mykastory

[mykastory]

Dating apps suck.

I finally matched with a guy who seemed okay.

He was a strong Christian, Korean American, and a year older than me.

One of his photos was at a place that I had also been, so once we matched, I (uncharacteristically) 먼저 말 걸었어 asking if it was where I thought it was.

Turned out it was, and we ended up chatting for quite some time.

He lived in the same area for much longer than me and offered to be my tour guide.

I had my reservations about him but he sent me his license to prove his age and also his naturalization certificate to show me where he was - on two different days, far enough apart for me not to be suspicious.

With his positive, upbeat attitude and sincere, thoughtful questions, it finally got to a point where I felt a little comfortable with giving him my number.

I was deciding when to let him know that he had worn down my defenses when I suddenly had to go back to Korea because of my father.

Ever since going back to Korea, my dad hadn’t been feeling well. Eventually he 입원했어 and after about 3 weeks, in the span of a week, they found he had a cerebral aneurysm which progressed to hydrocephalus, and then a cyst which turned out to be a tumor and then suddenly spread throughout the brain at a speed that the doctors had never seen before.

My sister had been recording what the doctors said to them so that I could explain it to them in a way that they understood, and once I understood the gravity of the situation, I was torn between whether to go for his funeral or to go now to teach mom and my sis how to take care of him before he passed. I decided the latter made more sense because the funeral is for other people whereas if I went now, it would be for his care which is why I became a nurse in the first place. I booked my ticket and was getting ready, when…

I woke up one morning to a bunch of missed calls and texts from my mom, sis, and BIL.

Got in touch with my sis and she tells me to get on the next plane because my dad took a turn for the worst - his O2 demand kept increasing and making him unstable.

“Oh, and btw… 큰아빠 just passed away too…”

He had recently broken his hip and was in the hospital waiting surgery when a fat embolism hit and he had an MI. He had also been crying for weeks since my dad was hospitalized, “동생을 어떻게 먼저 보내~”

I drove down to my BIL’s house to grab my dad’s favorite suit and got on the next plane to Korea, praying that he would wait for me before he passed.

Luckily I got to Korea in time. I was able to clean up his body and make him feel comfortable before he took his last breath, just four hours after I got there, and two days after his big brother had gone first to pave the way.

I’m so grateful that I was there to be able to take care of things - contacting his friends, funeral arrangements, 삼일장, embalmment, burial… One bit of silver lining is that I was able to redeem myself to a lot of people who thought I was a 깍쟁이 brat! Seeing how well I handled everything and took care of things by myself (“like the son mom and dad never had”) made people see me in a different light. I feel like I got my redemption and that everyone finally sees me for who I really am, which is one of the reasons why I became a nurse. Mission success! Thank you, God.

RIP daddy, I miss you and love you so much. Thank you for everything. You gave up everything for us. I will never forget that and will do everything in my power to honor you and your wishes.

So… during this dark time, I was surprised to see J reach out to me.

When I left, I had texted him from my phone (he had given me his number a while ago but I never had a given him mine), telling him that the tour would have to wait as I had to go to Korea all of a sudden because my dad took a turn for the worst (he knew that he was sick in the hospital and that I was planning on going).

He had some very kind words, and then a few weeks later, sent me a sermon that he thought I might like, followed by a CCM song about a week later.

I was touched by his consistency and contacted him when I got back.

After numerous deep conversations via text and phone, I agreed to meet him for a date.

Against my better judgment, I let him pick me up at my place. My friends pointed out that since I was moving soon, it would be okay.

He came by with a bottle of wine and cake.

“Is this your way of inviting yourself over after our dinner and movie?”

His bday had just passed and he found out that my bday was not too long ago, either, so he said it was “solely for me to enjoy.”

Sure buddy.

We had an early dinner at a cute Italian place near my house and then went to a cafe for coffee/tea.

Great conversation but after an hour with another hour to go before the movie started, I got antsy so we decided to hot box in his car lol

Bad idea. I guess I forgot how paranoid I get when I smoke.

I started to freak out, wondering what would happen if he tried to use his strength against me.

But there’s something I should tell you about him before that.

He confided to me a week or so before we met that he suffered from moyamoya disease and had had a stroke which left his left hand and foot paralyzed.

He said he could walk fine but could only text with his right hand.

It threw me off but I came to terms and was fine with it.

When he picked me up, I noticed him limping but he also said he had hurt his knee so maybe that was it, but then everywhere we went, he would only park in the handicap spot, leading me to believe that the limp was his baseline and not a result of the recent knee pain.

Surely, I could take on a hemiplegic?

Also, side note. Ever since we ate, he had this black piece of something - I’m guessing a spice - stuck in his teeth. I wanted to tell him but I’m really bad at bringing that kind of stuff up. I just let it bother me and ruin my whole image of that person. I know, it’s horrible.

So anyway, up until this point, I was evaluating whether I would be able to handle his hemiplegia and leaning positive because we really clicked emotionally. He checked a lot of my other boxes that were more important, like being a strong Christian and being vocal about how much he cares for and appreciates me. But you know how when you smoke, 사람 내면이 나와? Well, the 내면 of his that I saw wasn’t great. He kinda did a 180 and wasn’t as nice as before and only seemed interested in making out when I was trying to tell him a story.

Since I’m skeeved out by how fast he turned creepy and not really feeling it, I figure I’ll experiment. Let’s not tell him about that thing stuck in his teeth and see how he reacts to it when he gets home and finds out he had that in there all night. Will he be confident enough to brush it off, tell me, and laugh about it? Or will he just be embarrassed and never talk to me again? Or will he pretend like it never happened? Or will he never know that it was there cuz he brushes his teeth as soon as he gets home? Lol

We watched a movie (which he changed last minute -_-), during which he kept trying to kiss me but I tried to stay focused on the screen.

Afterwards, he drove me home and we were sitting in the car - him trying to find some way to get me to let him up and me trying to say goodbye.

I let him have a little fun with me - it never gets old hearing a guy gush about how hot your body is :p - but despite my trying to keep it PG-13 and saying no to his advances, he kept trying to push me further. Honestly, I was a liiiiiiiiitle bit tempted cuz it’s been a long time and I was super horny. But I didn’t want him to think that he could buy his way into my house with a cheap bottle of wine and cake from Publix. Puh-lease. I have more self respect than that.

I started to get annoyed and told him to cool it - and he would, only to try again five mins later.

At some point I got tired of hearing his begging and said goodbye and got out of the car.

He called me after I walked inside and he got back on the road, but he kept saying how he wanted to turn back around and to let him in.

After about a bajillion no’s and 하지마’s, I hung up on him.

He usually sends me a song to wake up to with a good morning text, but there was none the next day.

Just a few casual texts here and there, usually only lasting one or two exchanges.

Is it embarrassment from finding out he had that spice stuck in his teeth?

Did he lose interest cuz I didn’t sleep with him on the first date? Although he did say how endearing he found that I was so “shy” despite our racy texts.

Does he think I rejected him cuz of his hemiplegia?

근데… 안물안궁 ㅋㅋㅋ

The dark side I saw of him is enough to make me lose interest so it doesn’t really matter.

What I do know is that I was able to hold my own.

I used to be afraid to be vocal or disagree or push back against the grain, but apparently, not anymore. I was able to voice how I feel and advocate for myself.

I think it must be from nursing. Ever since I started nursing and learned to advocate for my patient, I feel like that made it easier to advocate for myself.

I was also able to resist physical temptation. Old me would’ve given in to the sexual tension and brought him upstairs, but I knew that the physical connection would strengthen our emotional connection and I didn’t trust him enough to let that happen yet. I tried to explain this to him multiple times but he didn’t seem to understand. *shrug

As bad as it makes me feel, I’m kind of glad that I don’t have to deal with the burden of… him.

I miss the connection we shared, because I really thought he might be the one, but the small bits that he showed me of his dark side were real eye openers. I think you always gotta trust your gut instinct.

I don’t know if i still believe him to be out there…

The original, hopeful part of me does,

but the old, jaded side of me wonders if the reason why I always cried at weddings was because I knew I would never get one…

No… that’s not true… I don’t believe that.

I believe I will find love.

That was the other thing.

The reason why I thought he might be the one is because I met him after I started praying 배우자 기도.

이번은 아니었지만 it was also a great opportunity to help me learn more about myself in a relationship.

Paving the way towards the final one?

[mykastory]

I finally graduated nursing school.

It’s been a rough two years - hell, it’s been a rough 3 years ever since the divorce and COVID started…

But through God’s grace, something beautiful came out of it.

I feel like I found my calling and truly found myself!

Who would’ve thought boy crazy “mykastory” would end up here? I used to be so insecure and all I wanted was for someone else to fulfill me.

Granted, I still have my insecure moments, but now I realize those moments for what they are, and I’m confident in myself without waiting for someone else to complete me.

I’m complete in myself with the Lord.

Thank you God for leading me down this path and for showing me what’s truly important and what really matters.

God is good.

I can’t wait to be a nurse and do His good works, in His name.

Amen.

[mykastory]

It was nice while it lasted…

Finally broke up with SJ.. lasted longer than I thought it would…

사이 좋게 끝났음 좋았으련만.. 역시나 shouldn’t have expected him to be capable of a rational, adult conversation.

Poor thing… wish I could’ve done more for him but he proved himself not to be worthy every time he left at the first hint of a fight.

I wish we could’ve ended on good terms… 어쨌든 그동안 감사했고 I wish him the best…

[mykastory]

It’s been a while since I’ve had time to write an update.

I’ve been busy enough with nursing school but I also started dating again…

Yup…

I know I was adamant about not dating during school and waiting at least until I graduate but 나도 모르게 I started dating this new guy. We’ll call him SJ.

I’ve known him for a couple years through a chat room I joined for Koreans in my area.

We met a few times as a group but only really started getting close after I moved to his area and he ended up joining me and another girl friend I met through the chat for dinner.

Ever since then, he started texting me every once in a while and took me out to dinner a couple times to some nice places which was a plus in my book, but I kept telling him that I wasn’t interested in dating until I graduated because I had to focus on school… which was part truth but also kind of an excuse so I could hang out with him but keep him in the friend zone.

Not that there was anything wrong with him. He seemed like a really nice guy and he was one of those types where all his friends vouch for him that he’s a “nice guy,” you know? But not in a bad way, like the kind where if his wife tells him not to go out, then he won’t.

So anyway, we started hanging out quite a bit and he wanted to go on all these trips so we got together a group of friends and started going to these places together. 그러다 점점 친해지고 연락도 잦아지고… everyone kept asking us when we were we gonna start dating already lol

There was one particular trip we went on, overnight, to go see the fall foliage. We had gotten pretty close by then and he came to pick me up and drive me to our friend’s house cuz we were gonna drive down together in one car. Well, he actually came by the night before so he could help me with grocery shopping and then he slept at his uncle’s house before coming back to pick me up in the morning. He had initially asked if he could sleep over kinda 지나가는 말로? but I was like uhhh no. LOL

Towards the end of the night, we were on the couch and my feet were kinda up against his thighs and he was massaging my feet when one of my friends (MK, the one who I had dinner with when SJ first joined us) pointed it out and asked what was going on with us. We both kinda 얼버무렸어 and just said that we liked each other but didn’t say any more than that. I was still kinda not sure about him because he seemed so timid and 남자가 좀 주도 없고 숫기 없어 보였어.

Well, after that, he came over a few nights for wine night at my place and by then the sexual tension had built up so strong that I was ready to sleep with him. I mean.. it had been over two years since I had been intimate with a guy. I was going crazy! The first time, I had him sleep on the couch and I went in to my room to sleep, but then when he came the next week, I kinda left the door open and invited him in to sleep with me. No, next to me. He came in to sleep and I gave him my best kiss me snuggle but he would NOT make a move. Wtf. I knew he wanted to because he had a boner that wouldn’t die since we were chilling on the couch ever since the first time he came over lol so I wondered what his deal was. Plus, we had kissed.. or, well, 뽀뽀’ed a few times one night.. I don’t remember if it was the night he came in to sleep “next to me” or the time before that… Anyway, I was getting super horny frustrated!

So a few weeks after that, we all went to MK’s place for a “moving out” party. We were used to spending the weekend together already so he was gonna drive back to my place and then we were gonna go drop off his car at the dealer to get an oil change and then go for a beer at an outdoor brewery because it was great 야맥 weather.

We shared a burger and had a drink there and started talking about our relationship and I told him what made me so hesitant to date him. I had gotten fond of our friend group and I was worried that if we started dating but then broke up, it would make things awkward and I would lose the group and the chat. Plus, I really had to focus on studying and I didn’t have time to date - although my grades had gone up since I started hanging out with him! He said he understood and then we picked up his car and went back to my place.

We were eating dinner and he started talking about what we should call each other - he had mentioned this before and I always told him I like to be called 누나 but he would always agree to call me that and then NOT. So anyway, 애칭 어느정도 정리하고 저녁 먹고 얘기하고 있는데 he referenced that today was our 1일 and I’m like huh?? when did we decide to go officially go out? And he said that we had 정리했어 that talk at the brewery. I was like uh… that wasn’t my takeaway from it… but eventually gave in and decided, fine. Today is our 1일. Well it also became the day of our first real kiss, but then he got too drunk and started to annoy the shit out of me… so that was kind of bleh…

He also told me that he had been 참아ing because he wasn’t sure where we were at but once we had 정리했어 our relationship, or well, not that first night but the next night we were together, we finally did it! He’s a bit on the shorter side so I was worried about his lower friend but oh man he filled me up quite nice lol

So now we’re dating and he’s great for the most part… sweet (at times), caring (at times), and we have a lot of fun together, just the two of us, but also with other friends. He’s a lot more good about sexual frequency (if that’s a thing lol) than any of my other recent exes so that’s a major plus.

But there’s just… some things that bother me…

First of all, one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t wanna date him to begin with is because I couldn’t see myself marrying him. He’s like… total Korean Korean and even though he seems to understand what I say in English, for the most part, sometimes I want to be able to have an intellectual conversation in English, you know? Which brings me to another reason… he’s really… a simpleton. Like… not really much depth. Maybe some might say that’s a good thing, but if we can’t even enjoy the same movies/ shows, that makes it hard to find things to do when we’re together, you know?

Also, I feel like he’s already started to get a little lazy about being a “good significant other.” Sometimes I’ll ask him to grab some wine on his way over even though I might already have a bottle at home because I want an extra as back up in case I want more or he drinks some, but he’ll be like “I’m good, I’ll just drink beer,” but then end up drinking my wine anyway and I’m like wtf… Or we’ll be talking about what to eat and he’ll just be like “간단하게 먹자” with whatever I have at home but then it makes it difficult for me because I have to get stuff ready and, also, that stuff don’t come cheap, you know?

Is that my bad…? Me being stingy? He pays for most things, but I do pay maybe about 1/3, cost wise. But he also knows I’m in school and not working and he’ll say “I got you” but then lets me pay…

I dunno… Am I being too hard on him? Or is it okay for me to be?

Another friend of ours, O and Y are dating and O is totally heads over heels for Y but Y, not so much…. more just dating out of boredom and hoping the feelings will come along but they’re not so she doesn’t know what to do and feels super guilty… I feel like that’s how I started but, of course, 금사빠 me fell for him but then now I feel like I’m falling back out cuz he’s not as sweet and attentive as he used to be and because I’ve seen some warning signs.

But no guy is perfect, right? Will there ever be a guy that doesn’t give me those warning signs?

I dunno… for now, I’m just going along with it because the sex is good and the company is good but if either of those goes away down the line, I guess it’s good bye? But then does that make me a biatch?

I dunno…

[mykastory]

I think it’s been almost 2 years since my last update… COVID def made time fly!

I’m on my last week of my first semester of nursing school. I can’t believe I’m doing it!

I had given up after getting waitlisted from the one school I had applied to and spent a year doing absolutely nothing but planning how to get out and live on my own. And then dad got diagnosed with lung cancer… thank God they caught it early but it reawakened me to the dream of becoming a nurse and I got my application together and applied to all the programs with deadlines that hadn’t passed yet for the next semester. I found one particular program that looked great and had great stats - some people spend years getting their application ready to apply here but from deciding I wanted to go to applying, it took me a little over a month! And I got in!!

God really does work in mysterious ways. If I had gone to the previous school, I would’ve ended up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt but now I’m in a program that costs a fraction of that and will end up being able to sit for the same NCLEX-RN and have my employer pay for the BSN bridge program (or MSN if I decide to do that).

My dog and I are out living on our own in a nice apartment and I finally have the peace of mind that I’ve always wanted. I never thought that at this age I would have fulfilled this dream to be able to be out on my own (with my dog) and not in my sister or anyone else’s shadow. But here I am, living the life. I’m so happy!

I also joined a new Korean-American church with a great community and the fellowship has been really nice.

All in all, I’m so grateful to God for this time and opportunity and I truly believe that, if you ask, he will guide you down a wonderful path.

너무너무 감사합니다 ❤️

[mykastory]

I think it’s officially been a year since I’ve been divorced.

Would’ve checked my diary but it’s not really a date I wanna remember...

It’s amazing how time flies.

Maybe it’s the depression kicking in from the subconscious realization of the one-year mark... I didn’t realize it until I started feeling inexplicably sad and then realized the date (that internal clock is pretty damn crazy)...

Every time I think about how boy crazy I was and how that was the ONLY thing on my mind, it makes me sick.

I can’t believe how pathetic I was!

Or how sad...

Seeing my sis J and BIL’s relationship and how they work through problems has been really eye opening... You know how when you’re fighting with someone but then there’s that point where God softens your heart and love takes over? I realized this NEVER happened with S... I was always waiting for it to happen to him but it never did... always the robot and I let him get away with it.. maybe if he had to work harder for it in the beginning, he would’ve cherished me more.. I should’ve listened to all those signs that told me to walk away when we were dating... but I drowned them in my sick view of “love” and let him have his way and walk all over me...

Taking developmental psych (for the nursing prereq) has been really helpful, too, because it’s been helping me understand why I “turned out” the way I did...

Reflecting back just confirmed my worst fears though...

I basically have no personality and everything I am is just mirrored behavior - most of it being from J... who is..... sigh... trapped in her own weird world...

Yeah, I still have residual tendencies to blame her, but, given my epiphany (epiphanies?) that shit doesn’t matter anymore.

What matters now is moving past it, learning to recognize those triggers, and choosing to do and think differently, rather than just acting on emotion.

BIL has been really helpful in teaching me how to be more confident and assertive..

And watching Good Witch has been helpful... I’m trying to be as soft/wise spoken as Cassie ㅋㅋ

I just need to stay motivated and true to myself...

God help me...

[mykastory]

It’s my 35th bday today..

Finally back in America while my parents wait for the house to go out.. long story how that happened but suffice it to say I did NOT want to leave them there and come here alone with my doggo but maybe it was for the better..

The past few months being in lockdown in Korea cuz of corona was super depressing and I felt like I hit rock bottom.. 35, divorced, stuck in 신혼집 with my parents unable to move on... 그 새끼 진짜 원망 많이 했어..

But it also got me to self reflect a lot and I made a vow to focus on myself from now on and not be blinded by my chase for what I believe will make me happy.

Trust in God and his path for you.

I’ve always believed this to be true and now is no different. This whole experience has made me grow and God led me to a major decision: to go back to school to get my ABSN and become an RN.

I’ve always wanted to be a more 당당한, strong, confident woman and I feel that this will help in so many aspects. I know this is a step towards the right direction and for the first time in a long time, I’m soooo excited!!!

앞으로 흔들림 없이 예수님만 바라보고 살면서 I want to do my best to do good in God’s eyes. Hence the “coming without my parents” because they insisted so freaking hard and I wanted to “그냥 아빠 엄마 말 들어.”

So much 서두 when really all I came here to say is that I realized how grateful I am that he left me..

Because I would never have been able to leave him..

He gave me so many chances to... in his unwillingness to compromise or give in or forgive whenever we had a fight... but I so foolishly 받아줬어 it all. I should have walked away when I had the chance.. but then I may not have learned such a valuable lesson.

I should have put myself first. In putting him first, I devalued myself and ultimately, he followed suit. It was always his needs first in the relationship and now that I’m out...

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

Never again.

At least I gave it my all. As much as it hurt, I did everything in my power to try and make things work, so I have no regrets.

It’s a shame he’s doing so poorly.. one of the girls from that group reached out to me so we met up and she told me how shocked she was when shit went down (“G’s crazy I’m worried about him”). She also told me he was doing pretty miserably.. living with his mom and helping G and A out with jobs here and there for money.. apparently A and him are inseparable now and they’re constantly drinking and getting out-of-hand drunk.. 쯧쯧... she told A she was meeting me so he knew but he didn’t wanna tell S cuz he was afraid S would come to our old house and try to see me...

He left cuz he didn’t wanna be “manipulated” anymore and fell right into hands of the biggest, worst manipulator of them all... ㅠㅠ I seriously pray for his soul and hope to God that he finds his way...

But thank God that’s outta my hands now.

Still trying to figure out “who am I” but this time it’s v2.0.

No being afraid or ashamed or insecure of who I am.

Just be me. Focus on making myself better and keep my eyes on Jesus.

This is me.

[mykastory]

I’m so mad at him.

S.

We promised to spend the rest of our lives together and he just up and fucking bounced.

I feel so empty and I don’t know what to do.

We had plans... plans to move to NC and live a happy life watching the store for half the year and traveling for half the year until we had babies and whatevs...

Now...

혼자서 뭐해?

I wanna get away from my family... J, my sister, is a bit toxic and makes me hate the world and everything in it...

But she’s also a great person and will give me her kidney if I asked for it, so I can’t leave her...

Fuck...

Is it my family that’s fucked?

up?

어른이 되면 나가서 자기 인생 살아야하는게 맞는 건가?

That was a thing that JH and I always clashed with... He always said that to me and couldn’t understand why i was 굴복해ing to every word J said... But to me that was very weird... 가족이면 원래 그렇게 해줘야되는거 아닌가? S understood even though his family was shit...

I’m so confused... I don’t know what’s what and who I am...

[mykastory]

Me 2.0

I met a new guy...

It kinda happened outta nowhere...

A few months after the divorce was made official, I had another crazy work month with three shoots back to back. The guy I met was a part of the first shoot. He was filling in for a regular that we usually have, but in the two~three? days that he filled in, we got to talking and got along pretty well.

Never thought I'd see him again until I was in Busan for the second shoot...

I had heard from him that he was going to be in Busan, too, because it was the same week as BIFF. What I didn’t know was that the other guy that was on the shoot (not the usual but there was one other... I call him Pooh cuz he reminds me of Winnie the Pooh haha) Anyway, so Pooh randomly texts me while I’m in Busan, asking how I’m doing down there - turns out he’s there too and heard from JH (the new guy) that I would be there too. As it happens, I was having a pretty damn shitty day and told him so, to which he asked to grab 치맥 after work.

He came by the hotel I was staying at and we grabbed chicken n beer next door. It was mostly just me listening to him as he told me how him and JH had talked about how great and nice I was during the shoot and how I seemed like a 현모양처 type. I guess it was kind of a big deal how nice I was to them - they deal with a lot of 통역s in their line of work, but they never had someone 챙겨줘 them like I did. Of course I did cuz I wasn’t JUST the 통역 for the shoot. I was the producer, but they didn’t know that. Plus, I like 챙겨줘ing stuff for people cuz when I'm working on a shoot and no one 챙겨줘s me to eat the good stuff, too, then I get sad haha

Anyway, he kept saying let’s have a 송별회 since I was leaving for the states soon and planned to come by tomorrow, again, with Mr. H (the usual guy) and maybe JH, too.

Next day, Pooh tells me Mr. H can’t make it, but JH can. Pooh might get off late so he tells me to grab a beer with JH, first, and then he’ll join us. But then 갑자기 he calls me at around 9 or 10? telling me to come downstairs. Not sure what’s going on so I tell him I’ll be down in five minutes and quickly get dressed and go down.

As I meet him downstairs, he tells me to get in the car so 얼떨결에 I get in the car and he starts driving off.

I’m so confused, have no idea what’s going on, and am starting to wonder if I made a mistake... How well do I know this guy, anyway? Where the hell is he going?!

There's this other guy in the passenger seat, he appears to be their 통역. I only know cuz I said something in English and he kinda responded or something like that. I dunno. It's fuzzy cuz it was a while ago...

Anyway, Pooh is on the phone with someone else, telling him not to forget to grab blah blah and to stand outside the blah blah.

The car stops, the door opens, and all of a sudden, JH gets in the car.

He looks as surprised to see me as I do.

We're both wondering what the heck is going on, when Pooh suddenly stops the car in the middle of the road and tells JH to take the wheel and that he'll call when he's done.

둘다 당황해서 멈칫하다가 he jumps into the front seat and drives to their hotel - Pooh had told him to take me up to their room and "TV 보면서 맥주 한잔 하고 있어."

We both felt it might be weird to go to a hotel room, just the two of us, so we ended up going to a bar down the street.

전날 Pooh랑 얘기했을때에 비해 대화도 너무 잘 흘러가고 (with Pooh, it was more like me listening, rather than having a conversation), I ended up telling him about the divorce.

It's not like I meant to... 무슨 얘기하다 it kept becoming inconvenient to mention who or what I was talking about, so I ended up just telling him.

He took it pretty well and said a few kind words to make me feel better...

Ohhhh righhhttttt!

And then I found out about Pooh's shadiness.

The night before, Pooh had told me that he doesn't have a girlfriend.. that he has a "fuck buddy" but not a girlfriend... but then I found out from JH that he DOES have a girlfriend. We were trying to figure out why he lied to me.. cuz he went wayyyyy out of his way to lie to me.. It wasn't just like a simple "no" but rather a long story about how they never really see each other, and when they do, all she does is play games on her phone so he gets mad and he barely sees her cuz she's always away at work and they just pretty much watch each others' dogs.

HA-HA.

We were trying to figure out why he would've lied... JH concluded that it was better to lie that way than to explain that they were living together even though they weren't married. Eh. Not like that's a big deal but maybe he's super traditional Korean. Molla. That may have been his conclusion, but mine was that Pooh was interested in me and lied on purpose. JH refused to support that theory.

I told him that I might feel awkward if Pooh comes (this was before either of us had made our conclusions and when we were still wondering what the heck was going on) so he told Pooh that I was really tired and would probably leave soon.

Anyway, we went outside to smoke and someone was coming by or something.. I don't remember.. but he put his hand behind my back in a protective manner and I totally 심쿵했어. He was so.... kind and 매너있어 that I was kinda starting to fall for him. But I knew he had a girlfriend.

Oh right!!!

This part is soooo important.

He had a girlfriend.

I remember him telling me when we were on the shoot together and that's why I had put him out of my mind.

So anyway, he does that, so I turn to him and I say,

"Do you always just touch any girl like that?"

And he's like why?

And I'm like

"설레어요."

Okay. So let me clarify.

I actually said this in kind of a bitchy way.

He had said a few bitingly harsh? words to me, so this was my way of telling him to back off. I mean, what girl doesn't 설레 when this cute guy touches her?!

근데 문제가!!!!

When I told this to a few girlfriends, they were like, dude... you were totally hitting on him.

Whatever. I wasn't.

Anyway, Pooh comes and he's in SUCH a rush to get me home - I guess it's cuz I said I was tired.

JH offered to drive me home but Pooh insisted that he put me in a cab, which he did, and then gave the cab driver money which was really sweet but also further confirmed that I was right about his feelings...

When I got home, I texted JH to say thanks, but while I was typing, he texted me first asking if I got in okay.

몇번 카톡 주고 받다 - with both JH and Pooh, reporting to me that they were eating and sending me the same foodie pic haha - that was that.

The next day, I had a bit of a fiasco at the airport with the crew and then had two or so hours to kill so I texted him thinking he might be at the airport (cuz they usually are a lot the first couple days).

He wasn't, but after that, he would keep texting me every so often which became pretty much every day after a day or two...

He was really nice and supportive while I was working the third shoot, offering to pick me up and give me rides and stuff, but I still felt kinda weird cuz I knew he had a girlfriend and I wouldn't be so happy if my boyfriend was contacting this other girl as often as he was contacting me.

During the last leg of my shoot, he came by my house cuz he was working in the area and we had a smoke together before he left... and then we went to go watch a movie a few days after that...

연락이 너무 잦아지니깐 I asked him if his gf was okay with him contacting me and meeting me like that, to which he told me they broke up.

I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he said cuz technically it was none of my business.

I tried to explain to him my point of view, but he didn't seem to understand.

"내가 알아서 하는데 왜 문제야?"

Eh...

That was the first red flag.

Regardless, now that he was "free," we started 본격적으로 dating.

Everything was pretty good at first.

He made me feel special and loved to the point where I wondered what the hell I was doing the past four or so years.

To be honest, he was more of a rebound/ expiration dating for me than something serious, since I'm moving to the states at the end of the month (which he knows, too) but he started talking about things pretty seriously which scared me but then his actions didn't really match up so I was confused... We fought a few times because he didn't like me talking about S... This was really strange to me, because I thought this was a part of dating and getting to know each other... Getting to know each others' pasts is important so you know where the other person comes from and it becomes easier to understand them... But everytime I talked about S, he would get upset, and one time it got to the point where he was so upset with me that he said,

"Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing the 똥치워ing."

What the fuck?

Who says that???

어쨌든... 싸우기만 하면 너무 막말하고 I saw a scary side of him that I didn't like. Plus, he didn't understand what it meant to make sacrifices for family and didn't handle it well when I was busy helping my sister plan her wedding and wasn't able to 챙겨줘 him -_-

Regardless, 계속 만났다... Even though I wondered if he was more like L and only dating me as an investment for his future, I had way too much time on my hands and all my friends were lost in the shit that went down with S...

It was still good at times...

I think what actually made me decide to end things was meeting A and J again...

Let's start with J since he's short and easy... ㅋㅋ

I met J when I first came to Korea and was teaching English.

He was the only decent guy there, so naturally, boy crazy me had a crush on him haha

He never really returned the feelings, but after that, he ended up becoming good friends with my sister.

At the wedding after party, he was hitting on me like crazy and even took me home to make sure I got home okay and apparently keeps asking my sister about me.

Meh. I'm not into him anymore but it was flattering at least ㅋㅋ

Then, there's A.

My sister always tried to hook us up but it never worked out and he ended up marrying someone else, until...

I was supposed to sing at my sister's wedding with another guy, but he ended up not being able to make it and so my sister asked A because A is also a famous singer-songwriter. He usually hates singing at weddings, so she was just gonna ask him to help me with my song that I planned to sing alone.

Well, she goes to ask him, and turns out he's fresh going through a divorce right now, too...

It happened a couple weeks before my sister's wedding so he was going through a really rough time but still agreed to help me (which actually turned into him and I singing a duet which was awesome btw :))

As we practiced the song together, we kinda got to talking a bit more, and it was just really nice talking to him... in English, something I wasn't able to do with JH.

At this point, especially with JH in the picture, I hadn't talked about S in a while, but talking about it with A after some time helped me 정리해 a lot of things and was really helpful...

Plus, seeing how hard he was pushing to keep their marriage from falling apart and praying to God about it made me realize what I had been missing with S...

Both A and JH made me realize that I wasn't married to a husband.

I was married to a child.

These past four years weren't a relationship with a man... it was with a son.

That's why I was so unhappy and stressed and lashing out...

JH actually helped me in this respect, a lot, which I'm thankful for... He showed me what it meant to date a man that cares for you, not a boy that you need to care for.

A showed me how important it is for your husband to be a God loving/ fearing man. Well, S made me understand this, too, but it helped to see someone who walked the walk...

Anyway, getting back to JH, as the relationship progressed, his true colors started to show, as did mine.

He was just a typical Korean guy. He would ask me things like,

"If I came home after work, would you draw me a foot bath?"

Eh...

"I'll probably be busy making dinner."

"Is it that hard to draw up some water?"

Eh.

Wtf.

근데 내가 그렇게 반응하니깐 he's all,

"I guess you're not as 착해 as I thought."

WTF?!

My true colors showed, too.

When I say that, I mean that I realized who I am is heavily dependent on who I'm with.

I don't know if this makes me sound like I have some weird personality disorder or whatever, but I realized that I'm a different person depending on who I'm with. 맞춰주는 성격이니깐...

For example,

Being with JH made me a little more crabby, cuz he would always 지적질 about my clothes or my appearance and even went so far as to tell me that I have shitty taste and that everything I buy should be cleared through him... -_-

When I'm with A, I feel bright and happy and it shows...

I need to meet someone that brings out the best in me...

Where are you?

Ugh this post is sooo all over the place but I guess that’s how I feel right now... Can’t even write clearly... ㅠㅠ

Maybe I DO need to gtfoutta here...

[mykastory]

It’s over.

Where’s my happy ending?

Not here.

It’s over.

I can’t believe it’s over.

And in the most fucked up, 황당한 way ever.

About a month and a half ago, we were over at a friend’s place for game night when all of a sudden, one of our friends G got pissed for seemingly no reason and wanted to leave. I asked him what was wrong and he says,

“You.”

?!?!?!

Now this guy is kinda..... unique. He’s super smart in certain ways but also the “nerdy gamer type.” He wouldn’t tell me what he was pissed about and just stormed out.

The rest of our friends and I tried to figure out what had happened but no one could and they reassured me that he had done this before with some of them but that he would probably get over it and apologize.

After that night, I talked to his girlfriend and she said that I can be a bit “intense” and “aggressive” sometimes... She gave this example of this one time that I said, “Sit down, bitch!” to her on the subway when I was 양보해줘ing the seat to her... The context here is that G had kept saying that to her that night so I was just imitating him... but she didn’t get that and of course dumbass me didn’t even recall saying this to her until later and I never got the chance to explain... ㅠㅠ

Either way, I reached out to G to apologize,

“I just want to apologize if my actions and words were aggressive to you. I know sometimes I do try to be a bit meaner like you guys are when you’re joking around with each other but maybe it just comes out weird or I’m doing it wrong... I’m really sorry. I didn’t know it bothered you so much and I will definitely work on refraining from making comments like that... blah blah blah.... I hope you know it doesn’t come from a bad place and I totally respect you... blah blah... I feel really horrible that it got to a point to make you fed up with me and I hope we can talk and work things out.” (blah blahs are stuff taken out for anonymity).

To which he replied,

“I realized what the core of the issue might be. I think we’ve learned that it’s not always easy to see the line between playful teasing and bullying but I think I have some insights that might be useful.”

He went on to list these things...

- Teasing his gf for not drinking. (one time that I remember... S and I bought a round of shots for everyone and despite me saying that G’s gf didn’t drink, he bought her one anyway. When she didn’t finish, I said, “‘***, lame!” But that was it. No shit.)

- Stopping a friend from napping at a party when she was exhausted. (I was just trying to include her and wanted to get to know her better... Besides, who sleeps at a house party?!)

- Joking about S being an inadequate partner. (인정... I wanted validation because whenever I addressed actions that upset me, he would never understand or 인정 so I thought if I brought it up amongst friends and they chided him for it, he would understand... I know, not the best move. That’s why 인정.)

- Bemoaning G for playing his favorite game. (It. was. a. joke. We had a shoot together the day before and it was basically filming him playing a buncha games. The game night was the day after that so when I walked in and found him playing the same game, by himself, when everyone else was talking to each other and socializing, I jokingly said, “Hey G, didn’t you get enough of that yesterday? Haha.” And that’s what pissed him off....)

And then he goes on to say that for the guys, “trash talk is mutual... blah blah... A battle for social status might be appropriate in a HS or college setting but seems unnecessary and unfun among friends in their 30s... But that’s just me. If you feel that I’m being overly sensitive, I’m happy to accept and move on.”

Wtf?!

I know I can be mean sometimes, but wanting the “power” (S’s interpretation of the words... He had been the one trying to make me more like one of the guys so I could be invited to guy’s night which mostly consists of going to PC bang to play FPS games which I love but I was always excluded because it was only something that happened when the other girls weren’t there cuz they don’t like playing PC games...) could not be further from the truth.

Regardless, I tried to apologize again and thanked him for bringing this to my attention because if he really felt I was a bully and “everyone else thinks so, too,” according to him, then it must be true.

“I can see now.... I want to fix this... I appreciate you addressing the issue because it’ll help me analyze the dynamic to understand what’s okay and what’s not... I hope in the future if anything like this happens again, you feel comfortable enough to pull me aside and let me know how you feel before it gets to a point where you’re so fed up that you explode.”

He never texted back and I was feeling so wretched about the whole thing that S and I decided to go visit my uncle to get away from the city with my family.

We talked about the incident while we were there, and he was trying to piece together how my actions may have come off as bullying and we spent some time trying to distinguish between “bullying” and “teasing.” Other than that, we had a relaxing time and had to come back home before going to 산소 on Saturday.

On the way back home from 산소, we dropped off my parents at their house and were on our way back home when A calls S. He asked to hang out but we had to go home because of the dogs. To this, he says,

“Well, both of you don’t have to go...”

Wtf man.... that’s some messed up shit. But A was on speakerphone and I told him to go cuz you know how A is about that kind of stuff.

S thinks that A wants to talk about what happened, and surprise, surprise G is with A, too. So I drop him off to meet them and I go home.

Before this, I hadn’t shown S any of the texts between me and G because I didn’t want to get him involved and feel like he had to play middle man, but he wanted to at least see the last text I had sent, for reference, so I showed him before he went to go meet them.

He texted me while he was with them, at first, telling me not to worry and that he’ll 잘 얘기해줘 for me, but when he got home, he didn’t really seem to want to talk about it.

We ended up talking the next morning and he tried to help me understand G’s perspective. Basically, G thought I was a master manipulator, power hungry sociopath but he didn’t want to have anything to do with it. G also took the fact that I hadn’t shown S our text chain to use to say I was manipulating S and withholding facts. WTF?! Regardless, S said he’d help me get through this and we were supposed to have dinner at his mom’s house but he understood if I wasn’t up for it.

I didn’t end up going to his mom’s place and tried to sleep before he came home because I still felt like such a wreck from the whole G situation and was majorly depressed because it broke my heart to think that all my so-called “friends” thought I was some power-hungry mean girl...

I used to be a cheerleader in HS and they think of me as the former mean girl, but that’s so far from the truth because I was bullied so damn hard and always made it a point to reach out to others who were being bullied or were in need of love... But of course none of them know this shit. Well, A does but hell would freeze over before he took my side after all the shit that happened.

The next morning I woke up to hear him leaving the house to walk the dogs and he left me a text saying that I should eat something and that he wanted to talk when he got back.

I was still seriously depressed and I wasn’t quite ready to talk... And I hadn’t checked the message before he came back so when he DID get back, I was still in the room and he texts me suddenly in this cold ass tone saying,

“You can’t avoid this. You have a decision to make and I will not wait forever.”

Something along those lines. I erased all our messages, since, so I can’t write it down verbatim like I usually do.

I didn’t know where this hostility and coldness came from all of a sudden and I asked him why he was talking like that to which he kept robotically responding,

“Like I said, I won’t wait forever. You must make a decision.”

Wtf? I had absolutely no idea what decision he was talking about as there was absolutely no context there and I was so hurt by his sudden change of attitude... This went on for about 20 texts and I ended up leaving the house because I was so upset and couldn’t get through to him.

I was gone for about 3 nights? First 2 nights I stayed at a motel near the house and then the third night I wanted a change of pace (place?) so moved to a different motel...

I had been keeping in touch with my sister and BIL during this situation and BIL called me out that third day to buy me dinner and tell me what happened between him and S because S had called him to talk.

Basically, BIL got super pissed at S and almost walked out on him a couple times because he said S was sounding completely like a robot and nothing seemed to get through to him. He said S wasn’t making any sense and was saying all these ridiculous things that BIL was so close to smacking him upside the head but he prayed a lot and 참았어 and tried to talk some reason into him but to no avail.

The next day, I got chased out of the room by a damn cockroach UGH GROSS. My sister told me S had called her and wanted to talk to her, too, and told me to go home and try to talk to him after she talked to him.

When they talked, she tried to be on his side but told me that it was super frustrating and that she wanted to scold him several times for being a child but prayed and 참았어 a lot too. She tried to be as compassionate as possible and sent him home telling him that I would be there, waiting for him, and I told him the same via text.

When he got home...

I actually don’t remember...

What I do remember is that over the next three days, he basically tried to “help me realize what was wrong with me” and get to the “root cause” of what my problem was. He wanted to “see if I was capable of change” and that if I “continue down this road, I can’t go with you. I’m fully prepared to be the asshole in your family’s eyes and leave you.”

This consisted of him interrogating me on why I did the things that I did to our friends and getting me to see how I manipulated him and our relationship. Whenever he asked me a question about some of my behaviors, nothing I said seemed to satisfy him. I tried to relate back to an example where our situation was flipped around and we were in each others’ shoes, to which he would keep deflecting back to me, saying,

“We’re talking about you right now. Not me. We can get to me later.”

I asked if we can work on mending our relationship, but even to that,

“Not now. We can get to that later.”

Super frustrating.

(I later found out that he was using the “detect a covert aggressor” clues and was using these questions as a trigger to try and get responses that satisfied him... But, fuck, it was already apparent that he made up his mind about me and that he used this as a guise to “try everything in my power to make things right with her.” 뻑이나...)

After a lot, a lot, a LOT of talking and crying (me, not him), he finally broke me and got me to admit that maybe I was a horrible person that thought I was better than everyone else and that’s why I looked down on his friends.

There’s a certain amount of truth there, and I was broken enough to expand on it in a hypothetical. I never really thought of them as MY friends. They were HIS friends, before they were mine. Plus, there was all that shit that happened with A, which resulted in me treating him not so nice sometimes, and I know that’s bad and not very God-loving of me. I honestly just thought of them all as my little 후배s because they kinda were... S’s friends and by extension, my 후배s...  I admitted to all of this and my conclusion was that I needed to make things right and that I also need God back in my life to learn to love others around me more rather than judge

Despite my “breakthrough,” he didn’t understand or agree to the need for God and brought this up as another “issue” and wasn’t sure if he was “okay” with this being my conclusion.

At that point, I was so broken and depressed that all I could think of was suicide.

I wondered if it would be better to jump out the window or from the roof... Or if I should just take a buncha pills...

I realized, then, that I had to get out of there before doing anything I truly regret and can’t reverse.

I told him I needed to go home to clear my head a bit and he agreed.

When I got home, I was basically dead.

I had barely eaten for the past week and my mom said I looked like a walking corpse...

My sister and BIL tried to help me through a lot of it and told me that I should try to work things out with him and admit to what I did wrong, but be careful not to apologize for anything that I DIDN’T do.

Which is exactly what I did.

Of course, I did a lot of soul searching, too. The thing that I remember the most is that my BIL said to be true to who I am. Which is so important, now that I realize... I was always sitting around, waiting for S to notice me and trying so hard to be the one for him that I completely 무시했어 myself and who I am. I was basically a fuckin pushover, and my unhappiness there came out in other areas.

S came by to talk to me once or twice, but when I tried to address that realization I had, it was met, again, with the same response;

“This isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

He also met with my sister a couple times, and she said that it seemed like he was changing every day.... Like her words would get through to him, but then be pushed back... 계속 back and forth, basically.

In our talks during and after that, he talked about:

- How I made him feel bad for going out to meet his friends when he had no reason to feel bad (we would be on our way home after work and had plans to eat and whatever but then his friends would call for a “guys night” WHY ALWAYS A GUYS NIGHT?! and despite me telling him to go and that I would love to have the house to myself, he would feel bad for going but blame his feeling bad on me.)

- He never wanted to get married in the first place and that’s why he was probably pushing off the wedding. (This one really pissed me off more than anything because I’ve always, from day one, been so cautious not to force him to do ANYTHING because I didn’t want him 원망해ing me for it. I ended a friendship with one of my best friend’s for forcing him to think about how he feels about me!!  And now he’s saying that I forced him into this relationship?! When a year ago he was telling me that, no matter what, even if it’s the smallest of the smallest, he wants to “give me a wedding”?!)

- I wasn’t supportive enough in his businesses and when he told me he was worried about having to start over in the US (we were supposed to move back after the RR failed but then he wanted to try out his PP so we built that together but that ALSO failed) I told him that it was just cold feet. All this made him question himself and he realized that he couldn’t make his own decisions or trust his own gut, and that was my fault. (REALLY?! Sitting countless hours at the store with him, paying for EVERYTHING, putting aside everything I wanted to fit his needs, and he has the gall to tell me that I wasn’t supportive enough and that I made him doubt himself?! He doesn’t think any of this doubt has to do with the fact that his past THREE businesses failed, first one of which was with A, and he left because A was a “manipulative 개새끼,” his words. And now he was saying that A is such a good friend to him???)

- He felt I “lied by omission” in not telling him how Christian my family was. He knew I was, but when we went to 산소 and were 찬양 and 예배드려ing he said he felt really uncomfortable and realized how lonely he would be if I made all these Christian friends in the US. (DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING LONELY I FELT IN THAT GODLESS GROUP WITH ALL YOUR NON-CHRISTIAN FRIENDS?! INCLUDING THE FUCKER THAT WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO WEDGE A NAIL BETWEEN US THAT YOU NOW CALL A BEST FRIEND?!)

As the talks evolved, basically what he wanted from me was to admit that I had “emotionally abused him.”

His words. Not mine.

“Physical abuse is a lot easier, cuz you can see the scars. Emotional abuse is not as clear cut.’

I told him that I probably wasn’t as loving and supportive as I could have been. We were both at our worst and in a horrible, difficult situation, and we both needed to address these problems.

“Nope. I need you to admit that you manipulated and emotionally abused me.”

I admitted to the manipulation. I had to. Because the way he saw it, “Short of anything illegal, you’ll do anything to get your way.”

In part, it’s true.

Because to him, manipulation, in any shape or form, is bad.

Hiding vegetables in a meal to force your kid to eat vegetables?

Just as bad as having someone co-sign a loan that you know you won’t pay back.

According to him.

Plus, I sat around waiting for him because I felt he was the one, no matter how hard and depressing it was...

So I admitted it.

But what I couldn’t admit was the emotional abuse.

After admitting to the manipulation, though, he seemed to feel a bit better. He told me that “they” had diagnosed me as a covert aggressor.

To very, very briefly summarize, it’s a person who uses these tactics to inadvertently manipulate a person. Tactics such as minimizing fault (it’s not that big a deal) or putting the example back on the other person... Honestly, it sounded like such bullshit to me. He used the SAME “tactics” on me, but how does that make me the only covert aggressor?!

“Just because a person checks off some boxes in a column doesn’t mean that person is what it says. You check off a lot of the sociopath boxes, but that doesn’t make you one, does it?”

I said to him. To which he replied,

“We’re not talking about me right now.”

UGH!!!

After I confronted him with my thoughts on this “theory,” he said he felt like I was regressing and this wasn’t going to go anywhere, and finally said,

“I want a divorce.”

During this time, I had asked him to go a marriage counselor because I absolutely did not agree with a lot of the things he was saying and I really felt like we needed an unbiased, third party professional, but he said he would only do that if A was the third party.

WTF?!?!?!? How is he an unbiased third party?!?!?!

Sigh.

So yeah. That was that.

“Ok.”

I was fucking broken and didn’t have the strength or grace to argue.

A week later, we were at the court house to file for divorce.

A month later we were there to finalize it.

You know what's even more ridiculous?

After we finalized the divorce, we came out of the court house and he asked to go get coffee. I really didn’t want to but ended up going because he kept saying he didn’t want things to end this way.

After some small talk, he says,

“We had a good run though, yeah? Lotta fun times.”

“Really? Despite all that emotional abuse?”

“...”

그치... 할말 없지 개새끼야...

And then he says,

“A really misses you...”

“I’ll believe that if he ever says it to me.”

S had suggested I talk to A about the whole situation to “recognize the severity” of it when all this was happening, so I did.

A basically said I could be mean sometimes (I know... I was intentionally mean to him cuz he was an asshole...) and that he was really upset when I first started dating S because we were seeing each other at the time.

NO WE WERE NOT!!!

I was dating JH and he was dating this other girl (which he actually lied to me about for quite some time) so I had no idea wtf he was talking about but I was still broken, now submissive me at the time, so I just let it go.

He also said he still loves me and will accept me as I am, blah blah... but funny thing is he never talked to me again after that...

I also talked to G during all that to show S I was making amends and he went on and on saying that he didn’t feel I was truly sorry because he doesn’t believe a word I say and that he thinks I’m a social mastermind manipulator (HA! I wish! That’s A, not me!) and he’s scared of me...

Left me speechless... I’m a master manipulator for “bemoaning” about you playing games and not wanting a friend I’ve been asked to get close with to sleep? How am I the master manipulator and not A?!

Anyway, that was that... and I haven’t heard from S since.

Actually, he called me about 2 weeks ago at 3 in the morning... twice... I didn’t pick up and he sent a message saying he was at the empty store and was reminiscing so he called...

I messaged him back the next morning to apologize for missing his calls and a little small talk went back and forth but that was it.

Apparently he also called my sister right before the divorce, saying I was a bitch for taking my family away from him. He also met with her to “warn her because she would likely be my next ‘victim.’” (Another thing I addressed to him during our talk right after the divorce was finalized and to which he was unable to say a thing). This all happened before our divorce was finalized, but

WTF are you serious?!

Ugh.

I haven’t seen or heard from any of them since then, with the exception of, funnily enough, A’s gf. She was the only other Christian in the group and we were really starting to bond until this shit hit the fan and she messaged me not long after asking how I was doing and that we should meet up before I leave to the states.

I also talked to another friend (AC - he also used to be friends and worked with A until A tried to undermine him and steal his contacts/ work -_-) about what happened. I had to tell him what happened because of work stuff and he was so shocked by the story but not too shocked cuz he always thought they were a weird group of people and that they were incels..... New word I learned but totally made sense to me because when I tried to tell S at the beginning that I felt that if I was a guy, none of this shit (”bullying” him and his friends - something he TOLD me to do if I wanted to be one of the guys and that he  called “teasing” until all this was brought up) would have happened, but he disagreed and said my view of the world is skewed... But it was pretty damn validating to hear that from AC and he helped me feel a lot better about the situation.

My family was also super supportive during the time and I’m so grateful for that.

But anyway, that’s the story of my divorce.

Fuck.

I’m divorced.

It sucks but I learned a lot from the experience. How unhappy I was, how underappreciated I felt and how that came out in the most horrible ways (angry drunk... I didn’t realize this until now but I was never an angry drunk until I met him... So I kinda understand why his friends saw me this way because they’ve seen the worst, drunken side of me that’s really embarrassing, but they don’t know me like S does... Or how I thought he did...). How important it is to marry a fellow believer...

I also realized I’m a LOT happier now that he’s out of my life.

It’s like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

No more having to deal with his “wouldn’t this be a great business idea?” at every little freaking thing or his “ugh. affection. ew. that’s so not me” bullshit. Even when we first fell in love, he would look at me and say, “Fucking mykastory...” And not having to worry about spending most of my paycheck on rent for the store!

I need someone who loves me as much as I love them and actually KNOWS what it means to love.

It doesn’t mean abandoning someone in their time of need - I REALLY needed him by my side during this time, but he wasn’t there for me or willing to budge. Never once apologized for a thing during this whole ordeal.

The biggest thing I realized is that I shouldn’t missionary date/ marry and that he never really knew who I was because we never connected, spiritually. Also, he only had the capacity to love himself. No one else. He always came first and didn’t understand the meaning of sacrifice.

He will forever be the person who broke my heart and bounced.

But good riddance.

I’m better off without you.

I thought this blog was over but I guess it lives on...

[mykastory]

He’s lost

and I don’t know what to do...

I know I signed up for this..

처음 만날때 부터 I knew he had a lot of shit to figure out.. what he wants to do, where he wants to go...

Three years in, and the situation doesn’t seem to have gotten any better.

He’s lost, now, more than ever, and I don’t know what I can do to help.

둘다 예민해져서 사이만 계속 안 좋아지고

나름 I’m trying to be supportive, but I guess I have my limits too.

I know I mentioned it before, but intimacy is still a problem

I understand that he has a lot on his mind and maybe that’s getting in the way, but in all honesty, 지금이나 그전이나 마찬가지

Still dry as a well.

All I need is love.

All women ever want is to be loved in return.

I can’t keep putting his needs before mine, but I can’t necessarily demand that he love me when.. I don’t think he even loves himself now...

The Christian thing to do is to keep showing him unconditional love.

But I’m only human, and when I’m not getting loving needs met, it’s really hard to be unconditionally loving..

God give me patience... and wisdom... please...

[mykastory]

Marriage.. is fuckin hard

It's been 3 months now..

결혼 참.. 쉽지 않네...

Whenever people ask us,

"How's married life?"

He says,

"It's hard..."

I never agreed and thought he was just giving the default 답변 that guys always say.

내가 봤을땐 힘들어도 좋은 기억은 있으니깐 괜찮은데..

But 묻어두었던 issues are surfacing, and the fights are becoming more frequent...

Not so much about the fear and insecurity I had before, but now, more so about intimacy.

I've talked about this before.. how maybe it's cuz we were friends first and so that's why we're having a problem being intimate with each other..

But also the fact that he's just not an intimate guy, period.

But I can't forget our first kiss... and the first time we were intimate with each other...

그때도 그렇게 할 수 있었으면 왜 지금은 못하는 걸까?

All he talks about is business..

Still hasn't come to terms with his mom yet, and I'm beginning to question if he'll ever be able to...

I love him so much but it also hurts so much having to question whether he's capable of ever feeling the same way.

I understand he's going through a lot in his life right now, and he's unhappy about that, but I'm actually happy with the way things are, in the sense that we've finally committed to each other and are trying to work through things to be happier, together, in the long run.

I'm okay with things being rough now, cuz, of course, it's the first damn year of marriage. 당연한거지.

But it scares me that he may not think the same way.

Everything is reasoning and logic with him.

He says he's not a robot and he does have feelings, too, but not the way I see it, cuz the "feelings" don't hit him half as hard as they hit me... And it makes it that much harder when we argue cuz he's all about talking about things rationally, but sometimes, rationality isn't always the whole story.

I can see why this period is so "hard" for him, cuz we're arguing more than we're having fun.

But that's a part of life, and we have to learn to communicate with each other.

And it's so damn hard trying to communicate with someone who doesn't truly empathize with how I'm feeling.

I know he's trying to learn... or "emulate" what it means to be empathetic, but...

아니야.. 그래도 잘 할땐 잘해.

He does try, but when he does, it feels more like a temporary solution. It never really solves the bigger problem.

Sometimes, I do question whether I should've married a Christian.

I'm not saying being Christian solves everything, but the values and sayings of Jesus that teach us to love and respect each other and work towards the common goal of praising God and doing what's righteous in His eyes...

It's hard to explain this to him.

Plus, my whole life motto of trusting God to work His way with me and lead me towards the right path...

I could never expect him to understand this.

But sometimes I wish that he would learn to put his life in God's hands and believe that God will show him the right path...

Is there nothing more that I can do but pray for him?

[mykastory]

I guess this deserves an update.

We got married.

It kinda happened all fast. We were living together for about a month while my parents were away on a long vacation.

Things were good. Like, really good.

I know I said this before, but when we're together, things are great. All the drama and insecure feelings I have disappear, and he was just always good whenever we were together. It was when we were apart that sucked since it felt like he forgot about me.

One night, while I was there, he said to me,

"I know I always said I'm not ready but if it's with you, I feel I am."

Ok it was a bit longer and more romantic than that but it was also a while ago so I don't quite remember haha

His lease was about to end so we started looking for houses. I was actually surprised that he started so early. It ended in May but we started looking in January. He was actually the one pushing to go look at houses so it was kinda nice for a change.

The process was exhausting. It felt impossible to find a house we wanted for the money we had, so we needed to get a housing loan. It's near impossible for foreigners to get loans in Korea.

But by some miracle... well, God's grace, we got it. The house we wanted and the loan we needed. At the bank we wanted, too.

It was so cool how everything fell into place.

Well.. everything but his mom.

He went to tell her that we were finally doing it, regardless of her blessing. Deep down he was hoping she would finally give in.

But she didn't.

He told her we were moving in together and getting our marriage license before that but will hold off on the wedding to give her some time to accept.

And that's exactly what we did.

Everything happened so quickly.. we were looking for houses for almost a month, so when we found the one we wanted, we wanted to secure it right away so it wouldn't get taken by someone else. It sooo would have cuz it was a really nice one :)

Then we had to speed up the loan process.. since he owns his own business and I'm a freelancer, it was difficult to prove our income. I had to ask all my retainer clients for documents and letters. Ugh the process sucked. And one of my main clients refused to write me a letter of employment so we kinda bluffed it..;;

And it finally came through, just in the nick of time.

Before we knew it, we were moving into the new house.

It's been about two months since we moved in and it's great.

Sure, we fought once or twice, but the pressure of whether marriage was happening or not being off is really nice, and I can see him making an effort to try harder and be a good husband.

As am I. I always wanted my own home to "homemake" so I'm having a blast doing that.

All in all, I can't believe we're finally here.

We still have the uphill battle of his mom, but meh.

At least we have my supportive, loving family :)

He's been getting along great with my dad and mom and they both really like him, too. And he'll 챙겨줘 them and suggest that we go to see them or have them come over occasionally, too.

I'm thinking of maybe going to see his mom alone and hash things out with her.. maybe that will earn me some respect. He says not yet though, so...

Anyway, things are great. Finally married and happy with our two dogs :)

I guess this is the end of my blog? Since it was supposed to be about my road to mr. right..

It was a loooong road... a tangled web of guys and one night stands and then swearing off guys until I finally met him.

In the end, 잘 선택한 것 같아. I feel silly now for stressing and feeling so 급해 about marriage. He's loyal, loving, and I fully trust him. And I trust in God enough that he'll show me the way to help open up his heart to Him.

Amen to that.

[mykastory]

Never settle

I want to be loved. A lot.

I want to be appreciated. A lot.

I want to have hot, intimate sex. A lot.

I want to get married. He’s not ready.

I want to have kids. He’s not ready.

I want my own family. He’s not ready.

Most importantly, I want to be able to share my beliefs about God with my SO.

He is honest and loyal but he cannot do this for me.

Ergo, I must leave him.

I guess it really is as simple as that.

Goodbye, S.

[mykastory]

어쩌냐...

Everything was going great.. we opened up a store together and it’s been doing pretty well.. spending every day together, lots of sleepovers and fun and good times…

Too great I guess…

The past few months were like being married without actually being married and it got me carried away… why can’t we just do it? What’s stopping us?

After a wonderful summer vacation at a dog pension, being back at the store was like this huge reality check. Am I gonna spend the rest of my life working my ass off to help him survive? Am I really doing all this now with no promise of the future from him, whatsoever?

His fears of commitment… financial instability… he has so many issues to deal with, and frankly, I don’t know if I have the energy to stick around and help him deal with all that when there’s no promise of a future in it for me..

We took some time apart to think about things.. I even thought about proposing to him myself.. hah

But when we finally met back together to talk…

He was different.

냉정해…

“I can’t be responsible for your time anymore. It’s not fair to either of us.”

He’s not ready for marriage and being forced to think about it because of me is hard for him.

Which I understand

But there were things he was saying that I KNOW were not his original thoughts.

I knew he went out on Wednesday but when I asked him, he kept saying nothing.

I kept pushing, which I know may not have been the best thing to do, but I couldn’t help myself.

And bingo

He met his mom.

Without fail, every single time he meets his mom, he pulls away from me and acts distant and more 냉정해

I hate it.

I thought we were a team. Why is it so hard for him to talk to me about what they discussed so that we can think things through together? It would help me understand her better, and more importantly where he’s coming from.

But he wouldn’t have it. Kept insisting that we drop it.

I feel like we’re back at square one.

Every time we try to take a step forward, he freaks out and we end up back at square one.

I want to try and work things out, but I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s not meant to be…

This whole time, I was trying so hard cuz I just knew in my heart that we were going to be together so I gave it everything I had, but after all this, I don’t know if I have any fight left in me.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe it’s cuz I’m the one that pursued him.

I’ve always been the one being pursued… but being on the other side makes me insecure and act crazy sometimes and I hate it. As does he.

I had a hard time leaving my last real, long relationship cuz I was scared that I would never be able to love anybody else as much as I did him.

Of course, now I know I was wrong..

But what if I’m wrong about S, too?

What if God has a better plan for me? Someone that will love me the way I want to be loved and appreciate me and take care of me… and include God in the picture…

Or what if this is something I have to overcome for something even better?

Leaving S means saying bye to all my friends and starting all over again.

Is that what I want?

I like the group of friends we have right now and how things are, but maybe it could be better.

Maybe I need someone that’ll push me to be better, not lazy and complacent.

I miss dressing up and going out on dates.

I miss kissing and cuddling.

Is staying with S settling?

I know he’s a great, honest, loyal guy.

And there’s so many assholes out there – something I’m reminded of every time I meet new people.

Was my reason for meeting S God’s way of telling me that my husband should be someone who shares the same faith as me?

I thought if I prayed long and hard enough for S, that he’d become a believer too

But now I’m not so sure..

I don’t know what to do anymore ㅠㅠ

[mykastory]

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

It’s been so long I don’t remember exactly how things went after that but here’s the gist.

He called me to meet and we talked and talked more and then he went to Japan on a ski trip with his mom (-_-) but before he went we talked some more. Things had been so bad for so long that we were both worn out and unwilling to try or give anymore. So this time I suggested that we try something else.

Focus on the good in our relationship and rekindle our flame.

I had read somewhere that that’s one of the ways to get out of a rut.

And it actually helped. Things got better. Him being away probably also helped but it was kind of nice taking a step back to ease back into the good and the civility over the phone.

Once he got back, things slowly went back to normal..

Now it’s easy to just have fun like before.. enjoying each others’ company and respecting each others’ boundaries.

Plus, I adopted a new puppy a couple weeks ago and it’s been a nice bonding topic for us. He’s the most adorable little guy in the world!!! 강아지도 이렇게 사랑스러운데 애 낳으면 어쨰.. ㅋㅋ

Right now I’m on location for a shoot so he sends me pics and videos of him and our babies (dogs ㅋㅋ) which makes me miss him like crazy!!!

Also, being around so many fake people who put up a front or try to act like something they’re not makes me realize why I fell for him in the first place.

He’s real.

No front, no faking.

He doesn’t try to be something he’s not.

He’s truly just a genuine, chill person.

I love that about him so much.

다시 사랑에 빠졌네요.. <3

[mykastory]

Officially on a break

He's upset that i don't accept him for him as he is I resent him for making me be the one to have to accept everything about him when he can't accept me He's not trying as hard as he used to. He knew he had shortcomings. Lack of empathy, romance, passion, preparedness, 부지런함. Not to mention the disapproval from his mom and how he's not as ready for the next step as I am. But now he says he's happy with the way he is. I can't accept that At least when he accepted his shortcomings and promised to work on it I could envision a happy future with him But if he's happy with the way he is That makes it impossible for me to envision any future with him I'm mad at God. I prayed and begged when things got rough the very first time for him to end this relationship because I couldn't handle another heartbreak. And since it didn't, I took it as a sign to mean that he truly was the one and I tried my hardest to make things work. But now... I no longer see a happy ending in our future. I'm so mad at God but maybe.. just maybe.. This is his way of showing me that I DO, in fact, need a partner that believes in God like me..