third. I’m so sore that I can barely sit on the toilet. Last weekend I went on a walk by the beach with a Fiona. We got lunch and some mimosas. Last night I had a dream I took a green tea shot. In real life I have given up drinking hard alcohol all together because it never ends up well. I don’t mean I go wild, I mean I take a shot and end up liking my brains out for the next 5 hours. In Vegas I didn’t even get drunk but had to get an IV the next day. I blame the meds. I’m suppose to go out this Friday. I don’t go out much anymore, compared to the first year we were down here. We’re gonna get a party bus and go to gaslamp. I’ll update you if we decide to go. On my birthday I bought myself a bunch of books. I’m currently reading, “My Year of Rest and Relaxation”. It’s a feel good easy read and it’s especially nice to read after finishing “The Psycholoy of Money”. Aside from all that I don’t think there’s much more of an update.

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22 years ago today was a pretty big day for me. At this exact time I was waiting to enter the world and then at 4:28 I took my first breath. Every single thing I was experiencing was brand new. The feeling of air on my skin and through my lungs, opening my eyes, getting cut off from what had kept me alive for 9 months. From the babies point of view, this is terrifying but everyone calls it beautiful. This applies to almost everything terrifying that I have experienced. One of the biggest things I have learned in completing 21 years of life is that the simplest or most mundane things can have the biggest messages. I had my period last week and I was in a great deal of pain. Even thought I was pleading with god to make it stop, I was also grateful it was happening. I was absolutely elated that I wasn’t pregnant. The pain I’m experiencing is no where near as severe as the pain I would experience if I were to be pregnant. This applies to so much more than just periods. This applies to when I thought it was the end of the world when I had my first heartbreak at 13. This applies to me cutting off my dad. This applies to my friendship breakup I recently just had. So if I were to answer the question “whats the biggest thing you learned while being 21?” I would answer like this: slow down, stop talking, and look around. Almost everything has a message you can take and use from it. Put away your ego because it just makes you look foolish. It’s ok to be wrong and it’s ok to not know something but it’s not ok to not take accountability and it’s not ok to not try and learn. I still have so much to work on but I think 22 will be the year where I really apply what I’ve learned being 21.

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17 was the best but worst year of my life. It’s hard to swallow the fact that the reason it was the best is completely superficial. At 17 I felt a sense of joy I had never felt before. It all started I believe in the beginning of summer. I had a lot of memorable and exhilarating events occurring during that time so the ineffable happiness blended in quite well. I had a pretty new relationship that kept me on my toes, my best friend was graduating, I had the most freedom I’ve ever had, and I had a new group of fun friends. I spent that summer on a high that eventually had to come town. Summer of 2019 felt like I was living in a dream realm. We spent those summer nights up drinking in Pearls barn. By the time it hit July I was so manic that the colors appeared brighter, I felt music throughout my whole body, the wind that hit my face felt like chewing spearmint gum. The summer was ending and so was my high. By the time my senior year rolled around, things with me became very peculiar. My thoughts became like a four way stop with no signs. My anxiety slowly crept its way throughout my whole body. My memory is kind of hazy when it comes to that period of time but I do remember my sanity slipping out from my grip. I woke up one morning and I was completely gone. It felt as if my consciousness was sucked down into the deepest parts of me and replaced by someone new. I had lost all control of myself. This was the scariest moment of my life. That morning I lost all control I realized what was going on and I got put on medication instantaneously. That was my first and hopefully last psychotic break and it reminds me of how grateful I should be to have sanity. I look out of my window while I drive through town and I see myself in the people sleeping on the streets muttering nonsense to themselves. That is who I naturally am. If I were to get off my medication, I would be them and that’s sometimes hard to comprehend.

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Today’s the last day of 2023 and I’m getting those NYE gitters to completely revamp myself/ my life. These are what’s in/out in 2024

2024

Ins:

Take more pictures and videos

Scrapbooking

SUNSCREEN

High quality clothes

Getting ready as soon as you wake up in the morning

Drinking more water

Journaling

Therapy

Reading

Going to the gym

OUTS:

Sitting on your phone in the morning

Cheap clothes

Pjs around the house

Buying things I don’t need

Being embarrassed

Dirty house/ car

Eating fast food

Bad communication

Caring what others think

Procrastinating

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21 Year Old Me

Age: 21

Hair color: Dark Brown

Current Style: Dark but Feminine

Favorite Food: Sushi

Favorite color: Black and Pink (but I’ll always love blue too)

Favorite Things To Do: Thrifting (swap meets, estate sales, markets), reading, hanging out with Ben and Indy, grocery shopping, go to the beach, and collecting trinkets

Last Movie I Watched: Saltburn and The Boy and the Heron

Most Important People in Your Life: Grandma, Ben, Taylor

Funny Story From 2023: One of my Best Friends Pearl came to visit me in San Diego and we went out to my local dive bar by my house. We ended up talking to this loser marine and he tells us he can sing. So he belts out in song and Pearl and I are trying our best not to burst out laughing. I ended up getting bored and messing with him for my own entertainment and it ended pretty poorly. Oops

Favorite show: Euphoria still

What were you for Halloween 2023: A Siren for the Party and a Clown at Work

Favorite Thrift Finds of 2023: My BettyBoop Statue of Liberty and my Leopard Prink Coat

How long have you and Ben been together: 5 years

What is Your Plan For The Future: I plan on getting through school and ending with my Masters, I want to get my own place, I want to get more cats, I want to become A better writer, I want to save more money.

What I Want To Improve: My drawing, communication skills, knowledge on psychology, being nicer

Job: Just quit my Budtender job

Things that happened in 2023: My Jersey Shore themed 21st Birthday, Visited Arizona for the first time because my friend got roofied, Went to the Nessa Barret concert with Pearl,Went to Palm Springs for Spring Break with Ben, Went to PB for our friends graduation and ended up with 5 people in jail and the bouncers getting their ass whooped, Going to Universal Studies with Taylor, Ben, and Micheal, Going to Hawaii with Ben’s family, Going to Disneyland with my family, Pearl came to San Diego to visit me, Found out my friend of 10 years slept with my new friends boyfriend (friendship down the drain I don’t fw girls who aren’t girls girls), Went to the last tailgates of our college lives, Went to Vegas and ended another 10+ year friendship (still coping with this one), Saw Pierce the Veil front row, quit my job, and now I’m visiting my family back in my hometown.

Favorite Bands: Pierce the Veil, $uicideboy$, Deftones, Nessa Barrett, Lana Del Rey, Mitski

Favorite thing to cook: Trader Joe’s squiggly noodles, taco bowls, adult lunchables (girl dinner) example; cucumbers and hummus, hard boiled egg, pickles, Trader Joe’s off brand takis, cream cheese, string cheese, seaweed , etc

Favorite places to eat in San Diego: Sushi Kuchi, Mystic Grill, Mikes Red Tacos, and STK

3 Things I Love: Halloween, Hawaii, and fashion

3 Things I Hate: Pitbull, girls who aren’t girls girls, Olives

How many Tattoos Do You Have: 4

Favorite Purfume: Sandall 33 dupe because that shit is expensive

Car You Drive: Audi A3

Favorite things I got for Christmas this year: Diamond necklace, Frankie’s Bikini Set, and LED Mask.

Ok these are all the questions I can think of.

[myfifthlobotomy]

2024 is in 2 days and I turn 22 in 20 days… one of my New Year’s resolutions is to start writing more. I always have my phone on me so I figured I’d turn this page into a diary. I’m going to document the good and the bad and everything else that goes on in my brain. There’s a lot I want to do in 2024, I feel like this is going to be a year of growth. I want to make more money, I want to focus on therapy and get my school situation figured out. I want to stick to a few hobbies like drawing, dancing, and working out. I want to pay better attention to my skin, I want to do one self care thing a month like get my toes done, get a facial, take a boxing/pole dancing class. I think it’s so crazy how much I’ve changed since the last time I was active on tumblr. I’m finally excited about life and doing things. I joined tumblr when I was 12. This app perpetuated my depression and constant need for negativity. I learned how to self harm, I learned how to binge and purge, I was exposed to things I certainly shouldn’t have been exposed to but.. character development, I guess. Tumblr has changed a lot in 10 years, it seems more peaceful and self directed. I want to get better at writing so I think this will help. I want to stop the self deprecation but I feel like I’m mediocre at everything I do but I’m going to learn how to be more ok with that. I don’t need to be the best at everything, that’s way too tiring. Anyways, this is my intro to 2024 and I really hope I stick with it.

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zabawy z modelką

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Live Ant Lollipop

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