mymadameinred-blog

[mymadameinred-blog]

As long as you're working to improve yourself in other ways, and or are enjoying the time that ticks past you've never wasted your time. My life has taught me, that there is no such thing as wasted time.

Stop saying you're broken... You have short comings and flaws, we all have them... You're capable of so much, and you will accomplish more than you give yourself credit for.

It will hurt, It will be uncomfortable, and there will be days when you ask "what did I do to deserve this?"

Even still you must persist and suffer through it... The only way through this wall, is through it... Whether you use a jackhammer, chisel, blowtorch, spoon, or your own bare hands.

It's an obstacle to be overcome, it's not your end.

I believe in you! You are special, and I know you'll achieve things far greater than I ever could!

But it's your choice to pick up a tool and carve through this wall... I'll be here, ready to offer support and encouragement! If need be I'll pick up a tool and help you through it!  

I feel horrible about how uneducated and unaccomplished I am. It’s not that I lack the cognitive machinery that it takes to comprehend what I need to in order to accomplish what I want to. Instead, I’m broken in other ways that make study really difficult.

I miss the constant validation of being in a super-advanced program.

In high school I cared so much about being one year ahead or two years ahead or three years ahead of where I would normally be. After high school I hit a wall because of mental illness, and now I’m so far behind that it wouldn’t have mattered if I had just stayed in normal classes.

I hear you’re mentally at your best in your early 20s. I hope that’s not true. In terms of intellectual accomplishment, I’m wasting away that time.

[mymadameinred-blog]

The Next Steps...

The path I tread is one that other women like myself have...

Though I'm uncertain of how the journey will weather me...

I worry about my feet stepping into a trap...

I worry that I might witness more horrors...

Next week I ask if I'm capable of this journey... The path of military service.

 But I also worry that I'm perfectly suited for the tasks they'll have me do.

I worry about what would happen if I don't walk this road.

I hope to be there to help and protect others...

I know I can do that much at least!

This journey promises personal growth at an unprecedented rate...

When the dust settles hopefully, it'll reveal a woman in that uniform and armor.  

[mymadameinred-blog]

Femininity

What does it mean to be female?

What makes someone a woman?

Is it the mere possession of a working uterus?

Is it the choice to wear silks, satins, bows, and or heels?

To me each woman defines what being a female means.

Womanhood to me, is more than: clothing, makeup, or even the physical body. 

It is more than mannerisms, or the way one would carry themselves.

It is an abstract concept to me... I know it as a feeling of belonging...

In my mind femininity has no definition, nor does it have any restraints.

Combat uniforms, chainmail, Kevlar helmets, short hair, rifles, lipstick, heels, dresses, long hair, and purses...  All of those things can be worn by a woman, and are equally feminine.

A woman can be born without a uterus, and indeed without arms and or legs...

Is she any les of a woman?

 My answer, she is a woman, as long as she feel that sense of belonging to femininity.   

I'm a woman much in the same way... I feel that I belong as a woman.

Even if I'm clad in armor and a combat uniform... I still feel like a woman.

Even if you don't see a woman... I'm a woman!

I'm a woman no matter: what I'm wearing, how I act, or what my body has or doesn't have!   

[mymadameinred-blog]

Living Out Of A Duffle Bag...

I've ben surviving by my wits end for the last year...

I've moved at least six times... Every time I left I carried only what I could bear on my back...

My bed, and home are wherever I lay my head...

I've been attacked thrown out, and have ran away...

Right now I'm staying with a friend...

I'm living as a day laborer... And scavenger, collecting scrap metal.

My two feet are my source of transportation...

I wouldn't recommend my life... But I still recommend life as a whole!

There is beauty, to be found of the city scape, and it's people... The way they're always moving... Rushing to their graves...

The streets pumping cars and people to work... I wonder if the concrete and pavement is alive... If so we're it's blood and nourishment.

I must be a symbiotic bacteria... Helping make it more efficient... Or perhaps as some suggest, a leech pulling blood and nutrients out of the city...

[mymadameinred-blog]

"Ugly" Women

Transgender women are no exception to the standards of beauty placed on women...

If we're pretty, we don't feel pretty enough... If were not considered pretty we hate the ones that are...

Just like cisgender women we tear each other down and apart... 

We're critical of each other's flaws and traits... we call each other less of a women, and worse yet less of ourselves...

I'm flat chested... I've got a beard... I've no uterus...

Whether or not I've got: breasts, estrogen in my system, a vagina, or a uterus... I'M A WOMAN!

There are bearded cisgender women by the way!

There are cisgender women born without a uterus!

There are cisgender women who are flat chested! 

It's a mathematical certainty that a woman somewhere in the world has all three of these "masculine" traits...

Is she any less of a women?

If a person was reduced to a brain in a jar... Would that person have a gender? If that person was me would I be any less of a woman?

Or would being merely a brain, make my claim more valid?

What is a "man?" What Is a "woman?"

I don't like be defined by whether or not I'm found attractive!

The problem isn't undergoing surgery, or  taking hormones...

It is fighting our own and society's expectations of what it means to be a woman!

Remember as a transgender woman you redefine femininity!

Ultimately we are the draftees in a war against gender!

Pick up a rifle and charge into the trenches with me!

I can't do this alone...

[mymadameinred-blog]

Absolutely stunning and beautiful especially the black one with straps.

wedding gowns by Stella De Libero

[mymadameinred-blog]

My Hands And Mind Are Twitching...

My mind is drifting... I find my hands following the motions I practiced for reloading my pistol...

My mind is surveying the possible threats... I find my heart racing... Soon enough I'm clutching a knife and hiding in a closet...

I hush my breathing and steady my hands... I can hear footsteps... I can hear my mother's voice, and suddenly I hear my Father shouting...

I hear metal hitting the walls, glass shattering against the floor, and a fist against a wooden surface...

I begin to cry... This isn't real, it can't be real... This was real, but it's not now! Tears stream down my face in the shadows...

My fingers caress the edge of the blade, I think to myself I can end this right now... My mind says it's either me or him. 

I ready myself to kill him I'm smiling, and laughing... I swing open my closet door and burst out of it... only...

This isn't his house... I'm at my friends house... I suddenly feel as though my sanity is slipping...

I begin to question my own ability... I begin to realize I might be a monster...

I've almost killed without hesitation... I've spit on slapped, punched, kicked, beaten, cut, stabbed, and threatened people...

Am I no better?

[mymadameinred-blog]

I'm Tired Of The Old Argument Against Same Sex Marriage!

That argument being same sex marriages don't produce children... well maybe let them adopt the children straight people don't want. Since abortion is apparently wrong!

But then to say marriage is an institution of love.. Ha! If it's an institution of love, why is it's purpose to further families by the argument? At that point it's marry this person you're not attracted to, and have no feelings for.

That's an arranged marriage... where these two people coming together serves the families' needs. Whether it's money, land, and or children...

If that's the case and it's for population growth, why is cloning wrong? they're literally denying an infinite source of children, who by the way could all be the way you want them to be. (Genetically speaking) 

I've not even touched on the subject of people who are sterile either from birth or from circumstance... Should they not marry? They won't produce children...

If it's only about producing children, why is prostitution frowned upon?

It's simple, the people who make this argument are assholes, who don't know what they're talking about!

[mymadameinred-blog]

Am I Too Coarse?

I'm speaking as a transgender woman from the ghetto...

Am I in the wrong place?

Is my personality too strong?

I don't like complaining, and I don't like standing still!

My hands are at home behind a sword, firearm, and or knife...

My body is comfortable in armor: steel plate, leather, chainmail, and or Kevlar... 

My whole life has been earned by the edge of my sanity... I'm not used to having to be polite or considerate... I'm used to speaking quickly and clearly...

I'm used to talking through my weapons and armor...

So am I too coarse?

[mymadameinred-blog]

What It Means To be Human.

Being human means you're:

Mortal, vulnerable, selfish, lustful, greedy, lazy, deceitful, prideful, vain, manipulative, wrathful, cruel, and imperfect....

And that's okay!

It's okay if you have any of these traits, because every human has at least four of these traits.

Being a human means that at your core you're merely an animal, trying to survive and spread your genes... and or species.

Don't fight your nature, or your true self. Embrace your "sins," desires, vices, and flaws... because you're denying your very core.

Be who you are!

Be human!

[mymadameinred-blog]

"Boy Mode" and "Passing"

The idea is that transgender woman can blend into the background, by either pretending to be a boy, or completing the illusion and being seen as a cisgender woman.

I hate both ideas equally... I especially dislike the fact that our options for "blending in" are on the farthest extremes.

Like it or not our bodies are not the same as our cisgender counterparts... By focusing on being invisible and silent, you become those things.

We have unique needs and desires, but every human has unique needs and desires.

 Stand up announce yourself! Be loud, proud and grateful that you're taking the steps toward being yourself!

If anybody wants to give you crap for not being "feminine" enough or being too "masculine." Tell them to FUCK OFF!

I'm tired of being the "freak" because I'm one of the few visible transgender females.

I understand you don't want to be hurt, but by staying silent, You're enabling other women to be hurt.

You're strong, beautiful, and brave! Every one of us is!

Lets show the world how many of us exist!

We need to show the world the true power of will and resolve, that lives within each of us!

Stand up and shout I'M A WOMAN!

Scream it as loud as you can!

Cast off all notions of masculine and feminine! Embrace yourself, and love yourself! Respect your own internal femininity, and be yourself.

Part of the fun of being a transgender woman is assaulting what's in good tastes!

So stop being pleasant, and nice. It's our time to be seen and heard!

[mymadameinred-blog]

The War On Drugs...

Is a massive failure... It is penis shaped urine stain in the pages of our law and history books... I've been denied employment, because of my antidepressants, that were prescribed to me, by a licensed practitioner... To treat the symptoms of depression.

But more than that, I've been thinking... What is the difference between my antidepressants and their street equivalent, and the answer is not much of a difference if at all...

I started to ask what is the difference between someone like me who is told by the medical community to take drugs, and someone on the street told by the dealers to take drugs...

I'm taking them to make me feel better, so that I don't feel the pain of everyday life the same way that someone else might take painkillers... And same way one might turn to drinking... 

So I ask what does the war on drugs really mean? The answer I've found is so that someone in the world may feel superior to us mortals for not having engaged in the "sin" of chemical dependency...

It's a war that benefits those with power... Whilst screwing over the people who need the substances to survive... Imagine if the war on drugs is taken to it's farthest extreme, and no chemical substance is acceptable for human consumption...

Soon food becomes limited and outlawed... Where does it end? Are blood thinners soon to be banned from over the counter sales?

By banning a substance you're only increasing demand, and putting power in the hands of very desperate and dangerous people!

And you're only creating more desperate people who find their very existence linked to the chemical of their choice... Need I remind any of you about prohibition?

Every person engages in "sin" I can guarantee that much.

[mymadameinred-blog]

We're All Human.

Behind every badge and or uniform is a beating heart... Each and every heart has it's own reason for wearing them.

Every warrior is just a person... Dig through their uniform pockets and you'll find: poetry, letters from home, pictures of their family, letters to home, and symbols of their faith...

Often times we think that uniform hides and hardens people, but truth be told it exposes and softens them. It exposes them to the worst humanity has to offer... And we as civilians only see them as the uniform and or badge...

Even on the other side of that uniform, talk to gangsters, you'll see there is a beating heart behind all the rags and tattoos... Dig in their pockets You'll find: poetry, pictures of their family, letters from home, letters to home, and symbols of their faith...

We are all human... Whether your cause is worn on; metal, cloth, plastic, and or skin... You're a person!

[mymadameinred-blog]

Still Alive...

I was recently overwhelmed by old memories, and sadness.... All of the terrible things I've seen... All of the terrible things I've done... All of my struggles...

Is it worth it? Is it worth all of the pain and despair I've incurred to continue my existence, or am I merely existing to achieve some unfulfillable purpose imposed upon myself? Should I ask and beg for my end already?

Or should I grab my sword and attend my post? The same mission I've always held... The same goal and life that caused al of this...

Is it worth it?

To abandon my mission I'd end up being consumed by the pain I've caused and incurred... But I've also prevented people from feeling so much of this despair...

I've been told personally, that I'm the reason some of the people I've encountered are still alive...

Yet I have to ask myself, is it worth it?

My blood ends with me... I've no other purpose... I exist only as a shield... My body is meant to be broken, but I fear my mind may be slipping, and calling for death...

I'm still alive, but to what end?

[mymadameinred-blog]

We're all born of nothing, only to return to nothing.

Lady Sadness Silent Madness

[mymadameinred-blog]

I know the feeling, only I smiling in person and frowning on my I.D.

literally been in this exact situation

[mymadameinred-blog]

You gave up your future, lost your dreams, and are stained with despair... yet at the same time, you shake off your past, fight reality, and never lose your nobility.

Sebastian Michaelis