mykniverse

[mykniverse]

he is looking respectfully

[mykniverse]

jisung being a cutie 

—for @yongs♡

[mykniverse]

jisung messy hair appreciation !!

[mykniverse]

han ♡ ray photoshoot behind

[mykniverse]

my ship is better than your ship…

[mykniverse]

the low after the high

this is gonna be my first really messy post. i hope im able to understand it myself lmao.

it’s really tiring to keep up this facade. im not doing at all and the root cause is you again. we are literally at the end line. why are you not letting any of us cross? the knot is already loose, waiting for the pull so that it is completely untied. why? it really makes me feel that im not worth a single minute or a reply. and this has been going on since forever. which then makes me wonder if im worth anything in your life at all.

*angwy mode ahead* how can you say you envy people’s relationship when you dont put in effort into your own !!! of course they are gonna be “couple goals” because they talk all the time. they (probably) dont leave the other party hanging for hours or days. they make time to meet. they probably never fight about the same thing more than once. they probably compromised. of course i have my faults but i did my part to compromise. i put my feelings aside to be the bigger person just so that you have a wall to lean on during your tough days. im not gonna talk about this anymore. its been said so many times but nothing is done so whatever.

to be really honest, above all your flaws, you are a gem. you really are. if i were to go back in time, i would do it all over again. i would give unlimited chances in the future. just not now. not when we are not healed. not when we are unable to love ourselves. not when ive run out of love for anything at all. 

[mykniverse]

again

you made me feel unimportant again.

i know youre busy. i know your world doesnt revolve around me.

i know that you prioritise school over me. i know i know i know.

but why are you able to post on social media and not reply me? 

and it has happened throughout the entire time we started talking.

yes its understandable that i shouldnt be affected by it when we just talking.

but it continued even when we got together.

why do i find out about your whereabouts through your social media? 

why do i find out things about you online? 

why am i not informed or updated? 

why do i find out youre at home through instagram or snapchat?

why?

what’s the use of me being your girlfriend then?

it feels so one sided.

you miss me? show it.

i told you i cried because i miss you ffs. 

why does it seem as though youre doing well without me?

i remember not replying your texts but i was on twitter. and you texted me asking why im not replying you.

its the same night i found out you were online on skype but you didnt reply me.

why can you do it to me but i cant? why?

ive been the bigger person ever since we argued.

it was tiring. frustrating. i wanted to rip my hair out. but how long more do i have to do this?

we barely talk. and you asked me how im coping without you. im not. im just floating through the days.

i broke my promise. i smoked on thursday. i smoked one stick. i couldnt resist it. and now i honestly want an entire pack of cigarettes and bottles of alcohol to numb all this.

actually i am numb. i feel empty. my heart doesnt hurt. im crying so much but my heart isnt breaking. 

im afraid i’ll be fucking numb and start closing off again.

i dont want to lose you but this is getting too tiring. it really feels one sided and i have no idea what to do about it. 

and youre online on skype again while i was having a breakdown huh 

i have no comments. we’ll see how things unfold from here.

[mykniverse]

17

TW// self harm, beatings, suicide, death

i remember storming home first, leaving family members behind. my thighs were pinched with thongs and i was dragged and locked out of the house in the cold. i was given a jug of water, some fruits and my schoolbag.

when sh did the same, he was lectured and was told not to do it again. 

i remember accidentally lashing out and i was forced to eat cili padi at 10 pm. 

when sh and iq did it, they were only shouted at.

i remember the day you found my goodbye card for my guy friend in primary school. i was scolded and shouted at and also beaten up.

when sh and iq exchanged love letters with girls, nothing was said or done.

i remember asking if i could go out with my friend at 9. i wasnt allowed to because i failed my exams.

sh and iq are able to go out even when their results are bad.

i remember wanting to go to a level camp so bad i wrote a note, begging to be allowed to go. but i got scolded for writing the note and i wasnt allowed to go. i wasnt allowed to go to camps till i was 13.

sh was able to go to camps between ages 11 and 12 with no problems.

i remember being told that if i failed PSLE i will be married off to a random guy. i was told to aim for 200. i scored 199. i didnt get to hear any “good job” or “you did well” as we had to rush to KL as someone passed on. in fact i didnt get to hear anything even after the trip. 

i remember sunday practices. waking up to reciting the timetable at the door no matter who was passing by. no breakfast till youre satisfied. and on weekdays after school, i’d have to recite them on a stool in front of the window where the sun was merciless. i remember when i collapsed due to the heat. i was in pain when i regained consciousness. i was asked to eat but while i was getting food i was slapped. i was laughed at by sh and iq.

i joined netball at 8. i was forced to quit at 9 because i didnt do well for my exams. i wasnt in any ccas till i was 13. but i couldnt choose what i wanted. i was forced to join a uniformed group. 

sh joined a dance cca and it was approved. iq joined badminton but quit. then he joined malay dance. both times it was approved. he was in the prefect team too. you kept giving him chances after chances even though he keeps failing. why couldnt i get the same amount of chances?

it was sh’s turn to take PSLE. when i texted about his results (i was out), you told me he did better than me. i was shocked as to how he could get 200 and above. he dropped out of the normal stream to foundation. he only scored 130. you were so proud of him. he went into a technical school and you supported him so much. i couldnt even choose which school i wanted to go to. “choose a school where you dont have to spend 5 years studying” but the first choice that you put would have led me to spend 5 years in secondary school. in the end i got the last choice that you put.

i remember you finding out that i was talking to a guy when i was 10. we were just talking. you found out and beat me up. i couldnt walk properly for the rest of the day. 

sh and iq are saying upfront that they have girlfriends but nothing is happening to them.

i got my first tiny phone that barely works at 13. i got my first actual, second hand phone at 14. and an actual phone that wasnt passed down at 15

they got their first brand new phones at 8 and 12 respectively.

i remember entering a new school with an old bag that sags while they continued being in the same school with new bags.

i remember you asking me to choose a new bag and i asked about them. you said they wont be getting the same. i felt special. till you asked them to get new bags too.

you gave me an anello bag for school once. i felt special again because i was the only one who had it. but a week later they have it too.

i remember only going out with my friends at 15. but my curfew was before dusk. 

iq went out at 9. sh went out at 13.  you gave sh a curfew. he came home hours later and didnt even get scolded. i brought it up and you acknowledged it but nothing happened.

i remember going home late after school. im a teen am i not supposed to have fun with my friends? but you brought it up to one of the upper ups in school. i was put on probation for months. it was embarrassing. teachers thought that i committed a crime. an innocent me is getting probation? why? because i go home late. i cant say that i have things after school at the last minute because you say its ridiculous and bullshit.

sh goes home late. you caught him at the playground, mall, void decks. you scold him. and he does it again. but nothing major happens. iq calls or texts you that he is staying in school and you allow him to. 

i remember self harming between ages 12 to 15. i was asked to go counselling. now i realised that the counselling was nothing. it didnt help at all. they put the blame on me. when you found out about this, i remember you scolding me. “what is there to be depressed about? youre only 14. all you have to do is study” i was scolded so much for being depressed and for self harming. you had to go for some parents counselling thingy too. i remember that one time i hit an all time low and self harmed again. sh snitched on me and told you about my scars. you got so mad when you saw the scars. i remember what you said to me. “why dont you do it deeper? end the burden once and for all. it’s so burdening and tiring to go to counselling after work?” i remember crying non stop. till we meet him. i was crying in the train. sh and iq was pointing at me and laughing. what you didnt know was that i was typing my suicide notes. i planned my suicide. when we met him, you told him and he glared at me so hard. i was given the silent treatment for so long. when you asked me why, i lied and say that im hated by people. how do i tell the cause of my depression that they are the cause of my depression?

i remember when i stopped self harming and counselling sessions are done. you got new piercings and i asked you if it hurts. you would always retaliate by saying that me self harming hurts more than getting pierced. you consistently did this while i was trying to heal. i remember when jonghyun passed on. i broke down a lot. i cried a lot. i revealed my vulnerable side. but i was mocked. “when a celebrity dies, she’s crying her eyes out. i wonder if she would even cry when her mom passes away.” i literally had to excuse myself so i dont break down in front of you.

i remember that you talked to me before i went on to pursue my tertiary education. you said you were disappointed in me. you said you didnt understand why i was content with my shitty results. i was content because the entire of 2018 was peak depression period. i could barely study because it was so overwhelming. the fact that i managed to even go somewhere was huge to me. i knew i disappointed you a lot because i was the only one who managed to maintain the standard and express stream. you didnt expect me to be where i am now. i put some money from my salary to pay my school fees and uniform for the first term. i already disappointed you so i didnt want to burden you. but you took it the wrong way. you thought i was trying to overthrow your responsibilities as a parent. you said that i was excited to grow up and get rid of you from my life. i remember being so shocked. yes i want to grow up so i leave this household but i have never once thought of getting rid of you.  

i remember and i know that you are very against what im doing now and what i want to do in the future. but im 17 now. im turning 18 soon. how long more are you gonna make my decisions for me? why cant i choose what i want to be? 

why do you assume that my depression is gone just because i dont have to go for counselling? why do you still joke about me self harming? why do you blame whatever sh and iq do on me? “monkey see, monkey do” what did i do? im still harming myself in a way. i picked up smoking at 13. and i started drinking recently. i have no idea where im gonna end up. a successful writer? at the void deck passed out? on the road surrounded by my own blood? i really dont know where i’ll end up. i dont know how long more i can take your hostile words. i hear that im useless every day. i hear that im hopeless every day. you always say that you dont understand us. why dont you try? why dont you try to put down your ego for a bit and try to understand us? try to understand me. try to talk to me. dont you notice that i never talk about how im doing? all i say is that im tired. and you scold me. “if youre tired then dont go to school” you dont even know when i get sick unless its the holidays. we stay under the same roof yet you dont know me at all. and you didnt raise me. for almost 10 years of my life, i was raised by my grandparents. please for once. stop talking and listen. understand. comfort instead of scolding. please. im losing my mind.

[mykniverse]

emotions

i got them back

within 11 days. record time.

someone please congratulate me. or my brain. or my heart.

actually please only congratulate me.

i was put on cloud nine, laughing and smiling, enjoying my day.

then im thrown to the depths of the sea. deeper than anyone can imagine. tearing up every time i think of you, fearing that i might have fucked up real bad this time.

so basically i was up so high and then thrown down so violently.

but hey at least i officially feel emotions again right?

[mykniverse]

why am i doing this

i made you cry again

i made you feel like dying again

i hurt you again

and its all for the same reasons again.

anger. anger. anger.

rage. rage. rage.

thats all im feeling and its so frustrating.

please for the love of anything at all, make me feel something other than anger.

its really frustrating when i want to cry. like the feeling is already there. but i cant cry bc im too mad at god knows what

what is it that i want god damn it

what is it khal. what do you want.

why do you keep hurting yourself and the one you love. why.

all this is so fucking unnecessary and unneeded especially for him.

why cant you just shut the fuck up and binge watch all the dramas like you said you would.

why are you acting up again.

why. just why khal jesus christ

how many more fuck ups till youre gonna fucking wake up

youre healed but why do you keep letting your demons win you over. why

fucking hell why khal god damn it. why.

[mykniverse]

youre not healthy for my mental health but at the same time ...

why do i feel abandoned?

why do i feel pushed into the corner, uncared for? 

i want reassurance but im not sure what exactly i wanna hear

it’s starting to be really tiring to be the bigger person

trust me, im pulling myself together to be the bigger person bc i know youre busy 

im really trying my best to understand your situation

but how can one post on their instagram but not reply texts?

how can one leave their partner on read for so long?

maybe im overreacting again

but today was cold. it was so cold

it was obvious everything is gonna spiral down so badly

and again i expected this to be the reason.

im not bringing it up ever again

the last time i did, not gonna lie your words hurt

and it made us be in such an awkward tension

so again i’d rather keep this to myself.

it feels like youre the right person at the wrong time

i know i cant let you go though

but im really scared of what might happen when im void of feelings again.

i might do things i regret.

im really really torn on what to feel and what to do 

(honestly all im doing is binge watching brooklyn 99)

i dont even know if i can bring myself to see you on set

i wonder how i would feel and how wild my emotions (and thoughts) would run

this genuinely sucks

but i cant do anything about it

: )

[mykniverse]

i should have warned you but i didn’t know it would be this bad

i am so emotionally taxing as a partner. 

literally a burden. 

im sorry that you have to go through such an ordeal now that youre with me.

no one deserves a partner who burdens them.

yet here i am adding unnecessary shit to your plate.

you dont deserve any of this. 

especially after what you went through.

i told myself to be better but im barely being good.

i keep feeling way too much and you keep getting hurt because of it.

my mind hurts me and it hurts seeing you hurt.

im too messy and complicated to handle.

why did you sign up for this?

it hurts you when i keep my feelings and thoughts from you.

it hurts you even more when i tell you.

im sorry that youre not the first thought that comes to mind when i go through shit.

instead its always cigarettes, alcohol and pain.

im sorry. im sorry. im sorry.

and if i were you, i’d let me go.

you dont need this extra baggage.

[mykniverse]

a reply.

do you know how it feels like now to wait for your text the whole day? 

sure you have never ignored me but thats how it feels like.

i took the day to myself to think. to try and not think about you.

but in the end it still went to you. 

it was so easy to bring me to tears the whole day.

it scares me babe. it really does.

it really takes a week for me to get a glimpse of you, not even seeing your face properly.

i thought that if i have a partner in the same course, i wouldnt have to worry about  t i m e

but it indeed is a problem between us.

yes i understand the different schedules we have. i really do.

i understand how this course is kicking our asses. 

but it really scares me that we wont be able to see each other for a long time if we let it be.

i know your packed schedule for the week.

you have about 2 weeks of shoot after this week.

a few days after and you will be flying off.

i’ll probably be going overseas too.

i’ll come back after a few days and then you will about a week later.

by then it’ll be my turn to be busy. 

yes call me clingy as fuck. yes call me overreacting for feeling and thinking so much. all this? no texts the whole day, no updates from me, just because i fucking miss you a lot? just because im really upset that we might not meet each other? yes call me unreasonable. but i prefer to be quiet about it and keep it to myself than add on to your pile, which i already am.

[mykniverse]

the story behind today’s silence

how do i think of forever when i dont know when is the next time i can see you?

why does it all feel one sided?

did the cold get the best of me again?

i need you but why are you giving me space? 

i dont always need space. i need you at times. 

between two people, one always feels deeper.

i told myself not to be the one who always go the extra mile. 

to not be the one who is so crazily in love.

to not be so into the other person that i start losing myself.

but yet again i became the one who is more head over heels.

all because my heart feels that youre different.

however youre so different from my previous that i have trouble catching up.