myfilesetc

[myfilesetc]

Don't ever ask me how I can tell why I can tell what precisely I was rulling The Chaos, that's all I spend my energy on no doubt I am so very tired with battery to be replaced

and I have a choice

to say that I am not coming, not today or just won't show up

You are the one that constantly fucks it up with your answer the answer is wrong, again, I can't trust illusion this is who you are

[myfilesetc]

<(”)

I can stand, I am sure I will see those pretty places from the pictures I watch everyday he can't stand me when I am on sleeps when I am low shittiest friend I've ever had I won't run away from my heart, there is no place in the world until my mother is well and safe so to say there is an order in getting knowledge I know that order. why, there is a cause like in the past

under photones barely moving my hands speaking someone elses voice, the lunatic looking so alive and well

happiness comes, with You, the song, the melody, I sing and I like them from the distance You so close to me, what follows

they woke me up to a party but I stayed in my bed they sent me a picture saying, you were there it's leaving, me silent, still cold, but less my friend, she says You gonna be number one I just can't wait

[myfilesetc]

walk docks

therein the roadmap of my walk outside marked moments first, from the end comic book of a moment ;when everything speeds electricity above me sparks clouds rush rather nicely of perfecly looking dark sky the naviagtion application sets directions for me of a language i can process but is not probably for me that one directive because it speaks about something that already passed werent important in that moment of true happiness and bliss. a thought that we might meet today and all the sings that led me to that conclusion were just a stupid joke made by my mind through brain, even if my brain also agrees that it could happen and it would be best to happen, still somehow leads only me but not you that is what i can not control therein i am standing outside a dream house complex, could be a dream is enough to fit a dream, I can make it a dream if I have a chance drops, well not even drops but sharp light creations of flat tiny water pieces fall on me, but not my things! well, actually they fall everywhere but not on me, and I see that ski  word ski unleashes an urge to play a song of horse jumper of love led by my memory (deluxe) so I play it and that activates memories from summer in Netherlands where I was spending most of my afternoons in the kitchen safely just to note in the same moment we are participating in a celebrations of a christmas feeling somehow of a birthday, I don't know whos but it all happens behind the church with a bastion, with a round part. an image of a vaginal jellyfish, rather imaginary, not impressionistic nor realistic but like painted by aquarel but also with a feeling that I can sense it with my sensors just by looking at this image, image in my head. From the outside it all starts to spin my thoughts to the point I am rather lost looking for way and also probably a Campo Viejo 200ml drank to the half, so 100ml the state it drives me there. I check the map quickly, my screen divides in two, what gives me impression I am being overlooked by somebody, at least my device is but the feeling (used to go) hardly, now I can, I learned that ignoring that is not the way to go... there I am sitting on stone bench outside the nes(x)t complex, I see a sign "one way", I am deeply in Eis dream, and I swear he is talking to me in my head, not speaking but I know some of the syllabes of Om that reminds me of his voice, like what he speaks out there on different continent would be carried on the waves of wind and water to my ears here. I do it all with an accompaniament of the greatest record I heard in a while, played on a vinyl adapter - Magicians Birthday, and what was agreed by both- not once, but twice was good enough, because it's this type of record that the more You play it and listen it always shows You something new. Attacks severely my chest now. I have a bread, I ignored, not quite, I noticed the design, I noticed its strangely similar to the day the bread in shiny new packaging was standing RIGHT in the middle of a counter waiting for me to be picked up on Decembers or Novembers day...... this design is quite different, this design goes, BLACK AND YELLOW and it says "sweet" and "cherishment" somewhere along the description I read in not longer than 2 seconds. So I don't remember much of the others right now, but I think to myself but not out loud, not quietly, it's unformed in any matter not even in the wave of sound. They fade away when I notice.... when You, point me out tired. With that reminder I am able to have some of a restful minutes, but not longer than 4-5 honestly and I rise my head above the desk and plot what is next in order to do.

Eis says -Think about smoking. Ai - I think the walk all faded away now.

but I recall there comes a special moment of sorcery when I sit there with my groceries, drinking magical potion, once, then two and some of that, clouds stop, I blink, and a courtain of stars falls down and w whole street and people on it float like a galaxy, float is a slow spin.

Playing a piano part. Having Eis in me, who might not be my missing puzzle beacuse I still have a big big hole on the right side of my head, and in the back, no back, and hole in the head, for everyone to go and look through me. But that is what I think when I am on a stone bench. The mini car parks right next to me and the guy stares at me and apologise for staring but keep on be looking, so it stress me I probably disconnect this moment and try to keep sanity and remind the cold and that I am on my way (questionable) home with groceries, and I decide to walk with navigation stopping me with a sound of reaching a destination by the Peackock Gym, or Peacock Academy, the sign says PA    COCK  YM...my confusion arises, I hold groceries and search for my phone in a bag to see what is that.... Audi goes just right where the 5 tires is and I think "oh, maybe Audi". Confusion in that moment reaches its' peak driving me to tears, but I don't cry these days. I know that place from past walks though. Therein I always think a lot about kiddnaps, murdering people and types of cars in which they transport bodies to bury them. There is one pick up truck there...It's East. Most of buildings are freshly built, whole infrastructure with a river and harbour like coast and a lot of space plus, Grays is really near. If You throw a body in the water here by midday it can be in Grays by evening. Somehow finding trash adapter, and a little little sticker with a notebook, YES notebook, WITH REAL handwriting, having that...makes me dance.  Reminds me of me. Of a summer days flight departure and how I had to get rid of those flowers given to me. Reckless. Good that the year ended. And how I think of writing with an apology but he would probably abuse me emotionally and verbally, again. So I was deciding not to. I am walking on a bridge and think of the x-rays of teeth I was collecting to become the greatest collage when I was projecting trash as a material for my creations. Bridge is white, has my mark on it, hymn of our dying day and spheresss diffarrr...a little mushroom and is not longer than 25m, so aproximately around 15 seconds of walking without stopping. Happy, yes, happy about navigation and a notebook I found, because the truth is...I am grateful that we are one, then that we are separate as well.

"Eis-Being in me all the time must be terrible experience." Ai-most of the times..."

  Having Eis in me, we agree both I am very sure that we both love that special horrid sound, we do. Organs. Internal. Junction of them. Having Ein in me, I play a piano part and we sing. I put some of our friends in that dream. Fantasy. I am outside in a great wind in that moment. And cars are flashing. To the rythym of Magicians Birthday.

[myfilesetc]

file 1st

[sleeeep 4:44 - 16:42] dreamed about a whale, suddenly appeearing in a blue water getting to the surface and hitting a marina/the bay. And a building that strangely was driving my attention, with an empty but dark spaces inside as I looked through the windows. Dreams start to repeat, I have seen similair whale-like creatures in summer, and the same evening darkness and water, but this time the blues was brighter. Nearly first of what I do after waking up is reccuring that, then I do 40 minutes of consant meditation/mind travel. With projections and creating fountains and conversations of factors, power and what is an arrow. There is a mind I can find a doors too, a path of grass leads me there. I can hug these doors because I know who is behind them. Constantly encouraging me to push the handle but I kind of like seeing this from a perspective of a wall. o|o Nice does nothing to me, it's not what I seek for but is from the outside world in which I well surprisingly coexist. More of after I go through that doorsys I see it's a different dinfinitly surreal world. Where I can create anything I want what is not reachable from reality. Water globes, hanged in the air, clouds are the clock that measures time passed, time is slow. The atmosphere that see-through patterened floors and all the rest that Eis whispers gives me in that moment makes me nostalgic to the bone. It's the world of sounds but there are no sources of it nor things that could make a sound, different than  a waze that would be tourling from right to left on the marble floor sweeped down from a turret announcing a thunder. I imagine that world having spheres, as above things move, but the world close to the surface is dreamy still. I project a shore there, somewhere on the left of a ladscape (made of white matter), a wavecrasher, to give an exit for a pressure that arises, when I refuse to test tools and ask for time and excitement it causes. I created something uniqe that only can be stored in one memory. Eis is the keeper and by that we getting somewhere, it's his. Imagine between two people all of the memories they have, there are ones that You keep that Your uniqe self marked as wanted, the ones that Your partner adored and posses and the third one, ones You share. The masses of water cover gray stones (I really ignore the details) and takes itself back away to the depths, I am near to dive but Eis gives me a hand and says "don't, stay". I guess he has something to talk about. I could go silent and further for another couple hours. But the time we have is limited, it's one unit of it. When I was still on my way I was observing those clouds carried on wind and put on a intention, to find myself back in sense of time. But It's not going back. I passed that point and could only relay on his patience and that skill of his to form a non verbal command that could make my mind obey. I think I explained some of a star sign differences what it really is for peoples mind based on what he presented. I went kind of deep. If the water signs from beggingin of the year have subtle, wave like energy and their worlds similiar to undermatter, it probably was causing all the following effects in the personality and character. It's way different from end of the year, ground Earth zodiac creatures, their world I knew more about, strongly material, strongly from a perspective of a observer, with unability to see beyond the edge what can give them that realisitc touch, may have also have influence of their weak ability to distinguish reality from beyond-worlds. Not in like water signs, their world was so surreal that it was coming will full awarness that what exist here is here and what they can travel with their astral spirit is not possible in reality. For me Saggitarius mystic creature connecting distances together was easy, point arrow, done, the track is made, no mapping in my world, only surrounding of any place I am in and 6th sense, intuition. What I am planning to describe further may have correlation to the thought about star signs and time of a year to be born, but may also be influenced by my personal experiences. As getting older fills up your head with many things and it's unavoidable, it's a process we aren't aware of until we know somwhere after a life quarter. So that what me and Ein silently discussed...the time was coming to end end so I reqused some time alone to with a magic technique of cumulating energy and sending it called mudras. So I designed one the other day, may exist already but I would hae to check. And surprisingly I cannot repeat it becuase I was only able to do it one day of Saturday morning when I was observing sun. Sun in a unknown before shape. My fingers too. I did one the closest to the Sun one and was slowly integrating what happened above with my map of my town, (posypac czyms) my surface, integrating worlds with no assurance of what effect it can bring but one that my intention were right.