myfutureme88

[myfutureme88]

I’ve been sad again lately. Sometimes I feel like I’m so completely in tune with the primal force underlying the world that it’s almost as if I can ‘feel’ the heartbeat of reality. I think about this documentary I watched where Bhuddist monks create these beautiful, intricate and complex mandala’s made entirely from sand--the entire process taking days. They painstakingly and patiently weave from memory these gorgeous designs laid out over tablets that are then displayed for a short time and then destroyed. It’s symbolic of creation, how all of life and the cosmos spring into being suddenly and instantly--in all their complex forms, their lives their biology their emotion. Then it all fades away again into nothing. 

I don’t know how I feel about things lately. I feel apathetic, I feel trapped, I feel too much. I feel everything and I feel nothing. I just want things to fall into place but I feel like now, when I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve burned so many bridges of people who tried, people who cared, people who could direct me... I’m here alone and when I’m not alone, I’m too antisocial to want to deal with the complexities of other people and their energies. 

[myfutureme88]

I realized today that I had reached a point where I am beginning to appreciate doing things for myself. It’s been a two day realization beginning with yesterday, when my mentor took me out for a birthday lunch. He told me that worrying gets me nowhere, but he asked me about my goals and I was evasive answering his questions because I realized in many ways I am ushering in a similar limitation to my progress that I had done with drugs--I refuse to map the ‘rest’ out when I haven’t got a clue where I should ‘plant’ my foundations. I tell myself that the gym has been this profound and monumental change--and in many regards, it obviously is. But I shouldn’t limit myself to having to see results, or reach one milestone in one goal so that I can clear myself to begin setting the stage for the initiation of another, unrelated goal. 

I tell myself things like, “I can’t plan the rest of my life out if I don’t have a job right now.” So I justify not having any concrete goals that are fixed, but today my Mom told me she’s buying a one bedroom place and it got me really worried about my future and I realized it’s because I don’t feel prepared to be an adult. I feel like all my life I’ve been waiting for someone to show me the ropes so that I feel comfortable swinging on them alone, but that day never came. Now, I’m 32 and I feel less prepared than ever, and I’m scared to commit to something I’ll be forced to live out the rest of my life not enjoying. 

It’s these little lies I tell myself that let me justify assuaging the urgency to get a move on because I let in the irrational hope that something is magically going to ‘fall out of the sky’ because I ‘deserve’ it, or ‘I’m so charming’ or whatever other bullshit. 

My friend told me it’s normal for people to feel the way I do in these unprecedented times, and that the only way out of this feeling is to accomplish things sequentially so that I can overcome the place I’m in--but he hit the nail on the head when he said something to the effect of it being ‘lonely’. 

Maybe that’s why I miss my ex so much, I was co-dependent because I was afraid to go it alone. Maybe he saw that fear established and rooted so deep inside me that he thought I lacked ambition or that I lacked the will to do what was necessary to thrive. 

I realized fear is rooted so deeply in my life that I am starting to recognize the ways its embedded itself in my subconscious for so long and have gone unnoticed. 

I’m starting to appreciate the words of the Navy: Honor, Courage, Commitment. 

[myfutureme88]

It feels so unfair that after suffering at the hands of a psychotic, drug addicted, obsessive stalker who was able to hack into all my devices and slowly drive me into madness and emptiness that the only thing that helped, since no one could believe me, was to staunch the void with drugs, that I’d meet someone so amazing that I could fall in love with for the first time and experience a depth to the human experience I didnt think was possible, only to recognize that I was no longer the man I thought I was because I let the pain win and so my love got to see a broken, deranged, shell of the creature I became instead of the noble and confident man I always was. I lost my love because I failed to work through the pain and instead accepted my circumstance, and then I spent the next six months breaking an innocent person’s perspective on everything I convinced him was true to the breaking point and straight into the arms of someone who was eagerly waiting to soothe the hurt I never knew I was causing. 

We want to find meaning in the suffering to ease the pain of the loss. I keep thinking about the first noble truth of buddhism, how suffering is optional but pain is not. Its been six months since it ended and I am not beating myself up because it ended and I cant accept that, I am beating myself up over the fact that I awoke and saw what I let myself become and I never was that person, and it feels so unfair that I went through that and put someone through that. Where is the sense in that? What lesson am I to learn in back to back trauma? I am never going to go back to drugs again. I am going to be better this time and never give up, but was that it ? Will I ever love again? Will I ever get a chance to open this specific door again? I wish I had some clue to make the pain worthwhile, but I do have faith in the process. I do trust that I will be better and okay one day. Just, today... right now I don’t know why I want to cry and feel this loss and almost like refuse to not feel it, as if I’m punishing myself for having been so fucking stupid. I am tired of feeling this way, tired of hurting, tired of remembering, tired of the memory of being helpless. I go to the gym every day, I do the work and I try to make myself better. I even reached enlightenment, and yet I choose to suffer and I don’t get why I am so hard on myself, I just want to forgive myself. 

[myfutureme88]

The Maya

This year has been a monumentally transformative engine that, coupled with quarantine, made it more effective as a tool because it allowed me the time, place and space (distance) to be introspective.

I remembered this documentary called, “Inner-Worlds, Outer-Worlds: Akasha.” There was a moment where we were shown a tree, which reminded me of a ‘live x-ray’ because instead of seeing the bark and the surface-details, we were instead shown a ‘map’ of energy flowing in and out of the tree. 

The narrator stated that the Illusion that is reality appears so real to us, because the vibrating photons that make up the actual particles of energy that is the tree (and all other energy in, and around the tree) are moving slow enough that they are perceived collectively (rather than as individual and separate particles) as “Matter”, because our frame of reference is capturing the moment that the wave function of energy(the particle and wave are one and the same, they exist simultaneously so the energy is just another way of viewing the tree as a wave) collapses into a particle because of the actual act of a viewer’s observation, and thus the Material World suddenly is a colorful, texturized field where energy concentrates into the what we can then translate as collective concentrations of clouds of probabilities that our eyes can’t understand as it is, so our brain translates that concentration of energy/information into objects, such as the tree, or even us. 

Our minds, for the sake of us being built for survival, translates everything that our eyes can perceive in this manner. It happens so that we can be able to process the natural world and be better equipped to have evolved efficiently and effectively enough to maneuver in this 3-dimensional plane of existence. (avoiding danger / seeking out vital life giving requirements such as food/water)

In order for our brains to be able to do this as effectively as they do, a trade-off occurs. Our brains do not have the volume capacity or processing power to be able to absorb,analyze and produce all of the visual media in our field of view, so for the sake of it being ‘stuck’ trying to determine how to render ALL of the infinite amount of raw data around us, it ignores the layers and layers of the world that we can’t see.

This happens because of how small these particles are, and also, because the rate at which the particles vibrate (known as the ‘resonant frequency’), is happening much quicker than the eye can observe it happening) 

*think of it as the frame stills that make up a motion picture movie, the individual frames are moving fast enough so that it gives the still-images the illusion of movement.

Due to this phenomenon, we accept totally and completely, the limitations that are inherent within us, we view energy not as a wave, but as fixed points suspended in an ever shifting matrix--but our eyes cannot possibly make sense of this, nor can it even perceive it happening on the scale it happens on.

With every gift is a curse, and with every curse, a gift. There is a duality to reality that is inherent in the nature of the fabric of existence. Two sides of the same coin--two angels that make up a vector. Those points appear to overlap and that overlay creates the projection of object permanence. (the property of materials so that our minds understand that an object stays intact and ‘real’ even if it is removed from our line of sight, it exists apart of us being able to witness it.) 

We accept this duality as a single event due to our physical limitations and survival requirements it is determined that this is the most efficient method of handling all of the rendering our brains do so we can witness the world as our eyes absorb it. 

The ‘curse’ is that by evolving to process information in this way, everything that is instantaneously determined to not be vital, or information that is not perceivable due to the immense tiny nature of the sub atomic world, is deemed as noise, or it just simply cannot be perceived.

Over time this creates a situation in which brains have become hard-wired to be keenly aware of patterns. Patterns are like readily stored stencils that our brains are trained to recognize quicker so we can be even more immersed in this field of energy manifesting itself as matter. Yet, we can understand now the illusion of Matter,(objects that exist in matrix of our field of vision that have intrinsic properties unique to the phases: gas, liquid, solid, plasma and otherwise,that matter ‘likes’ to manifest itself in) It is an illusion because these particles are ‘vibrating’ and the rate at which they dance determines how it will group together and be rendered as, however when we try to look deeper, we find that the energy cannot be seen at it’s smallest particle--and further more, it is not alive, so where is this vibration coming from? There is nothing there moving it, yet everything in the universe is being ‘moved’ by ‘something’.

Thus we are biased in our observations, we need to remind ourselves not everything is all it appears to be, for example, there are curves, densities, shadows, angels that give this entire illusion ‘life’ by rendering depth into it, so this ‘object’ that is spinning it’s make-up (which at it’s core is really just best understood as a cloud of probability that exists in the physical plane)  It must be understood that energy exists in a state referred to ‘super position’ which means that if you were to try to look for the exact location of this probability cloud, you will not find it, you can only predict where it can both be and not be simultaneously. And this duality of both existing and not existing is both indistinguishable and inseparable from it’s identity which is really just the way an object manifests  on the 3-d plane. So we are seeing clouds of probabilities acting as if they exist, but they simultaneously do not exist in the location we are perceiving it to be rendered from. It is as if everything is a projection of some sort, projecting itself into the simultaneous projection that exists as the universe.

the information collapses into an object, but the raw data is still rendered in the final cut of the manifestation. example above, the geometry that manifests in nature, we also see sacred geometry in the sunflower arrangement, the shells of sea animals and much more.

Our minds must never do ourselves the disservice of not adding this information back into the visual representation that we are instantaneously gifted with while our eyes are opened and absorbing the world as we can filter the light through our eyes and into their appropriate synapses to produce information we translate as visual sight.

I’ve spent a good majority of my life needing to keep a zone of safety near me at all times because of the fear that I would be overloaded by factors that haven’t manifested yet, either it would be fear, self-loathing, anticipation, the suffering that comes from desire and all the other forms the illusion will manifest itself to hide inside of itself the source of it’s creation:it’s identity as a vehicle of transporting an emotion. We as human beings then catalogue the emotion into a pattern we call language, which by definition, limits the possibility of what the illusion can be by us only being able to identify it by what we see and translate the object to be as it relates to this collective--the object’s ‘name’/identity. A tree can only be a tree because it is a tree, therefore the infinite possible variations for objects collapse into one possible shape--a tree. To name it is to negate it, to collapse the field into a state slow enough to be contained long enough to create a resonance in us that we morph by sound. So much information is lost in this translation that we have forgotten the layers of the unseen that is the real reality.

It makes our ability to gouge the efficiency of our own cognition, to work at such a lower frame rate that we are in essence, accepting the illusion and shortening the energy into bursts that over time hurt us, because an object exists as a beacon, as a pulse in the matrix as a collective of swirling probability, the math then outfits itself with the translation we choose in the moment the wave collapses.

I negated an entire universe every second my eyes are opened, I choose a narrow band to live out my reality in and eventually accept the flavors of probability that this swatch has pre-loaded, i.e the cycles we find ourselves mixed up in so often in the scope of our days, weeks, months e.t.c. until we ‘do the work’ which is ambiguosly refered to as a floating noun(person/place/thing) probability variable (the cycle of sadness, or the cycle of pain) 

The work refers to us being able to access the state of existence that reality is really, at it’s core, and in abundance, and create micro-shifts in time-space to access the deeper pockets of swatch selections.

If I see less patterns that perpetuate to me the familiarity of my environment being a place I recognize ( example, I am peering out the window of a train as it speeds past a station I am familiar with, my eyes will recognize the cumilitive clouds of collapsing probabilities as ‘mineola’ station. It isn’t until we piece the narrative together that we weave the moment of recognition into reality(oh I saw this, and this, and this. therefore, I believe this is Jamaica train station because ‘this wall’ is associated with a location I know to be in that area.) 

The more we think we know, the more we limit the world. This arrogance comes with a price. You will never see all the signals available there to assist you in navigating more effectively through this crowded matrix of clouds of dense possibilities where we like to loop our familiar emotions, no matter how played out, over and over again. Because beauty is the easiest universal law and the only absolute truth. But beauty being an absolute( a law that is uniform, beauty is the moment of recognition from observing a pattern we translated as having the quality of ‘beautiful’ for it’s near-instant recognition of it. ) But we accept it with the a curse ( beauty is a gift, the curse is the shadows and vectors that this projection carries behind itself like the tail of a comet, a cloud of probabilities that allow for further customization but those controls are tucked into itself for a more neat and instant representation of the material world to be readily available for our filters to generate the illusion for the efficiency of survival. But we must chose to thrive rather than to just live, so we ‘look’ ‘deeper’ ironic because those two words can also be applied to the same way we will ‘see’ the tail of this probability comet, not with our eyes but with the law of beauty and the knowledge that all things are dual, and that the trade off for beauty is that it is cropped, the ugly is simply attached to a portion of the object of beauty that we cannot see from this ‘perspective.’

We cannot simply accept our role as passive observers because we are far from that, it only appears  that we are passive because we inherit the limitations of the trade off of maneuvering in a 3-d world, that our scope of filtering out raw data as a whole is limited by the engine that renders an object into a particle from its wave probability--aka the very exact ‘moment’ of collapse, we are the ‘collapsers’ our folding of the data in over itself to render it in this matrix.

We are the wardens of our prisons, our world is the illusion we chose to occupy first in our choice to collapse the universe into that cycle of pallets we identify with the familiar emotions associated with them: pain and suffering. We chose, in every moment even if we can’t grasp that we do have a choice, by giving up the ability to see the choice, we accept the default and superficial illusion as is. We tuck ourselves into a suffocating cycle we make harder for us to reach out of.

So the age old, ‘the mind first, the body follows’ is a very valid and densely packed sentence that has layers of nutritious food-for-the-soul reminders in it.

We can move faster or slower than the illusions around us, but as long as we do not vibrate at the frame rate that the illusion is wanting to be rendered in, we can elude it’s echo into cycling itself around us.

There is a duality to us too-- we are a conscious projection of probability made up in the flavor of a ‘give/take’ energy. The choice of which is the curse or gift, the give, or the ‘take’ depends on what we choose to collapse the matrix around us to pair us up with at the moment, we never, however, cognitively understand this as a choice because it exists faster than our eyes can capture it collapsing. 

This is why the ancients said love is a tool, it is just the name, the flavor of the ‘give’ energy, which comes out of us to flow outwards when we are vibrating at a higher resonance. The take, is another term for the feeling that manifests differently for everyone translating it into a feeling we understand and identify as.. usually it is an emptiness, it is a void that needs to be filled constantly yet this hunger can never be satisfied because it is not a fixed state to arrive at, it is simply an intersection that exists only to feel carry the void inside itself. We create the cell and the torture we chose to punish ourselves with, by subconsciously choosing to think in terms of thoughts that make us vibrate in a resonance that will only attract more of this type of energy as cycles we experience over and over until we choose to love again.

The curse of our existence is the take energy. We are manifested as biological beings hard-wired for survival, not ‘thrival’ so remember, survival is max-efficiency, low energy output.. this is a self-limiting vehicle engineered to be easily distracted by a slow rate of resonance so we can function in a 3-d world without being overloaded by stimuli we can’t possibly process that much of instantly ( we only absorb a small amount of the data we are actually seeing, in fact there is a phenomenon where the brain actually engineers the illusion to simply ‘correct’ what you’re seeing--for example, look at your nose. Your eyes are spaced out just so that there is a blind spot right over your nose, but your eyes overlay vision in the cortex in such a way that that blind spot appears to be filled in by repeated data from the opposite eye, ex: instead of creating a point at which two lines intersect, we can create a similar structure to mimic it : x and )(, the overlay we are seeing is the curve of the image reflected by the other eye.) (the nose is the point at which those vectors intersect, but our eyes cannot ‘see’ it, so the brain corrects it so we can process information without the distraction of a delay, because a delay in a world of ‘fight-or-flight’ evolution meant a lag, and a lag meant a disadvantage, and that use to mean certain death in a world where the matrix we live in can manifest into a universe of probable scenarios that are unfolding, collapsing, dying--both being and not being--until you choose the way it collapses into the collective illusion we understand to be reality.

I leave you with this, “ take what you need, leave the rest.” Don’t ever be mad at the data, it is just raw, untapped, potential energy. Be a creator, stop being a taker. Accept your responsibility as the creator of your universe by stop neglecting the duality of reality, you leave the probability to random and you give away your power. You are only as sad as you want to be, happy as you want to be, you are who and what you wish to be--in every moment, in every function--we choose, either by defaulting our power away and resorting to entering that intersection of overloading ourselves with enough lag to feel the illusion of the ‘weight of emptiness’ or we can we active and resonate higher by accepting, by removing the friction of desire, when you desire, you actually push away the item you want, creating the resulting and lingering flavor left over that we translate as desire, or want.

Stop wanting, start giving, give your universe the chance to be. or take your seat in silence, when you GIVE you actually receive, and when you TAKE you actually repel. The thing you are taking is all an illusion, you are essentially pouring nothing into a cup and expecting it to kill the thirst you manifest to torture yourself to distract yourself long enough to linger in these cycles we find ourselves in our lives in.

True power is in the giving up of power, because one only has no power when he reaches out his hand to grasp power, because he CHOOSES to manifest himself in the reality that the power was not IN his hand in the FIRST place. That was never offered to you because this is the hidden choice menu that we give up being able to see in order to not experience the lag of the 3-d world.

Free yourself from mental slavery. Give yourself the love you yearned for but didn’t know was possible or that it could exist. Manifest it and it is yours.