mylovelylittlealithoughts

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

05/26/23

It’s like clockwork every time. every couple of months the depression comes and I can't help but want to die. its all I think about. its the most peaceful thing I can think of. and there's more voices in my head telling me not to do it but that one voice telling me to follow through is so much louder. and it seems like this is happening more and more frequently and it just feels like I get closer to my time. I've never attempted it and In a way its because im scared. but also, I think im embraced that if I don't do it correctly and live through it, ill feel like a failure in more than one way. I think I also hold off on doing it because I keep hoping that it gets better and maybe that's why every time I feel this way I get closer and closer to doing it because nothing is getting better. its either getting worst or stagnant. and honestly, he's not helping. I feel like he's making it worst...and I would never admit this to anyone, not even him. because why would I? all of his lies and his lack of action and his greediness in the relationship just makes me feel hopeless and for some reason I love him more than I've ever loved anymore. it feels like im stuck. 

none of this seems worth it anymore. like really, what is the point of being alive? I can't think of a single reason. its stressful and overwhelming and just takes so much effort.one slip up, and all your hard work can completely get taken away from you. how is that fair? I didn't even ask to be here but I have to constantly try so hard to keep surviving and supporting myself. its tiring. im exhausted. im tired of feeling things. im tired of going through days and nights. im tired of waking up. im tired of going to work. im tired of crying. im tired of arguing with my boyfriend. im tired of feeling like im not being heard. im tired of pretending. im tired of going through this same cycle every couple of months. I cry, I cry all the time because I just hate being alive. but im also too pussy to do anything about it. how can someone be so sick of living life but be too pussy to do anything about it. another reason im so hesitant is because I actually think about the people in my life. I think about my little brother, I think about my sister, I think about my boyfriend, I think about my friends. I think about their reaction and how hard it would be for them at first to find out and have to figure out how to go on in life without me.

it just seems so much more peaceful than what im going through right now. I already feel so alone. I don't really have any family, I don't have any help with going through life. I have to work 2 jobs, one of them I don't even like and I hate that I do it and the only reason I did was because my boyfriend told me to and I hate that because it sounds so fucked up. and I start to resent him so much for it. that's a different topic for a different time tho. I don't feel like getting into that right now. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

I keep having a battle in my head with whether or not im in the wrong or if im overreacting or what. I don't know anymore. he really is trying and I see that, he's doing everything he can to make us work and show me that he loves me but there's still little things that I see that I don't like. But maybe that's just me being nit picking just like I am about myself. nobody is perfect and I know this. everything can't be his fault, and yet I find one thing after another after another to be upset about. is it valid for me to be upset with one thing after another? or am I just being too hard on him? I don't know anymore. I don't know what's fair and what's not and I feel as though I can't ask my friends and family because they will always take my side and try to make me feel better or see it more from my point of view than his. the outlook is bias off the bat so its not fair. maybe I should see a therapist just so I have someone who can help me organize my thoughts and that I can talk to and tell things to instead of keeping it all inside. I just don't know how to feel anymore, about anything honestly. all I know is im tired and overwhelmed and depressed. I don't want to be around anyone, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't really want anything anymore. anyways, I completely got off track, I don't know if my anger is justified or not when it comes to my relationship. he is trying and putting in effort and yet I get mad at him for other things. if the roles were reversed I would hate it. to be doing everything I possibly can to prove myself just to be chasized about something else

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

October 3rd 2022

 This love that I feel is so scary. I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love him and its to the point Its such an overwhelming feeling and I want to cry sometimes. Its indescribable. I’ve never been so confident in knowing that this is my person, this is the man I want to marry, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love him..and it scares me. It scares me because with all the other times I've loved, I've been hurt but this? This is so intense, so fulfilling, so passionate, so heartwarming. And if the others hurt as bad as it did and it was nothing like this kind of love, how bad is this going to hurt? I know, I know, I shouldn't be pessimistic and I should only think positively, but again, with all the times I've been left for and hurt, how can I not think of the possibility that it could happen again? When I look at him, I get lost. When I hear him laugh it warms my heart. When he smiles I watch every detail of his face change. When he talks, I could listen forever. When I hug him, I never want to let go. I could trace every tattoo on his body and never get bored of the same pattern. I look forward to marrying him. I've never been so confident with any decision in my life the way I am when it comes to knowing that this is the man I want to marry. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. If I didn't have him anymore, if he wasn't the one by my side. I would be lost, I would give up all hope of loving again, because if this isn't true love then I don't know what is. There’s no way this isn't the person im suppose to be with forever. Even in my last relationships I NEVER felt like this. there was always doubt, there was always that feeling of “this isn't it. there's someone else out there for me” but I've never once had that thought with him. we’re 7 months into our relationship and I actually haven't gotten bored or lost feelings for him. From past experiences, I would be bored or just content, no love lost just content. This though? There is no boredom, there is no “content” feeling. I love him just as much as I did 3 months ago, if not more. Im EXCITED to marry him, I've never been excited to spend the rest of my life with ANYONE before. I finally know what its like to be in love and I don't want to lose that. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

August 21st 2022

I can't remember the last time I was truly happy and I don't know how to fix it. I was asked almost a week ago what makes me happy and I couldn't even give an answer and was told that, that was worrisome. I’ve been thinking of that ever since. What does make me happy? And why am I not happy anymore? I never want to go out anymore. I don't really care about drinking or partying and all I do is stay home or go to work. Maybe that’s why im not happy anymore? But that's nothing any different, I've always been a workaholic but this is different. I don't know what's wrong with me. At this point I can't even differentiate when I am and am not in my depressive state anymore. I don't know what to do, I've just been living life day by day and I feel like im wasting it and I just don't know what to do. This isn't what life is suppose to be. I’ve always said that but its like no matter how hard I try things just either don't change or get worst and im just at a stump now. All I want to do is isolate myself. I don't want to go out, I don't want to spend Money, I don't want to drink or party and yet when I keep to myself and the day is over I feel like I've wasted a whole day of doing nothing. its a vicious cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't like how I’ve been feeling lately but at the same time I feel nothing. I don't know how to explain it. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

July 3rd 2022

I don't understand why ill never be enough for myself. im exactly where I wanted and wished to be years ago. I graduated school, I have my own apartment, my own car, a loving boyfriend. and yet, everything I do for myself still isn't enough. Maybe its because im struggling financially. Because I know I shouldn't have gotten this comfortable and know I can do better. but that's the thing, I always think I can be in a better position than I am in my current state. I don't know what I can do to make myself happy anymore. Everyone always tells me im too hard on myself but I don't know any other way. I have to be perfect, I have to have everything set up for myself all the time, I can't ever stumble. in my head im not allowed to. im not allowed to fail, im not allowed to stumble. I have to be perfect. and when I do stumble, when I do fail, I am so so so hard on myself. I don't understand why Im like this. I fucking hate it. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

June 25 2022

I now understand what they meant when they said “you’ll know when you know”. I’ve never been more sure about someone before. This is it. And if it's not, if I get hurt in the process, I don't think ill ever love anyone the way I love him. He is the love of my life, he is the one I want forever, he is my everything. He is the reason all my other relationships didn't work, he's the one ive been waiting for. The love gives me is everything I dreamed of. And the best part about it, is its not perfect. As a perfectionist, knowing that this love isn't perfect actually makes me love it even more. Because its real, its raw, its uncut. We argue, there's insecurities, there’s overthinking, but there has never been doubt, never a lack of love. We work things out, talk things over. This is everything I've ever wanted. 

Please...please let this be my last relationship. I love him and I don't want to let him go. I want this one forever. If I don't end up with him forever, I don't think I can ever love again. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

I think it gets really bad when you have a whole breakdown and the only thing that calms you down is the thought of death. When death seems more peaceful than living, there's a problem. Logically, I know this. But the feeling of death’s hand caressed around my cheek and chin just feels so comforting. Something about it is just welcoming. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

June 18

It’s insane. This whole thing is absolutely crazy. Is this really it? Is this really the rest of my life? Have I found my person? I’m almost speechless. I’ve never felt something like this before.. They always say you’ll know when you know, and when I ask myself that I just think of him and smile. This is scary. I don't think I've ever felt this type of feeling for someone else in my life. Not even in my past relationships. I really thought that my last relationship was it.. ok no, no I didn't. something always told me there was more for me out there and deep down I knew he wasn't the one. Which is what makes this even crazier, in my past relationships I somehow had this voice in my head telling me “this isn't the one” every time and every time I never listened because I always thought it was just in my head and it didn't mean anything, so I would try to make it work anyways. But even when I would try to imagine a future with them I just couldn't, it was always fuzzy or it just didn't feel right. The thought of my last boyfriend proposing to me didn't feel right and I knew that if he did I would have said no. But this one? THIS ONE?? I’ve never had a more clear vision of my future with someone and it scares the living fuck out of me. Because what if I get hurt this time too? What if this is really it for me and I've fallen in love with the person im finally suppose to be with but he breaks my heart. I don't want anyone else, I can't picture myself with anyone else. I don't have that voice in my head telling me that there's more out there for me, I found him, I have him. I don't want to lose him. This is insane, the fact that I am so sure about this and so confident is just blowing my mind. There is literally not a single doubt in my mind that this is who im suppose to be with. Maybe im just going crazy. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

June 3rd

I don't think I've ever longed for someone like this before

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

May 29

Why do they almost always become obsessive? I don't understand, and its mostly the ones I've never been physical with. They become obsessive and possessive and I just don't understand. I would love to learn the psychology behind it. Is it me? Maybe it is my fault, not in the sense that im the reason they become obsessive but in the sense of the men I pick. Apparently I pick the mentally unstable ones because this isn't normal for one person to go through the same thing multiple times. it starts with “love” and then from there it progresses into an obsessive type of thing. I don't know how to explain it. My ex, has always tried to come back, always telling me that im all he can think about and how he needs me in his life and can't move on without me. I don't answer his phone calls and he shows up to my apartment at 2am and asks for me back and demands to talk to me or he won't leave. Another guy that I haven't dated or even seen since we were 15 is the same way. Postin got social media about how he does me and he always has and always will. Then telling my sister that he won't give up. She told him its been a long time since him and I have been together and he needs to move on and he literally told her “I understand what you're saying but im not going to stop” then I try to tell him the same thing and his response is the same “im never going to stop” THEN he shows up to my gym at the same time that im there and admits that he knew the location and guessed the time that I show up and that's why he was there. Now my current boyfriend, I don't really want to say he's obsessed. But he is moving pretty fast, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because we’ve known each other for 10 years but we’ve only been dating for 3 months. He’s already told his mom that he's going to marry me, he admitted after a month of us dating that he was falling in love with me, and now he got our anniversary date tattooed on him. I don't want to be freaked out and im not but talking to other people about it, its starting to make me question it. I love him though, and it doesn't freak me out at all. I just hope this doesn't end badly. I think its just going a little fast

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

May, 16

 Nothing bad has even happened. Things are actually good. Maybe this is my self sabotage coming through or my trust issues. Shit maybe even both. I want to trust him and I do to an extent. I just cant help myself.. I wish I could I really do. But at the end of the day I've realized that I really do love him. Every day I realize how much I really do love this man. I try so hard to tell myself I don't and convince myself that its not real or its just something I think I feel. But I do. Every now and then new thoughts come into my head that makes me realize that this is love. I don't pray very much but tonight I prayed for him. It started off with me praying that he will always be with me and that we end up together but then it turned into me just praying for him. praying that he stays healthy and motivated and headed down the right path, even if its not with me. I want him to be mine, but even if he's not I want nothing but the best for him. I want him to be happy, I want him to be successful, I want him to live a full and happy life. I want him to have everything he's ever wanted and more in life. And I want to be there beside him when he gets it all. But if by some odd chance its not me.. I still want all of that for him. I’ve been so concerned on if he's been truthful when he's showed me nothing but honesty so far these past couple months. But I have my own issues and my own doubts. Maybe I don't deserve a healthy relationship. I’m just too broken.. But that's not the point. The point is, I feel so deeply for this man that I've come to realize that even if im not beside him, I want him to have everything. It PAINS me to think about not having him beside me, brings tears to my eyes to think about even losing him. But no matter where this life takes us, I want him to be happy above all. I don't think I've ever been so selflessly in love before. I just hope and pray that this isn't another lesson for me. I don't want anymore character development. I want this. I want this more than anything. I want HIM more than anything. I think, even if this ends in tears on my end. Even if im angry at him if things end I will always wish him nothing but the best. After everything he really does deserve it. I don't care what anyone says anymore. If I look stupid, if I “deserve better” , this is what I want. We don't get to choose who we love and I love him. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

April, 29

Trust. trust, trust, trust. Why is it so hard to put trust into someone. So easy and yet so fucking hard. I believe what he tells me but at the same time I have that other voice in my head that’s telling me that I know better than to listen to such foolish, sweet, little nothing’s. I surely have a devil and an angel on each of my shoulders. The angel tells me that its ok to love again and that this could end with happiness. Not everything has to end in hurt and despair. But the devil on the other shoulder reminds me of how that pain and despair felt and how It is very possible to go through it all over again. The two fight with each other on either side of my shoulders while I take in each word from both mouths very carefully and dissect which truth I choose to believe. I choose to believe parts of the angel that say that this could be real. Keep trying, keep going, and keep loving the way that you are. It’s ok. But I also heed the warning of the devil when he says, Be careful. This could end just as badly, if not worst than the others. Haven't you learned your listen the first 2 times? Don't be stupid this time and don't trust him. Every time you trust you end up hurt. You have to protect yourself. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

How do you know you’re in love? 

Such a hard question for me to answer. How do you truly explain how someone makes you feel? When I see your name come up on my phone I get this overwhelming feeling of happiness. When I talk to you, I can’t help but smile. When I see you, its crazy because I've known you for years but still get nervous. Not like a gut wrenching feeling. In an excited, happy kind of way. When I think about you, all my problems seem so miniscule. Talking over the phone everyday is one thing, but when I finally got to see you, it was a feeling I really can't even describe. Being able to look into your eyes really did feel like there was no one else in the world, just us. it’s so fucking cliche but that's seriously how it felt. I’ve never felt so selfless in love before. After seeing you, I couldn't get enough. I wanted to stay longer, I wanted to hold you, hug you, kiss you, take you home with me ): 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

April, 22

Redefining love. He is redefining love for me. I use to think that love was a feeling. Something that was like in the books or movies, the way you would get swept off your feet and live happily ever after. I think about the love I had for my last relationships and it was nothing like this. My first love, was truly puppy love. I was young and he was the first guy I ever felt like that with. Looking back though, I know it wasn't true. My first love, taught me that it is ok to love. Before him, I never believed in it, never thought about falling for anyone, but then he came along and taught me that love is real and it is possible for me to feel that way for another person. He also taught me that, you can’t always trust the person you love. That being angry all the time and being controlled and yelled at wasn't what someone who is suppose to love you does. You're not suppose to question it and your partner is not suppose to put you down mentally and emotionally. We were young and I felt dumb for letting myself go through what I did with him, but looking back, I see it as more of a lesson. 

My second love was definitely one to learn from. I wouldn't call it so much love though, now that I look back at this one. It was most definitely a trauma bond. Someone I thought I loved because of everything we went through together. it was a selfish love. Not the type of love that anyone should live with for the rest of their lives. With him, I learned that it is ok to love again after being hurt. Since, after the first one I never wanted to feel that kind of hurt again. This love taught me that understanding is a huge part of a relationship. Not because we had it, but because we didn't. This love was purely about selfishness and how we made one another feel. Almost like an addiction. The constant fights and blame that was put on one another wasn't healthy. He taught me that, forgiveness is a huge part. That, when you love someone you don't hold things against them if you truly want something to work. It shouldn't be a constant battle of tug of war with one another. 

This love though? What im experiencing right now, is what I imagined love to be like. It's gentle, so so gentle. It’s about communication and understanding. When you have a problem, you talk it out without needing to raise your voice, just voice your thoughts and feelings. There is no name calling, no blame, no acting out of character. Never once has this love made me feel any less than what I am or what I deserve. It's more than just a feeling, it’s a connection. It’s the type of love that doesn't make you question anything. There are no “what if’s” or “maybes”. This love is full of both smiles and tears, but in the best of ways. This love makes me feel safe. It gets frustrating but not in the way that makes you want to give up, in a way that makes you want to try even harder. It's exciting and comforting at the same time. I’ve seen a future with my other loves before but not like this. This one is different. This is the type of love that I want to keep, the type that I think everyone deserves to experience. I have my doubts at times, I won't lie. But I think the reason behind it, is because it scares me. It feels so real compared to the other experiences I've had, I don't want to lose it. But here’s to hoping that this is the end to all the heartbreak and broken down tears. I’ve already come this far, why not just jump. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

April, 13

Stuck. im so stuck right now. I... I don't even know what to say really. It’s not even that big of a deal. I’m just not use to dealing with these type of things in this way. The arguing and not being able to talk all day because of the circumstances. I try to put my feelings aside and be the understanding one, but that's not what a relationship is about right? I should be able to feel the way I feel and not feel bad for it, right? I want to be understanding and I am to an extent, but idk its just not fair in my mind. But im so fucking stupid and I put the people I love’s needs and feelings above my own. Why does this feel so draining already.. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

March 31 2022

Sometimes I get worried that im going to lose feelings for him, but its literally only the days that we don't talk. But as soon as I get to talk to him again, those feelings just come rushing back. I think one of my biggest fears is that i’m afraid of wasting my time with someone that isn't the right one. im getting too old to be making these mistakes anymore. But when I think about it, I actually kind of have the best of both worlds. I have someone that I want but I can also do whatever I want. he's already voiced that he knows im a free women and I can go out and sleep with other people if I want to, its just going to stop once he gets out. but that's 2 years from now, I should definitely be ready by then right? I wish I could stop overthinking about this whole thing, it would make life so much easier. I’m going out tonight, once I get drunk I think ill realize my true feelings and honestly, I think my true feelings will be that I miss him and want to be with him. He’s all I ever think about anyways, and honestly I don't want that to go away. I don't want to lose feelings for him. Im not saying that I am losing feelings, I still have strong feelings for him, I just don't want that to go away. But the fact im thinking that right now, does that mean its going to happen? Or am I just afraid that im going to self sabotage like I always do.. I think that's what it is, im afraid I'm going to self sabotage and I can't do that anymore. This is something that I want, so why would I push it away or pull away from it. Jesus maybe I do need a damn therapist, all my friends keep telling me that I need one. I love him. When I talk to him, it makes me so happy. But again, the days I don't talk to him I feel like my feelings fade away. Is that normal? I've learned that love is work. It’s not about a “feeling” its not always about those butterflies and happiness and giddiness. it’s communication, its commitment, its wanting to be there for the other person at their lowest. It’s when that “honeymoon phase” is over and there's no longer that gut wrenching “love” feeling that’s there anymore when you really know if you love someone. And as I type this out, im realizing that. I’m realizing that im really not going to have this feeling forever. im not always going to want to talk to him and vice versa. its not always going to be cupcakes and rainbows and teenage, summer love feelings. But I know that when those butterfly feelings go away, I really do want to be there for him. I want to be the person who helps him when he gets out. The one who gets to build a foundation with him when he's ready. The one that motivates him and makes him smile when he's upset. I want to spend time with him, annoy him, and piss him off. I want those face to face heated arguments just for us to be over it in a couple hours and come to an understanding. I don't think I want those butterfly, teenage summer love feelings forever. I want something real. Because chasing that feeling is like an addict chasing a high. It’s fun at first, of course but its not going to be that way forever. That’s not love. Wanting a relationship with those feelings all the time is not real love, its lust. its selfish. its a high that’s never going to last if you just keep moving from one person to the next. Holy shit, am I realizing that im falling in love? is THIS love??? I already knew I loved him but to say im in love with him was completely different. But for me to feel this way about him and at the same time come to the realization that love is more than just a feeling..thats different. I’m deadass having an epiphany right now, this is insane. 

[mylovelylittlealithoughts]

Yup, its love. I love him. I think I might even be in love with him and Jesus Christ that scares the living shit out of me. Who would have thought that this would be it? Given our past and all these years, how did this happen? Someone that I met 10 years ago and didn't even take a second glance at like that. Someone I lived under the same roof as for months and the thought never crossed my mind. but it crossed his, that's the funny part. His crush that he had on me all those years ago never actually went away. He would try to make so many moves on me and I would shove him away, tell him to move, kick him out of the room, never thought twice about how he felt or what he was doing. He was just my best friend’s little brother. The annoying little brother that would come into her room and try to hangout with us and we would tell him to get the fuck out. We would tease him, and make fun of him, and tell him he couldn't hang out with us. But now??? NOW, he's all I think about, all I want, all I see. I love him and I want nothing but to be with him. I’ve been scared this whole time to let my feelings go but fuck it, im just going to do it. im going to let my feelings go and say that im in love with him. he said it first and it seems real on his half and if it is then that's great. and if it isn't then it is what it is and life moves on whether you're happy and in love or sad and heartbroken. If this is a lesson, what I need to keep in mind is that this is a lesson about love itself. self reflection. it’s ok to get hurt. its ok to feel like you'll never love again or that you don't want to ever love again, but at the end of the day everyone wants to be loved. I don't care who you are, everyone needs love, everyone craves love, everyone loves to be loved. And if this doesn't work out, that's what I need to keep in mind. no matter how many times I get hurt, I have to keep an open mind and an open heart when it comes to love and take it all as a lesson. Hopefully this one isn't a lesson because I actually want it to work and I want this to last and I want to see where it goes. I see a future with him and I want to be there for him, and I really hope that what he says he feels is true and not just something that he thinks is true because of his situation. I keep getting told to listen to my inner femininity and listen to my intuition and listen to my heart. all things that I don't usually listen to. what I do listen to is my head. and my head is a very depressing and manipulative place to be and it tends to self sabotage a lot and I swear to god I don't want to do that with him. So, instead of listening to my head this time. im going to listen to my heart and my inner self. and this is actually going to be the first time EVER that I do this. and my heart and my intuition is telling me that; even though this might not be IT, this may or may not be your forever, its definitely worth going for and feeling. This love is something that you need and something he needs. Don't fuck it up and don't push it away. Let it happen. and so that's exactly what im going to do. Im going to get rid of all negative thoughts that come into my head about this and im going to try it. im going to love him the way I feel like I do. and see where it goes. wish me luck  because I told myself I would never be in love again. and yet here I am...falling in love