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Dear Mr Zubair edition 28 16/09/2017

so, the truth is now. welcome to our new life as man and wife, 10 days have passed with many nights slept side by side. many lessons have been learned and a new beginning has begun. I never thought in a million years that being a wife would mean more than being that woman you were engaged to but it does, it didn’t feel different at start but now it does. I wake up each day and I can finally hold my head up high saying to the world, look man, I am your wife. I am Mrs Zubair, and I am fiercely proud of it. you see the thing is this, In Islam we are no longer haram, but we are doing our duty and following our responsibility to be husband and wife, to always be there for each other, after all in the Quran it says, ‘we created them in pairs’ I cannot remember the verse number but I know it’s written. being a wife is completely different to being a girlfriend (although I often refuse to be recognised as a girlfriend). being a girlfriend or boyfriend in today's western society is so disposable. when you are bored or cannot take being together for a reason people split without a second thought, and that is something I am sick and tired of. people need more respect for themselves. marriage brings a responsibility of respect for one another, it forces you to learn to work through the good a bad, and trust me, although we have only been together, in the eyes of the world, for a few days, we have had so much to work through. we have had to learn to adapt to each other’s habits and ways of doing things, we have had to learn not to get pissed off at each other because of the way we do things individually, and we have had one big argument over something small, which we have had to learn to communicate and to forgive. Every day is a learning curve, every day has its lesson to learn from and challenges. I have had to learn to run a home, to cook Pakistani food, to not be shy with my in-laws, to listen when you tell me to do something for my own good, to pray the way you pray (not the way I pray), you have had to learn to forgive, to be patient with me learning your rules. no two days are the same except for one thing, that we now know that at the end of the day we will return to being in each other’s arms. Yes, I still miss you when you are not here, our flat seems empty without you and its rather boring without you around, but the moment you come home from work I feel happy again. I love living with you, I love being married to you, I love having you as my life friend. and all this only proves one thing to me, that my decision all these months ago the let you into my world, into my bubble as my fiancé, and to marry you under the eyes of Allah and surrounded by all our friends and family in the UK, it was the right one, and I am truly happy. I know we still have many hurdles to overcome, but with prayer and together I feel we can try our best to keep walking forward in life. 

the first days of living with you was hard, I had to learn to put up with your snoring, and your very precise cleaning habits and rules with shoes and holding a cup when passing you a drink, but now I love falling asleep next to you, at times your snoring makes me fall asleep, I put my shoes on without touching the soles (most of the time) and pass you a cup by holding onto the bottom. I even try my best to find time to hoover, clean, do the dishes, cook you food (as long as there is enough food in the fridge), run errands for us.

I am no longer only that woman you fell in love with, I am your wife, I am Mrs Zubair, I share your last name in law, because I took it at marriage, and I love you with all of my heart. I am proud to be us.

MR and MRS Zubair 01.09.2017

to my new life best friend, here’s to us

Mrs Zubair

xxx

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

16/09/2017 Edition 27 A letter from Mrs Zubair to Society

In today's society people often think that marriage is just a piece of paper and nothing will change. That is far from the truth, the truth is this, the man you chose to spend your life with goes from being what society sees as a disposable relationship to that person who goes the extra mile to make sure you are OK, you become a team, always looking out for each others needs and wants. it is different being a wife to being a girlfriend, it has added responsibility, added depth of meaning, added friendship. Don't underestimate the meaning of marriage, because it is truly special. One day you are a boyfriend or a girlfriend, the next a wife or a husband, its a unique type of relationship only found in marriage, that forces you to work through good and bad no matter what. its hard work at times but trust me, every second is worth it, and it is the greatest of commitments you can give and share, and is the foundation to the real meaning of being family.

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Dear Mr Zubair edition number 26 160717

Dear Mr Zubair edition number 160717

  To Hassan, my dear future husband

  So much has happened since that day that Allah brought you and I together and into each other’s lives. and as each day passes it only becomes more clear to me that you are my soulmate, that Allah brought us together for a reason, that we together have a purpose, and I believe that purpose is to educate each other and raise a family of our own. No matter what Allah has thrown at us so far, we have faced it head on and we have overcome it with joy, and learned so much from each challenge that Allah has tested us with. We rarely argue, and when we do its never serious, and we enjoy being in each other’s company. By the grace of Allah we have grown together over the last few months, and I am proud that we are to be husband and wife. By the grace of Allah, we are in each other’s lives and we are happy. With you by my side, and with Allah in my heart I feel like I can conquer the world, I feel like that I can grow as a person and gain confidence in myself and who I can become. The other day when you said to me, ‘I love you my children’s mother’, ok that was a bit of a shock that you said that, but in reality I don’t know why I was surprised that you came out with saying that because it is the truth, I do want to be the mother of your children and I truly hope that Allah will bless us with a happy family, because that would be the greatest gift, responsibility and except for Allah the greatest love I could ever have and ever give, it would be a blessing. At the same time as a woman it is my responsibility to have a family and raise them in the eyes of Allah, and with the love for Allah and our prophet, and with having the greatest respect for those around us. You and I have never got so soppy in Nando’s. You said thank you to me for doing all that I am to facilitate us to be able to be together and sorting out or wedding and house hunting and job hunting, yes, I am a busy bee, but I do this out of love and I cannot take the credit for it, all this that I do, it is by the grace of Allah and out of love for you. I cannot tell you how proud I am of us and how much I love you, there are no words for it, but instead I do my best to show you, after all actions speak louder than words and, like you said to me that you want to try your best to be the husband that I want in life, I want to try my best to be the wife you want and deserve. OK we are not perfect, and we certainly are not perfect Muslims, as we both know we have broken many rules, we many sins, but when we marry I want us to support each other’s faith and help each other make up what we have done for the love Allah, and try and correct it, for we both know Allah those who show they know where they have gone wrong, and try to change it for the better. This doesn’t mean we should be sitting here continuing with the way we are. It simply means we should try and stick to prayer, and yes, when I am allowed to pray I want to pray together, and I want us to be able to discuss and be open about Islam and faith, because we can learn from each other, we can try our best to help one another, and when Allah blesses us with children then we together can educate and show our children the right way to be. I admit no one is perfect, you are not, and nor am I but it’s being able to learn for the better and correct where we have gone wrong that shows we love Allah and the prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, we all of our hearts.

Tomorrow you graduate from uni with your masters, do not worry about your grade for I know you are disappointed, but I am still proud of you and I will always be. You don’t need a distinction to show the world that you are loved by Allah and that people are proud of you, just be yourself, be proud of who you are. By the way, congratulations, on your graduation x

I love you with all my heart and I am truly excited to be the one Allah chose for you to spend the rest of your life with, and inshallah we will be happy, and grow old together and have a family.

I love you and I love you because Allah has shown me how to love you

Asalamu aliakum

Shelly, also known as Habiba, soon to be Mrs Zubair

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z edition 25 210617

To my dear Hassan I am writing to you in the early hours of the morning, whilst I can't sleep due to anxiety and nervous about the interview in Aldi. There is more pressure on me now to succeed at this due to the events of Monday just gone. I know you worry about me and I know most of that worry is centres around my mental health and how I am, and that you want me to be stable. I just wanted to say this. Stability in itself is subjective to a bigger picture. Each time since I have been in my very first relationship at a very tender age of 13, I have been in relationships which have been detrimental in one way or another. I know you know the story, and I know my former story doesn't matter that much to you, but in short when I look at my mental health history, a lot of it is linked to events such as abuse, loss of pregnancy, bullying, long periods of General unhappiness, stress and others causing high stress levels, poor self esteem, high anxiety, lack of sleep and a general sense of not belonging to a place of stability. The last time I was really ill in January, even you said yourself it was likely linked to an unhealthy unhappy relationship with my ex, where I was unimportant and even when I was ill he couldn't really be bothered to care. Everything now is different, you obviously care, you obviously want to be with me, and you put me at the centre of your world, and for that reason in itself, other than issues with visa, provides a rather stable place to be in life. And for once I am really am noticing it. Not a single one of my previous relationships has been as stable as this, not one of my relationships until now has been centred purely on the desire to be together based on love, respect and honesty. Being with you is amazing and I feel safe. This is going to sound random but I'm serious when I say this Being at place in life where I have been provided stability means that I'm likely at less risk of relapse, that's what I hope anyway. I feel at a space in life that I can go into the world and challenge those fears I have, go on adventures and see the world, im at a space in life that whenever Allah decides to grant me to responsibility of motherhood, to do my best in that role, I'm ready to be a wife and a mother (no matter where that is in the world) and I feel like I can face anything head on, I feel even more than I ever knew before that with both you and Allah with me I can battle bipolar head on, and do my best to keep on winning the battles and the war, no matter where I end up in the world. I am ready to face whatever life has to throw at me, and this is partly empowered simply by having you by my side. In short, you make me a stronger woman than I was before. Don't get me wrong I am feisty, I am stubborn and determined and strong and can take on anything before I met you simply fuelled by my will to live, but that has been supercharged by the confidence you have put in me, by being there for me and by believing in me. So if you end up home in Pakistan, and despite Pakistan having a rubbish health system in comparison to the UK, for a while at least I feel if given a chance I could thrive. No matter where I end up in the world I could thrive. Right now to me life is a sense of adventure and I am willing and ready to take it on, head on no matter what it wants to throw at me. So whatever you do, whatever happens, keep empowering me to conquer the world, give me a chance to do my best to try be be bipolar free for as long as possible, or do my best to keep it as stable as possible. When I come to visit you in Pakistan fo however long that is, weeks or months or longer, inshallah it doesn't come to it, if much rather us stay here in the U.K., let me prove to you I don't need you to worry about the Pakistan health system being able to look after me. Let me prove to you that I can do this, and the moment I need help if I need it I'd come back to get it. I can take on the world, and I know you believe in me. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. 'I'm strong, I am invincible, I am woman' let me conquer it, be with me while I conquer bipolar and the world. I love you and am so grateful you have faith in me, Shelly X

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Dear Mr Z edition 24 200617

Dear Mr Z edition 24 200617                                                                                                                                              

Dear Future Husband, My Dear Hassan

I recon im probably one of the happiest women alive right now, I can’t believe what has happened over the last few days. I kept praying this day would happen, the day you come to ask mum for my hand in marriage, and I can’t deny at times although I trusted you that it would happen, a part of me wouldn’t believe it when until has. Its almost official, just ‘proposal day’ go, the day you officially put that ring on my finger. Mum has given permission for us to marry. I never believed that she would give us permission all with this visa thing, but she has, and the fact that this has really happened has made me the happiest the woman alive. Everything is now slowly falling into place for our life together, and I keep hoping and praying that customs will also say yes (if they don’t it will break me to pieces) , I hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but I know that within my heart we will find away to be together, no matter what the world tries to throw at us.

A part of me feels guilty for spoiling that moment, because I was upset about something else at the time you came to tell me the news.

All that’s left is to research and prepare for Nikah, go to give notice, of which the notice appointment I have booked, show them from the bottom of our hearts that we are very much in love and that we want to be together, Insha’Allah I get a job that wasn’t as disastrous as my first day at XLN, and close to Luton (I really hope that I will get this job next week), move in together and build our lives together. I truly pray that Allah blesses us with a wonderful life and in the future a loving family.

I love you with all my heart, thank you for loving me and being there for me.

Your Future wife

Shelly

x

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z Edition 23 05/06/17: Shahada day Ramadan 9 1438

Hassan

So there it is, the biggest day of my life so far has been and gone, and you were there to share it with me. I sat there in the ladies prayer room thinking that you were still sitting outside waiting and you were just the other side of the door. When you first told me I was surprised, but knowing you were there makes it that extra special. I am muslim, and I am proud.

Ashahadu ilala ilalahu wa ahsahadu anna muhammadan rasulu la

Nice to meet you, My new name is Habiba (which was chosen by a very special man who reads this message), and in time isha’allah I will be your wife.

Thank you for being there with me and sharing that big day with me, you being there has made it that extra special.

Next goal, announce our engagement to the world and get married 😊

Love you

Shelly aka Habiba x

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z Edition 22 26/05/17

Congratulation’s on completing your dissertation, I am very proud of you and happy for you that you have managed to do this. Insha’Allah you get the grade you are hoping for.  I have been with you every step of the way with this, seen your ups and down and the days you felt like giving up and yet you persevered and you now have competed it, and you have done well. You have achieved what you wanted. 

You should be proud of yourself

Congratulations

Love you x

Shelly aka Habiba

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Edition 2 110217 (inserted at later date)

To my dear Mr z

Happy valentine’s day with lots of love from me to you. Valentine’s day is special because it is one day a year which celebrates saint valentine, and it encourages us to share our love with those dear to our hearts. It is not about buying things and allowing shops to profit but instead it is about showing our true affections for one another. This valentine’s day is even more special because it is our first, and we both know we are hopeless romantics! I know we have only met once before but that only means that there, god willing, will be many more opportunities for romance, the creation of memories and the sharing of love. We have started on our adventure together as a team stood side by side, as equals and as friends. Don’t forget that lovers are friends first and lovers second but no matter what they are a team, there for one another, caring for one another. After all that is what love is, it is the greatest and best of all friendships which is honest, kind and unconditional. So from the bottom of my heart from me to you, I love you,

 happy valentine’s day,

 your loving girlfriend,

 S x

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Edition 1 (Added after written date) 070215: Proclamation of love and acceptance of us

Dear Hassan,

I wanted to write you some special messages, I suppose you can call it the very first letter from one dear friend to another. We started talking we back in October last year. That is four months ago now, time has flown past so quickly, but yet you have become such a dear and close friend of mine. In some ways we barely know each other but in other ways it feels like we have known each other a lifetime. You have stood by me through thick and thin, when I have had good days and bad ones, and through everything you have always showed me you care and that I am a special person close to your heart. You have also become a very special person close to mine. I am very fortunate to have now met you in person, and that day we spent together although awkward at first quickly turned into one of mutual romance. You spent the day trying your best to show your love for me, although at times overloaded, it was definitely clear how you felt about me and that you wanted me in your life. I have appreciated how patient you have been with me, with trying to work out how I feel about you, but despite all this one thing has been made clear to me many times; that is when you are around it feels like magic, the effect you have on me just by being in the same room as me at the same time or over facetime, seeing your smile and knowing that you are there for me instantly seems to create a smile in me and on my face too. The type of smile that only someone as special as you has the ability to create, even when I feel so down in the dumps and when it feels like I am breaking apart inside. That smile is magic, and the greatest of medicines there are in my life. Mr Z, I am really fond of you and I am really grateful for all that you do for me. I suppose that you can say I love you, and that I care for you too. Those three words are among the hardest I find to say to those whom I hold dear. Yes I am a hopeless romantic too, just like you, but those three words also mean a lot in themselves and sometimes I struggle to find the courage to share them with those close to my heart. I often find it easier to write letters like this pouring my heart out to people I love than I do to talk about how I feel for people. That’s partly because I am such a private person, it is also because I something struggle to find the words to say. I am honoured to have you in my life as a special friend and in more ways like a boyfriend, because although I have no found the courage to make our relationship official, that’s pretty much what you are. You are that special friend, you are that man in my life, my only special friend. It doesn’t bother me that you are five years older than me, although I was shocked at first how you are shorter than me too, that doesn’t bother me either,. What matters the most is that you are honest, you care about me, you love me for who I am, including my faults and my illnesses, and that I like you and care about you for who you are. It is what is inside that sweet heart of yours that matters. I rarely am attracted to people for their looks, but instead their personality and for who they really are. Mr Z, I want to have you in my life and I want to hold you dear deep within my heart. Although a part of me is scared because this is all completely new to me, I feel that with time and with prayer only the heart can grow stronger. You have a special place in my heart and I am looking forward to our journey together, as best friends first and foremost, and with romance, and I am looking forward to getting to know you more.

With love from your loving girlfriend,

Shelly x

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z, Edition 21 270517

Dear Hassan

May Allah SWT be with you, guide you and bless you in this holy month of Ramadan. I hope that you gain great peace, joy and many blessings. 

This month is a milestone for me, this is my first Ramadan, in the year 1438, and personally I am both scared and excited to be doing this. I know that Allah swt, would forgive me if i am unable to complete this because there is doubt whether I should be doing this in the first place, but I determined to do this because I love Allah swt more that anyone in the universe and I want to be close to him and please him. I pray that both of us gain a lot from doing this, and I hope we are able to support each other to get through this. I had been looking forward to this for ages.

Ramadan Mubarak

Love you

Shelly aka Habiba

♥♥♥

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z Edition 20 27/05/17

Hassan,

I know at times it may feel like I nag about sorting this marriage out, and I appreciate that you are worried about what mum will say about our issues. I am sorry if you feel like I am ignoring what you are saying, and I don’t want to sound desperate, but here’s the thing asking mum helps us because

1. In Islam we are currently seen as haram, purely because we are seeing each other and have a close relationship despite not having nikkah and I don’t want us to be illegal under shariah law

2. In order for us to be together in the future even when there may be a time where we are separated because of stupid British law

3. In order to give mum an opportunity to be with us in this and to have someone to support us through our battles

4. to facilitate this marriage itself....

5. I know you have told my future in-laws, your family, back at home you are getting married, but that is something i cannot do yet purely because if I declared it to the world it would void the point in asking mum in the first place, because everyone would know

.6. even basic marriages take time, the register office needs to be contacted to arrange an appointment to give notice, and giving notice itself will take 70 days, because of the fact you have a visa. that already, if we asked mum now would put the wedding at the register office mid august, that’s even before we get nikkah. we don’t have time to waste, most masjid ask for civil ceremony before nikkah.

It’s important that we go and ask for mums permission for us to get married. Im not worried about getting married cos I know insha’Allah it will happen. Its just the organising it, knowing how little time we have got. I am doing my best to be patient becuause you had your dissertation to do, and you asked me to wait until you have finished it, which is now, so now is the time to talk about this.

I want you to know that i am not panicking about this, and i know that it will Insha’Allah all fall into place in time, but i feel like we are procrastinating, going around finding excuses not to ask her, when asking her may actually give more answers to the problems and will mean we have someone to support us so we are not alone in this. I know being in a international mixed race relationship on a visa is not an easy thing, but in a way its a reason in itself to sort this. It helps us have something to prove that we are together and we are who we are, it gives us a leg to stand on, from the day we are married under British law. In summary here are my worries:

I love you and I know you feel that we need answers first. I'm sorry that I pester about it. I promise you I do understand you and where you are coming from, and your point is valid and important and it's not that I want to ignore it cos I don't, it's important to me too but I have thought about it for a long time and I am just painfully aware of the time limits we have to do these things and I don't want to leave it all to the last minute cos that would mean that more problems could be created. You made the point of what if mum asks how we are dealing with the fact that you are here on a visa, and how it would affect our relationship. Personally I am ready to hear either answer from mum, but no matter what she says I had decided a long time ago that I want to spend my life with you as your wife. To me you practically are family, and im sure that if mum saw this, and saw how happy I am she'd let us get married, but she may advise us to keep an open mind with the issues that we face. I'm also aware if we were not married when your visa expires then the chances of us legitimately being together in the future, and being reunited are limited, and I want to give us the best chance that we can get. It honestly it's vital and very very important that we get married to give us the best chance of a future. I also want to give us as much time as possible married here in the UK, Before your visa expires in case we get separated. We need this. For our future and to make our relationship legitimate in Islam.No matter what happens I want my mum to be a part of it but I want to be with you no matter what. I have contacted the law centre to see what advice they can give us, and I have contacted to home office as you requested.

 And the next step is to ask mum.

Hubby, I want you to know that i love you with all my heart, and no matter what we face as long as we have Allah in our relationship and we are there for each other we can get through anything. 

Shelly aka ‘Habiba’ ♥♥♥

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z edition 19 240517

Dear Hassan, you are one very special person who I hold very dear to my heart. Every day I am grateful that you are in my life and are there to look out for you. You truly are that one person I want to hold in my heart for a very long time. Your smile, instantly melts me and causes me to smile. There has not been a day where you have not made me smile. I really have a big soft spot for you simply because you are who you are and I am very much in love with your quirks and everything that makes you you. I dearly proud of you for what you have achieved and will achieve. You are truly an inspiration. ❤️❤️❤️ Shelly aka Habiba Z xx

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z edition 18 23/05/17

Hassan,

I’m sorry that I have been making your life difficult. I should be the person who is standing by you and encouraging you, showing you that I believe in you, while I just find myself obsessing over the details of organising what’s needed for this marriage, and looking at it like a series of deadlines. I should be helping you focus.

I am not going to deny that I am trying hard to be patient, because Allah has told me and taught me that this is what you need right now. This is what you have told me you need right now. The thing is, there are at times I find myself failing at this task. It’s not an easy feat to be patient for months on end with the idea of the biggest say of your life. A part of me is really eager to do this, and really excited but I am aware that this is not a priority to you right now and that this dissertation has to come first, especially since it is the key to your future.

Finishing your degree will help you loads, and Insha’Allah help us. I pray for you all the time, I keep praying that Allah will give you the strength to keep at this. I believe in you and I know you can do this, and I am so proud of you that you have come so far. Everyday you face this challenge head on, and give it all you have got to give, even when at times it grinds you down to pieces. Hun, you are a inspiration. You are so determined to do this. If you really believe in something and put your mind to it you will be able to do anything you want to. I do worry about you, especially on those days when you come home after work so knackered that you feel poorly. I’m just glad that this dissertation is nearly over because this Insha’Allah means that you will be able to have more time for yourself, and hopefully go to bed at night without being as stressed.

Mr Z, you are really important to me, and all I want for you is to be happy and achieve what you want in life, and to be able to live the life you want to live. I honestly pray that Allah will help you in this task and guide you to achieve what you want to achieve, and as your fiancée one of my roles is to support you in this, and to help you achieve this, even if at times this means making sacrifices of my own. As I have said to you before, nothing is simply about me anymore, its about us, and you are a part of us. Together we are meant to be a team, you being there for me and me being there for you, no matter what.

I love you                                                                                                                              

Shelly: Mrs ‘Habiba’ Z

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Dear Mr Z edition 17 160517: Bipolar and Me

Dear Hassan,

Here’s the thing. Last night you asked me the promise you that I won’t harm myself in any way when I get ill, when you asked this I saw the fear in your eyes. I saw that you were scared that you would lose me to my illness. You begged me to promise you, and that I could not. Thing is this; when I am ill I don’t always have control of myself, I cannot promise you because there may come a day that I’m completely not aware of what I am doing and it may happen. I may end up hurting myself. I don’t want to hurt myself. Not one time that I had attempted to end my life, or hurt myself by cutting my arms or my legs did I want to die or cause harm to myself. Hubby, I’m a fighter, I have a long life ahead of me and I can assure you that I plan to live it. I fight with all that I have against my illness, I want to be alive and I want to be well until Allah chooses by his will alone to reclaim me into his arms, and every day I have to live with my scars from the times I have harmed myself and I am ashamed of them. I want to do all I can to be me, and not let my bipolar hold me back. It doesn’t stop me from getting places in life. I am highly proactive in trying to keep well. Although I cannot promise that I won’t at all at any point cause harm to myself, I can promise you that I will try talk to you, that you will know when I need help, and I know you will do what you can to help me, even if it meant dropping everything that you are doing at that moment to potentially save my life, I just hope and pray everyday that will never happen, because I don’t want it too, I don’t ever want it too. I have talked about my illness from day one. I have made it clear how serious it is and how being with me means that at times you too will have to deal with it, and that it affects you cos it affects me, but you still chose to love me and accept me for who I am. Even from our first official date you just knew how I was feeling just by looking at me and to me that helps a million because you understand. I love you so much because you chose to love me and accept me despite being bipolar. At first you were really naive about what being bipolar meant, I remember the first thing you said was ‘you don’t need tablets, you just need love’ and I had to Lecture you how not taking my medicine means I get very poorly very quick. But now you realise it is a illness which very quickly can take over my life and that I cannot be cured from. Allah would never of allowed me to be bipolar if he didn’t think I could cope, and that one day he will provide a solution. I promise you that as your future wife, and that woman by your side that I will come to you if it’s possible to do so to ask you to help me, but you need to trust me, because over the last couple years I have learned my illness so much and how it effects me, that I now know when I’m really ill and need help. I know when to cry for help, and I don’t leave it till I’m at death’s door. There is only one thing garunteed with being bipolar and I have told you this from even before you met me, even before you chose to ask me to marry you, and that is that I will be in and out of hospital in my lifetime. Now, when that will happen I don't know but I always do my best to make it as far apart as possible. Many people with my illness are in and out of hospital within weeks to months of thier last admission, I did really well, I managed to stay out of hospital for nearly 2 years, because of my fighting spirit and doing all I can to stay well.

I also know you know that bipolar is only a tiny part of who I am, and that really I am a woman who wants to be a mother, a wife, a midwife, a biker, a talented singer and musician, a sister, an Aunty, a proud Muslim and many more things, and of course your fiancée and Habiba. So please don’t worry. I have plenty of fight in me left, but if I can’t cope I will do my best to get your support.

I love you so much

Shelly aka Habiba

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z edition 16 12/04/17

My journey of faith and fighting for our relationship to survive against the odds.

Hassan,

Do you know what day it is today? Its my anniversary of converting to the catholic faith. On this day back in 2009 after months of study, and a year before of dropping out of the RCIA (rite of catholic initiation) scheme, I was baptised and confirmed and took my first holy communion within the catholic church as a catechist. A catechists are a new member of the catholic faith. 8 years on, I am now under a new journey, a journey with Islam, but I am still proud of that day, and still proud of stepping out from my family norm and going against the grain. I am still proud of setting an example that I am very strong in faith and my belief in god, now Allah, i am now going against the grain again, being the first Muslim in my family. That journey started 10 years ago when I knocked on the door of Fr Floody’s house and he invited me in for a chat, and then RCIA classes. In these 10 years I had made very many church friends, been invited to perform at a wedding, the song of Ave Maria, a catholic prayer, and seen my mum follow in my footsteps following me in joining the catholic faith. 10 years on, now today, everything is different. My faith and believe in god (Allah) is growing all the time. I have vowed to myself to try and give up alcohol, and last weekend that caused many questions with my friends when I went to their night in, being pestered to why I wasn’t drinking. I never once told them it’s because I have a new faith, that I have started practicing Islam. I told them many truths like; it’s bad to drink with my medication, and that I don’t want to be drunk when you call me in the evening, and I don’t need drink to have fun. It felt so awkward. I even had my ex telling me that if I want to be with them I should be joining in to the extent that they are. I have also started eating halal meat and on occasion wear hijab, mainly when I pray, I never pray without hijab. I never thought in a million years this would be happening to me. So much has changed in the last few months. When I left hospital my catholic faith was growing. I studied the bible on a daily basis, but then I got reading the Quran. The more you told me the more I became intrigued, I loved how women are highly respected, even though society makes it look like we are suppressed. There has always been odd points in my life I read the Quran, but for fun, not for belief. The more I learned the more I felt that what I knew in catholic church was fraught with many contradictions. No one not even you has made me do this, I have always loved and appreciated how you have always told me that you don’t mind what faith I belong to as long as I am happy. Now that I practice Islam you are talking about the idea of us getting a nik’kah, so that we are married under the eyes of Allah, and so that Islam is at the heart of our marriage. What Islam has done for me already is dramatic. I used to backchat my mum all the time, although when I did it I wasn’t really aware that I was doing it. I am trying my best to be that ‘perfect’ daughter. And with you, it has helped me understand you perspective of things. I have often compromised when you and I had opinions which differ, purely cos the Quran says which way it should be, especially when it comes to money, and when it comes to things that you tell me that I should do, just because you are my ‘husband’, and husband to be in law, I listen. With you, yes at times I stick up for myself and tell you what to do too, but that’s when I am concerned you are not looking after yourself or when you mess me around. By the way, I hate being messed around, if someone says they will do something they have to do it.

I never imagined that I would also be in a position where I would find myself fighting for a relationship because British law says that we can’t be together in the UK without meeting their terms of finances. I have a year to go at uni, and against the odds I am thriving with it. Second time round at uni, but yet I am hunting for jobs, just so I can be your sponsor. Some of these jobs I know I will never be able to do for ever, but I apply out of desperation. I really don’t want to be separated from you, not even for one minute, other than when we must work in order to pay the bills. I know Islam says I don’t have to work, because it’s the man’s responsibility to work to bring in money to clothe me, feed me, meet my needs, and educate me and keep a roof over my head. But then again I have never been in such a complicated or serious relationship as this, but I have also never wanted to be until I met you. When I met you in person I knew I wanted to be with you, even though it took a while for me to accept how I feel about you, and the fact that I love you. Even before we met up  for a while I was going behind my ex’s back just to be able to talk to you. No one knew that I was talking to you, that you were in my life, even if it was only over facetime. I often spoke to you when he slept or wasn’t looking. I hadn’t been happy in that relationship for a long time, not since Easter last year, but it wasn’t till I was basically shut out for weeks on end I started looking for a way out. There were many time I felt like I was cheating on him, and I have never cheated on anyone and that’s why I was scared. Although I wasn’t happy being his girlfriend I knew I didn’t want to lose his friendship. When I was in hospital it just clicked. I knew that you would be there for me, I knew that you just cared. I called you everyday because you wanted to know how I was. Yes, at first you very naïve to how severe my illness is. I remember you telling me all I needed was to be loved and cared for and that I don’t need medicine. The fact is, I do need medication. I know I need people to care for me too, but I also know that if I don’t take my medication I get very sick, at first my body goes into withdrawal from the effects of the medication, it makes me nauseous, unable to eat, sleep, etc, and then over a period of a couple of months I lose control over my condition, and it deteriorates. Not taking my medication puts me a risk of needing to be in hospital under 24 hour watch to protect me from self-harm and suicide. If I don’t look after my mental health it can be potentially deadly. Over time you have started to realise how important this is, not since that day where you made a naïve comment have you thought I can be medication free, although I may need to be medication free, when in the future I become pregnant, due to some medicines not being safe in pregnancy, which if the case, it would put me at risk of my mental health deteriorating, hence why I’d rather talk to a consultant first. Today you realise that there may come a day where you must step in to potentially save my life. I have never hidden this from you, not even from day one. Anyways, my point is that I feel and can trust you will be there for me no matter what, both when I am well and when I am not. I feel so lucky and fortunate to have found you. There are very few people who understand how I feel, without me saying a word. You just look at me and know. I know Islam says you must look after me as your wife, but you make me feel special. It’s because how I feel about us that makes me want to fight with all that I have for this relationship to stay here in this country, even if that means doing a job I may not be able to keep after the point I can sponsor you. I also know and appreciate you are doing you best to get a distinction in your dissertation so you can try and apply for a doctorate course. I have never wanted anything so much in my whole life. I have even started thinking what I would do when I graduate, once and if we have a family of our own, would I stay at home and run the house or work too. I don’t know, but I have thought about it. All I know right now is this relationship is something I want so so much, and in some ways even more than my degree. I fight so hard for this, in the last few weeks I have applied for over 60 jobs, and I have my first interview for a job next Tuesday. I also spend most of my prayer time, other than mandatory salat, asking Allah to give us strength and guidance and to help us achieve our dream of being married in the UK, and to give you the courage, determination and strength to be able to get this grade that you need, and for your doctorate.

I am still so worried what people are going to think about us getting married, and I wish I could tell the world. I want my family to know. Of course no one knows that we are wanting to marry close to our birthdays but your friends and family know that we want to marry, mine don’t even know we are engaged, and that is so frustrating. I know that it will probably come as a shock to some people. People who are unaware that we have had a form of relationship since October, would probably turn around and tell us to slow down, and that it not sensible to be doing what we are, it makes me nervous to tell people, but they really must know. If people are going to be at our wedding, we don’t have much time to tell them and invite them. Despite this I spend my free time brainstorming and trawling the internet to find my idea of a perfect wedding dress on a tight budget, and I think I have found it. Its not a Muslim friendly dress, but then again, I am only going to marry once, I will only every have a wedding to one person, and I want a dress that speaks my name all over it, so that would never be Muslim friendly anyway. I am so excited to be seeing you in a few days time where I can introduce you to you future mother in law and sister in law and your future nephew, I just so wish I could tell them that’s what they are.

Love you with all my heart

Shelly x

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear mr z edition 15 100417

‘Waking up to reality’

Hassan,

Im honestly think im realising how different Islam is to what I have known before, and yet in terms of the spiritual side to it, it makes complete sense, and I am proud to practice the way I do, but still at times it feels a slap in the face like it’s a shock to the system. I have to hide away from mum and others who know me. I spend my days denying it to those who know me when asked cos of fear people will turn around and have a go at me or chose to dislike me for what I am doing, despite the fact it’s my own choice to be doing what I am. There is so so much I have to overcome even before I even think of taking The shahadda. I won’t deny I think about it and I know what it is in English but in a way actually taking it is leaving behind all I have ever known.

2 massive things are happening in my life right now. You and getting married, and the second is Islam. So pretty much everything that I have known in my life is changing right in front of me.

Im happy to be marrying you and to open my world to Islam but I am so bloody scared.

I love how praying 5 times in a day gives me focus and some peace and connects me to Allah in a way I have not known before. I love how Allah is trying to show me what it means to be Muslim. I love how Islam is also showing me the world through your eyes and how it’s given me a greater respect for who you are, and a greater respect for myself. And yes one day I love the idea of getting a Nikah, not just getting married under British law. I’m loving how Muslims greet me as thier sister and are so willing to talk to me about it and help me understand things I don’t know and welcome me into thier extended circle.

There’s so much it’s doing and so much it’s forcing me to face all at the same time :/

And inshAllah when we marry I will also have to leave home too. Yes I want to get out of here, spread my wings aka gain my independence again but it’s so different. I’m excited and scared. I’ll be going from being under mums care to yours. Yes I am an adult but you want to take me under your wing. And you will end up being the one who has to step in when I get poorly. Being married to you would make you a next of kin. It will make you family. It will make your family my family and my family your’s.

And you say all this is not a big deal. You said the other day when you was here it’s not massive. My word, for me everything is changing. There is so much I have to accept, so much I sacrifice, just to get what I want for my future.

Am I ready for this. Yes. Do I want this, I want it so much. My god I want this all so much, but it’s a massive change, that’s the reality of it x

It is a big deal x

And every now and then it hits me what’s happening, like for a brief moment I wake up, and the rest of the time im dreaming. Well, im not dreaming… im practicing Islam. Im marrying you, I’ll probably be moving out of mums house if we can get you to stay in my country. It’s reality

I am scared, I know I am not alone and I am so greatful that you have chosen me and that you love me like you do, but I am scared.

It's when I feel like this I feel all alone. I feel like I am all alone and that the only thing I have is you and Allah. What scares me the most is knowing I am still in recovery from my last mental health crisis, I go to mental health rehab sessions, and I am showing signs that I could be going to the other extreme, mania. :/ There's so much going on right now. I am so proud of you and I know you are trying you damn best to make this happen, make our future possible. And my dear mr z, I am so so grateful. I will keep praying for you and for us, but honestly please understand as much as we want this, it's not easy. Nothing easy is worth fighting for like we are fighting for this now. You are my leader, my best friend, my deepest of love I have ever had, and my future. You keep thanking me for choosing to love you, and like I said earlier, I don't chose to love you, I just do, and I chose to accept it. When we marry I won't just be loving you I will be giving you all that I am and all that I will ever be until the day one of us leaves this life, to await the day of judgement. Forever yours x

Shelly x

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z Edition 14 05/04/17

Hassan,

Hubby, I want you to know that you don’t need to worry if I go quiet and not message you, I know you are used to me constantly messaging you, and that you don’t mind, but it doesn’t mean anything is wrong, usually its ‘cos I’m asleep or busy. I know I am your Hun and future wife, and I know that you care, I am an independent woman, and I can fend for myself, I have done it most of my life in some way. This morning when I asked you ‘what am I to you’ I wanted to see what you thought, not what you thought I want to hear. Yes I am grateful that you are there for me and that to you I am very important, but you need not worry, I am not going anywhere, and I always try my best to be OK. I chose to want to spend my life with you and that is huge. I don’t take marriage as something that can be for a short time, to me marriage is for life, until the day one of us dies. The fact I chose to be with you just shows everything, you mean the world to me, and I love you with all my heart. I honestly think its sweet that you say I have become the center of your world, and that my happiness matters and influences your happiness, if I am sad you are sad, if I am happy you are happy, and that all you want is for me to be ok. Well, I’m ok. Ok, I admit at times life is tough and I struggle from day to day with what my anxiety and bipolar does to me, although people don’t see it, it has a big influence on my life, the only difference is I am stronger than my mental health is at me, I have a grip of it, not the other way around. The fact you want to be there for me 24/7 even when you cannot be in person is really sweet, and means a lot to me. Although at times it is still hard to understand, despite my knowledge of gender roles in relationships from the Quran, I also think its sweet you want to take responsibility for us, and that in many ways you want to be that leader in our relationship. I have to admit though on the odd occasion it is annoying too because it holds you back, because in your mind if something doesn’t come from you, in terms of your role as the provider, it isn’t good enough. The truth is, as your fiancée I have no qualms or second thoughts on stepping in to help us when we need it. It is in my nature to be able to help others, even when comes to money. I often help my sister out when she can by taking her to the supermarket and buy her weeks groceries, because, bless her, at times she doesn’t have the money to do it for herself, but that is only one example. I am one of those people who put others before myself. Anyways, back to my first point. You don’t need to worry about me if I am quiet because I am not far away, all you need to do is look into your heart, and you should find me there. Whenever I want or need to talk to you, you know I will. After all, you help me and coach me in so many things; what its like to be a Muslim, relationship roles in the Quran, and you also have faith in me, even on days where I don’t have faith in myself. All that you want is for me to be happy. When my bipolar was doing crazy things to me earlier, where it was making me scatty, irritable, and finding everything so funny, where I couldn’t switch it off, the first person I turned to was you. Ok, you weren’t with me in person but you were still there, and you listened. I know you said to me, ‘it’s mind, you can take control of it’, its never as simple as that, but that showed you believed in me, and that helped. I will be OK. I am a strong woman, and with you its like the icing on top of the cake x

 Only 3 months ish to go Insha’Allah, until I will be your wife x

 Love you Hubby

 Shelly aka Mrs. Z x