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Pop go the stars...again!
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“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts,rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”
— Liam Neeson - (hatin)
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“Bad timing doesn't exist. The people your heart chooses at what it thinks is the wrong time are simply just the wrong people. They are simply just the ones who were meant to get away. They were simply just the ones who were never meant to stay. Because at the end of the day, the right people fight for you. The right people show up. The right people care, not only when life is convenient, but when it is difficult and messy and it aches all over. The right people take the chance; they choose you just as confidently as you choose them. They hand you their heart. They bet on you. They believe in what you share with a ruthless conviction, with a hope that spills out of them. Have the courage to wait for these people. Do not settle for half-loves, do not settle for someone who does not see the value in holding your heart. The people who walk away from you because the timing is not right are sim ply just the people who are not willing to put the right amount of time into you.
Let that be your closure.”
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“I think part of the reason why we hold so tight is because we fear something so great won’t happen twice”
— unknown (via hatin)
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All I gotta say is thank you god for loving me and always being w me and having my back even when I doubt u ❤️
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I just feel a saddens hanging over me. I feel like I can’t breathe. I constantly have tears in my eyes. It’s just my mind. She won’t shut up and won’t let me have peace, all I hear are screams and shouts. Reminders of the past, things that didn’t and don’t and shouldn’t concern me. Idk what to do anymore, I feel like I’m one moment, one mistake, one more reminder away from bursting.
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This man makes my heart burst out of happiness and also feels like home I’m so happy with him 😭😭❤️
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stay
I got very sad and annoyed at one of my close friends yesterday because while she was trying to comfort me in the only way she knows how she still says things that are upsetting and unsettling. it's funny because now that I am typing it out, I realize I have said what she said to me a million times to many other girls. while it is the truth, it still hurts, and I am sorry to the girls I told this to at the time because I thought I was coming from a place that would be comforting to hear the truth, but sometimes, most of the time, with these types of relationship problems, you don't want to hear the truth. Especially because when I tell her the same thing, she thinks the same way I do. It hurts to hear that I am young and that if this relationship doesn't work, that is okay because I have time to find another person who will love me the same, that he isn't the only person who can love me. but I don't want another person. I want him. I want it to work. I don't care if I am young, I don't care if he's my first relationship. he makes me happy, he gets me, he is everything I have ever wanted and more. I never imagined finding someone as good of a person and that can handle my annoying ass like him. while they are not wrong, he may not be the only person who can love me in this world, I don't wanna wait and find another. it took me so long to be found by him, and it just feels right. there is nothing that he is doing wrong for it to end or for me to have to leave him since I am the one that can't get over my own problems in my head. I am the one who needs help and healing mentally, and I know it is not fair to drag him along the way while I do that, but I feel like he understands and still loves me either way. I know that I don't want this to go on for much longer, so that we are truly happy and not having to deal with me like this, so I don't drag him in my mess for much longer, so it's all worth it in the end. I hope I can fix it. for me and us.
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little do you know
I feel like this song describes perfectly how J and I are when it comes to my mental health. I feel like It’s so hard for me like I drive myself crazy for no reason. like I get mad and sad at him for no reason. in my mind, there are reasons, but to me, they are dumb reasons. I make myself even madder at myself for feeling and acting the way I do with or towards him, which then upsets me and makes me sad. all the while, my poor baby J doesn't know what’s going on, but still, he tries to understand and help me in the ways that he can.
I feel like I'm waiting for the inevitable to happen. Like I'm waiting for him to leave me and for me to be heartbroken, although all I want is to be with him forever because I found someone so special and perfect to me.
I think that I hate not being in control of my emotions. I think that is what upsets me the most, the fact that I can't control how I feel or how I react or what I say or why I get upset at/with him. I think that with all these firsts, it’s just so hard for me, and I am a person that likes being in control and in charge. I just don't understand, and I hope that with time, I get better before he grows annoyed at my dumb annoying ass, and decides he doesn't have to deal with me and can find someone who will not act the way I do.
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oh to be a kid again
its been a confusing day. all was well until J’s friends kept interrupting us today. it felt like a million phone calls, I think it was less than 10, either way, was still very annoying to me. I think what upset me was the fact that we had made plans, and I asked twice, and he said that was what we were doing. and instead of telling me, oh the guys wanna go here and do this today, he just waited till he got called a million times, and asked me, do you wanna go to that place? I flat out said no, because I hate that place and we were just there two days ago when I felt like the life and energy all got sucked out of me. it's not that I didn't want to go with him and his friends, but he didn't say that's where they were going and I don't wanna be there. plus I would feel weird going since I would be the only tag along, only girlfriend, the only girl. like I shouldn't be there, even if he wants me to be, I wouldn't feel wanted. I hate feeling that way. I was so mad? I don't know what is wrong with me, I hate myself for acting like this towards him. he tries to fix it and even apologizes when he has no need to really because I was the one with the attitude and I kept pretending like nothing was wrong. although I felt mad, this wasn't one of the times where I was going to say why because the reason was so dumb in my mind.
I have been thinking about how I wish I was just a kid again all day, I didn’t know how to explain it. but as I have been doing the little tasks that I have been telling myself I was going to do for a while now when I had the time, I had a playlist on that had some of my most favorite old songs to sing along to. Million Years Ago by Adele came on and it really hit different because it is exactly how I am feeling. She was 25, and I’m only 20, almost 21, but it’s crazy to feel this way so young. I feel so overwhelmed with everything, I feel like I'm drowning.
“I know I'm not the only one
Who regrets the things they've done
Sometimes I just feel it's only me
Who can't stand the reflection that they see
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky, not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother, I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago”
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