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i know sander sides wasnt intended to be written as portraying DID, but oh my god it hits different after discovering im a system. we feel so seen and understood

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I dont think I've ever actually posted here before hah, but I wanted to make a note of this for us and wasn't sure where best, but I almost remember a bit of teenagerhood when we used to be on here lots, so idk felt comfy to me.

So I really like scrolling the 90s nostalgia tag on tiktok and the like backrooms/dreamscape/liminal spaces kinda ones, usually with that "aquatic ambience" sound cause it just... it feels more like home than my own memories do sometimes...

So much is blocked out for me, and so much just doesn't feel like me. But the vibe is there. And I want to be able to go back home. Back to when I wasn't stuck in a grown adult body with adult problems and responsibilities.

Although something else that I've realized... I felt safest in my childhood when I was alone.

I see the images of kids playing with other kids or just sitting watching the old Disney logo opening with other kids or at a playground with parents. And like... that was all well a fun, but it was in a kind of exhilarating and exciting way. In an unpredictable adrenaline rush way. Because I never felt safe. I never knew when the person I'm with might turn on me and the fun time turn into a nightmare. Whether they would suddenly hate me or I do something to make them change their mind or anything could happen making the whole thing change in a snap. Even when I was happy, I was scared. I was waiting.

I only ever felt safe when I was alone. Thats why my happiest memories are quiet, peaceful moments where it was just me. I was the only one I could trust or rely on.

-M

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Listen I know why they won't let me follow through with the shit that I want to because of legal consequences and blah blah blah

But I feel like stirring the shit pot should be allowed. Like I'm not even suggesting we do anything illegal. I just want her to know what a shit mom she's been. It's not even our mom I wanna say it to! I mean sure that's where my true anger lies lol, but mannnnn would I love to let her be the punching bag and take out all my mommy issues on her ahahaha. I mean from what our friend said (her daughter) she's shit enough to deserve it.

I could take out a few mommy issues on her actually.... thinking about our spawn's dead beat birth mother could certainly inspire some extra rage too.

Ughh I just hate that we don't get to start any shit, even when it falls directly into our lap. Like she messaged us trying to start shit! I hate this turn the other cheek bullshit.

Not to mention people would know not to start things if I could actually build us a reputation. I know that's half of the reason why I don't get to do shit tho, cause the body has an image and is known and expected to be a certain way. I just really fucking wish I could have it my way too. My own body. My own person. My own reputation. So people would know not to start shit with me that they can't finish.

Like has anyone ever actually had the balls to tell her to her face what a useless unwanted cunt she is??? She clearly is super fucking insecure but has anyone ever looked her in the eye and actually told her her worst fears are true and nobody loves her cause she treats people like shit??? She can dish it out but I guarantee she couldn't take the heat. And nobody should even be daring to dish it out to me or my people. And sure this "friend" hasn't really been a friend to me exactly, but she's friends with the others in the system, so that makes her good enough to be in my protection too.

-Azle rants

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the system experience of being blurry is always so wild because it's like, it feels like knowing who you are should be very simple, but then suddenly it's impossible to tell and it's like "am I this guy? am I someone else but masking heavily? am I new here? am I multiple people co-fronting? what even is a person? can I ever truly know myself? do I even exist? what if I'm a figment of another alter's imagination?" and then you listen to the right song or something and it's like "oh of course"

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hosts when they first started noticing the system: oh yeah there's a few other people i think, 3 at most tho

the rest of the system, hiding in headspace:

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it's been a while since I posted, so here's a meme

–John

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Trauma that is uncommon is still trauma.

Trauma that is common is still trauma.

Trauma that you can't remember is still trauma.

Trauma that you CAN remember is still trauma.

Trauma that was physical is still trauma.

Trauma that was psychological is still trauma.

These events affected you negatively and noone can decide whether or not they were traumatizing except for you.

[myminimes]

"everytime I think about my childhood my head hurts"

wow maybe it's because you're fighting layers of dissociative amnesia that were put there for a reason and you're thinking about things you aren't supposed to know

(this is a self callout)

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if you’re friends with the host of a system please PLEASE make an effort to get to know the others in the system. a lot of the time, since the host fronts the most, the other people in the system aren’t able to socialise as much and end up without much of a support group or many friends. reaching out means the world!!

- enquire about a certain headmate! how are they doing? what have they been up to?

- message alters even when they aren’t in front. make them feel wanted even when they’re not around

- @ them in things that remind you of them!! if they have their own accounts on tumblr send asks!!

being a member of a system comes with unrelenting struggles and worries, and it is in your power to be able to alleviate some of these concerns. make your system friends feel loved!! [:

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A guide to Summoning / Manual switching

Intro: Summoning is a method we developed based on our experiences in order to help a polyfrag system connect and switch between alters as needed. It is built around the psychology of the brain as we understand it, and involves trying to use the sections of the brain that a given alter exists in. Hopefully that allows this to be a widly usable tool for many system types c:

The base idea is simple: Try think about how the alter you would like to summon would respond to a given question or stimulis.

For example the system we helped develop this with likes to start with conversation starter questions; "if you had a signature perfume, what would it smell like?" or "what would you title your autobiography?" And with that thinking about how the alter would answer those questions. Or for us the questions might be "What would they like to be doing right now?" or "how would they respond to the joke that was just told?"

From there it can be helpful to go into deeper questions, such as "how do they think about themself?" And as yous go through these, you may find that the alter being summoned is approaching, and maybe even answering for themself.

And I suppose thats summoning! Hope it helps yalls c:

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I'm super worried that I'm gonna go to therapy and learn that my trauma isn't bad enough for a cdd or that I really dont have any trauma besides what I remember. That somehow I experience being a system without it being possible that I could be one.

My whole world as I know it would crumble and its even worse cause it seems so possible with how little trauma I remember.

Is there anything that makes it so trauma is more impactful? Or maybe I really was just sensitive?

I've fought so hard for people to believe me, what if I was wrong and I genuinely lose everything?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, anon. I want you to know, though, that trauma is not an event or set of events. Trauma is your reaction to those events. Something that is effectively harmless to one person can be traumatic to another. If you were distressed to the point of making use of dissociation as a coping mechanism in your early childhood, that’s all it takes. All it takes it for something to stress you, an impressionable and helpless child, out enough for you to need to dissociate repeatedly to cope with it. There’s no trauma that’s “enough” or “not enough” to cause a CDD.

Allow me to remind you, as well, that it’s completely normal for you to not remember most of your trauma at this point. And that which you do remember, you may not realize the extent of. It’s very common (it is a symptom of the disorder, actually) to minimize what you went through to yourself/to not realize how harmful it was to you.

What makes trauma more impactful? How sensitive you are to it. This could be caused by a million things, pathological and not.

I see a lot of systems worrying about whether their trauma was “enough” or not, and I challenge them with this: Not only was it “enough”— there’s no such thing as “bad enough”. A divorce, bullying in young childhood and not being supported well enough, physical neglect, poverty, natural disasters, emotional neglect, parentification, isolation— the list goes on.

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Something I've never understood was innerworlds. We've always assumed we just dont have one because our experience never sounded like anyone elses.

What is an innerworld like? Is it like dreaming, where you sorta experience things and then come back and feel kinda weird about the whole thing?

Is it just mostly a collection of memories you have when you come back?

Or is it like something else entirely?

An innerworld is first and foremost a tool. The online community makes it seem like it’s something that comes in the box, part of the package deal— but that’s not really the case. A large amount, if not a majority, of CDD systems have to work either on their own or in therapy to build an innerworld. I am one of those, actually.

It truly depends on the imagination/level of visualization of the person in question, but an innerworld is really just… Your way of visualizing your inner happenings and your way of organizing and compartmentalizing them. Some people (usually those who have had issues with Maladaptive Daydreaming) have extremely complex innerworlds where there’s constantly stuff going on and where their parts lead complex inner lives. Others, like me (though I have had intense issues with maladaptive daydreaming, I also have brain damage and much more difficulty visualizing nowadays) just have a place/map that they try to visualize that helps them organize and associate different parts with different visualizations to help with calling them forward.

For me and for many, innerworld visualization is just like imagining anything else, but the things that I imagine are there to help me organize my system and aid in recovery. Some things that are there do just “pop up”, and seem to come naturally. Kind of in a similar way to other communication from parts. It can be a little dreamy in that sense— in the sense that the things that are there are many times strange, subconsciously generated imagery/metaphor.

For others, it is an immersive experience like a dream— kind of like how it is to do the whole maladaptive daydreaming thing. I remember that I used to spend most of my time in my own little made up world, imagining scenarios and characters and stories. I imagine it’s a lot like that, though now that’s much harder for me to do.

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I recently fused with Jo who always was gifted with feeling comfortable in the body and it's so strange and just... so much lighter and easier being able to look in the mirror and not hate myself. I still don't have the confidence that she did, but at least I don't hate my body. I feel rather neutral now and okay. It also doesn't scare me when I see my reflection like it used to. -V

I also fused with Jo and fuck, it's made a world of difference for me too. I used to identify as a definite dude, but now I'm so much more fluid. And like... it's okay again to be in a feminine body. Like it doesn't hurt anymore. It doesn't feel wrong or uncomfortable it just feels normal and fine and like, I can still present feminine and use he/they pronouns and be valid. It's wicked. - andy

Can yall believe there are people out there who identify with their bodies? Like they look in a mirror and recognize their reflection and go "oh! Thats me!" Wild. Sounds fake.

[myminimes]

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when the host is feeling awful so another alter switches out but they feel awful too so you’re all just switching around trying to feel better and you’re just sitting there like

[myminimes]

Trauma that is uncommon is still trauma.

Trauma that is common is still trauma.

Trauma that you can't remember is still trauma.

Trauma that you CAN remember is still trauma.

Trauma that was physical is still trauma.

Trauma that was psychological is still trauma.

These events affected you negatively and noone can decide whether or not they were traumatizing except for you.