25 | they/them | in a constant cycle of relapse and recovery. DNI: pro-ed, minors, terfs, zionists, bigots
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I feel like I don’t say this enough, but
FUCK!! FUUUUCK FUCK FUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!
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my mental health is so bad i’m having a hard time with food again, i’m struggling to get out of bed, my motivation is dwindling, i can feel myself being not myself and i don’t know if i’ve concerned or irritated my new boss and i don’t know why i can’t seem to get a grip
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can’t believe i’ve become the “i don’t care about a relationship right now i’m focused on my career” type of person and yet here i am
#everyone has been awful and evil to me and i am not putting up with it i’m too sexy my boobs too big my heart too open#i am focused on doing a good job and stability and growth#i wasn’t actively searching for something before but i was open and now i am not even open to it actually#leave me alone#txt
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"it's all in your head" correct! unfortunately I am also in there
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i don’t want to be alive i don’t want to be alive i don’t want to be alive
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Being insane but cognitively aware of how insane you are is a special kind of hell because you know that you aren't normal and you can pinpoint the behaviors that label you as other and make people kinda go quiet and twitchy around you but you can't change them or your neurosis so you're stuck in a brutal cycle of trying to emulate normal people and failing horribly cus you know in theory how normal people look and act but in practice you can never change what you are and everyone else knows it too and this goes on forever until you die
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i can’t ever be normal i gotta think and obsess and think and obsess like will my mind ever know peace
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ohhhhhhh my god that was my last straw i want to die so bad was it worth it was it worth ruining our friendship i hope it was i hope you’re happy and that you are fulfilled and i hope it was worth it i really do
#even in my hesitancy even in my fear and when i finally feel safe to feel#and i am reminded WHY i was afraid in the first place#don’t know why i thought just because we were friends that this would be any different#i am disposable and an easy way to pass the time onto what you really want#i am NEVER speaking to you again#txt
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nooo brain ahah don't pay attention to that random wave of sadness please
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